Plainly Ranting

2007-05-21T19:35:00.000-05:00

An Interview With Paris Hilton

In an effort to keep the material here on Plainly Ranting fresh and up to date with current events, I have managed to land an interview with America's favorite hotel heiress herself: Paris Hilton.

Alan Wortman: Good afternoon. I'm glad you could find the time to give this interview.

Paris Hilton: Yeah. My agent said this would be, like, good for publicity and stuff. I don't think I've ever given a website interview before, you know? If you're, like, nervous about being around me and stuff, I understand. It's normal, yo. I'm just so rich and hot . . .

Alan: Right.

Paris: . . . and sexy and better than you and . . .

Alan: Uh-huh . . .

Paris: . . . heir to multiple bajillions of dollars and powerful and . . .

Alan: Hey, here's an idea. Sit down and shut up. I don't have all day and you're pissing me off already.

Paris: . . .

Alan: All right. So you're ten minutes late, and I'm on a timetable. Let's get started.

Paris: That mean man in the black dress said the same thing.

Alan: Black dress? You mean Judge Sauer? The one who recently passed sentence on you?

Paris: Like, yeah! I honestly don't see what the problem is. I was like, what-EVER! Like, he couldn't even wait ten minutes and stuff! Unsophisticated clods just don't understand that being late is, like, fashionable, yo!

Alan: Wait a minute. You showed up ten minutes late for court and you expected the Judge to just be okay with this?

Paris: Well duh! I guess you didn't know that, like, the world revolves around me, or whatever. Like, we rich people are supposed to, like, have special rights and priviledges, yo.

Alan: *blink blink* . . . right. So, uh, okay, let's start this interview. What's it like knowing that the entire Western world hates your guts for being such a bitch?

Paris: It's not so bad. Little people just, like, confuse bitchiness for knowing that you're, like, ten times better than anyone you've ever met, you know?

Alan: Some people would say that's the definition of being a bitch.

Paris: Some people aren't as, like, rich and sophisticated as I am, yo.

Alan: Did I mention I really hate you?

Paris: (laughs) You're, like, really funny!

Alan: I'm serious. I hate you.

Paris: Oh.

Alan: I understand that you'll be going to jail for a while. Is that true?

Paris: I don't like to, like, you know, talk about it and stuff.

Alan: Has anyone ever told you that the word "like" isn't an adjective?

Paris: So, like, what's that supposed to mean?

Alan: That was my point in its entirety, actually.

Paris: I don't get it. You're, like, SO not funny.

Alan: There are people who would disagree with you on that one.

Paris: Like who?

Alan: Oh, everybody. But we're not talking about me, we're talking about why you're such a self-important fuck-up. You're going to be put away for 45 days, eh?

Paris: It's not fair! All I did was have, like, a DUI, a reckless driving charge, and uh . . . drove on a suspended license, and, like, didn't go to a driving workshop like the last judge dude ordered me to!

Alan: You're aware that anyone else would be sent up for at least three months for those charges, right?

Paris: You don't understand. I'm Paris Hilton! They can't treat me this way! My daddy owns, like, a big hotel chain!

Alan: Oh yes, they can. And they will. I suggest showing up on time for your jail sentence at the new greybar hotel. I hear it's really posh . . . you uppity cunt.

2007-03-21T05:53:00.000-05:00

The Convenience Of Truth

There's a crappy pseudo-scientific documentary about climate change floating around called "An Inconvenient Truth". Maybe you've seen it or at the very least you've heard about it. Former Vice President Al Gore spent a lot of time and money making this traveling slideshow (side show?), about the dangers of CO2 and it's effect upon the environment. It's even possible that he believes what he's saying, and that's rather frightening.

As I write this, I've just finished seeing this bell-rattling, chicken little-esque docu-drama and sob story, and I'm not impressed. And I'm unimpressed for several reasons.

First, Gore underestimates the intelligence of his audience and plays more on fear and emotion than common sense and reason. Nobody cares about how his son got hit by a car when he was a small tyke when the focus of the lecture was supposed to be on climate. Nobody cares about how his friend died of lung cancer because she smoked when we're supposed to be paying attention to the "science" he's supposedly presenting. Gore needs to at least stay on topic if he's not going to come up with good data. Pleas for sympathy and emotionalism aren't substitutes for logic and critical thinking. Just the opposite in fact. And let's not forget the three segments in which he whines like a little girl about not being elected president.

Now I'm not heartless. It's a crying shame that his boy was ran over by a car, and I wouldn't wish that on anybody. At least he survived and is healthy now. It's an even bigger shame that his friend died of lung cancer, and for what it's worth Plainly Ranting sends its sympathies. But that's not the fucking point! ...and I didn't vote for him.

Here's Gore's presentation in a nutshell:

CO2 is the greenhouse gas responsible for the increased temperatures in the lower atmosphere.

We are responsible for the CO2.

As CO2 levels rise, the temperatures will immediately follow and the icecaps will melt.

When the icecaps melt, the sea levels will rise by at least 20 feet.

When the sea levels rise, our coastline will flood and millions of people will be displaced.

And it's all your fault.

*sigh* Where to begin? How about we kick things off with the fact that CO2 is a trace atmospheric gas? Is that a good place to start? According to NASA, the Earth's atmosphere is made up of about 78% Nitrogen, around 21% Oxygen, 0.93% Argon, and finally in last place is CO2, carbon dioxide, at 0.04%. That's four one-hundredths of one percent. What's more, CO2 isn't a particularly good "greenhouse gas" in the first place.

Now on to the next item: Gore says we are responsible for the CO2 levels in the atmosphere. Is that true? Well, not exactly. We do contribute to the total carbon dioxide emissions released into the atmosphere, yes. But then again so does everything else on the entire planet. In fact, our contribution to atmospheric CO2 levels are in the single digit percentages when compared to volcanism, decomposing vegetation, and the granddaddy of them all, the oceans.

You may ask what is the major "greenhouse gas" if not CO2? Okay, you asked for it. I just hope you're sitting down.

It's water vapor.

That's right. Water vapor in the atmosphere is the major thing that traps heat from the sun, not CO2. Should we concentrate on banning water because it's an evil greenhouse gas? Damn the evil Dihydrogen Monoxide!

Okay, let's get serious. What percentage of the "greenhouse effect" is caused by humans? By the numbers, it's about 0.28% if water vapor is taken into account and about 5.53%, if it isn't. This is so crucial to the debate over global warming that it's inclusion or omission makes the difference between describing either a significant human contribution to the greenhouse effect, or a negligible one. Water vapor is responsible for about 95% of the "greenhouse effect, with CO2 owning up to just over 3.5%. Gore, naturally, decided to omit this little item. The U.S. Department of Energy actually conceded that it might be a "little misleading" to leave water vapor out of these calculations, but nonetheless defended the practice by stating that it is "customary" to do so.

In English, if you cherry pick the data, (as Gore and the D.O.E. are wont to do), humanity is killing itself and ruining the environment. If you include all the factors, (which the U.S. Department of Energy customarily didn't see fit to do), global warming due to greenhouse gas emissions is an embarrassingly gooey crock of fragrant bullshit. Gore's just there to stir it occasionally lest it form a crust and deprive us all of its delightful emanations.

So what about item 3 : "As CO2 levels rise, the temperatures will immediately follow and the icecaps will melt."?

Do we really need to do this one? Okay. For Science.

The above statement suggests that there is a direct link between CO2 and atmospheric temperatures. In fact, Gore says as much in his little crap-umentary. He also says that the link between them is "complicated". What he doesn't say is that the link is backwards. Atmospheric CO2 doesn't drive temperature, temperature drives atmospheric CO2 concentration!

What? How's that again? That's not what I was told!

That's because you've been listening to the media again. Shame on you.

The link that Gore alluded to, (and wisely didn't follow up on in an attempt to keep from shooting himself in the foot), is that there is an 800 year lag between the temperature going up or down and a corresponding rise or fall in CO2 concentration. But why?

Oceans again. Remember when I said that the oceans were the granddaddy of all carbon dioxide emitters? I was serious. The warmer the oceans, the more CO2 they surrender to the atmosphere. The colder the oceans, the more CO2 they sequester. The fact is that the oceans are huge. They're so huge in fact that it takes hundreds of years for them to cool off or warm up. Thus the enormous time lag.

So what about the icecaps? They're cyclic. They grow and contract every year. That's just the way it works. Permafrost melts, too. Want proof? There's green shit frozen inside it. Plants. Frozen. In the permafrost. There are nutrients in the soil for things to grow. Again, dead plants. It couldn't have been frozen since the beginning of time or the dead plants wouldn't be down there. And animals! Frozen steppe bison! Wooly mammoths! These things didn't live underground you know.

The icecaps are glaciers. They advance and retreat. Right now they're in a period of retreat and it's not the end of the world. They'll surge back.

As for the rise in ocean levels? Well, I guess a lot of people will have to move. Oh! That's right! I forgot... All this is based on anthropogenic (man-made) CO2 levels being responsible for the increase in global temperatures. It's not.

The other two points take care of themselves.

Gore says several times during "An Inconvenient Truth" that "This is a political issue..." when referring to one of the points he's pulled out of his ass. This is understandable. The man is a politician, and he's out politicking with this thing. I wouldn't be surprised to see him make another run on the White House in 2008. Those phrases alone are enough to make the whole enterprise suspect, but consider these others.

On Scientific Consensus:

"Isn't there a disagreement among scientists as to whether the problem [of global warming] is real or not? Actually, not really..."

Dear Mister Gore,
I'm a scientist and I'd just like to say fuck you. I vehemently disagree with you because you have cherry picked your data, and then proceeded to interpret it however the hell you want.

Have a nice day,
Alan

Lake Chad:

This lake is shown to dry up in time lapse photography over a course of three decades. But wait... didn't it start drying up in the 60's when we were being told that we were headed toward another ice age because global temperatures were falling?

Ice in General:

Gore claims to understand the physics of ice and glacial surges when no physicist claims to do so.

Theory vs. Fact:

Gore further claims that dissenting scientists, (read: the ones that don't agree with his evangelism), are using the word "theory" to mean "guess", and that there was some "internal memo" between them to rewrite global warming as a "...theory rather than fact".

Everybody Knows Doctors Prefer Marlboros:

Attempts to link global warming skeptics with 1950's Camel tobacco company ads promoting smoking as a perfectly safe and healthful activity. The Gore family grew and raised tobacco when former Vice President Gore was a little boy around this period. But he's learned his lesson now. Promise. My ass...

Our Reports Are Better Than Yours:

Gore cites 928 peer reviewed articles concerning climate change in the previous ten years, claims that a consensus was reached that humans were the cause of global warming. If you listen closely he says that they "took a big sample of ten percent" of these, and that out of that sample, none disagreed. That's 93 articles that said we were the cause. He wants you to believe that all 928 articles agreed with his cause. However, this is NOT what he says.

What's Good For The Goose...:

"It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends upon his not understanding it."

-- Upton Sinclair

Gore used this quote that could just as easily apply to him and his constituents. If man wasn't responsible for global warming, then people like him wouldn't have a job. So instead of listening to the conflicting data, it's easier to make alarmist claims.

Debate? Oh Hell No!

Since Al Gore was offered the opportunity (in person) by JunkScience writer Steven Milloy to set up a public debate on the underlying science of global climate change, 1 year, 2 months, 2 weeks, and 2 days have elapsed. He has yet to take the man up on his offer.

I think we're done here.

For further investigation:
Last week, the UK's Channel 4 premiered a 75 minute film entitled "The Great Global Warming Swindle" located below. Double click on the movie to play. (Runtime 01:15:58)

What do you want to bet that this asshole runs for office in 2008?

2007-01-08T00:51:00.000-06:00

The Asshole Of The World

You know something? Nothing of interest seems to be going on anymore. Not really, I mean. Wars in foreign lands where people are already killing each other anyway is about it, and I'm plain old fucking sick of it being on my T.V. Perhaps the media has left me jaded. Or perhaps the media is composed of a bunch of Politically Correct, shit-smearing fuckwads that can't think of anything else to sensationalize. I'm pulling for #2. Take that however you want to.

Just think about it. All you hear about in the media is Iraq and the crump of car-bombs in the sandy places where people should have good sense enough to move from. And if the truth be told, we shouldn't even be there reporting on it. Everyone in the Middle East can all go fuck a camel and blow themselves to holy hell for all I care. And if they do, I hope to God that nobody covers it.

You know what I think we should do? I think we should piss of the entire world and bring our troops home so they don't get shot at anymore. Right now. Totally unannounced. They don't need us there. They don't want us there because assistance from infidels is an affront to Islam. So I say let these Israeli motherfuckers, the Shiite motherfuckers, the Sunni motherfuckers and all the other motherfuckers as yet unnamed just murder each other in the name of God.

With nukes. I understand that he likes that kind of stuff. Hellfire and brimstone and all that, you know?

And concerning Iran, I have another great idea. Everybody's worried about the Middle East becoming volatile, (Becoming? What the fuck do they mean becoming?), and nuclear proliferation, but this is really a self-correcting problem. Let's leave Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and his bomb factory alone so they can make all the enriched uranium that they want and let's leave it completely unchecked. For fun. With any luck, the first place he'll wipe off the map will be Israel. Won't that be fun? Mass murder in the "Holy Land"!

Oh wait. I say that like it's a new thing.

Why am I so callous, even hostile, concerning Israel? Do I believe that they don't have a right to exist? Am I a Palestinian booster or something?

No. Nuke the god damned Palestinians too so we'll be sure we've got everybody that needs getting. I believe Israel had a right to exist, right up until they made a particular comment about the atrocities occuring in the former balkan nation of Czeckoslovakia:

"Sometimes ethnic cleansing is necessary."

Yep, there went your card assholes.

And let's get out of the UN too while we're at it. All they're good for is getting our soldiers killed for things we don't have any interest in. The United States is not the world's police force. Stop fucking up your country and then screaming for us to come bail you out so you can hate us for it later.

Oh! Oh! I know! I KNOW! Let's blow up the god damned moon too! I'm sick of the moon. All it does is make the werewolves antzy and fuck with tides. I spoke with a werewolf friend of mine just the other day and he told me that his clothing expenses were really busting his balls. And that's to say nothing of the whole "Wake up naked the next morning and not have any idea where you are" thing. Can you imagine just how embarrassing that is? You were out on a date, and the moon comes along and makes you wolf-out. Then you black out as you shred your best Aeropostale sweater and destroyed jeans, and kill your girlfriend in a fit of evil, lupine rage just as you were starting to make out with her. Then you tear across the countryside committing wanton acts of violence and mayhem: maiming some, killing others, and generally having a pleasant evening. But the next thing you know, you're waking up facedown in the middle of a public park in your birthday suit with squirrels flitting hither and yon while occasionally sniffing your privates and some hobo attempting to invade your middle east and teabag you.

In short, you have a great time, but you can't remember it in the morning. And you need a new girlfriend.

I like porkchops.

2006-12-31T06:36:00.000-06:00

Night Of The Living Thoughts!

I've noticed that most minorities are vocal. Why is that? Can't we have a vocal majority in this sick fucking country for once?

Sometimes you look around at the world and realize that you've just gotta beat up a total stranger with an axe, don't you?

I often find that swearing at things makes them work better. This is especially true of my employees.

During World War II, ficticious cultural icons such as Rosie the Riviter and Uncle Sam entered the public consciousness, and these epic figures still remain in our collective social memory to this day. However what is not so widely known is that there were other icons which were swept under the rug such as Harold the 4F Wife Fucker, and Trixie the VD Free Prostitute.

If you want to stay home from work, but you've used up all of your sick days, try calling in dead. It may not get you the day off, but hey, I bet it'll sure fuck with your boss.

Religion is the belief in holy shit!

We have three different octane grades of gasoline in this country and just one unlabeled grade of diesel fuel. Does anyone else think that's odd?

Know what'd be fun? Forming a U.S. Olympic Hide-And-Go-Seek team.

The RIAA is in a pissy fit over the downloading of music and burning of CD's. I can see the illegal downloading part, but the burning? That just doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. If I'm burning the CD, why would the RIAA care? I should think they'd mind me burning CD's before I bought them, but afterward? Hey, it's my property and I'll do with it what I choose. I can see them getting concerned about someone setting fire to the whole music store, but a CD you've already paid for? That's crazy. ...Unless burning CD's release evil greenhouse gasses and they don't want anyone to know. I knew this had something to do with global warming.

Any time science makes a bold stride forward, you can count on organized religion being there to try and knock it back two.

He who laughs last draws odd looks from everyone else who already got it.

Let's legalize the Constitution! Who knows? It might just work. It certainly hasn't been tried yet.

If there really is an afterlife, why do the majority of the world's religions condemn murder? Are they just not sure of themselves?

Can't we think of something evil to do to those special people who stuff your inbox with chain letters? Happy Bear! A Smile For You! The Littlest Angel! (Aww!!)

Jesus fucking Christ go drink some chemicals already and stay the hell out of my inbox.

Remember: When you tie up someone with Duct Tape and throw them off a bridge into a lake or river, always leave a hole for their nose and mouth so they can breathe. Safety first.

And by the way, it's breathe with an "e". Not "Breath". A runner may find himself out of breath after a long cross-country session, but not because he forgot to breathe while he was running. If this is too complicated for you, go shove a pogo stick up your ass and practice bouncing down the stairs for a few hours. Or just quit talking to people. That works too.

Definitions

Catholic Mass: (n) Kath·uh·lik Mas
A measure of fat in a parish.

Grilled Chicken: (n) Grild chik·in
a An automotive accident involving poultry. Common in rural areas.
bThe interrogation of a frightened individual.

Mass Suicide: (n) Mas Su·uh·sId
A religious tragedy involving Kool Aid. See also: Jones, Jim.

Mass Orgy: (n) Mas Or·gee
A Catholic Priest's wet dream.

A book never written: "Overpopulation in China by Wee Fukum Yung"

Suicide is interesting. It's the only act that I can think of which is a crime to attempt, yet not illegal to perform. Sort of like jaywalking, only not at all.

Fun in Court!

Just imaging going in front of the judge for bashing some asshole's teeth out with a pipe wrench for twenty minutes, and when he asks you why you did it...

"Why'd I do it? 'Cause fuck him. That's why, yer honor."

And make sure when you're asked how you plead to the charges to respond, "Not Interested". They'll actually have to break out the lawbooks to figure out what to do with you.

I'm wishing some day a team will change it's name to the Nads. That way all the fans on both sides will cheer for 'em. Think of it... tens of thousands of drunk, rabid fans chanting "Go Nads! Go Nads! Go Nads!"

2006-12-27T17:23:00.000-06:00

You Are An Insignificant Dust Speck

Let's get something absolutely straight before we go any farther: You matter less than a cockroach's fart in the grand scheme of the Universe. And the sooner you realize that, the sooner you can stop screaming at me about the way I should:

a) Live my life

b) Think

c) Feel

d) Give a flying fuck about your opinion

Failing that, I can always beat you into an unrecognizable red paste.

What's more, any and all attempts to get me to give a damn will fail, and cause my Delete key unnecessary wear and tear. Believe me when I tell you that you are not somebody. Just because you're unique and all that crap doesn't mean you're particularly important or of any special use. Most likely you've done little more to improve the human condition than metabolize oxygen, just like everybody else. Think about it this way: Consider the humble driveway gravel. Every single stone is unique and beautiful in it's own way and all that happy horse shit, but when taken as a mass, they're only good to park your fucking car on.

FACTOID: The Earth's population reached 6.5 Billion last Saturday.

Your house payment doesn't matter. Your car payment doesn't matter. Your ugly fucking kid's soccer game doesn't matter. So just send me all your money since it doesn't matter anyway. And be risky. Do it through the U.S. Postal Service.

2006-10-01T03:28:00.000-05:00

The Last Load
(Bonus Article)
This is not a humor piece, nor is it a rant. I just want to make that clear before we go any further. Also, there is no post image as I can't seem to locate any photos of the accident. I'll put one up as soon as I find one.

This was my first submission in my Honors English Composition class at Arkansas State University. I include it here as proof that I'm not just ignoring my readers, and that I haven't forgotten you guys. In addition to recieving an A+, this piece also recieved applause when I read it aloud in class. To my delight, my professor later asked permission to shop it around to a few people on campus for purposes of getting it published. I'll let you know how that turns out. I hope you enjoy it.

My baby had a candy black paint job, dual stacks, and a big engine that could pull hills without working hard, even when I was loaded down at seventy-nine five. I tell ya', she was one hell of a girl. Stretched out long, her all aluminum wheelbase was 214" from hub to hub, and her rubber was virgin. The Freightliner was my home, my office, and my playpen all rolled into one. And now here we were about to get the last load for the week, and the week had been hard. We'd pulled just shy of 2800 miles in the last five days, this truck and me, with five deliveries and five reloads. I wanted a rest, and the old girl wanted some new oil.

I reached out a hand to the chrome door handle and pulled. There was a sound of a latch falling open and a blast of cool air rolled out and over me. I grabbed the handrail and pulled myself into the cab, where my air-ride seat greeted me with a familiar squeak. Closing the door with a whump, I adjusted myself behind the wheel and took note of the air pressure gauge, 120 lbs. in both tanks. Okay. Good enough for me. I pushed off the yellow and red air brake buttons on the dashboard with a light thump and listened to the hiss of pressurized air flood through the brake lines.

Putting the truck in second gear, I eased out on the clutch until I felt the clutch plate grab and feathered the accelerator before letting off the left pedal completely.

I followed the directions to the loading area and began setting up my trailer for the lumber I was about to take on. Shortly, a black man resembling Issac Hayes in a pair of mouse colored coveralls, safety glasses and blue hard hat tears up to me on a well-abused kerosene powered forklift. And it stinks.

We don't like each other, this man and I. He takes my paperwork and loads my truck, but I know full well that he’ll try to get away with a doing a half-assed job just so he can go home an hour early if I don’t watch him. These yard guys knock off whenever they get done, not when the whistle blows.

He’s finally done fifteen minutes later, and he tries to rush me to get out of the way so he can load his last truck. I lash things down to my satisfaction before moving. This has the predicted effect of pissing off the forklift operator, but I don’t care. I already told you we didn’t like each other. The important thing was that we were finally going home, me and my girl. We were going home to mama’s house with a real bed, good food, showers you don’t have to pay for and, uh, *ahem* … certain activities. I eased forward and began my circuit around the big metal warehouse that would lead me back to the outbound scales.

The resulting dust cloud was an enormous, foglike thing that briefly obscured a good portion of the world. I took a few minutes to enjoy the air conditioning before I set about a job that I didn't want to do. The last hurdle always seems to be the highest.

About an hour later I'm covered in grime, sweat, and whatever profanities that stuck. But the load's on my trailer, and it looks good. Now all I had to do is just go home for the weekend, and everything would be all right. I climbed back into the driver's seat which squeaked at me again, and I looked at myself in the mirror. I was totally covered in grime, and I looked as though I'd been dragged behind a pickup truck on a farm through a watermelon patch. I washed my hands with Windex and a roll of paper towels that I carried with me, and I set out for home. Oppressive, the clouds were all of a cross between iron and old lead. I watched them chase the sun out of the sky as the miles fell away.

I don't know what time it was. It was just dark. The only illumination in my cab came from my instrument panel like electric corpselight. I'd been fighting switchback two lane for a couple of hours and now I was finally on the Big Road: I-55. The way home. I was all alone on the highway, feeling really good about myself and about the week I had just finished. It was that special kind of satisfaction that only comes after completing a tiring chore you've been dreading. All that was on my mind was collecting my check for the week and going home. The 425 Detroit under my hood was purring like a well-fed lion with its steady drone. Prrr … Prrr … Prrr... I barely noticed the light rain that had begun to fall, and my tires hissed *SSSthsss* as they threw up spray. Dimly I thought it would be a good idea to hit the wipers.

This part of Mississippi had been without appreciable rainfall for over six months, and the ground was hard and dry. It was so dry in fact that it no longer immediately soaked up water, but instead it pooled on top for a bit, while the earth below made up it's mind about what it had been missing. It was layered like an onion, with water on the very top, a thin layer of oversaturated mud just below that, and hard, stonelike earth underlying everything. My tires were *SSSthsss* through the water, my engine was *prrr*, and the wipers, *fwip-kwok ... fwip-kwok ... fwip-kwok ...*

The temperature had dropped a great deal since that afternoon, and I had slouched in my seat as I was wont to do. I was tired, sure, but I was far from needing to pull over just yet. Eventually though, the cold started to get to me. I had gone from being slightly uncomfortable to something on the high side of irritated, and I wanted heat. I reached for the climate controls, only half paying attention to what I was doing, and flipped the heat to full blast.

*fwip-kwok ...*

It was one of those decisions that you kick yourself for after you've already made it. I hadn’t noticed the blower was set to defrost. Instantly, the window in front of me went completely and totally white. I couldn’t see!

Time divorced itself from me as my heart thumped once and hung in my throat like a soggy sock. Here I was making 75 miles per hour and I couldn't see! Still slouched in my seat, I tried to reach the windshield.

I couldn't.

*fwip-kwok ...*

What to do? What to do, damn it! THINK!! I was too tired. Th-this wasn't happening. I … Why can't I think? Brakes? BRAKES!! I showered down on the brakes.

*fwip-kwok ...*

I felt my left steer tire go slimy on me through the wheel. What did it mean? It seemed like a rather important bit of information to have. Suddenly, I knew it meant that I'd crossed the highway, gone into the left hand lane and dropped off the shoulder onto the median, that’s what it meant. I locked my hands and arms into a deathgrip on that steering wheel that a gorilla in the fullness of fury couldn't break. Ride it out and ride it straight, that was the key. I just hoped to God there wasn't a bridge coming up.

*fwip-kwok ...*

I felt the trailer tires drop off into the snotty mud next, and then things got really bad. My caboose weighed far more than my cab, so it was the determining factor in the show. It had twice my mass and all of my inertia, meaning that it required twice the resistance that I did to slow down, much less stop. To put it another way, Newton was now in the driver’s seat, and I was just along for the ride. My trailer decided to pass me.

I attempted to turn into it, attempted to save things, which I naively still believed I could do. I gave up on the idea pretty quick. I was sideways in the highway at this point, so now I was crossing it again and heading for the dropoff on the other side of the road. I cut my wheels sharply to the left, and I felt the whole truck start to list and roll to starboard. I could see the ground coming up at me through my driver's side window. "Oh no! I've wrecked my truck," thought I. That's when I heard the damndest thing.

*fwip-kwok ...*

I turned loose of the wheel, which had become useless to me at that point, and I placed my hands on the roof above, determined to keep it from crushing me. It was a surreal thing, watching the accident from the inside like this. I saw the ground coming up at me, and I knew this was really going to hurt. The nature of my emotional state surprised me. I wasn't afraid for myself. There wasn't any panic. What was done was done. But I do remember having the most amazing thought.

"Joy isn't going to take this well,” and I was sad.

I was in the paradoxical state of being aware of everything and nothing all at the same time. I kept wondering what was going to be torn away from me or crushed first. Would it be my legs that would be severed by the dashboard as it met the floor? Or would my skull be crushed by the roof when my arms failed to hold up the weight of a 26,000 lb cab? Maybe I’d get lucky and my neck would just break before my melon popped. Or might an artery be severed by a jagged piece of something or other and bleed me out? What was it going to feel like, dying violently like this? Would it hurt long? I just didn't know.

Fast forward and too late. The world was back in high gear again.

Glorious noise, to confusion, to frenzy, to silence; all but the patter of rain. I wondered which way was up. Things had gotten a little muddled there, and I thought it a good idea to take stock of my appendages and favorite organs. Four limbs. Hey, that's a good sign. I flexed my toes and felt them respond inside my boots. Ditto the fingers. I closed one eye, switched to the other one. Both working. Okay, now how the hell do I get out of this tin can? The truck sure was funny-shaped, and everything had relocated itself considerably. The dashboard had fallen black as ink, taking the rest of the cab with it. I forced myself to a rational place and tried to locate gravity's familiar tug. I found it. It wasn’t coming from its customary direction, but that was something anyway.

*fwip ... skwerrrrnk*

I laughed then, right about the time that a head stuck itself inside my window alongside a miniature electric sun. It was a man, and he appeared concerned.

The pane of glass on that side had shattered on impact, (I forget which one), so he took off his coat and draped it over the jagged pieces as the rain fell. I heard sirens and saw flashing lights as I was climbing out of the window into the damp, breezy blackness, and I smelled earth. I was led to a car by a nameless individual where an attractive young woman in plain clothes checked my vitals and asked me the standard battery of questions.

There was something I had to do. I excused myself and walked back through what had become a downpour to all that was left of my beautiful, black Freightliner. She was a twisted hulk of fiberglass, steel and plastic, and seeing her this way stirred up something inside me that I didn’t like. She lay there on her side in the middle of the interstate we’d traveled together for so long, bleeding oil. Her stacks were broken, and her mighty engine had fallen silent. The only sign of life was a single windshield wiper that still flapped pathetically. She’d died saving me.

I rested a hand on the shattered and torn fender like a mourner at a casket, feeling the smooth rain-slicked paint. I couldn’t say anything for a while.

“I’m … I’m sorry, girl”, I finally managed. “Thank you.”

*fwip ... skwerrrrnk*

Then I turned and walked toward the people and the flashing lights. I was glad it was raining.

The Author would like to assure the reader that all the events in this tale happened in the manner and order specified. While the Mississippi State Trooper who responded to the accident didn’t see fit to write a ticket and judged the accident to be due to the weather, the Author’s boss at the time saw fit to fire him. Apparently the only explanation he was taking was that the Author had fallen asleep at the wheel, which did not occur.

Presently Mr. Wortman lives in Paragould, Arkansas with his wife Joy and their four dogs. He is currently pursuing a degree in Physics. Where it’s safe.

2006-10-01T02:33:00.000-05:00

Good Ol' Wal-Mart

Gatorade, Suzy-Q's, Vaccum cleaners, Rubber shoes,
Pez dispensers, Floss for dentures, Books of Kids Next Door Adventures,
Everything you need right here at Wal-Mart.

Computer games, Pretty rocks, Bouncing balls and Argyle socks,
Ugly faces, Kids with braces, Tennis shoes with Neon Laces,
Things to make your life complete at Wal-Mart.

Makeup Kits and T.V. Shows, Oven mits and Panty Hose,
Table saws and C cup bras to minimize your Body's Flaws,
We promise not to snicker here at Wal-Mart.

Pots and pans for kitchen toil, Windshield wipers, Motor oil,
All-day roasters, Silly posters, Fourteen slice Electric Toasters,
You know you couldn't live without a Wal-Mart.

Spark Plugs, Tires, Axle Grease, Stereos and Anti-freeze,
Crafts and hobbies, Doggie toys, Novelties for Making Noise,
What more could you ever ask from Wal-Mart?

Get-Well cards with angels kissing, Fading trends that you've been missing,
Safety rails and Clearance sales and Layaway and Garbage Pails,
Falling prices everywhere at Wal-Mart.

Candy bars and Tabloid Papers glorifying Baby rapers,
Soap and Rope and Orange Scope, A Punching Puppet of the Pope,
We're always proud to sell those here at Wal-Mart.

Brushes, Combs, and Fruit Shampoo, Talcum powder, Diapers too,
Neon Lights and Rainbow Brites and Medicine for Pit-Bull bites,
Don't you know we love you here at Wal-Mart?

A Grocery Store, A Garden Center, Walk-in Bank and Rug Doc Renter,
Robot Mics and Ten-speed bikes and Crappy rides for little tykes,
We treat you just like family at Wal-Mart.

Third world imports, Second-runs, Toy first aid kits, Real life guns,
Skilled employees, Friendly staff, Oh come on man don't make me laugh!
Don't mistake this for a classy joint, it's Wal-Mart.

2006-09-18T02:26:00.000-05:00

All I Ever Needed To Know I Learned In College

As some of you may know, I've finally gotten off my dead ass and went back to school. And already, I've found people who need to be slapped through a few walls. You know the kind. The type of person that makes you sad that the Ebola virus is under control. The kind of human being that allows you to understand the value of Eugenics. The sort of mouth-breathing 98.6° space heater that doesn't have anything better to do that metabolize your oxygen supply. The type of asshole that makes you long for the good old days when the UNAbomber might come along and save the day.

So without further ado, here's a short list of people that just need to be killed.

The Hot Shit One Trick Pony

A brace-faced schmuck with just the tips of his brown hair bleached blonde who think's he's in grade 13, this guy was a whiz in High School chemistry, so now he thinks he's ready for the big time. He spends all his parent's money and creative energies openly mocking the professor's mannerisms and getting girls to laugh at his stupidity under the mistaken premise that they actually like him. Unfortunately, the HSOTP doesn't quite understand that this isn't High School, and there are no laws that protect his GPA. Nor does he grasp the fact that his grade has little to do with his skill in the subject matter of the course, and everything to do with the whim of the PhD teaching it. The HSOTP usually winds up getting a D in the class purely because he's a dick, and loses his scholarship before dropping out.

The Highly Fuckable Airhead

Usually a redhead who likes to hit on the professor, wear clothing designed to make her tits pop out into the sunshine for everyone to admire, and doesn't understand that the whole 'valley girl' thing has been over for more than a decade, this girl is related to the HSOTP above. She's not quite sure how she got into college, but now that she's there, well gee... there sure are a lot of boys around. With $10,000 worth of orthadontia in her head, and almost as much in her fake boobs, the HFA loans out her cunt to almost anyone with a cock and notes she can copy. Typically plans to finish a 4 year degree in 6 years, but then gets pregnant before transferring to a Junior College and dropping out.

Mister Four Eyed Pimple Blimp

The morbidly obese bastard in High School that was friends with all the girls, but never got laid because his crotch-fat absorbed his penis and now he pisses out of a vagina-like hole. Usually a math major, MFEPB makes jokes that only he can understand about Calculus, Wave Functions, and Statistics. Even the HFA can't bring herself to have sex with this guy.

Frat Van Winkle

This specimen subsists on a diet of Pabst Blue Ribbon, Pepperoni Pizza and Ramen Noodles, and tends to stay up late trying to get into the pants of the HFA. However, FVW spends so much time trying to get laid that most of his class time is utilized catching up on sleep, and misses the vast majority of the lecture. Thus, FVW's notes are sketchy at best, and the slam-dunk HFA remains forever out of his reach. Goes into Academic Probation in his second semester and takes a job as a stockboy at Wal-Mart before dropping out.

The Overly Enthusiastic Professor

Occasionally the HFA undergoes a metamorphosis to become the Overly Enthusiastic Professor. Full of energy, never at rest, the Overly Enthusiastic Professor was a cheerleader in High School and never learned to accept that there are things that nobody but her cares about. TOEP will lecture, bouncing off the walls, for hours on end about mathematics. Has an unhealthy interest in Football and Mister Four Eyed Pimple Blimp, who is her favorite student. ...other than the three Muscle Jocks in her class that she's fucking.

Zombie Grad Student

Rarely seen in the working world due to a lack of ability to compete, the Zombie Grad Student was actually smarter before he started college than he is now. Capable of explaining Tensor Calculus and Continuum Mechanics to people who already know it, the ZGS can't remember how to divide. Specimens of ZGS can often be found teaching intro-level courses at the college they attend for the same reason that American farmers hire Mexicans to pick their fruit: Cheap Labor.

Muscle Jock

With an artificially inflated GPA, and Anabolic Steroid inflated muscles, the Muscle Jock is in college for one reason: To play "Fooball". With no career options and no chance of staying off Academic Probation on his own, the Muscle Jock's coach pulls strings with various professors to keep him on the team. Winds up graduating with a BS in fitness that nobody cares about and bagging groceries before going on to teach P.E., Social Studies and Pre-Algebraic Math at a local High School.

The Test Stresser

The only member of the animal kingdom who both sweats audibly and is completely lacking in a spine, the Test Stresser is forever in a state of high tension. With blood pressure perpetually at stroke levels, the Test Stresser is most often a Biology Major who panics about the test they just took, the notes that they are taking, the test that they'll take nextweek, and the state of their current health. Typically dies of a stroke by the age of 35.

The Technobrat

This creature is common on most college campuses, and can easily be identified by it's designer label plumage. Wired for sound, the Technobrat is incapable of being alone with his own thoughts for more than ten seconds, and instantly connects to the Technobrat Collective via his cell phone or MySpace page when feeling lost and insecure, (i.e. the second class is over).

2006-09-04T04:55:00.000-05:00

Steve Irwin, 1962 - 2006

The Crocodile Hunter is dead. Long live the Crocodile Hunter. To be perfectly honest, I'm surprised that Steve lived as long as he did.

On Monday, September 4th, 2006, Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin was pronounced dead after suffering an attack by a Stingray that he was most likely asking for by fucking with. It was described as a 'freak accident' by his camera crew. He was 44 years old.

I'd like to tell you now that while this was definately a tragic loss for Steve's family, this was not an accident. The stingray skewered Steve on purpose, (because he was fucking with it), and as far as it being a freak occurance, that's bullshit too. This was simply the law of averages getting tired of being screwed out of a win. Normally a stingray barb won't kill you unless two things happen. First, the sting would have to be very close to the heart, (as it was), and secondly, there would have to be some kind of allergic reaction to the venom, (and there was). Pretty much you'd have to have built up one tremendous luck deficit to die from this kind of wound. And Steve Irwin is dead. I say this because I know how luck works, and it's not always on your side. That's why they call it luck.

I've maintained for years that Steve was going to die horribly one day, and sure enough I was all too right. Steve made the mistake of believing that his education in the field of zoology kept him safe from these large, predatory animals he was constantly harrassing. Steve was wrong. And what did he die for?

Television.

That's right folks. He died risking his life to make a stupid fucking television show. Guess what the title of the show was?

It was a documentary for Animal Planet called Ocean's Deadliest. Yeah. You read that right. Ocean's Deadliest, and it was, ("no shit" moment here), about things that can kill you in the sea. Ain't that a bitch?

The real tragedy here is that Steve Irwin was smart once. He went to college and became a Zoologist. He was taught to understand and respect nature. He busted his ass learning the ups and downs of how wallabies fuck.

Then he started slapping his ass at kimodo dragons and doing everything but poking a bear in the face with a short stick.

Believe me when I tell you that it's one thing to learn about nature. It's quite another to thumb your nose at it; an offense that Steve was guilty of at least three times every show. And he did it all because the fame and the job became more important to him than his drive for self-preservation.

That's mentally ill.

I personally know a great deal about rattlesnakes, cottonmouths, snapping turtles, bears, coyotes and wolves, but you won't see me doing more than finding ways to leave them the fuck alone when I run across them. They want me to leave them alone, and more importantly, I want them to leave me alone. Even less likely is it that I will go out looking for the damned things. Besides, saying that you have concern and respect for wildlife while going around wrestling crocodiles into your johnboat for the cameras and playing with things nature designed to run on people as an optional fuel source is like saying that you're a practicing Catholic and pissing in the holy water. Steve forgot what respect for wildlife was about; he allowed stardom to get in the way of science, self-preservation, and good sense. Now there's a widow and two children without a dad.

Plainly Ranting sends it's condolences to the Irwin family.

Steve Irwin - Zoologist, Environmentalist, Husband, Father
1962 - 2006

2006-08-28T01:34:00.000-05:00

The Incredible Shrinking Thoughts!

It strikes me that people tend to get bad advice from role models who should know better.

What the fuck is an herbal 'essence'? Absolutely nothing. It's bullshit.

We have a 'Natural' psychosis in this country. Everybody is all uppity about natural medicines, natural fibers, and natural remedies for diseases. We have natural disasters, natural history, natural resources, and natural selection. And then there's the study of natural sciences, which is all the rage at hippie schools across the country. But let me tell you something. Just because something is from nature doesn't mean it's good for you. Arsenic, strychnine, lead and mercury are good examples of this.

Naturally.

I saw a headline that said violence in the middle east was escalating. Oh really? They're already bombing each other and conducting missile strikes on civilian targets. How do you escalate that?

What manner of creature is a Sham? And why do we put it's poo in our hair?

Definitions

Ball joint: (n) bawl·joint
a. Testicular connective tissue.
b. A marijuana cigarette smoked exclusively at parties thrown by members of high society.

Salad: (n) sa·led
The stuff that food eats

Marriage: (n) ma·rij
a. A pre-mortem funeral service
b. A ceremony celebrating the end of a couple's sexual activity.

Old Spice: (n) ohld·spIs
The elderly lady from the now defunct British pop group that nobody talks about.

Am I the only one who thinks it's odd that the telephone company charges you extra money not to publish your name and telephone number? It seems to me that it should be the other way around. I figure that they ought to charge you a fee to publish your telephone number. But if that was the case, I bet they'd print a mighty damned thin phone book.

If you find yourself having a really bad day, this will help you laugh. All you have to do is realize that right now, even as we speak, in this country, somebody, somewhere is getting fucked up the ass.

And now you're picturing it and trying really hard not to.

I heard an old guy mention that he used to sew his wild oats, and I thought, "That's impossible. You sew cloth and leather. Oats are a grain. What the hell would you sew them to anyway? And how? More importantly, why?" I think he was senile. Then somebody explained it to me and it made a little more sense. But even still, I don't understand why people can't call dating what it really is; fucking every slut you can throw your dick at. Old people sure are stupid.

I read that the State Employment Security Division was laying off a bunch of people.

It's been my experience that the simple things in life usually aren't.

The news story said the coroner performed a post-mortem autopsy. God damn I sure hope so. Otherwise I'll bet the noise would've been really distracting.
Why are blackboards green?

How come they don't have a button on your keyboard that you can press whenever you get spam e-mail to make the sender's PC explode into a conflagration of fire and brimstone and ash with a mushroom cloud that can be seen for twenty miles and makes the sender sterile by irradiating his crotch with high-energy gamma particles that cause six different kinds of cancer and gives him constipation while turning his skin irreversibly blue? I'd sure like to have a button like that.

The other day I saw a carton that read: Made with at least 100% recycled materials". I started laughing and couldn't stop.

I don't want to work anywhere that a smile is considered to be part of my uniform. In fact, I'm not so hot on the idea of working in a place that requires a uniform in the first place. Now that I think about it, I guess I really don't want to work anywhere at all. I love getting paychecks though. I need a job like that.

I keep hearing about all kinds of things "coming out of the woodwork". They're usually bad things, too. You know what I think? I think we should burn the fucking woodwork.

2006-08-20T20:33:00.000-05:00

Computerz R 4 Samrt Ppl!!!!1

Let's talk about PC's. Personal computers. IBM compatible crap.

I think we ought to have a mandatory I.Q. test before you're allowed to own a computer. You should also have to demonstrate a basic, working knowledge of English grammar, punctuation, and spelling before you're allowed to purchase one. If you are caught picking your nose and eating it, drooling, or shitting your pants while taking the test, you fail. Also, trying to copy the answer for your name from a neighbor automatically kicks you out of the running. Let's face facts; not everyone is bright enough to have a PC.

I know this because every single day, and I mean EVERY single day, I have some well-meaning, yet hopelessly deficient schmuck ask me something so basic, so intrinsic to the minimal functionality of a PC that I have to wonder if there's something in the water. Now when I say these questions are basic, I don't mean some longheaded bullshit about the best way to set up a ten disk SATA RAID system capable of multibooting four seperate operating systems. Nor am I talking about flashing your BIOS to the most recent optimized settings from your motherboard manufacturer, oh no. I'm not even talking about setting up a tri-monitor display, a liquid cooling apparatus, or a Beowulf Cluster.

I mean I have to deal with people who have difficulty with concepts such as "left click", "right click", and "double-click". I have to deal with people who tell me that they only allow 20 GB of a 60 GB hard drive to be used because they want to be "safe". And I've fielded questions, so help me God, regarding why a CD ROM drive wouldn't burn CD's.

The following are a few examples of the fun and adventure I've had when trying to help people. I don't get paid for this, and if I did, it wouldn't be enough. It's a wonder I've not committed manslaughter.

The Atrocities
"I downloaded some stuff offline".
Oh really? Holy shit! You mean you downloaded something while not being connected to any other computers? Wow. Kill yourself, would you?

"This computer doesn't have enough gigabytes. It needs more gigabytes."
Did your parents have any children that weren't stillborn? You almost could've kept yourself from sounding like a proffessional wrestling fan by adding the words "Of RAM" to the ends of both those sentences. As it stands, that is the most stupid thing I've ever heard, and I've had to watch the Teletubbies because it was the only thing that would keep my friend's kids quiet. Either that or beating them until they lapsed into a coma.

"It says 'Press Any Key', but I can't find it."
Oh dear God.... Don't breed. Just don't.

"Do you think I should buy a couple of more sticks of ROM?"
Rom. Doesn't. Come. In. Sticks. You want RAM, but you don't deserve it. You might try to put it in your CD RAM drive. Fucktard.

"I think I need to get me some more of them computer deals to put in."
Memorize this sentance, "Would you like fries with that?"

"I got to lookin' on my computer and I found a bunch of funny files that I didn't think should be there, so I deleted them. Now my computer won't work."
A wise decision, sir. They were probably .dll files in your Windows directory. Viruses, they. Thanks for saving me all that time and trouble. Have a nice day.

"I need to buy me a new computer. This one's getting slow."
No, it's just as fast as it ever was. Because you have a habit of installing shit from everywhere on the net from places that you shouldn't trust, and because you have an even worse habit of not reading anything before you install a program, your computer has become choked down with redundant, buggy, and totally useless bullshit. For $50 and twenty minutes of my time, I can have you back up and running like new once more. See you again in six months when you've got it refilled with digital trash.

"How come you never did teach me how to hack?"
Because I don't know how and neither do you. You're annoying, you're full of shit, and you're a complete and total fake. Hacking requires modifying machine code, fucking around with stack dumps, and breaking several laws. You're not a hacker, you're a pathetic dipshit with delusions of adequacy. Burn your computer and do the world a favor.

Who the fuck in the year 2006 doesn't know how to operate a computer? Holy jumping Jesus Christ on a pogo stick! We let these people drive cars!

I'm going to go eat an entire bottle of Excedrin Migraine and lie down for a while. You people are killing me.

2006-08-14T02:02:00.000-05:00

Our Scams Have Detected SPYWARE On YOUR COMPUTER!

Well no fucking shit! Of course you "detected" spyware on my computer. You're the sorry sons-of-bitches that put it on my hard drive in the first place. Your ass-wholesomeness truly knows no bounds, because now you want me to pay you money so you can sell me a product to take it off when it shouldn't have been there to begin with? Why on God's Earth would I be so stupid as to trust you people to keep my computer safe when you're the ones who hijacked my browser and installed three trojan downloaders when I clicked a random link? This is beyond having balls.

I know that there's some asshole out there with a room-temperature I.Q. that's going to suggest changing your browser to Opera or buying a Mac and running Safari because it's more "secure". Now before that happens, I think you special people should know that folks shouldn't have to fuck around with weird browsers or buy computers that are practically unsupported by third party developers. Further, this isn't incentive to move to new software, it's incentive to shore up what you already have because you're familiar with it already. If it wasn't for asshats like you who live for coding abusive and intrusive software, these 'security holes' you claim to be pointing out wouldn't matter, would they?

And here's another thing... there's no such thing as an incorruptible machine. If it crunches numbers and surfs the Internet, it's prone to virii and spyware. Period. End of Line. Fuck you.

Fucked up your pimple-faced plan again, didn't I?

So here's what to do if, and preferably before, you ever get digitally molested while minding your own fucking business online:

1) Get AdAware from Lavasoft. This wonderful piece of software has kept my computer safe from almost all annoyance for a long, long time. It's free to download and the updates don't cost anything either. It'll find what's giving your PC hell and automatically remove it. I promise there's some spyware on there. These guys kick ass.

2) Then download Spybot - Search & Destroy. This is another free program with free updates. Run it after you run an AdAware scan. This is a good complimentary program to AdAware. Sometimes it finds what AdAware doesn't. Neither program is shitty, it's just that two different teams work on this kind of thing, and often one will have a definition that the other doesn't.

3) Next, download and install Spyware Blaster from the good guys over at Javacool Software. This program rocks cocks, as it keeps known spyware from being installed on your PC in the first place, as well as giving you a whole shitpot full of ActiveX controls to play with, should you care.

4) And another thing, quit paying Norton and McAfee a dump truck full of money. It's completely unnecessary. If you want virus protection, download AVG Antivirus from Grisoft. It does the same job for free, and there's no subscription to run out on you and leave you completely fucked when the next supervirus comes along and turns your hard drive into digital shit.

5) Finally, quit with these god damned "browser helpers" and "pop-up blockers" that bog down your PC already. You don't need them, or the "help" they offer. Trust me. They're almost all defined as spyware, and the above programs will detect and treat, (read: delete), them. Try updating your HOSTS file instead. After you download this, install it according to the following directions.

Windows XP = C:\WINDOWS\SYSTEM32\DRIVERS\ETC
Windows 2K = C:\WINNT\SYSTEM32\DRIVERS\ETC
Win 98/ME = C:\WINDOWS

Find your installation above, navigate to the location specified, and drop the new HOSTS file in the folder. (For example, Windows 98/ME users will install to C:\WINDOWS)

Remember, the HOSTS file has no extension, (.exe .txt .dll, etc...), so don't go adding one and then e-mail me bitching that it's not working for you. My Delete key doesn't need a workout.

Drop the new HOSTS file in with the old one. You will be asked to overwrite your old HOSTS file, which should be 1K in size. Do so. No more pop-ups or banner ads. They simply won't work, and you simply won't see them.

Before I leave you this week, I'd just like to leave you with some words of wisdom straight from the bottom of my heart:

"If you can't figure all this out, you're too stupid to operate a computer."

2006-07-31T09:20:00.000-05:00

You're Not African-American Already!

Racism: (n) rA·sĭz·um

a. The belief that race accounts for differences in human character or ability and that a particular race is superior to others.

b. Discrimination or prejudice based on race.

Prejudice: (n) prĕj·U·dĭs

a. An adverse judgment or opinion formed beforehand or without knowledge or examination of the facts.

b. A preconceived preference or idea.

Greetings,

Dear reader, answer me this one question, if you would: What nationality do you consider yourself to be? Chances are that if you're reading this, you were born within the borders of the United States. If you are from one of the other 192 sovereign nations however, then what I say here won't make a whole lot of sense. Although it will at least serve the purpose of shining the pure and blinding light of reason upon the fragile, crumbling edifice that racist, politically correct ass-goblins in this country so laughably call a "point". According to my sources, if the doctor yanked you out of somebody's crotch here within the confines of the United States, or one of it's territories abroad such as a military base or an Embassy, this makes you an American, not an African-American.

I am sad to report that the melting pot is no more in this once great, fading republic. The order of the day is no longer asking what you can do for your country, but rather how your country can compensate you because of something that happened to your great-great grandparents before you were even thought of. Never mind that you've not been personally inconvenienced in any way, and that any of these wrongs you cite weren't done to you. Divide and conquer; that's the new America; made of bottled water, cellular telephones, and sneakers with lights in them.

I have absolutely had it with this "African-American" feces slathered all over everything you read these days when talking about black people. It's mind numbing. This country is already swamped with room-temperature IQ's, and this politically correct bullshit has absolutely got to go before it manages to do any further damage. It's a crying shame that phrases can't be placed in front of a firing squad.

Now that I think of it, it's a crying shame that people who use some of these phrases can't be placed in front of a firing squad.

I'm picking on the term "African-American" because it's completely nonsensical tokenism. Think about it, we only apply this terminology to those we consider to be of African descent; we never give this hyphenated citizenship to people from any other continent. We don't have Asian-Americans, European-Americans, or Antarctican-Americans running around loose, do we? No. Do you know why? Because these useless labels, all of them, sound abso-fucking-lutely stupid.

This is because Africa is not a country in the first place, it's a continent that is in turn filled with countries. Get that through your misshapen little head, would you? Japanese-American I can understand. Those people who claim this kind of dual-citizenship actually head back to the land of the rising sun every once in a while to visit family. Those politically inept ghetto rats who might call themselves African-American have never been to a single country on that particular continent, and if they went, I'd wager that most of them would be dead in about half a day. It's a useless label designed to spread dissent by manufacturing barriers between people who ought to be getting along as countrymen. Other nations don't have this horseshit because their citizens won't tolerate it. If you were to refer to a person from Norway as a "European", he'd probably let you get away with it about once. Then he'd begin politely reminding you that he was, in fact, Norwegian. If you persisted, he'd likely drop all pretense of actually liking you and call you a 'Rjeindeer Fjucking Rjedneck".

But here's the really funny thing. Black people aren't the ones calling themselves "African-Americans" to begin with. Did you know that? They just don't, and that's anywhere in the world. Only hypersensitive Caucasian Americans use this mindless PC phrase; never black folks. Not even the U.S. Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice, and she's as political, and as black, as you're ever going to get. Black people in the United States simply call themselves black, and they understand that they are Americans first and foremost, with a magnificent winter tan.

I'd like somebody to tell me what's so wrong with the word "Black" in the first god damned place. Is it offensive? To whom? I've never met anyone that it personally bothered, and as far as I know, Crayola still includes a black crayon in every single box, suitable for ages three and up. According to the guilty white liberals, the apparent upper limit for this suitability is age six.

As of this writing, Crayola had no plans to phase out the politically incorrect "black" crayon and replace it with "African-American" hue. (I called their public relations lady, Stacy Gabriel, to check. Swear to God.) Also, the four major commercial printer manufacturers Hewlett-Packard, Lexmark, Canon, and Epson did not indicate that they were moving to "African-American" ink cartridges on their websites, either. In fact, everything I've researched indicates that there is no shame connected to the word "black" whatsoever.

However the term African-American offends me greatly. If you're African-American, then why don't you go live there in that *ahem* other country, Africa, for a while? You know, to visit relatives and friends and stuff. What's that? You don't have any friends or relatives in Africa? Are you sure?

Believe me when I tell you that your phenotype doesn't matter. You liberal assholes say that these economically and socially disadvantaged "African-Americans" require special programs to ensure equality. That's fine I guess, but don't tell me that you actually believe this bullshit, do you? If what you're telling me is right, if these people had equality, we wouldn't need these balancing programs anymore? Is that right? Okay. Boom. They're equal. It happened with the end of segregation with the Voting Rights Act of 1965, signed into law on August 6th, by President Lyndon B. Johnson. It's last amendment was adopted in 1982, which went into effect in 1985. They have the same right to vote, the same right to free speech, the same constitutional protections as every other human being in the United States, and have for the last twenty years... Why do you need the programs?

I'll fucking jolly well tell you why they need the programs. Because there's money to be made in prolonging this 'problem'. As long as black people as a whole can be convinced that they need special help to get anywhere in life by organizations such as the NAACP, the UNCF, and other conglomerations of ten-digit bank accounts and single-digit I.Q.'s, there's a reason for funding. If the problems were to go away, there wouldn't be any more money for the upper crust to live lavishly on while they played Mother Theresa in a three piece silk suit on Capitol Hill, and they'd have to make a new institution of discontent from scratch. That's too much like work, so they don't do it.

Here's a fun thought: What if I decided to become a citizen of Egypt, eh? That would make me an African-American, wouldn't it? I think it'd be great, because then I could make all you bleeding heart, guilt ridden, PC assholes take a shit in your hat.

Oh! Didja' see that! There goes your logic running off and looking for a place to fucking hide, doesn't it? Gee, it's so small and malnourished... I can't be African-American because I'm not black, you say? "HEY ALAN, ONLY BLACK PPL CNA B AFRICAN-AMERICIN! LOL!!!1Z", you prattle. Well what about my friend Selena from South Africa? She's clearly Caucasian, (and whiter than I am), but she's technically African-American because she immigrated to this country a few years ago and became a naturalized citizen, holds dual-citizenship, and runs a rather successful business. And then there's my buddy Abu who's here from Côte D'Ivoire in West Africa. He's six-foot-twelve, almost as dark as a tire, and his native language, Xhosa, has clicks in it. And believe me, if you call him an African-American, he'll be quick to point out that he's from Côte D'Ivoire, and is just here to study. He doesn't consider himself an African of any stripe any more than you racist, prejudiced pieces of shit refer to yourselves as European.

Oh my god, did I call you racist? You're fuckin'-A right I did. And don't forget the prejudiced part either you pointy-headed bastards. Any time you professional apologists see a black person, you automatically label them "African-American". And as you see from the opening definition of prejudice and racism, you're not only wrong, but you're bone-stupid, too.

But enough rambling about the problem, (i.e. YOU). Let's get to the solution! There are just two things you precious people need to do to make all this start resembling rational thought:

1: Shut the fuck up

That's the hard part. Just keep your teeth together for a while. Have you shut the fuck up yet? I know it's hard, but we'll work with you. New things are always difficult.

Are you quiet yet? Has your head stopped making noise? It has? Good for you! You get a gold star!

(Now people can finally get a god damned word in edgeways, you selfish prick.)

2: Wait

Now that you've shut the fuck up, you'll notice that your head is starting to fill with ideas. It's kinda scary isn't it? Don't worry. This is normal. It's called "thinking". You'll realize that all this stuff is getting us nowhere fast, and that if the current 'solutions' to these artificial problems really worked, they'd have done so thirty years ago. There is no problem. There is only the manufacturing of legions of malcontents by governmental and social institutions, under the guise of assistance, with a problem that wouldn't exist without the meddling of said institutions in the first fucking place.

I'd like to leave you with a couple of thoughts. I don't have to exaggerate to tell you that the phrase "African-American" is offensive to me because it is an insulting, exclusionary term. It separates black people from the rest of the country and it marks them linguistically and subconsciously as something different. Something foreign. Something alien.

All in all a thing that is not "us".

The other thing I wanted to mention was that, apparently, I am not allowed to take offense to this delineating label. I was recently told, flatly and bluntly by a white woman, that since I was white and that I was the only one who took offense to this term, obviously I was the one who had the problem. So in other words, things that offend me are of no consequence. Because I'm white. I'm not allowed to be offended you see; I'm the one who's supposed to feel guilty about giving offense to others.

Sorry Ethel. I'm not buying that bullshit, even if it is on sale. I think the ghosts of Rosa Parks and Charles Darwin will back me up on this: 295 million people really can be wrong.

You mark my words: in about twenty years, black people are going to be as bent out of shape about being called "African American" as they are over any other racial slur. You fucking watch. It's sad and it's true; the term "African American" is nothing more than the latest PC liberal way to say "nigger". We're all Americans god damn it.

About the test you took...

How many did you get right? Did you guess that all five were African-American? WRONG!
Did you think you were clever and notice that #3 had two people in it, so you guessed six? Well you're WRONG AGAIN!

As you can see, none of these people are American, much less from Africa. Wow. I don't think your little mind is ever going to recover.

2006-07-27T02:37:00.000-05:00

A shallow, mindless schmuck who sits at a computer all day instead of going out and having real social interaction, the Dumbass needs the disinterested, artificially bubbly, completely unprofessional opinions of a third-grade dropout to get through their day. The Dumbass thrives upon the feeling of inferiority that arises from admitting their personality is so non-existant as to be pinned down completely with just ten multiple choice questions written by someone who they have never met a day in their life. Dumbasses are known to paste the new-agey mystical bullshit results on their "blog" so other losers like you can see them, and tend to take several of these worthless quizzes in one day. But that doesn't mean you can't be a good consumer or McDonald's cashier. Remember, You're a Dumbass!

HTML CODE - Copy and paste these results into your blog so everyone who doesn't already know that you're a certified fucktard can learn the truth!

Let's start killing these people, shall we? They've simply got to go, if only for the sake of my own sanity. These are the same folks that check their horoscopes every day and really believe them. They're also the ones who have those cheap-ass "dreamcatchers" all over their fucking house, and keep a large chunk of volcanic glass in their living rooms so they can tap into it's "Crystal Energy".

To be honest, these hopeless assholes really just need to be banned from using computers altogether, because their only real use to society is as a 98.6° space heater. If it only makes sense to you that a person you don't know and will never meet can accurately psychoanalyse you, technological advances beyond the Paleolithic will only serve to trip you up. What you need is a hobby. Like bleach tasting.

Why do people take these inane little quizzes in the first place? I honestly don't know. They're pointless, and what's more, nobody cares about the results. At the very least, I can assure you that I don't give two shits about the results. Online quizzes and questionairres are right up there with jigsaw puzzles and paint-by-number sets for shit that could disappear from the face of the Earth tomorrow and it wouldn't change a god damned thing either way.

And that's not all; There's actually an industry based on these mindless quizzes. Bullshit merchants like e-harmony, Trụe, and Tickle design tests to pander to the the three types of hopeless internet schmuck:

Type 1:
The Desperate Schmuck
This specimen of internet schmuck is the person who just can't seem to find a date because everyone they grew up around already knows what kind of loser they are, and members of the opposite sex may have even taken up a collection to get them patriated to a foreign country. Relying on the anonymity of the internet... sorry, giggling fit here... they hope that somewhere in the world there exists a similar loser of the opposite sex, likewise tired of masturbation as their only recourse, that is just glad to have a partner to fuck for a change.

Type 2:
The Criminally Horny Schmuck
The second type of Internet Schmuck is the Criminally Horny Schmuck, and is usually male. Drooling over pictures of voluptuous Photoshopped breasts bursting from their halter tops, the Criminally Horny Schmuck displays signs of dementia in believing that he could ever 'hook up' with such a female over the internet. While Criminally Horny Females have been rumored to exist in isolated geographic niches, none are known to be in captivity, although reports of sightings abound. In fact, many researchers in the field consider both the Criminally Horny Female and it's less lavishly plumed relative, the Horny Female, to be hoaxes on the order of Piltdown Man, as there is some contention as to whether either breed of female ever actually walked the earth.

Type 3:
The-Shmuck-Who's-Still-In-Denial-About-
His-Repulsiveness-So-He-Tries-To-Impress
-People-With-His-High-I.Q.-Score-But-
Doesn't-Quite-Understand-That-It-Won't
-Get-Him-Laid-Due-To-His-Being-Utterly-
Devoid-Of-Social-Skills-Of-Any-Kind-And
-That-Girls-Aren't-Impressed-By-Or-
Attracted-To-Forty-Year-Old-Guys-Named-
Poindexter-Who-Still-Live-In-Their-Parents'
-Basement-And-Own-A-Pet-Snake

The poster child for birth control, This third and final breed of Internet Schmuck is considered a nuisance by most every organism he comes in contact with. Thankfully, this number is a low one as they are intensely reclusive creatures. The White House Committee on Agriculture initiated a spay/neuter (C.H.O.P.S.), and modem confiscation (NOMO), programs for these types of Internet Schmuck in March of 2003, but both programs failed due to the failure of these specimens to actually ever leave their basements and go outside. The C.H.O.P.S. program ended in June of 2004, with the NOMO program losing funding just nine months later due to government cutbacks. That same year, Congress announced the defunct programs were to be replaced by a completely new initiative which granted free broadband access to all persons previously targeted by NOMO, as leading scientists discovered it was a fantastic way to keep annoying motherfuckers in the house.

If you took this test to learn something about yourself, here it is: if you've not bred, you must sterilize yourself immediately. This is vital to my well being, sanity, and the future security of the nation. I'll send you free plans for a microwave gun so you can start zapping yourself in the crotch right now if you just e-mail me and ask. However, if you have already passed your hideously defective, yet sadly resillient DNA along to a new generation, do the right thing: spay or neuter your unswallowed loads before they can give us yet another generation of mindless dumbasses who do nothing but sit in the dark and stare at a computer screen, and all to answer a battery of the most superficial, piffling, and inane questions imaginable just to find out which Harry Potter character a random, fellow, sweaty, cross-eyed basement dweller with a mullet thinks they are. By the way, stop fucking, because I know you'll be doing this in public next:

That's an example of a Monkeyshine, by the way.

We, the people of Earth, don't want your genes going any farther than they've already come.

Now's as good a time as any to let you know that you are not any of the people you only wish these quizzes could make you. Hell, I'd prefer that they made you a make-believe character too. That way I'd have absolutely no chance of ever meeting you, and being subject to your monumental stupidity. I swear people like you are the reason they make blood pressure medication.

Of course, there's nothing wrong with a little escapist fantasy and all that happy horse shit. But just look at the test you took to get to this page. It was mindless, vapid, and completely inane: just like every other online personality quiz.

Just like you.

2006-07-27T02:29:00.000-05:00

What Kind Of Shallow Co-Dependant Are You?

Question 1: Do you have a MySpace account?

Like, oh my god, I LIVE for MySpace!

Yes, I have an account, but I don't use it that much.

No, but I've been thinking about signing up for one.

Fuck MySpace.

Question 2: Do you have any friends outside of the ones on MySpace?

I don't understand the question. What do you mean?

MySpace is my only means of communication with this "outside" you speak of.

I have a friend.

I'm not twitchy. Again, fuck MySpace.

Question 3: Have you ever attended a convention of any kind?

I've bought tickets to the next 6 annual Star Wars conventions so I don't have to stand in line.

Anime is a way of life!

I want to but my boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't like it so we don't go.

I'm not a people person.

Question 4: Would you say that you are a compulsive test taker?

I love taking tests! You can learn so much about yourself!

I've taken a few of them.

I took one once, but lost interest mid way through.

I don't take tests.

Question 5: Have you ever seen a woman, (neither your mother nor yourself), naked?

Yes, I have.

No, I have not.

Do RealDolls count?

Hey, grandma was pretty hot.

Question 6: Are online quizzes fun and informative?

OHMIGOD this is SooooOoOOoo much fun!

I'm rather bored, actually.

Eat shit, fucker.

Sometimes... sometimes my diaper leaks.

Question 7: Do you enjoy letting others handle all the difficult decisions?

Oh that is SO totally me!

Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.

No.

Thinking too much gives you wrinkles.

Question 8: Would you say that tests such as this one accurately identify your personality?

Of course! If you can't trust tests, what can you trust?

There might be something to it, but I'm reserving judgement.

I'd say it depends on the test and the author's credentials as a test writer.

This is so completely full of shit.

Question 9: Do you hate your job, but work there anyway because you'd rather be stable than happy?

I love my job, even though it's really hard sometimes and I never seem to have a day off because I'm always called in. They need me.

My job's okay. I do what I have to do so the lights stay on for right now, but I'm going to get a better job soon.

Work sucks and they've got me by the balls.

Work? Pfft! Where's the fun in that? Stables are for horses.

Question 10: Chocolate?

OHMIGOD YESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

It's not a substitute for the real thing.

It makes me break out.

Fat ass.

2006-07-24T01:50:00.000-05:00

Attack Of The 50 Foot Thoughts!

We say a lot of things that we pretend make sense. Take the high school and collegiate ranking system as an example. We have Freshmen, Sophomores, Juniors and Seniors, right? The word "Freshmen" I can understand. Ditto Senior, and even the term "Junior" has a kind of logic to it. But Sophomore? What the fuck is that? Who made this shit up? And what was he on?

And since we're on the subject, I find it curious that people with a college education still say things like "Incoming Freshmen" and "Graduating Seniors". You don't hear about any "Lingering Juniors" or "Semi-Sophomores" do you?

Why isn't long distance pissing an Olympic event?

It occurs to me that nobody gives two shits about any kind of technology until it can be utilized for entertainment.

I often wonder if anyone has ever concieved while jogging.

Once at a diner, I saw something on the menu called an "Open-Faced" sandwich. I don't really know how to tell them this, but sandwiches don't have faces. They're sandwiches. I couldn't eat something that was looking at me. Besides, if sandwiches did have faces, I bet they'd give you some really dirty looks as you were munching on them. Moreover, the concept of an open-face sounds like a pretty severe injury requiring medical intervention, not culinary arts. You wouldn't eat a "sucking chest wound" sandwich, would ya'?

I hate being nice.

You know who I'd like to meet? Two men named Junior Little Sr. and his son, Junior Little Jr.

Definitions!

Lawsuit: (n) lô·soot
The clothing your attourney wears.

Dismember: (v) dis·mem·bur
a. To tear a person or thing limb from limb.
b. To kick someone out of an organization.

Remember: (n) re·mem·bur
a. To put a person or thing back together which has been previously torn limb from limb.
b. To renew one's membership in an organization.

Ketchup: (n, v) kech·ep
a. The greatest condiment known to man.
b. A game one has to play when they've fallen behind.

Catsup: (n) Kat·soop
A liquid food prepared from feline and vegetable stock combined with various other ingredients and often containing solid pieces.

Linux: (n) Lin·uks
a. An open-source operating system that remains stable by not allowing any programs to run.
b. Masturbatory material for geeks still living at home in their parent's basement.
Getting back to something I said earler, as far as I know, in no culture are animals butchered for the meat on their faces. Why is that? It seems like such a waste. We'll use skin, gonads, intestines, brains, muscles, bone, and bladders, but the face just doesn't get anywhere. The human face has something like 44 muscles in it, and taking comparative vertibrate anatomy into account, our slaughter animals should have a similar number. If you think of all the animals that are slaughtered every year, and then take an average of the surface area of their faces, that's literally square miles of potential food that we're just tossing aside. I'm sure you could get at least a sandwich out of it. If ya' cared enough. I tell you, this is the reason we can't compete in a global market anymore. Slipshod values. Remember, happiness is only grin deep.

Would you believe that cola doesn't even have any coal in it?

Have you ever been so mad at someone you wanted to see them run over, shot, stabbed, flayed, poisoned, drawn, quartered, beheaded, burned at the stake, pissed on, chopped into little bitty pieces, and then have the pieces arrested for indecent exposure? Yeah, me too.

I wonder how snails fuck?

Does pasteurized milk come from plain cows that have been given champain and allowed to have a field day?

They say Dracula can be killed by a stake through his heart. I say my wife can kill you with one of her steaks in your stomach.

If you called a gay man a cocksucker, would he be offended?

I'd like to have just a compass, a poncho, and a small tactical warhead. Because, hey, you never know.

One man's trash is another man's refuse.

On the internet, people used to have web pages, but now they're calling them "Weblogs", or "Blogs" for short. Trendy bastards. People are forever asking me to check out their blog, and they're all the same; meaning that they suck. Just because you're trendy doesn't mean you're interesting. Quite the opposite in fact. And who thought of that particular name anyway? Blog! Is it just me, or does "Blog" sound like the noise you make when you blow chunks? I find it amazing that something could suck and blow at the same time. And by extention, a blogspot would be... Well, hey, I ain't cleaning it up.

The next time someone asks you to turn on the television, go over and start making out with it and see how they respond. Refer to their TV as a 'filthy whore' while giving it condescending looks from then on for added effect.

2006-07-12T18:23:00.000-05:00

Demi, Semi, Quasi, Hemi

Hyphens are everywhere in modern society, and it seems that we use all of them to indicate various states of "not quite". I find this considerably amusing, especially when reflection yields whimsical results. For instance, when an ice cream parlor describes it's product as "semi-soft", do you ever wonder exactly what happened? Has the ice cream been ran over with a truck? That would be one way to semi-soften it. In fact I've seen numerous animals on the side of the road that've been semi-softened. It's just not very sanitary.

To tell the truth, I wasn't aware you could even have a condition like "semi-soft" in the first place. I grew up thinking that concepts such as hard and soft were absolutes. But since you can, apparently, have hyphenated states of matter, why is there no demi-soft ice cream? Or how about semi-hard candy? I ask you, would you feel comfortable knowing that a quasi-medic was taking care of you after an accident? And how many people would be brave enough to go skydiving with a demi-chute strapped to their backs?

In English punctuation, we have the colon and the semi-colon, but we don't have a demi-colon or a para-colon, although we do have a condition known as a paradox. But I ask you, why is there no demi-dox, or quasi-dox? Would they be worse? And wouldn't they make even better crappy science fiction movies?

Engineer: "Captain Spiff! Senosrs indicate fluctuations in our warp core refibulators have torn a hole in the space-time continuum! The engines are at maximum and we're being pulled in! Shields are offline!"

Captain Freen: "What does your alien, yet exceedingly powerful mind make of this, Mister Bertz?"

Science Officer Bertz: "The situation is most unfortunate, Captain. We could be thrown into multiple points in time simultaneously, thereby creating a quasi-dox."

Captain Freen: "Quasi-dox? Don't you mean Para-dox?"

Bertz: "No sir, this is a Quasi-dox. It's much, much worse. The IRS gets involved and hits you multiple times for back taxes."

Captain Freen: "I see. Ready Phasers!"

Personally I'd like to hear about a demi-normal investigator. And the remake of The Hunchback of Notre Dame with Demi-modo would be amusing. And Quasi Moore could co-star as Esemerelda. Electronics could be made with quasi-conductors, and audiences could attend a demi-nar to learn how to fuck better.

What if the semi-military forces around the world upgraded to para-automatic weapons? That'd be fun. Do you think we could talk Demis Hilton into wearing jewelry inlaid with para-precious stones? And I have to tell you that I'd be a lot more excited about sports if they had Quasi, Demi, Para, and Hemi-finals.

That reminds me, "Hemi" is another thing that needs to be looked at. We have a Northern Hemisphere, a Southern Hemisphere, and an Eastern and a Western Hemisphere, too. That's a lot, isn't it? So if "Hemi" means "half", that would mean we have two planets here on Earth, wouldn't it? (Four halves equaling two.) Now if that's true, where is this "third world" you keep hearing about? And where's the second one now that I think of it? They must be real hellholes because you never hear about them at all.

And say, I have a friend who has a Quasi truck for sale with a Semi engine in it.

All right, that's enough of that.

2006-07-10T17:53:00.000-05:00

Water You Kidding Me?

Do you know what I could do without? Bottled water. Really. It's a bunch of pretentious bullshit that has simply got to go. The Earth's surface is 70% covered by water, and the trendy, special-needs health nuts are too god damned good to drink the off-brand stuff.

Besides, you want to know something? Bottled water is harvested from the municipal supply at a factory and then ran through a water softening filter. For those of you who think that sounds high-tech, it's a fucking bucket of salt tablets. Then it hits an industrial sized HEPA filter just like the ones you can buy at Wal-Mart before being poured into plastic bottles and labeled as coming from some mountain spring in the Andes. And do you want to know who produces this wonderfully pure water? The Coca-Cola and Pepsi companies. Don't believe me? Take a good look at that Dasani bottle. In the fine print, assuming you both own a magnifying glass and can read, it says "Bottled by the Coca-Cola Company". Aquafina? A wholly owned brand and registered trademark of the Pepsi Corporation, that. And what's more, neither of these products are pure water. They've got weird additives in them and they leave an even weirder, plastic aftertaste in your mouth. Yeah. And just to give me an aneurism, there's even a group of shameless bastards selling "Fitness Water". As opposed to WHAT?! (Thou Shalt Not Kill... Thou Shalt Not Kill....)

So why, oh why do people buy this stuff? Is it so they can have a nice clean drink without any aftertaste? I've already told you how well that works. Don't look for purity here when sugar-barons Coke, Pepsi and Nestle are in the business. Maybe they buy it so they can cut calories? That sounds good too, until you realize that a person can get the same thing that's in these bottles, and less, for just a few cents per gallon at home, provided they are willing to humble themselves and stoop low enough to put an empty cup or bottle under the faucet in the kitchen.

But taste's not the reason. You know good and damned well taste's not the reason. They buy this crap for the same reason Starbucks still sells overpriced swill; because it's trendy. They want to look good in front of their friends and impress people. That's why they put the rediculous shit they do on the bottles.

"From The Crystalline Rock Aquifer"

Here's a news flash for the new age, crystal-gripping, hippie crowd: All rocks are "Crystalline". They're rocks. That's the manner in which rocks form; a crystal matrix. It's redundant, but it sure sounds clean and flashy, eh? However, if it's crystals that you think are great, might I suggest filtering some water through a bit of good old strychnine? It's colorless, odorless, and absolutely clear. It's got to be good for you, because it's pretty. And it's a crystal!

Of course when confronted with this, these empty-headed hydrophiliacs claim that they just don't like the flavor of the water at their house. "It tastes nasty", they say.

Flavor! In water! Have you ever tried drinking it cold? Or would you prefer the plastic taste of the shit from Wal-Mart? By the way, water with flavor in it is called Kool Aid.

Besides, this is the fucking municipal water supply we're talking about here! This is what you pay for every month when the bill comes in, and it's inspected to make damned good and sure that it's safe. ...at least I'm pretty sure it is... but anyway, you people are wasting money on image that's not doing a god damned thing for you but making you broke. And all over water. Burned Hydrogen. Do you know what the most abundant element in the Universe is? Hydrogen. Know what you get when you set it on fire?

... dum de dum de dum.

...

(Go ahead, do a Google search.)

(Okay, lessee... "Dihydrogen monoxide, sometimes called hydric acid." Hmm. So "Di" means two... and hydrogen... That's H. So there's two Hydrogen atoms. H2. Right. Then we'd be burning it, and mono is, like, one, isn't it? I think it's one. And oxide, uh, means bonded with oxygen, yeah? Because I think I remember that from the chemistry class I slept through in High School. Oxygen is O. Okay, getting close now. Then that'd be, uh, H2... and O. Which would give us... Hey, that's... thats water! H2 motherfucking O!)

My you're quick. Can you guess your hair color, too?

You've seen that commercial that says, "Image is nothing. Thirst is everything. Obey your thirst."? well I say fuck all that. Image is vanity. Thirst is basic. Drink fucking water and look at yourself in the mirror if you want, (especially if you're still stuck on that "hair" question), but quit with this trendy bullshit. Drinking water from plastic soda bottles doesn't make you cultured.

And besides, there's a reason Evian is Naive spelled backwards: They've been laughing at you for years.

2006-07-02T12:53:00.000-05:00

I Am Man

I judge a fish by how well it tastes after being properly battered and deep fried, not on it's coloration. There are only nine colors: Red, Yellow, Blue, Green, Orange, Brown, Purple, Black. and White. Everything else is something only girls and sissies see. My logic is infallable.

My first instinct whenever there's trouble is to ask myself "What would the Hulk do?" My first instinct whenever there's a minor annoyance is to ask myself "What would the Hulk do?" None can control me.

I don't give a shit about animal rights. There are no such things when it comes to animals raised for slaughter. Their only right is to be well-fed that they might achieve a perfect marbling for that flavor I so love at suppertime. My physique is a marvel to behold.

My basic instincts are just that. Basic. I desire only food and rest. In fact, this is the only reason I permit women to have sex with me: when I'm finished, I'm hungry and tired. Shelter is overrated. I sleep on bare stone. None control me.

I don't have feelings. Girls have feelings. My only concern in life is to compete against other men that I might kill and win. I am man.

Don't bullshit me, for that is not wise. I know what I want. And when I want something, I want it now. I will tear through a school filled with retarded children for a well-cooked steak and a pitcher of beer, if such is the object of my desire at the time. I am Alpha.

How many of you can say that you've killed a grizzly bear with your bare hands? I have, and I do so regularly. They taste good, and it's a great exercise in the morning. I have no need to shower, for I do not sweat. I naturally smell of English Leather, and my farts can deafen entire stadiums full of people at once. My farts smell of English Leather, too. Monuments are often erected in my honor

I love to swim, and I do so very well. Sometimes, in rare moments of kindness, I take people waterskiing, but we don't use a boat; they are for the weak. I hold the rope in my awesomely powerful jaws and churn the water into a white froth in my wake. The weak and stupid have no place around me.

I chop down trees with only my fists when I require firewood, and I crush boulders to gravel for amusement. I once deflected a bullet aimed for the President with my nuts. I was, of course, uninjured. I am the only six-time Congressional Medal of Honor recipient.

I joined the Marine Corps and wore my numerous medals on my bare chest without a shirt. For amusement. I stomp on kittens, trip the elderly and punch retards in the face. For amusement. World leaders come to me for advice.

I shave by beating the hairs in with a ball-pien hammer and biting them off from the inside. I have muscles on my eyelids. I can bite through three inches of solid steel, I shit rusty nails and broken glass, and it feels good.

I am immortal. None can kill me. None can touch me, lest I will it. I am a grandmaster of all martial arts and forms of combat. I once slew a charging rhino with just a dirty look. The heavens fear my wrath.

Everyone hates me, yet everyone wishes they could be me. Women want me, men fear me, and animals cower before my might wondering how much longer it will be until they become my dinner. My power is absolute.

I am man. Send money.

2006-06-26T00:35:00.000-05:00

The Tabloid News

Hey everybody! How's it going? It sure is good to see you again. Are the wife and kids doing okay? Yeah? Oh that's great, man.

Now that we've got the formalities out of the way, do you know what I could do without for the rest of my natural life? These fucking tabloid newspapers taking up space at the checkout counter at supermarkets. Well okay, maybe it's not the papers per se that I utterly loathe so, but the people who buy and read this nonsense have simply got to go. I understand that the publishers of these voids of worth have done nothing more than offer a product to an audience who demands it. I'll be the first one to admit that it's a sin to allow stupid people to keep their money, but even still, we have got to start phasing these folks out.

Just look at the headlines with which they assault us! (And take note of how they wear out their exclamation mark key; it's their sole form of punctuation.) Britney and Kevin Split! Liz Taylor Alzheimers Tragedy! It's Not Brad's Baby! Nostradamus Prophecies Predict the End of the World! Jesus Sighted at Vatican! Ghost of Pope John Paul II Performs Miracles! Batboy Captured! Paul McCartny Weds Girl Half His Age, Has Baby! Elvis Sighted at Graceland! Gilbert Godfried Cancer Shocker! Who's Too Thin in Hollywood! Princess Di Was Giving The Driver Head! Kennedy Scandal! (Boy does THAT one get a lot of print.) NEW Nostradamus Prophecies Found In Cave Under Church! Horrible Disease That Rots Your Face Off Discovered In Akron Ohio! Complete List of Who's Gay in Hollywood! Latest Relationship News From Jessica Simpson and What's His Name! Jessica Alba Marries Somebody You've Never Heard Of In Secret Ceremony: Juicy Details Inside! How Jennifer Lopez Brushes Her Teeth! Tom Cruise Eats Placenta Of Firstborn! etc. etc. etc...

Why would anyone in his right mind give two fucks about any of this crap? Why do you want to know this in the first place? Why!?! Do you know these people? Do they really mean anything to you? Is this what you call worthwhile news? Good God in Heaven I hope not. I wouldn't use these so-called news publications to wipe my ass if I was out of paper. I'd sacrifice socks first.

And why do I care what you read anyway? "What stake", you may ask, "do I have in how you choose to be entertained"? Quite simply it's because you mouth-breathing pinheads embarrass me. That's right. I am embarrassed to admit that I share genetic material with a species capable of deriving entertainment from this kind of mindless prattle. Where is the challenge? Where is the value? Not even Ben Stiller makes me want to hang my head in shame so, and I hope he dies as soon, and as violently, as possible.

I'm honestly worried to death that some of you special needs assholes actually vote based on what these tabloid rags print. I'm worried that you plan your lives around what these people tell you. I'm terrified to think that you may have already bred. This is not the way to keep up with current events. It is living a vicarious voyeuristic fantasy life, and it's a sign of a very, very sick mind.

If you read this kind of garbage, this pure bilge, know that I am not pleading for the sake of my own intellect, but rather I'm pleading for yours. You are willfully ignorant of the real world and it's machinations and simply don't care. You don't care that you're in a minimum wage job, you don't care that you are a burden on society, and you don't care that you're stuck in a dead-end life. All that matters to you is who wins the game show, who wins the Nascar race, who'll be next to be voted off the island, and what the fancy people in Hollywood are wearing this season. Your brain is rotting inside your head, and you are producers of nothing. You simply consume, waste, and bury your head in the sand, only to pull it out in time to watch the next sparkly thing go by so you can ooo and ahh at it.

Check back into reality for a change. Put the controller down and do something with what little life you have left. Existing isn't life.

And if you choose to ignore my pleading and begging, God damn it, whatever else you do, don't breed.

2006-06-19T01:00:00.000-05:00

Bride Of Thoughts!

I think a fist-shaped vibrating dildo with an outboard motor would sell.

We pay the phone bill , the gas bill, and the light bill, but we don't get a dark bill, a solid bill or a heavy bill. Do waterfowl have to pay a duck bill? Sometimes you see a sign that says "Post no bills". Could you hang that on your mailbox to keep the mailman from delivering attempts at debt collection? What if the mailman's name was William?

Is "halla" the arabic word for dog?

I've never seen an overly-emotional orange before. In fact all the fruits in my refrigerator are well-behaved. They make very little noise. Actually I've never even seen them move. They're like vegetables.

I enjoy making impossible demands of children.

We have popsicles, why don't we have momsicles? If they were really large, could we call them grandpopsicles? By the way, in wintertime, snotsicles are pretty common, but you don't see anyone trying to sell them. In fact, nobody ever says "Boy, I can't wait to get home so I can have a snotsicle! That would sure hit the spot!"

Okay, maybe that's a little too gross for some of you, but you've gotta admit, it would be pretty nutritious and boost the immune system. (Hey, you already eat Jell-O. Just look where that comes from.) But I think the snack companies are missing a good bet; think of all the vitamins and minerals in urine. Piss-sicles! Wouldn't that be good? Or how about we go the final step and make, (That's right, I'm saying it), Shit-sicles! Frozen shit-on-a-stick! Can't you just see someone sucking on one of these on a hot day? Chocolate flavored! Yes sir! It would probably look like a cigar. Think of that next time you see somebody smoking one. Talk about getting shit-faced, eh?

Half the fun is getting there. The other half is getting naked.

Have you noticed that guys treat sex like some kind of job or construction project? We hammer, bang, nail, and screw. How come we don't chisel, putty, caulk or saw? Although we do spackle, plumb, bump and grind, you never hear anyone bragging about getting to sand, grout, shingle or mortar some chick. We lay, but we don't pour. We plow, but we don't till. We knock but we never ring. Jesus Christ, don't people just fuck anymore?

Just because you're unique doesn't mean you can't be replaced.

Definitions: (Because you know you love these god damned things.)

Bicycle: (n) bI·sik·ul
a. A two pronged frozen treat.
b. A transportation device for those with "alternate lifestyles".

Hard Drive: (n) hard·drIv
a. A 20 mile trip during rush hour.
b. A device in your computer designed to destroy data.

Fingernail: (v) fin·gur·nAl
a. Bringing a woman to orgasm with just a single digit.
b. A common carpentry accident resulting in profuse swearing.

Basketcase: (n) bas·kit·cAs
A container used to store your basket when it's not in use.

Gatorade: (n) ga·tur·Aid
The Florida Wildlife Conservation Agency.

Pylon: (v) pI·lon
a. What I want to happen with the toppings on my pizza.
b. What I never want to hear my daughter say to the football team.

Condom: (n) con·dum
a. An 8" x 2" Glossy. Suitable for framing.
b. How shady people describe making money.

Tits: (n) tits
The things you pretend to be interested in until you can get her pants off.

Fuck activists!

...With a big rubber dick!

What is "Extra Virgin" olive oil? Have you seen this shit? What ever happened to Virgin olive oil, huh? Or just the regular "well-ridden slut" olive oil? How can they tell how much olive oil gets laid? When it gets right down to it, I'd like to know how you can be an extra-virgin in the first place. Is an extra virgin simply one more virgin than you need? Or maybe it's just a really, really fat chick that hasn't been around anybody drunk enough to fuck her yet. Or that one morbidly obese, pizza-faced guy you know who laughs with a wheese at everything with the coke bottle-bottom glasses who is doomed to be a platonic friend for the rest of his life. And what on earth would you need olive oil with a virgin for? On second thought, never mind. I think I've worked it out. Sounds messy though.

If you go to Google and type in a search for "Roaches", and your webcam comes on, you might need to get in touch with an exterminator.

Whenever you try to dial a telephone number that you think is long distance, but it really isn't, you get a voice that tells you "it is not necessary to dial a one or a zero" when making the call, right? Well what I want to know is, if they know you've dialed a superfelous one or a zero, and they have things set up to tell you what kind of dumbass you are for dialing them, why don't they just ignore the god damned thing and put your call through in the first place?

I don't like getting flu shots. There's something about the idea of paying someone to stab me in the ass with a hypo loaded with a disease that they're "pretty sure" is dead that doesn't sit well with me.

YOU JUST THINK I'VE BEEN VULGAR BEFORE:

An angler fish is ugly. REALLY ugly. I mean like "Death Eating Crackers While Assfucking Your Grandmother" ugly. Have you ever seen one? No? Well you're lucky. It was like this one time when I saw my grandpa riding grandma like he was in a rodeo or something. I tell you, there's nothing on earth worse to look at than saggy nana-tits with liver spots on them connected to a bag of wrinkles that's being fucked doggy-style by another bag of wrinkles with a pacemaker, a back brace, and a colostomy bag. That's the kind of thing that'll blind you and cause you to go see a therapist. The kind of thing that makes you scrub your eyeballs with lye and a wire brush to get the image off your retinas. Especially when it's in your living room with the curtains open and the blinds up with all the lights on. Then you have the people who call the police and the cops come knocking on your door with a complaint and everything, and there's your grandpa with a dick the size of a roll of sausage and balls like a furry bag of apples just pounding away on a 99 year old browneye with a whisker biscuit that has a full mustache and beard that she braids, and then the cop takes one look and gets sick and vomits jelly doughnuts and coffee all over your welcome mat while the old people are too deaf to know that people are watching them do the nasty on the indian rug that they're slopping her yellow cunt juice and half a bottle of "Anal-Ease" on. (Or was it olive oil?) All the while the dog is licking the old man's nuts and asshole. Or maybe it was the cat. I can't remember. But even still, it's just one step above necrophelia, you know? If you're old enough to come dust, you really don't need to be having sex at all. Now where was I? Oh yeah... Well these angler fish, they're pretty rough looking. But they have this little light thingy on their heads to attract other fish. I think it's creepy.

Why is it that whenever your neighbors get drunk and are playing music a little too loudly, it's always some annoying shit that you've never heard of and couldn't identify if you wanted to?

And since we're on that subject, do you ever lay there and listen to the music for a while just trying to figure out what the fuck it is and who it's by, and it turns out to be some thumpy-bump country shit like, "Since you left me" (I've been uh fuckin' the dawg), by Wally Cowgill Jr.?

And the worst thing is that now you can't get it out of your head, right? It stays with you day in and day out. 'Round the clock. You find yourself humming it at work and start looking for a place to commit suicide.

At what point do you consider your underwear to be too dirty to wear for another day?

Tuna does not require "helper".

And since we're on the subject of Tuna, the label "Tuna fish" has too many words. Everyone knows tuna is a fish. My 4 year old retarded nephew knows tuna is a fish, and he likes to play in the blue water for brown fish and laughs at car accidents. We also do this with Catfish and Dogfish. In fact, it seems that fish is the only food that we give this overly-descriptive treatment. But to follow the example, why don't we have Chicken Bird, Cow Beef, Pork Swine, or Celery Plant? Why not Apple Fruit, Bovine Milk, Duck Fowl or Turkey Avian? Because it sounds stupid. It's Tuna. Period. Fuck you.

Recently while driving I saw a roadsign that read "End Doubled Fines". Fuckin' A! I'll vote for that!

If you're going to fail, always try to do so at the highest possible level so it makes a great story. I'm easily amused by that kind of stuff.

I think I might have a little Jewish blood in me somewhere down the line. I'm not very good at chemistry and I can't even tell the difference between hydrogen cyanide and shampoo. Also, I can carry on an entire conversation for over a half hour with nothing but questions, and I can't stand to pay retail price.

World War III never happened.

A person I know from work has this cat that she'd owned for 17 years. One day it died and the people up at work bought her a sympathy card and asked everyone to sign it. So I did. Just my name. Later, my boss comes around and says that I should really write something a little more personal. So I added, "I bet a dog would last longer." Then he gets all pissed at me! What the fuck is that?

2006-06-11T05:31:00.000-05:00

The End Of Democracy

NOTICE: This week's post was originally going to be named Bride Of Thoughts!, but due to an alarming turn of events, I took that post down until next week, as I believe this one is of much greater importance. Thank you for understanding.
-- Alan

Democracy: de·mok·ress·E
(n) pl. de·moc·ra·cies

1. Government by the people, exercised either directly or through elected representatives.
2. A political or social unit that has such a government.
3. The common people, considered as the primary source of political power.
4. Majority rule.
5. The principles of social equality and respect for the individual within a community.

I am proud to tell you that there is very little in the world today that I actually care about or believe in. I do not consider myself a member of any particular local or political group, nor do I see voting as some kind of civic obligation. I'm not a booster for anything, and I never played in the band. I make it my business to mind my business: I do my thing, and I leave everybody else the fuck alone. I'm a happy kind of guy.

That being said, I want to tell you... no. I have to tell you about something which disturbed me.Today something happened: something bad. And I must say that's not a thing I utter lightly. The metacrime I speak of happened in the United States House of Representatives on the evening of June 8th, 2006. On this date, a death knell was heard as the House of Representatives, caving into pressure from AT&T, Verison, and BellSouth lobbyists, voted down a Constitutional Amendment that would guarantee freedom of access on the Internet.

That amendment was called Net Neutrality, and it would have worked like this: Right now, you as the Internet user control what you see. You open a browser window, type in a URL, and you are directed to that page, regardless of what network it's on, or who owns the hardware. Furthermore, these networks must currently allow traffic from other, competing networks on their systems at the same level of quality. That is, they may not intentionally block access or restrict service to competing content. Nor may they downgrade the quality of competing content to promote their own material. That's how things would have Constitutionally remained. Neutral. Fair play. Right down the middle.

Right out the window is more like it.

While I'm willing to admit that a Constitutional Amendment is probably a little extreme, I agree with the principles behind it. (If an Equal Rights Amendment flopped, what chance does something like this have?) However a bill is now in the Senate, put forth by Senators Olympia Snowe (R-Maine) and Byron Dorgan (D-North Dakota), that would prevent the privatizing of the Internet in the United States. The large telecom companies want to make the Internet more like your local cable experience. They would determine what content you got, when it was available, and could restrict or ban access to things that they simply didn't like, such as competing technology or sites like this one should they take offense to something I've said.

What's more, they could go about charging whatever they felt like for "premium" services and speeds. If you couldn't afford to pay their price, you don't get the fast lane, and have to take what they call "The Low Road". What's worse, they could offer premium speeds to the highest bidders on their networks, ensuring that Yahoo! Search loaded faster than Google, for example, should the folks at Yahoo! buy into their little digital mint and the good guys at Google snub them.

This nifty little business model extends to those of you who use iTunes as well. Say for a second that your network owned it's own music delivery system. iTunes would be in direct competition with it, so it decides to block access to iTunes and Apple's website in general on it's network. Now you can't access iTunes anymore. If you want music online, you have to get it from them exclusively.

Even if they didn't outright block it, (which this legislation will allow them to do!), they could downgrade the service so bad that you wouldn't want to use it anymore. How? Well how about trickling the downloads through at about 1k per second? That means that a 4.3 MB song would take you 72 minutes to download. Ugh.

They could block news sites if one should publish a story that casts them in an unbecoming light. They could block stock quote sites, newsgroups, blogs, video content, and anything else that they don't get a kickback from. They could charge you whatever they wanted for bandwidth and there's not a single god damned thing you could do about it.

And before you say that this could never happen, you should know that they already own over 90% of the networks in the United States anyway. Only a precious few restrictions are preventing them from doing all this right now, and those are the ones they're trying to dissolve with heavy bankrolls even as we speak. Unfortunately, they won't be the first of the lot to fall either.

Speak up! Write your congressmen, write dirty letters, visit http://www.savetheinternet.com/. Hell, if you have any poo, fling it now! But don't let them get away with another piece of our freedom. We must be resolute; they don't cross this line!

2006-06-02T21:43:00.000-05:00

Fuck Diamonds!

Why do people value diamonds? Does anybody even know? What makes them special, eh? Is it because they're hard? Is that it? Do they taste really good with a nice red wine? Or is it that they've been found to cure cancer and I'm the only one who hasn't been told yet?

This is the kind of pie-in-the-sky, mouth agape mindlessness that makes my balls hurt. I tell you now that the diamond industry, and jewelry in general, is the most narcissistic bunch of bullshit that has ever come down the pike. Diamonds are rocks that wash up on the beach in South Africa, and can be mined in quite a few other places around the world. They are not unique things, have no practical worth, and can be found most anywhere that the DeBeers cartel stench is detected in the air.

Were you aware that they're flammable? No? Absolutely. They'll burn like a lump of coal. In fact, they're made of exactly the same thing. Chemically they're identical.

You are not going to convince me, no matter how hard you try, that a lump of pressurized coal is essential to my survival and happiness; regardless of any amount of propaganda you choose to slather it with.

Besides, there are many other gemstones out there besides diamonds and they come in a variety of colors. If you get right down to it, diamonds have no use but to serve as an object of conspicuous consumption. They can be manufactured in the laboratory to serve as abrasive coatings on precision grinding tools, to enhance the cutting edge of a drill bit, and many other things besides. They are no longer a wonder of nature. They are no more unique and interesting than concrete, and for the same reasons.

To fabricate a diamond, all that is required is to heat and pressurize anything with carbon in it. And I mean anything. Let me repeat that because it sounds vaguely important. To fabricate a diamond, all that is required is to heat and pressurize anything with carbon in it. And I mean anything. Coal. Asphalt. Tree bark. Peanut butter. The mouse you caught in a trap last night. Your old gym shorts. All of it will yield diamond. Diamonds are not special by any means. Perhaps the most flattering thing I can say about diamonds is that the carbon out of which they were created was once inside an exploding star... but then again so was everything that makes up your family dog and the shit he leaves for you to pick up every morning; along with every single other thing on Earth and in our solar system.

Some of you may be thinking about these old jeweled precision watches you've heard about as a kid. Again, they're no longer necessary. Regarding mechanical applications, jewels of any kind are no longer used in watches, unless you count the microscopic quartz crystal inside, (a.k.a. refined glass), which is so stupefyingly cheap and ubiquitous that nobody in their right mind would dare to try to monopolize the source. Electronic clocks have rendered jewel timepieces obsolete. Modern electronics are more accurate by many orders of magnitude, never require winding, and are far less expensive to manufacture. To say it another way, a watch you get from a vending machine with a picture of the Incredible Hulk on it for fifty cents keeps more accurate time than a $3000 jewel precision Rolex.

Keep in mind that diamonds and the jewelry industry in general has lost a lot of it's old market, so now the only thing left is to pander to the stupid. Luckily for the gem merchants, these idiots just happen to comprise a vast majority of those who claim to be 'romantics'. I could give you a host of links to various advertising demonstrating my point, but I'm going to pass. You've seen these things before, and if not, you don't have to look all that far.

For those precious few holdouts against my logic, let me say this: It's not romantic to buy a rock. It's for damned sure not romantic to pay two month's salary for said rock. If your woman demands that you get her a diamond to prove how much you love her, run away screaming. She is a shallow, materialistic individual whose mental capacity can handle little more than trading pussy for shiny objects. This behavior is not indicative of desirable DNA for offspring. How romantic. "If you'll fuck me, I'll give you this shiny rock". Slow down, Casanova. Slow down.

To wrap this whole thing up, the diamonds people, all of them - from the DeBeers company who use the money to support death squads in Africa to the uppity cunt at the local jewelry store who wants you to prove yourself worthy of buying her product- are selling you a snobby, elitist, and completely useless item. And remember, only by buying their product can you, the misbegotten worm, transform into a creature of elegance and beauty such as they.

Fuck 'em I say! Lock them all into a small cell and give them nothing but diamonds to eat for two months. I'll bet they lose that snobby, upturned nose pretty damned quick.

Don't even get me started on the Russell Stovers assholes.

2006-05-31T17:30:00.000-05:00

AWARDS

To date, Plainly Ranting has won the following awards.

From reader K. White	Norse God Of Literary Art Award recieved from Plainly Ranting reader K. White.
From Stoker at Safety Photo	Safety Photo Site Of The Week Award recieved from Stoker at, (where else) Safety Photo.

2006-05-29T15:04:00.000-05:00

25 More Things David Blaine Could Do

David Blaine is not a magician. He's not even an entertainer. He's a schmuck, a hack, and a raging moron.

His latest "trick" was to spend a week underwater in a big plastic bubble. That's not magic. Hell, that's not even entertainment! Take away his fucking oxygen mask I say. If he can survive for a week then, I'll be impressed.

Besides, there are countless people in this country who have been on oxygen and other means of life support for far longer than a week. It doesn't make you special, David. It just makes you a pretentious prick to think that anyone with an I.Q. over 80 would care about what amounts to you going swimming. Yes, I know it's an incredible feat of endurance to take a fucking bath.

What else has he done? Let's see, he was suspended over the Thames river for 44 days in a clear box. Oooo. Scary. He was a dumbass and let them freeze him into a block of ice for sixty some-odd hours. Lame.

Since I'm a helpful kind of guy, I thought I ought to give him a few ideas for future stunts that would be a lot more interesting than the things he's done so far.

1) Interstate Camping

It's pretty simple, really. Blaine sets up a tent in the middle of the eastbound lane of I-94 in Chicago and stays inside for a week.

2) Skyscraper Diving

Just pick a nice skyscraper, like the Chrysler building, and swan dive off the top of it into a damp sponge. They'll love that!

3) Bleach Transfusion

This is a classic. Since he's into this "endurance" shit anyway, why not just see how much he can tolerate? Pump a gallon of his blood out and replace it with Clorox!

4) Gorilla Wrestling

David gets into a fistfight with a 800 pound gorilla and wrestles himself into the shape of a mangled human pretzel.

5) Decapitation

David Blaine chops off his own noggin with a guillotine to prove he can survive longer than the chicken, who holds the 18 month record for living without a head.

6) Self Trapanning

This is a fun one! David Blaine takes an industrial impact drill with a six inch long 1/2" wood bit and starts drilling holes into his own skull down to the chuck. He will be attempting to beat the seven hole record by a man who committed suicide via this method.

7) Shotgun Blast To The Head

Here, David Blaine attempts to beat Kurt Kobain's record of a single shot.

8) Jump Through A Running Jet Turbine

Blaine rides a motorcycle Evel Knievel-style through the running engine of a Boeing 747.

9) Mine Shaft Explosion

Here, our hero sets off a coal dust blast while under a mountain. Good stuff!

10) Jump From A Plane Without A Parachute

The record for surviving a fall without a parachute is 33,330 feet. David attempts an atmospheric reentry from orbit. Naked.

11) Drive A Sword Through Your Own Neck

David impales his throat with several sharp swords. Wholesome family entertainment.

12) Swallow And Detonate A Live Fragmentation Grenade

Not to be outdone by Daffy Duck, David shows that not only animated fictional characters can do the fun things! He also attempts to juggle.

13) Pass Through A Running Wood Chipper

In an incredible test of cunning and endurance, David Blaine dives into a machine designed to chew logs and branches into hamster bedding.

14) Hemlock Ingestion

In an attempt to survive where Socrates failed, Blaine subsists on Hemlock for a week... or ten minutes. We'll let you know.

15) Dale Earnhardt Tribute

David drives a rocket-propelled Fiat into a brick wall at 200 MPH.

16) Self-Barbecue

Here, Blaine survives inside a huge barbecue cooker for twenty hours while a 400 lb. hog roasts to perfection alongside him.

17) Deep Fried

In this monumental stunt, David submerges his head into a vat of 350° boiling grease and holds it there for three hours.

18) Burned At The Stake

Blaine demonstrates his remarkable endurance by tying himself to a stake and setting himself on fire.

19) Penny On The Rail

Blaine attempts to derail a speeding locomotive by allowing it to run him over lengthwise while he lies on the track. His mastery of the "Iron Crotch" skill will be demonstrated for all to see.

20) Brain Bash

In this daring stunt, David ties himself to a telephone pole while six lumberjacks beat him in the head with 20 lb. splitting mauls. He is attempting to break the previous record of 4 hours of bludgeoning.

21) Sans Testicles

Not to be outdone by Indian Fakirs, Blaine chops off his own genitalia with a dull machete on live television.

22) Self-Surgery

Herein David Blaine performs open heart surgery upon himself without anesthetic. Endurance, man. Endurance.

23) Deep Diving

Blaine attempts to dive down to the wreckage of the RMS Titanic sans any special equipment besides a wetsuit.

24) The Burn

In this remarkable feat, David Blaine buries himself up to his neck in sand next to a fire ant colony, and then has honey poured over his head. He remains in this position for an incredible 44 days without food or water!

25) The William Wallace Extravaganza (aka "Killed Alive")

In this simple, yet heartwarming stunt, David Blaine allows himself to be drawn, quartered, eviscerated and beheaded while a live audience looks on.

As you see, there's a lot of life left in David Blaine yet, and I am doing my part to remedy that situation.

2006-05-18T14:34:00.000-05:00

The Arrogance Of Species
OR
Why Environmentalists Are Completely Full Of Shit

WARNING: This article is intended for those who are not adverse to thinking on a regular basis. If you possess an I.Q. in the mid to high 80's, enjoy chewing crayons, have velcro closures on your shoes, or just have difficulty buttoning things, the following post is simply not intended for you. Check back next week for something more your speed.

Environmental activists are whipping up a frenzy with their greenhouse gas warnings, expensive satellites and computer models that tell us that the climate on Earth is changing. With the measured, ominous demeanor of professional gothic meteorologists they point out how we are experiencing progressively milder winters and more extreme storm systems year after year. Moreover, they tell us that mankind is solely responsible.

Burning our fossil fuels and recklessly releasing "greenhouse gasses" into the atmosphere, they say, is bringing this catastrophe down on us, and we are assured that things will only get worse. They warn us of overwhelming evidence concerning climactic shifts in the past being responsible for multiple mass extinctions of countless species, and that we must change our sinful, prodigal ways, lest we desire to be numbered among them. We are driving ourselves to extinction in our pollution belching SUV's, and if you do not take their warnings seriously and do the "green" thing, woe be upon you.

Okay, woe be upon me. I have listened to these arguments for far too long now, and I am compelled to put forward this single, simple question: Is it too much to ask of you environmental eco-fanatics that your train of thought carries freight? Nobody can get a word in edgeways with you people. You make a horrible din about the massive climate shifts that have occurred in past epochs before man walked the earth, yet you turn right around and say that there is no evidence to support the notion that global warming is caused by natural climate cycles. You stonewall against reason. You point to the "holes" in the ozone layer as proof that we are on the road to ruin, all the while talking out of both sides of your head.

Science Goes Afoul

Allow me to interject at this point that this is the area in which you should not fuck with me. You point out, correctly, that Ozone (O3) deteriorates in the presence of a certain group of chemicals known as Chlorofluorocarbons (CFCs) in the laboratory, and consequently push all kinds of legislation through the courts to ban their use. What's more, you do so on the grounds that these evil concoctions are eating life-threatening "holes" in the natural Ozone layer of the Earth.

However, your arguments conveniently ignore several damning facts: Firstly you ignore the fact that the ozonosphere begins some six miles straight up, while the CFC's that are alleged to erode it are heavier than air. Secondly, you pull the old bait-and-switch by showing laboratory experiments where CO2 breaks down Ozone, and then mentioning that your "holes" are at the poles where THERE IS NO CIVILIZATION WHATSOEVER. Never mind that skies over densely populated and industrialized places like New York City, Los Angeles, and Tokyo show nothing but normal levels of Ozone concentration in the stratosphere.

If you don't believe my claims about the weight of these CFC's, I ask that you merely inflate two balloons, one with pure CO2 and another with air from a pump to a similar size. Tie them off and drop them in still air. Compared to the air-filled balloon, you will note that the CO2 balloon drops like a rock, or about 50% faster than the control. How is it then that these evil "greenhouse" molecules were transported to the height of six miles above sea level where the ozone layer begins?

The word "Scam" comes to mind.

The exceptionally swift among you may ask, "Well what about water vapor? Water is heavier than air too, and it seems to have no trouble finding it's way into the upper atmosphere does it?" That's absolutely correct... sort of. Liquid water is indeed heavier, (read: more dense), than air. However, water vapor is not. Water vapor is a gas that is lighter than nitrogen or oxygen. (Earth's atmosphere is 75.523% Nitrogen, 23.133% Oxygen, and other trace gasses.) It is not blown aloft from ground level by wind currents, it merely rises because it is buoyant in the atmosphere. Keep that in mind.

The hardcore will tell you at this point that the lower atmosphere is continually mixed via a process known as convection, and that it is this well mixed air that enters the lower stratosphere from upward air motions in the tropical regions. That's a nice bullshit story, Charlie, but it just doesn't hold up. If this air is pushed up at the tropics, then the god damned hole should be found AT THE TROPICS, shouldn't it?

THEM: "Oh no! You just don't understand atmospheric dynamics."

ME: "But wouldn't these gasses, due to the mixing you describe, be found pretty much everywhere in the lower atmosphere?"

THEM: "Well, yeah."

ME: "Then shouldn't these "holes" likewise be found everywhere if your theory is correct?"

THEM: "Uh, no, because CFC's and other greenhouse gasses migrate to the poles, see? But they do it without touching the atmosphere at all on the way there. It's very complicated. You wouldn't understand."

ME: "Really? How can a gas heavier than air be transported to the height of six miles where the ozone layer begins and then through the same for thousands of miles more without interacting chemically with the ozonosphere at all until it gets to the poles?"

THEM: "Uh... I just shit myself".

Shut the fuck up. You're an idiot.

Now back to these holes you speak of. Why do we only have them at the magnetic poles? I think it's a good question to ask, and I think I have an answer. What natural phenomenon corresponds to the locations that we have these ozone holes?

The people will tell you that Antarctic ozone hole forms because of special weather conditions that exist there and nowhere else on the globe. (Never mind the ozone hole at the North pole, this is special.) They say that they very cold temperatures of the Antarctic stratosphere create ice clouds that allow chlorine and bromine reactions to produce the ozone hole in the springtime.

Notice how they conveniently ignore anything that will fuck up their plan? First of all, atmospheric temperature and pressure both decrease steadily the higher you climb. Thus, at heights above 20,000 feet (or about 6 Kilometers), ALL clouds are composed primarily of ice crystals, because the air temperature at that elevation is -12.28° F (-24.6° C) at less than one-half the atmospheric pressure experienced at sea level. You would have to be on pure oxygen to survive at this altitude, and bundled quite warmly, as the lower pressure would make the cold temperature seem even colder.

I've heard it argued that ozone destroying chlorine and bromine only form when the temperature is very low, but the proponents of this line of thought are basing this on results in a laboratory at normal atmospheric pressures at sea level, not the real ones at the altitudes where all this is taking place. In fact, the lower the pressure, the warmer, (and sooner), precipitates form. Again, if you don't believe me, look at some of the cooking directions on your food. A person in Denver can't bake a cake the same way as a person in New York City due to differences in elevation. Height matters.

According to Irving Horowitz, (Contemporary Earth Science, New York: Amsco, 1976), "The ozonosphere is located between about 6 and 35 miles (9.6 and 56 km) above sea level, and contains many ozone (O3) molecules." With "The highest concentration of ozone... between 9 and 8 miles (15 and 30 km) above [the] earth's surface." (Stephen Stoker. "Ozone." World Book. Chicago: World Book, 1993: 902.)

This means that, if you're following the math, the cloud formations required for their theory to work form EVERYWHERE. (I give you hailstones as proof of this.) Clearly, another mechanism must be in place. I also find it highly suspect that the first time they ever looked for evidence of ozone depletion at the poles in 1985, they found one. (As compared to readings taken some 60 years ago in 1957. Remember that number kids.) Besides, the word "hole" is a misnomer. The ozone density is simply thinner at the poles than it is elsewhere, and it has been decreasing in density ever since. But why? What special atmospheric condition occurs only at the poles that could account for this?

Auroras Anyone?

That's right. The auroras, (both Borealis and Australis), are phenomena that light up the entire sky, and they are caused by the fact that our planet's magnetic field shunts passing ionized particles from the sun, (also known as solar wind), to these areas where they are dissipated instead of bathing the habitable areas of earth with a deadly dose of radiation. (As an experiment, take a bar magnet and some iron filings. Put the magnet under a piece of paper and sprinkle the filings onto it. See how the filings bunch up at the poles of the magnet and almost NONE collect anywhere else? Same principle.) Ozone depletion has been observed to be increasing with respect to the increased output of the sun since the time of it's first measurement. Let me say that again in a whole new way so that you grasp fully what I mean: According to the global warming / environmentalist people, solar phenomenon powerful enough to illuminate and fluoresce the entire sky over both poles can have absolutely no effect on the atmosphere's chemical makeup. Any correlation between the increase in solar activity and electromagnetically driven naturally occurring light shows is purely coincidental. Never mind that the sun has been shining more brightly in the last 60 years than it has in the previous 1090.

Boy can some people be full of shit.

Global Warming In The Neighborhood

Moving on, I would like to share some more things with you. Scientists at NASA have recently measured global warming on Jupiter, Saturn, Saturn's moon Enceladus, Neptune's largest moon Triton, Mars, and far flung Pluto. Let me break this all down.

Jupiter
Jupiter, the king of the planets, has grown a new weather system south of the Great Red Spot which astronomers have whimsically dubbed "Red Spot Jr.". According to Space.com, astronomers say that the latest images could provide evidence that Jupiter is in the middle of a global climate change that could modify temperatures by as much as 10° Fahrenheit around the globe. Nobody knows why this is occurring, but it is believed that Jovian oil refineries, clearing of forestland, and SUV's are the cause.

Saturn
Saturn has a rather warm southern pole, and according to the Keck I infrared telescope in Hawaii, the measured temperature in that area suddenly jumped by 3-5° Celsius, but this is most likely to the region having been exposed to 15 years of continuous sunlight, deforestation, and CFC's released into the atmosphere by chemicals such as Freon.

Enceladus
Saturn's moon Enceladus would appear to be a lifeless ball of ice, but the Cassini probe has shown us that this tiny moon, (Enceladus would fit comfortably into an area on Earth the size of Texas), actually generates it's own heat. The unexpectedly high temperatures measured were an anathema to the scientists making the observations, and appear inconsistent with calculations based on solar energy received. Bovine flatulence is believed to be the cause.

Triton
According to observations made by NASA's Hubble Space Telescope and several ground-based instruments, temperatures on Triton, Neptune's largest moon, have increased dramatically since the Voyager space probe swung by in 1989. So much so, in fact, that Triton's surface of frozen nitrogen is turning into gas, making its thin atmosphere denser by the day. Greenpeace is organizing demonstrations and petitioning Congress for "Triton Day" in an attempt to get the Tritonians to move toward greener sources of energy before it's too late.

Mars
NASA agents say that frozen carbon dioxide deposits near the planet's south pole have shrunk for three summers in a row, and that this is evidence that climate change on the red planet is in progress. However, Xmgurg, a Martian local, says Earthlings are to blame.

"This didn't happen until those Earth people came and started driving their robot cars all over the place. Damned illegal aliens just don't have any respect for other people's property!"

Many other Martians echoed Xmgurg's sentiments. Plainly Ranting later discovered that the Spirit landing crushed several Martians to death during it's rough and tumble deployment, Xmgurg's wife and three maggots among them. Official property damage reports and death tolls remained undisclosed as we went to press, however unofficial estimates of the destruction range in the millions of dollars. Recent problems with the spacecraft and it's operation have been attributed to the unsightly buildup of guts and antennae acquired during landing. No formal charges have yet been filed, although insurance claims are still pending. The Martian Sovereignty Alliance accuses NASA of gross negligence, drunk piloting and casual disregard for Martian life. NASA claims the speed limit at Gusev Crater was not posted.

Pluto
The most far-flung planet in the solar system, Pluto, is undergoing change as well. With it's atmospheric pressure having tripled in the last 14 years and the average surface temperature having increased about 3.5° Fahrenheit, NASA spokesmen were quoted as saying "damned if we know", when asked why.

The Illusion Of Self-Importance

The only consistent thing about all these items is that nobody seems to know the cause. Of course, this is not true of our own planet. Or is it? Left-wing scientists will tell you, (while rolling their eyes), that it is unethical to suggest global warming is a result of natural processes. They insist rising temperatures are nothing more than the wages of our sin; a Pandora's Box, an Unconquerable Doom, and deserving only to be laid at the feet of man: all in the spirit of the book of Revalation.

Well, Catch 22 comes to mind, too. The Sun contains over 99.8% of the mass of our solar system, and it's energy output is 386 billion, billion megawatts, (That's 3.86 x 10^32 for you physics types), every second. Every single second of every single day our Sun converts 700 million tons of Hydrogen into 695 million tons of Helium, with the differing mass of 5 million tons being transformed into radiation. How pompous must you be to believe that man can eclipse in power the might of a star? How arrogant do you have to be to believe that some plastic bags and aluminum cans are going to harm something the size of a planet? Earth has seen worse than us. A lot worse. Cometary impacts, meteoric impacts, ice-ages, volcanic eruptions the size of entire continents, total freezes, global fires...

And our cars are going to be the thing that makes life unlivable? Oh please. Am I the only one who thinks it funny that Freon, once used in refrigeration, was found to destroy ozone in the laboratory just a few years before 3M's patent on it ran out? And is it not even funnier that 3M just miraculously happened to have a 'safe' replacement for it developed that would work in existing refrigeration technology in time for it's legislated phase-out?

Global warming is happening everywhere in the solar system. That fact is clear. We are not the cause. If you want to have something to blame, try pointing your finger at the big ball of fire in the sky. The sun's output is at a high point of a trend that has been ongoing for a century or more according to Richard Willson, a Columbia University researcher affiliated with NASA's Goddard Institute for Space Studies.

There are those that claim this theory is wrong, and that humans are to blame. They say we have "impacted", (that's "affected" to you and me, but impacted sounds more violent so they say that to sound pretentious and important.), the climate with blah blah blah and now we're getting longer summers and milder winters.

All this is fine if you pull things out of your ass and tweak your predictions on the fly to match what you've already seen. Changing your story about what you've always held to earns you extra points that you can cash in with me for a free kick in the nuts. However, that's not the way science works. You make a prediction based on the data, not generate data based on what essentially amounts to making bets on last week's baseball game. I'm sure we would like to believe that we have more influence on Earth, nay, even in our solar system than the Sun does. That's what the environmentalists are claiming. To these special people I would like to share this bit of wisdom: You may tout our magnificent accomplishments of science and our resulting obligation to shepherd our climate, but never believe it. Next to the power of a star, all our efforts are meager, impotent curiosities. Stop trying to scare people.

Just The Facts, Ma'am

So let's see what facts we have. Put everything on the table and sort the wheat from the chaff.

1) Human beings only live on Earth in this solar system.

2) As far as we know, human beings are the only form of intelligent life capable of civilization in this solar system.

3) Global warming is occurring on several different worlds in this solar system.

4) According to item one, human beings cannot possibly be responsible for anything other than Earth.

5) There is money to be made in stirring up paranoia.

6) The sun directly drives the weather patterns on Earth, and is sufficient to heat an object as far away as Saturn at 890 million miles, (possibly farther).

7) The sun is on a solar cycle of energy output of about 11 years.

8) Changes in this solar cycle are known to cause short term climate change on Earth. At solar maximum, Earth's thin upper atmosphere can see a doubling in temperature, and denser air can puff up to the region of space where the International Space Station orbits, causing increased drag on the station and forcing more frequent boosts from shuttles. to keep it aloft. Skylab, the original space station, was downed by this phenomenon.

10) The sun's energy output is at an over 1000 year high.

11) The sun has been shining at this heightened level of intensity for the last 60 years.

12) Scientific method says that a theory is only valid if it matches observations and makes predictions in line with observed data.

13) Scientists can not explain the data they see on other planets according to their present models.

14) Scientific method says these theories must be incorrect.

15) These same theories are the exact ones used to explain global warming here on Earth.

16) All the planets have a higher temperature than solar radiation alone can account for.

17) Ergo, the method of measure is uniformly wrong and a vital piece is missing.

18) Scientists get their grant money for research through private institutions and government disbursal.

19) It is in the scientists best interests to say what he is expected to say, and do the work he is expected to do without rocking the boat, or he'll lose his funding.

20) There is no number 9.

Conclusion

Put it all together and you have the vocal minority trying to fuck the ignorant majority out of money yet again. I know we've got a 'green' initiative to move to Hydrogen fuel and cleaner sources of energy, but I bet it won't happen until Big Oil and a few politicians on their payroll get a cut. (Are you wondering what "Green" means yet?) Global warming is a purely natural phenomenon as evidenced by core samples taken in Antarctica, and a few other places around the world from tens of thousands of years ago before human beings ever tamed fire.

Speaking of primitive human practices, doesn't this whole thing remind you of the "We need to throw a virgin in the volcano to appease the gods" mentality? Or how about "God Damn it Galileo THE EARTH IS THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE, I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SEE! You're out of the Church!".

How wonderfully self-important, arrogant, short-sighted and wrong. The sky is falling, all right; Chicken Little would be proud.

2006-05-13T13:08:00.000-05:00

Don't Listen To Me

Pay me no attention, for I can only get you in trouble. My advice is without merit and my opinions are wrong. Only a fool, lame of mind, would ever give my ramblings any credit.

I think illegal immigration is a problem, although no one else does. If the current legislation granting amnesty to illegal immigrants passes, we'll no longer be a nation under the law, but rather a nation under mob rule. But as I've said, I don't know what I'm talking about. Pay me no heed.

I believe children should be taken off these medicinal cocktails and be disciplined instead, because controlling the population through drugs is a dystopian ideal straight out of books such as "1984", "Fahrenheit 451", "Brave New World", and "We". But since everyone tells me that I'm wrong, I guess they must be right. Clearly something is wrong with me. Why would I want to be an Alpha anyway?

I say we're getting fucked by the oil industry when they report the largest profit of all time for a single fiscal year, (and the 4th largest ever for last quarter), and coincidentally raise gasoline prices to the highest they've ever been. This is to say nothing of giving a multi-million dollar retirement package to one of their CEO's. But I'm just an ignorant rube from a small town with no college education, and am not privy to the council of the mighty. What would I know about such matters?

I submit to you that television programming is a waste of money, when all that's on is crap like soap operas, American Idol and Lost. Educational programming is a relic from a bygone era, and I mourn it's passing. Yet what would you expect from someone so backward and ignorant; someone so blatantly lacking in sophistication? People like me need educational programming. I'm sure it's obvious that I am plainly envious of all those who do have cable programming in their homes, and that I simply can't afford it. So much like the fox in Aesop's fable, I am merely rationalizing my failure to achieve a desired result. Sour grapes indeed.

I want to share with you that I suffer from crippling apathy. I do not healthily chase after nor keep up with the lives of celebrities. I have no idea who Britney Spears is married to, or how many kids she has. I can't tell you who the latest teen idol is, what the lyrics are to any Eminem song, or the first names of the judges on American Idol. I know more about my neighbors than I do about fictional characters and superstars that I'll never meet. Michael Jackson doesn't interest me in the slightest. I am obviously mentally ill.

I am forced to hang my head in shame when I say that I am a straight, white male. I just don't know what's wrong with me. I am not sexually aroused by the sight of naked men, and I am not in touch with my feelings. I've never kissed a boy or even held his hand. I do not have a queer eye. As you can see, I am clearly emotionally unstable and very, very repressed. Is incoherent babble from a guy like me what you want poisoning your mind?

Further, I am hideously overweight at 270 pounds. My skeleton is not visible through my tightly stretched skin, and I attempt to keep any food I've eaten down until I've digested it. I have the gall to wake up of a morning and not feel like I have the flu because I've killed myself with exercise at the gym the day before and I'm starving myself by only taking in 1500 calories a day. Obviously I am a bad role model.

Worst of all, I am an omnivore. I shamelessly consume red meat, tubers, soda, processed foods and white bread along with the occasional green things. I'm not on a trendy diet such as The Mediterranean Diet, The South Beach Diet, Atkins, or Weight Watchers. I am in need of help. Emulating my lifestyle will surely clog your arteries and kill you.

I am clearly a backwards, narrow-minded creature who never really had a chance in life. Don't listen to what I have to say. Pay me no attention, for I can only get you in trouble. My advice is without merit and my opinions are wrong. Only a fool, lame of mind, would ever give my ramblings any credit.

2006-05-08T08:12:00.000-05:00

The Archives

Greetings all, and welcome to the archives. These are the first posts ever published at Plainly Ranting; the ones that started it all! Thanks to you, loyal readers, your favorite gripe site continues to grow. Tell your friends. Tell your enemies. Hell, tell complete strangers!

2nd Half 2005 Archive

2006-05-08T08:05:00.000-05:00

2005 Post Archives

The 2005 Archive

Arrest Santa!

Are You Here Illegally? Go The Fuck Home!

Things I've Learned About Women

Idle Thoughts

I Hate Your Cat

Stop Fucking Up English!

Can We Deport Kanye West?

You Should Watch My Language

Men Are Hornier Than Women: An Essay.

Let's Have People Season!

Are You 15 Years Old? You Might Need The Shit Beaten Out Of You.

More Online Bullshit

Are You Racist? Then You Should Support the United Negro College Fund!

Pro Wrestling Sucks

I Hate Clerks

2006-05-07T07:40:00.000-05:00

It Came From Thoughts!

The problem with marriage isn't that you're committed to one person from now on, the problem is the mathematics involved. Statistically 100% of all marriages end in either death or divorce.

It seems to me that counterfeiting money by hand shouldn't really be a crime. I think that if you can forge a bill freehand accurately enough so that it passes for a real one, then as far as I'm concerned you've made money and you deserve to be able to spend it. Come on, counterfeiting is a lot of work! And why do we work? To make money. Counterfeiting is the act of making money. Ergo, counterfieting = work. See? Case closed.

If Barbie is supposed to be so popular, why do you have to buy friends for her? Shouldn't they just come with the doll?

On one hand, I find it interesting that Wal-Mart stores don't sell toy guns anymore, but the sporting goods section sells real ones. On the other, I find it disturbing that the sporting goods section is located right next to the toy aisle.

Why is necrophelia illegal? It really is a victimless crime; totally disgusting, but victimless.

If a diamond is forever, why do they want you to keep buying more of them?

There is no feeling of satisfaction in the world greater than witnessing someone you hate make a costly and stupid mistake.

Two words: Goat Porn.

Brain surgery is really simple.
Step 1: Make hole
Step 2: Whittle

Did you ever wonder what kind of spider makes cobwebs? Research has shown me that it's a little yellow guy known as a "Corn" spider, and in medieval times folks used to bring it to people's attention by saying "Look at the little corn on the cobwebs." But they were British and their thinking doesn't always make sense. The indians used to call it the "Maize" spider.

Melena is defined by the Online Medical Dictionary as: "stools stained black by blood pigment or dark blood products". This is often indicative of gastrointestinal haemorrhage, for example as a result of a peptic ulcer, whereas bleeding from the lower bowel usually results in a brighter red discharge as the haemoglobin in the blood does not have time to oxidise before being expelled. Similarly, semen in the stool is usually a primary indicator that the patient is a complete and utter homosexual.

Whose job is it to make sure the fries at McDonald's are always cold and rubbery?

Here's a thought experiment for you that shows how fucked up we are. Say that you have a rowboat made of wood. You keep it and use it for a long while, and as time goes it's way, eventually the boards that it is made of are damaged and need to be replaced. As you make the repairs, you save the old wood, never throwing it away. Eventually, you'll wind up replacing every single plank, right? So... what if you go back and reassemble the original wood back into a boat again? Which boat is the original?

In China, what wine goes with dog?

More definitions!

Gelobareliapophobia: The fear of laughing your ass off.

Paradox: 1) Two parallel locations to moor your boat. 2) Twin surgeons.

Decapitation: The act or instance of having one's head chopped off.

Decrapitation: Similar to decapitation, but, ...butt.

It's fairly common knowlege that the indians used to say that a person who lied "speaks with forked tongue", but what isn't as widely known is that they said a woman who cheated on her husband "fucks with two-holed cunt".

Why don't they have three-ply toilet paper?

I think we need at least one meat-flavored breakfast cereal.

When you're driving down a street with a center stripe, and you see a manhole cover that someone has recently done maintainance on, do you get annoyed if the stripe on the manhole cover isn't lining up with the one on the road anymore?

I don't understand why guys prize virgins. I mean, come on... they don't even know how to fuck yet. Give me a loose, well-ridden slut that'll swallow cum over a confused, uptight 18 year old cherry any day. Preferably on Wednesday. That's when I can use the relaxation. Hey, why do you think they call it "hump day"?

2006-04-30T23:52:00.000-05:00

Beat Your Kids!

You Damn Kid! ©1999 - 2006 Owen Dunne. Image used with permission. All rights reserved.

When I was growing up, I got my ass beaten pretty much whenever I fucked up. Not once, not twice either, but multiple times during the course of a day. I got beaten for the things that I did, I got beaten for some of the things I didn't do, I got beaten for some of the things I thought about doing, and sometimes I was even beaten for things that I just looked guilty of. When I had my ass torn loose and it eventually came to light that I wasn't actually guilty after all, I never got an apology. I got, "That's for the shit you did that I didn't find out about."

My parents were tough. My folks didn't have any Ritalin, they had something I call "Nositagin"; about three or four black leather belts hanging on display from a planter hook in the living room, and by God they used them. (For the record, I've been informed that they would've used razor straps, but do you have any idea how hard those are to find?) My mother was like Indiana Jones with a whip when it came to these belts. Some mothers threw shoes, but mine preferred a more direct hands-on approach. My dad? He was the last person you wanted to piss off enough to let you have it. It was always three whacks across the bare ass with one of those attitude adjustment wrenches and I had to count them out. Were I foolish enough to place my hands in the way between whacks and take one on the knuckles, that one just didn't count.

My ass had the consistency and texture of leather for most of my childhood.

Back then, it was understood that you listened to and obeyed your parents or there was hell to pay. And this wasn't just me. There were ass beatings all over my neighborhood. It was common to hear a kid being beaten two houses away. Life was simple.

Modern parents have become so spineless that they allow their children to dictate terms to them and it makes me sick. They threaten to call the police or some children's hotline when they don't get their way, and God forbid that you administer an ass beating to someone else's child, or even your own! I know a woman, whom I shall call Miss Goodpussy, (as she has been known to fuck her boss from time to time for better treatment), that is so 'progressive' that not only will she refuse to allow and take legal action against someone punishing her kids in any way, but she doesn't raise a hand to them. She's a "time out" mommy. The kind that won't do anything but make the child go to their room for an hour. The kind that believes that she has a better way. The kind that will be wondering why her children are beating her when they're 14.

I wonder if she's figured out why her son says "Fuck you bitch!" whenever she asks him to do something.

I'd like to tell you a story from my childhood. It's a good story, and it shows you what a little discipline can do. Take notes.

When I was younger, I lived in what is known as a "box house". For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a house without any studs like in modern construction. The walls are literally made like crates with 4x4's at the corners and butted slats between on both sides. Kind of like a double-sided picket fence without gaps. Sheetrock is hung over the interior walls to give a nice appearance, with lap siding on the exterior. It's warm, but not very chic. Sound also carries well within this type of construction. My bedroom shared an entire wall with my parent's room, and if someone farted, anyone in the other room could hear it. Once, I had a friend come to spend the night. We were kids and it was late and my parents had absolutely no patience with anything but instant compliance. When you mix all of those together, no good can come of it.

Anyhow, it was late. In fact, everyone was supposed to be in bed asleep. We were supposed to. Yeah. You know how that went over, don't you? Kind of like a turd in a diving suit. My friend and I were talking, and we got more than a little loud. Jokes back and forth, snickering, giggling, and at times outright belly laughs were among the offenses we committed. In hindsight, I should've known that I was doomed from the outset, but I was oblivious to what was to come.

They did give us a warning, which I suppose was rather sporting of them, but we just toned everything down to whispers for about five minutes before the circus started all over again. I had the dim inkling at this point that I was about to be pureed, but for some reason it wouldn't take hold and produce the desired response of absolute silence that my parents were looking for.

I swear to you by everything that is holy that we honestly tried to be quiet. We really did. But there's just something about the topic of dog farts that does things to the ten year old male psyche. Somehow the intoxicating combination of mental imagery, anthropomorphic flatulence and a Bronx Cheer causes what is known as an autonomic response, and results in peals of ungirdled mirth and laughter.

We heard feet hit the floor, and a good deal of swearing.

"God dammit! THAT... IS... IT!"

Now when you know a beating is eminent, and you're ten, you do what we did. You cover your head with the comforter and play dead. It was our wild hope that my mother would come in to see us obviously sound asleep, and quietly go back to bed thinking she must be imagining things.

Kids sure are stupid.

The next thing I knew there was light all around me and the sounds of a pissed off Irish woman tromping through my room like a bull in a china shop. I guessed correctly that she was armed, but I wasn't aware with what.

My mother's first blow was a surgical strike with a godammed paddle that she had somehow acquired without my knowledge. I don't know where she got it. And so help me God if I ever find the bastard that gave it to her, splints, whole blood and staples will be in order.

You know, I don't think my mom ever had any training with a paddle, because she didn't follow any of the conventions of the era regarding their use in institutions such as schools. To start with, she didn't understand why there were only three licks at a time. What if you're not done after three? What if it was, say, a four or five blow offense? Also, she didn't understand why you only struck the ass. Nonsense that. You struck wherever there was something sticking out. If that happened to be the ass, then so be it. Otherwise, "that's what you get for not standing still". Lastly, my mom never grasped the concept of why you always struck with the flat side. But after all this time, I think I finally know the truth. My mother fought crime as a vigilante swordswoman with a whip for backup.

It came down sharply, edge first, right on my motherfucking shins. I came up sharply, like a mousetrap on which you'd just flipped the catch. It was then I realized that mom had apparently taken tennis lessons as well, as she executed a magnificent backhand to my forehead with the flat of her mighty wooden blade. After that, she pretty much just started hitting lumps.

Somewhere in the middle of all this, my mom landed an errant blow and hit my friend, who was playing dead for all he was worth. Just between you and me, if he had any sense whatsoever, he'd have just shut the fuck up and pretend it all never happened.

He didn't.

This schmuck, in a bright, shining, quintessential example of distilled retardation, sits straight up in the middle of the ass beating and does the unthinkable. He pops off to my mom. MY mom! That's not stupid, that's just suicidal.

"Hey! YOU can't hit ME!"

It really was kind of inspiring there for a second now that I think of it. It was like David and Goliath, like Tom and Jerry, like Sonny Bono and that tree... My friend was trying to earn the posthumous children's medal of valor. Eyes aflame, childhood angst radiating from his every pore, his bottom lip thrust forward in defiance... he was truly an inspiration.

It was a short-lived spectacle.

My mother stood there for a whole two seconds with a look on her face that I can only describe as violently amused. Chin down, eyes wide but rapidly narrowing, her paddle-blade striking true once more, she uttered the words that I have never forgotten to this day.

"I see I cain't."

She then commenced to beat the hell out of him right there on the mattress.

I should've been quiet, I know I should've. But the whole thing made me laugh. I just couldn't help it. Unfortunately for me, this only served to get swordzilla's attention back on target number one.

After it was all over and we were in that state of childhood sobbing that interferes with breathing, the kind that makes you snort and hiccup as you nurse your wounds; my mother, triumphant, exited the room with the phrase, "If you make me get up again I'll come in here and beat your ass off!".

There's nothing like adding insult to injury.

My friend was still indignant, so he promised that by God he'd tell his dad the next day and then there'd be hell to pay. She'd learn, my mother, that he was not a child to be trifled with! Unfortunately for him, his dad didn't take any shit from kids either. Right after he left to go home, my mom was on the phone with his dad. In a display of community unheard of today, my mom spelled out in detail what had happened the night before, and flatly admitted to beating the living shit out of his son for mouthing off and disobeying. Do you know what he said to that?

"Why, thank you."

You might think in the current PC climate that this story speaks of unimaginable cruelty and abuse. I can understand why you would see it this way, but that's just because you've been brainwashed by New Age psychobabble. We weren't hospitalized, we were disciplined. Just because we had the occasional red marks on our asses and an odd bruise or two when we wiggled the wrong way, that doesn't mean we were abused. What's more, despite all this, we turned out just fine. Do you think for a second that Miss Goodpussy above would thank someone for correcting her kid? Why hell no! There'd be litigation, police, child endangerment lawsuits and who knows what else! She epitomizes that which is wrong with children and their rearing today. She's a first-rate, politically correct, shallow, trendy cunt.

Believe me when I tell you that there will be a reckoning. Your kids that you're letting run wild are going to be in charge one day. They're going to decide what happens to you when you get old, and they'll also be the ones who choose your nursing home. I put my parents in a nice residential center because I was afraid my dad would come and kick my ass if I didn't. I respect my parents, but Miss Goodpussy's won't do her any such favor; and neither will millions of other fragile co-dependant brats who were never taught that their ass isn't above a tanning.

I grew up to be tough. So did my friend in the above story. In fact, all my friends have had their asses blistered at one point for fucking up in some way or another, but we're a dying breed.

The child in the opening cartoon is a wonderful example of what goes afoul when parents aren't strong. "Yeah," you say. "What the fuck would YOU do about it if your kid did that, wise ass?" Well, were one of my kids this crazy, I'd hand her the phone and tell her to make that call. "Go ahead," I'd say. "Call the cops. But know this: It's going to take them a good half-hour to get here, and in that time, you'll get the beating of your god damned life. It's not right to lie to the police."

Then I'd slap her fucking lips off every time she hit a button. Fear is a great parenting tool.

And another thing, STOP TREATING YOUR KIDS LIKE THEY'RE YOUR FRIENDS. They're not little adults, they're kids. They will take advantage of you every single chance they get, and if you don't assert your authority, they'll assert the authority you give them.

So be tough, grow a set of nuts and beat your children. Time-outs are for pussies.

2006-04-24T01:46:00.000-05:00

Slick Bastards

Due to recent truth-in-advertising laws, Exxon Corporation announced this new logo. Besides, what are you gonna do about it, huh, tough guy?

I remember a long time back when gasoline was a paltry 89 cents per gallon. $15 would completely fill my tank and buy a coke to drink as I went about emptying it. Then prices rose, rose, and rose some more. Even when gasoline prices hit a dollar per gallon, (or .99 9/10ths... more on that later), I didn't think it was all that bad. Unfortunately, I've noticed a trend.

Gas prices, when they rise, do so by ridiculous amounts. Usually around a quarter a week during spikes, although if you have anything like short-term memory, you'll recall that it got a good deal more vigorous than that. (I know you're wondering where I'm going with this. Be patient.)

I suppose that the oil companies think that you're pretty stupid. They probably think you had to take remedial fingerpainting in junior high before you dropped out. I'd like to stand up and say, on the record, that they're 100% right.

You people are completely fucking retarded.

Remember when gas prices jumped during the first Gulf War? I don't mean they gradually increased as the conflict played out, I mean they jumped fifty cents a godammed gallon the day after we began bombing Iraq. What did you do? You whined, you bitched, but the one thing you didn't do was think. "These oil people are robbing us blind!" you all said. Your voices were heard by Big Oil, and they took action. What did they do? They raised prices again! And you kept on buying it. Oh how I wish I could abuse your stupidity for monetary gain!

So now if you're capable of following a train of thought, you'll remember that puts gasoline at about $1.79 9/10ths per gallon at this point. Eventually, after they thought that you'd sweated enough, but not before noting that you'd pay that price, they lowered things down to a mere $1.29 9/10ths per gallon.

And you mental defectives cheered that prices were so low.

I know that basic mathematics is wasted on those with double digit I.Q.'s. I know that. Nevertheless, I must point out that the net increase per gallon of gas was still thirty cents at the pump.

And so it went 'round the clock for years. A large jump, bitch bitch bitch, moderate cutback, gas prices rise. Stiff the retards, get 'em all worked up, then make them think they're getting a deal and suddenly everyone is grateful for such cheap gas. You'd think that people would catch on to this little plan of theirs, but when you're dealing with the mentally defective, it's easy to sucker them out of money.

Isn't it?

So here we are in 2006. There's a brand new Gulf War going on, gasoline hit $3.00 per gallon nationwide, and Big Oil just reported the largest profit for a fiscal year ever. I don't mean their largest profit ever, I mean THE largest profit ever. It's an outrage, isn't it? I predicted that prices would hit this level, and then there would be a cutback to $2.50 per gallon and everyone would be grateful for such cheap gas. And you know something? I was right. Not because I have inside information on the oil industry, not because I have the ability to see into the future either. It's because stupid people are very predictable and passive. You take things lying down because you're too chicken shit to stand up for yourselves, and nobody, so far as I know, has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the masses. (hint: That's you.)

Now prices have jumped in excess of $3.00 per gallon, and I predict they'll see $3.30 9/10ths before they slide again. When they do, they'll hover around 2.79 9/10ths and you'll all talk about how cheap gas is. It's a wonder more of you don't shit yourselves in public.

By the way, do you know why they charge 9/10ths of a cent on every gallon sold? I know it's a tax, yes, but do you know why? Why not just round it off and make an extra 1/10th of a cent?

Again, because you're stupid. $2.79.9 reads to you mouth breathers as Two Dollars and Seventy Cents, not as $2.80. If they advertised it like that and didn't take your mental midgetry into account, they'd sell less gas because you wouldn't want to pay the extra ten cents.

They've gotcha. They know they've gotcha, and they know that you're too dumb, too submissive, and just plain old too well-trained to do more than make noise. You'll never take action. You just accept what life throws at you. Now off you go to that factory! There's parts to be made... parts that require oil. And don't worry about all the stuff on your check stub. It's too complicated for you to understand, and you wouldn't do anything about it even if you could, anyway. Besides, shouldn't you be working? Isn't that what you get paid for?

(I tell you, reading between the lines is a lost art.)

2006-04-16T22:41:00.000-05:00

A.D.D. my A.S.S.

Ritalin, the babysitter in a bottle!

Is your child afflicted with the horrible disease known as Attention Deficit Disorder? Do you have a loved one suffering with A.D.H.D.? They're major problems with today's children. Kids just can't seem to pay attention or settle down and not act like kids. But now there's help, and hope.

Have you considered harmless medicine like Ritalin, Strattera, Adderall, Concerta and a whole cocktail of other powerful psychotropic drugs to stone your kid out of his mind? Wouldn't you like the peace of mind that comes from having a depressed, quiet child in your home? Of course you'd like that. We all would. Because it's better to have a quiet child than a healthy one.

Far too many kids today act like little children with their constant running hither and yon, screaming and yelling and playing! If your kids act this way, there's something wrong with them, but remember that it's not your fault. Your child is merely a victim of a chemical imbalance, and you are a victim by extension.

We, the pharmaceuticals companies of America are here to help. We've developed medication for this terrible affliction that will bring your young one's personality in line with that of 1950's era sitcom child stars. He may well be a drooling, crayola-chewing idiot, but he'll be passive and non-destructive. In the end, isn't that what you really want for yourse... uh... your children?

Some kids react in a negative manner when it comes to taking our holistic medicines. If your child for some reason refuses to take his or her medication, remind them that it's for their own good. Remind them that they have a serious psychological disorder and that they aren't right in the head. Remind them that while they are chronologically disadvantaged, these drugs are necessary to warp their psyche into that of a normal, healthy adult, and that the sooner they can appreciate the mellow, the happier they'll be.

Now there are a few minor side effects of these medications, but they're not so bad, and many of them even negate one another. The side effects are:

Tics
Hypertension (high blood pressure)
Slowing of the growth rate
Increased risk of heart attack and stroke
Emotional oversensitivity, crying easily
Headaches
Irritability
Anorexia (loss of appetite)
Poor appetite and weight loss
Abdominal pain
Dizziness
Fatigue
Mood swings
Nausea and vomiting
Tachycardia (rapid heartbeat)
Hypotension (low blood pressure)
Constipation
Diarrhea
Dry mouth
Drowsiness

BUT THEY'RE NOT HYPER! (and it's not you, so go ahead and catch up on that nap.) The Hypertension and Hypotension will cancel each other out anyway, as do the loss of appetite and nausea. The diarrhea balances out the constipation in the long run, as do the tics and drowsiness. This is not to forget the balance struck by the "Oversensitivity/Irritability/Mood Swing" trifecta. And we all know in the sensitive new millennium that a good cry can be therapeutic. See? Things aren't as bad as those few regressive parents say. Besides, having a disorder and being medicated for it is trendy!

But at least you don't have to actually raise the kid! And just think of how much easier it is to be able to do meth when your kid is just as twitchy as you are! Never fear that your child won't be raised, though. Madison Avenue and Hollywood will take care of that for you. It takes a village to raise a child, especially one with a pharmacy. That stuff about two parents rearing their offspring is a bunch of patriarchal bullshit designed to keep women subservient.

Or something...

That's it. I'm done with bleeding sarcasm. Does anybody but me see something wrong with the above line of thinking? All the kids I know, and I mean ALL the kids I know, are supposed to have some psychological abnormality that requires the use of heavyweight drugs. Lots of them.

Never fear, however. When life hands you a problem too big to handle, you can count on me to be there with my typically sage advice to help you through your day. In that spirit, this is the ONLY safe, drug-free program able to help your children cope with their disorder.

Beat the living shit out of them.

Put the fucking fear of God into the little hellion and stand up to this son-of-a-bitch-in-training. Remember, YOU are the parent, while THEY are the easily replicable offspring. Stop drugging your kid and start slugging him. Smack him across the house a few times when he acts up. He doesn't need medication, he needs corporal punishment and full-time parenting.

As I said, there are numerous drugs prescribed to children to keep them from bouncing off the walls, and for you, loyal readers, I did a little research on this subject and I found a very interesting quote:

These drugs increase the levels of the neurotransmitters dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin. Higher levels of dopamine are thought to reduce hyperactivity, while an increase in norepinephrine improves attention. The effects of low serotonin levels in children with ADHD are not fully understood.

Well that's pretty damned vague, isn't it?!? "We don't really know what the fuck we're talking about, but your kid should take these Flintstones Chewable Quaaludes because then you don't have to pay as much attention to them anymore. Besides, they're just kids, right?"

Another quote:

"When discontinuing these drugs, the dosage is tapered slowly. Abrupt discontinuation can lead to headache, agitation, and elevated pulse rate and blood pressure."

That's the same method used to break a cocaine addiction.

Harmless? I think not.

2006-04-09T10:51:00.000-05:00

An Open Letter To The Bail-Bondsmen Of America

This is an actual bondsman logo. I can't satirize this because it proves my point for me. Original image copyright of Bad Boy Bail Bonds, Raleigh, N.C. Used without permission under "Fair Use" provisions of the Copyright Act of 1976. All rights reserved. Besides, you fuckers are getting free advertising. Quit bitching.

Dear Bondsmen,

The United States legal system is interesting. I learned long ago that it's not about what you did or didn't do, it's about what you can prove. In this country, you have prostitutes and pimps who spread disease for cash, you have drug dealers who make their fortune by ruining other people's lives for cash, and you have greasy lawyers who defend pure trash in the courtroom for cash. The almighty dollar seems to be a prime mover here. However, there is a class of slime worse than all the others combined. They make the act of arresting criminals pointless because if they, (the criminals), are well off enough, they can walk free.

They are known as Bail-Bondsmen.

I am writing today to express my concerns and opinions regarding your business practices. In short, I hate you all and think that you should feel ashamed to show your face in public. You provide services purely to the criminal element of society, even freeing them temporarily when they should well be held in confinement, and you do so for a fee. Your job is akin to loansharking. In fact, I see very little difference. If a person rapes a ten year old girl, you come running to the jailhouse with a fistful of cash to bond the asshole out for a 10% profit. All the while you somehow manage to delude yourself into thinking that you're providing a grand service to society. You are a cancer; a festering wound upon society, and I pray for the day that you will be excised. I lump you with prostitutes and drug dealers for spreading misery for cash. You are scum. Your bread and butter is trafficking in human suffering, and you should all be imprisoned. You do not deserve and you shall not receive my respect.

Laws in this country were written for a reason. If you follow and obey these laws, society works like a well oiled machine. When you don't follow them, people suffer. The system is supposed to encourage cooperation and penalize cheating. If you can't follow the rules, you don't get to play. So I ask you, what is the point of arresting a criminal if you're merely going to turn them loose again on bond? What the fuck is the point of putting someone in jail if one of you sons of bitches is just going to spring them twenty minutes later? Why don't we just send them to their goddammed rooms without supper until the court date?

Moreover, why can you and you alone access loan money at banks outside of normal hours of business for the purpose of freeing a suspect? What have you done to be able to secure the cooperation of judges and entire townships just to fleece suspects out of their money for temporary freedom after committing their crimes? Why can you get away with these acts of loansharking that would land anyone else in prison?

Because nobody is interested in justice, that's why; they just want money. You do know the definition of a person who will do vile and contemptible things for money, don't you? They're called whores. That's right, I said it: you're all a bunch of disease spreading whores. But the disease you spread isn't to a person, it's to society as a whole.

Let me close by telling you that I don't care in the slightest what you think of me, and should I ever be incarcerated for some reason, I will not come running to one of you for temporary liberty until my date in court. I would pay my debt to society for what I had done, and I would play by the rules. I am aware that this manner of thinking is totally alien to you, and makes absolutely no sense to choose to rot in jail when I could be out raping more children, but this is because I'm a man of principle and dignity, while you are all money grubbing scumfucks.

I await your response in this matter with great anticipation.

Sincerely,

Mr. Alan Wortman, Concerned Citizen

2006-04-01T07:22:00.000-06:00

Thoughts! Returns

Why do we say that something is as "funny as Hell"? I always thought that Hell wasn't supposed to be funny at all. In fact, it was supposed to be a place that was as far from funny as you can get. Now that I think of it, Heaven was supposed to be as far from Hell as you can get too. How is that possible? Are they different places? Do we have a Heaven, a Hell, and a Funny? Maybe we could say something was as funny as Heaven if they're the same place. But I think if I was given a choice between going to Heaven, Hell, and Funny, I'd probably pick Funny. It sounds like it'd be more entertaining.

Stalkers are just friends waiting to happen.

You can't judge a book by it's cover? Who says so? Often the information about the author and a synopsis of the book can be found on the dust jacket, which is indeed the cover. It should also be noted that just looking at the condition of the cover is enough to indicate whether or not a borrowed book from the library has been read a lot. To me, that's the mark of a good book. Furthermore, books that do really well and make the best-seller list generally have that information on the cover too. I'd say it's quite easy to judge a book by it's cover. I don't understand how this one ever got started.

Why does Phillip Morris have an anti-smoking campaign?

Whenever I see a package in the grocery store that says "Cured Ham", I sometimes wonder what it was cured of. Really, when you think of it, the ham must not have been cured of anything serious, because I'd lay even money that it's still quite dead.

Have you ever noticed that there are no sports played in the nude?

All I ask for is three sets of 18 year old female twins, blonde, brunette, and redhead, three quarts of strawberries, five gallons of cool whip, a magnum of champaigne, a waterbed, a million dollars, a five gallon bucket of viagra, two cases of condoms, and my own private state. Is that so wrong? Actually yes it is. The twins should be 21 so I don't have to leave the house to buy beer.

When they say something is "The Whole Ball of Wax", what ball of wax are they talking about? Is there really a large ball of wax somewhere? Where is it? Who made this ball of wax? How? And what desperate straits drove them to make it in the first place? Do people put great value on balls of wax? I'm sure male wax mannequins do, but given a choice I'll bet they'd want real ones.

Why do some brands of bottled water have a list of ingredients printed on the side?

Once I was given a fifty question true or false test in school. Since it was true or false, I didn't study because I reasoned that even if I just guessed, I had a fifty-fifty chance of getting the answers right. I made a fifty.

It's not the ups and downs in life that'll get to you. It's the jerks.

Am I the only one who thinks it odd that there is such a thing in this country as a fertilizer industry? You can go to your local Wal-Mart garden center and buy 50 pound bags of shit. They call it compost, but it's shit with a few twigs and dead leaves mixed in. I wonder what type of person can justify buying in bulk something that you'd pay a plumber anything he asked to make go away.

Diabetics are really sweet people.

Snapple labels have the most annoying tagline in the world. They call their products "Juice Drinks". Well no shit. What else are you going to do with juice? Make suppositories? Or how about juice inhalers? Maybe you can have juice garglers. You don't swallow them, you just rinse and spit. Slobber your way to good health!

I think whimsy is much more interesting and fun than fantasy. Give me a fiddle-playing cat over an elf any day.

2006-03-27T01:05:00.000-06:00

Top Ten My Ass

Because in the grand scheme of things, you count for very, very little.

I am sick to death of fucking lists. Especially 'top ten' lists. They're everywhere. "Top ten ways to pick up hot chicks" "Top ten things David Letterman babbled about last night" "Ten common household items you can use to pry your head out of your ass". The list goes on.

Why do we need a "top ten" list of anything? And if we do, why should we accept that whoever is making these things up is some kind of fucking authority on the subject at hand? In fact, popularity lists in general piss me off because they assume that you, being a complete fucking moron, are incapable of deciding on your own what is cool. And since they, who are among the few people in the entire god damned universe to recognize what is and isn't worthwhile, they feel an obligation to point it out to retarded sons of bitches like you.

That may be fine for you mindless cattle out there who live and die for stupid bullshit on television like American Idol and Lost. Maybe you like having other people that you've never even met do your thinking for you.

Not me.

I would like to congratulate you special people for being good little sheep and punching your clocks. Drive and ambition are dangerous things, and thinking for yourself is no good at all. Those are the kinds of things that can ruin your life.

The thing that aggravates me most about these list-writers is that they seem to not understand that they're just like everybody else. Why should I pay money for a magazine just to have some skinny cheese-dick tell me what I should think is cool? For that matter, why should I even care what other people think at all?

And these lists have fantastic names. Top ten holiday parks. Ten things to drive your woman crazy in bed. Top ten science fiction films of the decade. Top ten myths about orgasms in fish...

Where will this nonsense end?

Who decides what will and won't make these lists? Maybe the ones with quantifiable data such as Top Ten Music Requests aren't quite as pretentious as the others, but you have to assume that anybody other than the owner of the radio station would give a fuck first. And they don't. Their entire argument rests on the assertion that they have the only opinion in the universe that matters.

Case-in-point: The so-called "worst video game of all time" is supposed to be E.T. for the old Atari 2600. It was rushed into production and finished in time for Christmas. People bought this game and didn't like it. There were lots of returns. Eventually the remaining copies were buried in a landfill and forgotten. Now here's the thing:

I liked the game.

That's right. I actually enjoyed playing E.T. I spent hours on it beating it over and over. Games back then weren't all that hot on graphics anyhow, and the very idea of having a quest of sorts to do was a lot of fun to me. Most importantly, people didn't try to tell me it wasn't cool to play, they just let me play it and I liked the thing. It was then that I realized the power of forming my own opinions, and that 10,000 people really can be wrong. Had I listened to popular opinion, (read: the opinion of some guy who claims to be popular), I never would've experienced this game. If you want a game that fucks, sucks and blows dead rats, might I suggest Mortal Kombat for any system. It possesses all the fun of watching paint dry, mixed with shitty graphics and no strategy whatsoever.

So take your lists of what you want everyone to think is cool and blow them out your ass. And no, don't give me another one called "Top Ten Things I've Blown Out My Ass". Nobody wants your stupid opinion. We have become a nation of consumer-zombies that believe everything we're told.

If it should strike you precious list writers that everything posted here is, in fact, my opinion, give yourself two points. Then go fuck yourself with them.

2006-03-20T04:38:00.000-06:00

What's So Great About Linux?

I hate Linux snobs. Not the people who use it in office applications or for servers where it belongs, oh no. I hate the skinny, greasy haired, Emo fuckoff that swears up and down while rolling his eyes at you that "Linux is so way superior to Windows, yo". And then goes on to tell you nothing but why Microsoft sucks. If you pay attention, you'll notice the twit never says anything about why Linux is a better operating system. Ever. He'll just rip on Bill Gates and company citing crashes and security breaches as 'proof' of his assertions. He'll tell you about Microsoft's shady business practices, but won't mention that everybody else in the world is doing it too. And he'll throw around words like "open-source" just to try and make you think he knows what he's talking about. These are the same idiots that have lights in their computer cases that sit under their desks where nobody can see them. They tout their limited technical skill in setting up RAID systems and the ability to use the command line like it makes them a god.

It does not.

Besides, when did putting a computer together require a degree from MIT? Once upon a time maybe it was a chore to hand-solder all the components onto a circuit board, but now building a PC is akin to assembling LEGO's. Want to impress me, motherfucker? Do some work in Assembly language or naitive machine code.

Let me tell you here and now that I think Linux absolutely sucks for home use, and I daresay that it will forever suck for home use. Why? Because nobody supports it. That's the whole shebang.

The Linux crowd will swear that anything you want you can get for free online. Not true. I want to play the newest Elder Scrolls game, and it's not going to be for Linux. If I had a version of Linux installed, and that was all I had, I couldn't play. In an interesting side note, everyone I know who masturbates to Linux has a secondary hard drive with windows on it for games.

Lest you think that I haven't given Linux a fair shake, allow me to put your mind at ease. I currently have within easy reach a coaster with the Ubuntu Linux OS on it. I can put it in my CD ROM drive before I boot and it will load a Linux environment. Too damned bad I can only surf the internet with it and can't access any of my hard drives. That's right. With Linux, I CAN'T ACCESS MY C DRIVE WHERE OVER 90% OF THE DATA I WANT TO USE IN THE FIRST GODDAMNED PLACE IS. It won't mount. It won't report itself as being there. It won't work.

Strangely enough, when I restarted after ejecting the CD that contained the Linux environment, everything worked like a well-oiled sewing machine again.

Do you want to know why Linux is more stable than Windows? Because nothing runs on it. You can't open any programs. That's a sure-fire bet for keeping a system stable. If it would ever do anything, it'd probably be just as stable as Windows, which for me runs just fine. If you're the type of person who feels the need to leave your PC on for six months at a stretch, then you're plain old fucking stupid. There were instructions online for playing media files, but guess what? They didn't work. Everything I tried to do on my local machine failed in Ubuntu. Nothing would compile, nothing would run. That's the secret to Linux's stability and security. It won't let you into your own programs.

If you want monolithic proof that Windows is a superior OS for PC use, here it is: Nobody makes PC's with Linux installed, although Linux is free. They would rather pay Microsoft a royalty fee than use an open-source operating system because Windows works well and easily, while Linux does not. Naysayers like to interject at this poing with how IBM used to ship their PC's with Linux onboard as a last stand against my logic. My killing blow here is to remind them that IBM shut down and sold their PC line to the Lenovo group in China so they could focus on just selling servers. Why? For the same reason any company sells one of it's divisions; because they were losing money in the PC business.

So after braving the waters, I can tell you that Linux isn't worth the headache. Windows trumps Linux in every area that you'll ever need as a home PC user because it is easy to use and very flexible. Whatever I want to do in Windows, I can do. If you think that Windows is a bad operating system, that's because you listen to all these morons who tout this "open source" crap in about twelve different flavors. Try Linux. It's free... because it's too much of a pain in the ass to sell. Maybe you'll like it, but I'm betting you won't. You'll come back to Windows soon where everything works at the click of a button.

2006-03-11T19:40:00.000-06:00

13 Words and Phrases That Should Be Stricken From Language.

Why the fuck not? You assholes don't use it anyway.

Did you ever have someone say something stupid to you and have it feel like they were driving an icepick into your temples? Have you ever listened to someone speak for seconds on end only to realize that they were intellectually bankrupt and full of shit? Has the grating sound of another person's voice ever made you long to commit homicide? Fear not, for you are not alone!

This week I'll be deconstructing a few phrases that I have been violated by in the recent past. All words and phrases are graded in three categories: Origin, Level of Stupidity, and Level of Annoyance, as well as listing the average I.Q. of the user. The numeric scale for Stupidity and Annoyance is a 10 point logorythmic scale, with 1 being only as annoying as an orgasm, and 10 being the most annoying thing since Gilbert Godfried. Thus, something registering a 6 on the scale is twice as annoying as something registering only a 5. Also, I have included notes for victims of these phrases and those who have been sheltered from them, as well as frank commentary provided for perpetrators of each instance of aural assault.

If you have heard these phrases before, you have my condolences. If you have not, you have my envy. If you're one of the assholes who says these things, you have my bitter and unyeilding contempt.

#1. "My Bad"
Origin: Hip Hop Slang
Stupidity: 10
Annoyance: 8
Average I.Q. Of User: 90
For victims and sheltered people: This is a common one. Hip-hop culture has forced this horrible phrase upon us which is generally used in place of the english phrase "my mistake". Users feel that this phrase somehow makes them seem streetwise or cultured. It is designed to make you sound like an idiot.

For Offenders: Let me assure you that the word 'bad' is not a noun or verb. You cannot 'bad'. I don't care how hard you try. You also cannot carry around a 'bad' in your pocket. It is not a thing. What you mean to say is "Oops! My mistake!". You can also save time just by saying "Oops!". However, if you're stupid enough to say this phrase, you probably shouldn't be speaking at all.

#2. "Know Whattam Sayin'"
Origin: Hip Hop Slang
Stupidity: 9
Annoyance: 6
Average I.Q. Of User: 75
For victims and sheltered people: Note the deliberately incorrect spelling. (This is entirely phonetic.) Were this phrase actually pronounced "Know What I'm Saying?", the speaker would be beaten, his Ecko shoes would be tied together by the shoelaces and thrown over a power line, and he'd be strangled with his own FUBU jersy. This is one that is thankfully becoming less common by the day.

Again, hip-hop culture has forced this upon us. It has no real value, but it is used to apparently make sure the other person is listening to you, agreeing with you, or as filler when you're too stupid to articulate your thoughts and give your brain a chance to catch up with the rest of the world. It is designed to make you sound like an idiot.

For Offenders: If you can't tell the simplest of stories without fishing for moral support, just shut the fuck up already. I hate you and so does everyone else. You have no real friends. There are many painless ways to commit suicide. Pick one.

#3. "Ya Feel Me"
Origin: Hip Hop Slang
Stupidity: 10
Annoyance: 10
Average I.Q. Of User: 81
For victims and sheltered people: This is the latest incarnation of the above offense "Know Whattam Sayin'?" After realizing that nobody gives a shit about what they think, they decided to play on emotion, rather than the intellect that they so sorely lack. It is designed to make you sound like an idiot.

For Offenders: Stop saying this. Every time I hear this aural sewage, the only thing I feel is that I've somehow been sexually molested. I don't want to feel any part of you. You look like William Jonathan Drayton, Jr. (Who calls himself "Flavor Flav"), who in turn looks like a homeless person. Stop asking me to feel you and go take a godammed shower.

#4. "Yo"
Origin: Italian greaseballs in Philadelphia, P.A.
Stupidity: 8
Annoyance: 7
Average I.Q. Of User: 65
For victims and sheltered people: This word, if it can be called that, was invented by Italians in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and later adopted by the hip-hop crowd for use as filler, and as a type of punctuation. It is designed to make you sound like an idiot.

For Offenders: Yo? Yo what? Is this a bastardization of "Your", as in "Yo Momma"? Are you just trying to sound like a retarded Sylvester Stallone? Stop doing this. Sylvester Stallone? You quit doing it too.

#5. "Old School"
Origin: Baby Boomers and Yuppies. Popularized around 1986 by rap.
Stupidity: 6
Annoyance: 4
Average I.Q. Of User: 90
For victims and sheltered people: This horrible example of pop culture in action has it's roots in yuppie speech. It roughly translates into meaning "They don't make 'em like this anymore", and implies that things were somehow better or of higher quality then. It is designed to make you sound like an idiot.

For Offenders: What the fuck are you talking about? What school? Are you referring to the one you dropped out of because you were too stupid to handle subjects other than basketball in gym? Oh, I "know what you're saying" all right. If you had any interest at all in 'old school' ways of doing things, you'd have learned proper english, and wouldn't be trying to bastardize the language with your slang word of the day that you just pulled out of your ass.

#6. "Dead"
Origin: Surfer twits and Californian culture.
Stupidity: 10
Annoyance: 10
Average I.Q. Of User: 117
For victims and sheltered people: The marketing assholes out in California are responsible for this one. Especially the blonde headed surfer twits that call everybody "Dude". This is commonly used not to refer to someone who has actually died, but to promote a new type or color of product that isn't doing particularly well. It works like this: Some company decides to sell bumpers for a jeep wrangler in crayola 8 box colors. Up until now, they were only offered in, oh, chrome let's say. The day these things hit the market the company advertises them by saying something like CHROME IS DEAD! TEH NEW BUMPZ0RS ARE TEH R0X0RZ IN TEH C0L0RZ0RZ. These people are so desperate to start a new trend that they stonewall against all common sense, and attempt to make you believe that you're somehow missing out on what the new 'in' thing is. It panders to those with low intellectual wattage, and it is designed to make you sound like an idiot.

For Offenders: Like anybody gives a fuck what you think. This is a shallow, narcissistic approach that reeks of presumed superiority. If you could dream up a decent product, you wouldn't need to resort to this kind of jedi-mind-trick marketing. Just kill yourself and do us all a favor. Breathing is dead!

#7. "Word Up"
Origin: Black English of the 1980's
Stupidity: Off the scale
Annoyance: Ditto
Average I.Q. Of User: 90
For victims and sheltered people: More hip-hop rapper slang. This is supposed to imply agreement with something that has just been said. It is designed to make you sound like an idiot.

For Offenders: Word up? Shut up. I can give you a few suggestions about where you can shove this word up.

#8. "G"
Origin: Rap
Stupidity: 8
Annoyance: 10
Average I.Q. Of User: 81
For victims and sheltered people: This is another example of "instant rap slang". It's used as a pronoun when greeting someone, as in "Wassup G?" (Translation, What's up, man?). "G" is short for "gangster" or "Gangsta'" in the street vernacular. It is designed to make you sound like an idiot.

For Offenders: Stop with all this "Godfather" bullshit. You are not a gangster, and neither am I. You're in the Crips, are you? Or maybe you're in the Bloods? Lightweights both of them. You're desperately trying to pretend you're on the same level as the Families from Sicily and it's pathetic. They'd have you dead in mere seconds. They wouldn't pull this 'drive by' bullshit, they'd go to your house and kill everybody there in front of a lot of witnesses and let them know why. They'd bomb your block to make sure they got you. They'd make bodies disappear. You're amateurs. Besides, you have no style, no class, and no personal identity. If you did, you wouldn't go around saying things because some drug dealer with a microphone tells you to.

#9. "Beeyotch"
Origin: Rap
Stupidity: 10
Annoyance: 10
Average I.Q. Of User: 67
For victims and sheltered people: Rappers again. Although now even rednecks are saying this. It's english equivalent is "Bitch". It is designed to make you sound like an idiot.

For Offenders: You mush-mouthed son of a bitch... You sound like you've just stuffed your face with boiled shit. I hope your welfare check doesn't come in. If you're a white redneck who says this, then may you someday go hunting with Dick Cheyney.

#10. "Sup"
Origin: Hip-Hop Slang
Stupidity: 4
Annoyance: 7
Average I.Q. Of User: 77
For victims and sheltered people: *sigh* Yet more hip-hop bilge. This is a contraction of "What's up?", and is usually accompanied by a backwards nod of the head and a thrusting forward of the chin. It is designed to make you sound, (and look), like an idiot with Tourette's Syndrome.

For Offenders: You're possibly the laziest people I've ever seen. The best you can manage for a greeting is a one word grunt, is it? I suppose flinging your own shit at people in the mall is next. Why don't you just go the full nine yards and just stop speaking altogether? I'd appreciate it.

#11. "Spin"
Origin: Fox News
Stupidity: 7
Annoyance: 9
Average I.Q. Of User: 120
For victims and sheltered people: This is a "Fox News" exclusive. Bill O'Reilley and crowd are fond of this phrase because they think it makes them sound cool. It's their buzz word for propoganda. It is designed to make the user sound intelligent, but it only serves to make them sound like an idiot.

For Offenders: I hate you and I hate your razzle-dazzle jargon. Only you care what you think. Stop forcing your idiotic catch phrase of the day on the rest of us. We quit laughing at your retardation a long time ago, and now you're just annoying.

#12. "True Dat"
Origin: Black English. Popularized through it's use in a SNL skit "Lazy Sunday".
Stupidity: 10
Annoyance: 10
Average I.Q. Of User: 48
For victims and sheltered people: A half-assed way of expressing agreement with something that was just said. It is designed to make you sound like an idiot.

For Offenders: What the fuck are you talking about? Mark Twain said: "It's better to be quiet and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt". He was talking to you. Here, eat this Drano. It's yummy.

#13. "I'm Furrildo"
Origin: Hip-Hop Slang
Stupidity: 7
Annoyance: 10
Average I.Q. Of User: 62
For victims and sheltered people: A slurring of the grossly incorrect phrase "I'm for real though". The intended definition of this phrase is that the speaker is telling you the truth. It is designed to make you sound like an idiot.

For Offenders: You're for real, are you? Is that anything like trying to tell me that you're serious and aren't joking with me? I thought you were telling me that you weren't a figment of my imagination or some hallucination that I was having. It makes me sad to know that you're "for real". I wish you weren't. I'd like nothing more than to have you disappear with the aid of some powerful psychoactive drugs so that I didn't think you were contaminating the gene pool with the sewage that is your DNA.

That's all for now folks. I can't handle the trauma of remembering any more of these things. Keep english alive, eh?

2006-03-05T22:00:00.000-06:00

Grandma Turismo

Ah, driving! It's a great thing to be able to do. Getting out there and getting tickets, running stop signs, hitting wayward pedestrians... All part of a day's work.

I'm really proud of a woman in North Carolina. She's 80 years old and she's the best driver I've ever heard of.

She drove 14 miles going the wrong goddammed way down interstate I40/I85 and didn't get a scratch!Click here for full news story. (Opens in a new window.)

What the hell is wrong with this picture?!? Why do we let people that old and in that poor shape drive cars in traffic? Something is fucked up. How do you manage to drive 14 miles on the interstate into oncoming traffic and not know it? There are going to be some pretty serious clues that something has gone afoul here. Anyone with any kind of faculties for reason will detect something amiss almost immediately. If nothing else, in fourteen miles wouldn't you figure it might dawn on you to maybe, just maybe, hit the shoulder and turn around to try it again?

Of course I know that I'm going to get an e-mail from some cheese-dick saying, "Hey man, those big "Do Not Enter: Wrong Way" signs are about halfway down the exit ramp anyhow." What-fucking-ever Einstein. If you can't see 50 feet, it's a safe bet you shouldn't be driving anything at all, but we let people do it.

We let anybody drive in this country, and I mean anybody. Don't know your ass from a tea kettle? That's okay. We let diplomats drive without a license and forgive their fatal car crashes and property damage because they just didn't understand what was going on. Too nearsighted to take a shit? We let geriatric motherfuckers who are so blind and senile that they can't find their asses with both hands get behind a wheel. Can't wipe your own ass? We let paralysed people get behind the wheel!

WHY!?

The old people claim that they don't want to lose their independance. I claim that us non-old people don't want you independant motherfuckers running over us on your way to church because you mistook a sidewalk for an express lane. We want to live to be old people too, and you're fucking it up for us with monkeyshines like this.

I think there's a better way, and of course, I happen to have it.

It's too easy to get and keep a license in this country. In Germany for example, a driver's license costs you somewhere around $1500 USD, and if you ever have it pulled for any reason, that's it. You NEVER get it back. We should take a page from their book on this. I say that if you were given a DUI, you're just a motherfucker on a bicycle from now on.

Let's scale the test to make it harder as you get older too. Let's keep the renewal tests the same until you hit the age of, oh, 50 or so. Then, from your 51st birthday to your 60th, not only do you have to take a reflex test, but your license is only good for three years.

From 61 to 65: same as above, but now you retest every two years.

66 - 70: license is good for a single year and you have to take a bi-annual physical as well as motor skills and reflex tests.

70 and up: Retest every six motherfucking months, full physical every two years, road skill test is now required, (just as if you were getting a license in that state for the first time), as well as reflex test.

I don't see how anyone can not like this idea. Oh sure, there're a few old people who shouldn't be driving anyway who'll complain, but I only need remind them of "Wrong Way Grandma" before they start muttering into their adult diapers and realize that they're wrong.

2006-02-26T21:43:00.000-06:00

Son of: Thoughts

Women don't go through menopause. That's a completely rediculous notion. The prefix pause indicates a temporary cessation of a given condition that will resume at some time in the future. Think about it, have you ever known of a woman that had her reproductive cycle cease only to recommence on her 70th birthday? Me either. They ought to call this condition menostop. Although the idea of a pregnant 70 year old is both amusing and disgusting to me all at the same time.

I don't think we should call them "Undertakers". They're "Under-putters". Undertaking sounds suspiciously like grave-robbing to me.

If you say that you "understand" something, it's supposed to imply that you comprehend what is being said or going on, but I think this is backwards. Think about it. If you break the word down, what do you get? That's right, the words "Under" and "Stand". The whole thing comes out meaning "One who stands under" or "Stand Beneath". So what people are really telling you is that the subject in question is over their head... which I suppose makes the phrase a truism after all.

Definition time!

Crime wave: A form of greeting employed by the mafia.

Heat wave: Related to Crime Wave, but generally used by animals.

Pop-Corn: A kind of vegetable only your dad gets to eat.

Civic Duty: Work your car has to do.

Staple Diet: Common among wackos trying to get into Guinness' Book of World Records

Asphalt: Your butt crack.

Babysitter: The teenager that gets paid to eat all your food while you're away.

Poppycock: The opposite of a Mommycunt.

Poppy Seed: Usually found inside Mommycunt and in the mouths of babysitters.

Why is it called the menstrual cycle when only women get it?

It seems to me that people in this country spend an inordinate amount of time stuffing puppies and kittens into all manner of odd objects and taking pictures of them.

When we say someone is deceased, we're supposed to imply that they've died, right? It doesn't sound right to me. It's a double negative. The person didn't de-cease, they ceased. What Jesus and Lazarus did was decease. First they ceased, then they de-ceased. By the way, Lazarus is widely assumed to have re-ceased at some future point.

More on the de - re prefix silliness in this language. Saying that someone regurgitated something sounds like they've eaten vomit, doesn't it? We regurgitate food, but we don't ungurgitate food. In fact, we don't gurgitate it in the first place. It seems to me that the word "regurgitate" indicates that a person gurgitated the food, ungurgitated the food, and then finally regurgitated said food. I guess whoever came up with that word was really hungry, ill, or both.

There are three categories of people who work with needle and thread; Women are seamstresses, Men are tailors, and gay men are Fashion Designers.

Rub a dub dub, three men in a tub... they drowned.

What is "Eggs Benedict"? Blessed eggs? Who goes 'round blessing things that fell out of a chicken's asshole? Honestly!

If your belly hurts while your pregnant, I'll bet it's because you didn't properly stretch before fucking.

Did you ever notice that we don't have a cuntroach?

2006-02-26T21:32:00.000-06:00

Stop Fucking Up English!

I speak English as my first language, and I am tired of hearing you dipshits mangle it however the hell you want. I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of wading through your countless e-mails, endless chatroom jargon, and general bullshit with my Dumbass-to-English dictionary just to figure out what the fuck you're trying to say. Believe it or not folks, your use of language directly determines how smart you appear to be. You can either take my advice on this or you can have a long career making french fries for a living.

Nobody can possibly want to sound like a third grade dropout, and nobody definately ever wants to hear one. Therefore, as a public service to the English speaking community and as primal therapy for me, I offer the following suggestions. You would do well to heed them.

Remember, if you're an internet dumbass, but you still care enough to learn how to speak correctly, follow this advice:

1) SAVE THE APOSTROPHE

Quit with the motherfucking apostrophe abuse, okay? The rules for this shit are simple and short for fuck's sake.
You use an apostrophe:

to indicate possession
to show the omission of letters, as in a contraction
to indicate the plural form of individual letters.

Examples:

"The dog's tail is wagging."
This is an example of the apostrophe used to indicate possession.

"The dog is minding his P's and Q's."
Correct. This is proper usage when referring to multiples of vowels and consonants and does NOT indicate possession.

"The dog's hungry."
This is a contraction of "The dog is hungry", and is also correct.

"All the dog's are wagging their tail's."
WRONG! COMPLETELY WRONG! WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU LEARN THIS?

2) FOREIGN WORDS

a) JAPANESE (NIHONGO)
STOP with the fucking Japanese words and greetings. I'm tired of all you mouth-breathing cocksuckers who desperately wish you were Japanese peppering your speech with your poorly understood Nihongo in a vain (and failed) attempt to appear cultured. Believe me when I say that learning a handful of Japanese words will not somehow make you Japanese! Unless you're speaking to someone who only understands Nihongo, quit with crap you've picked up from your goddamned anime collection, (a.k.a. CARTOONS). My name is NOT Alan-san, Alan-kun, Alan-hun, Alan-senpai, Alan-chan or Alan-sama. I am not amused and you sound like a masturbating cosplay fan-boy. "Kawaii" IS NOT AN ENGLISH WORD AND IT MAKES YOU SOUND STUPID WHEN YOU THROW IT INTO AN ENGLISH CONVERSATION. Ditto for Anime, Baka, Bukkake, Gaijin, Hentai, Manga, Oni, Ora and Otaku. Just stop doing it.

"Oh God I wish I was Japanese!
b) FRENCH (FRANÇAIS)
Furthermore, for those precious people that use the French words moi, tres and oui, I hope you develop brain cancer.

c) ITALIAN (ITALIANO)
The Italian word ciao, (pronounced chow), is something you fucking eat, not a thing to replace "goodbye" with.

EDIT 2/20/2006: Thanks Mike for pointing this out. I had previously listed ciao as being French... which is understandable. It's not English and nobody in this country is expected to know that.

d) GERMAN (DEUTSCH)
Concerning the German word "Über", let me just say this:

THIS IS NOT AN ENGLISH WORD. FURTHERMORE, YOU IDIOTS ARE USING IT INCORRECTLY.
Über is the German word for "over". (As in "above".) Pull your pretentious heads out of your even more pretentious assholes and stick to one language at a time. Though I suppose it shouldn't really suprise me to see you retarded bastards fuck up a foreign language since you fuck up the language you were born speaking too.

And wipe the shit-stain off your neck.

3) INTERNET SHORTHAND

For all of you, ye worst of offenders, who use internet shorthand: What the fuck are you supposed to be, a stenographer? Would it fucking kill you to type the other two letters in that word you're trying to communicate to me or learn how to use one of the "shift" keys? The current worst abuse of this bullshit is "O RLY?" (Oh really?), and it's spattered all over every goddamned thing on the internet. I'm not buying that crap about how it saves time to drop letters from words; you're not efficient, you're lazy.

If I were in charge, the use of any of the following "words" in written communication should land you a manditory 3 months in a first grade English class:

O
RLY
O RLY
U
R
UR
C
IC
(unless you're referring to electronic components, and you're not, so shove it.)
PPL
KNO
WTF
OMG
L8R
H8
SK8
GR8
LOL
ROFL
(what the fuck's a roffle?)
ROFLMAO
ROFLMCAO
STFU
1337
OMFG
H4XX0RZ
HAX
H4X
ASL
PLZ
THX
!!!!!11!

And lastly, the substitution of the numbers 3, 4 and 0 for the letters E, A and O should require a mandatory beating with an axe. Seriously, who the fuck do you think is going to hire you if you write like this? I hear McDonald's is taking applications for first shift.

4) STREET

I am not a nigger, least of all yours. Nor am I your dog, and you may refer to me as either "mister" or "sir". A 'tray' is something you get your lunch on or make ice in; the word you're looking for is "three". That thing with wheels on it in my driveway is my car, not my ride, "Ho" is something Santa Claus says in triplicate, and "Yo" is not punctuation. "Word" is not a sentence, and I can think of only one instance it is even remotely appropriate to use as a response.

Bob: "Mike, do you open this document in Adobe Studio or Microsoft Word?"
Mike: "Word."

The words "like" and "go", when used as filler, make your I.Q. painfully apparent.

"So I was, like, "Oh yeah?" and he was like "Yeah motherfucker!" So I go "Fuck you!" and then he goes "Like I fuck yo momma las' night, bee-yatch!" and I'm like *Boom* upside his motherfucking head, right? and he's like "Ima bus' a cap in yo' ass!"
If you happen to sound like this when you speak, SHUT THE FUCK UP. Either take up sign language or just suck on the business end of a shotgun. "Bad" is neither a noun nor is it a verb, so stop prattling the phrase "my bad" at me. A pimp is someone who sells hookers, (or whores), not a radical custom job, and it is never a term of respect. The next person to tell me "Pimping means representing someone else's interests." gets kicked right in the fucking nuts. No it does not you fucking MTV zombie. The word for that is "work". Who taught you lazy bastards to speak? I do not live in a hizzouse, I do not have a mizzouse problem, and I won't spend another minizzle on this bullshizzle.

5) BASIC SPELLING

Learn to fucking spell! It's not hard. Holy Jesus jumping up and down in a bucket of superglue... There's a SPELLCHECKER on your damned computer, and failing that, there's a book full of properly spelled words at the local library, otherwise known as a dictionary. Do you know how much I want to stab you in the eyes with a shovel whenever you say some stupid shit to me like "I went too see the game adn it wasnt' over until to aclock"? Don't make me suffer through your ignorance. If you'd fucking payed attention in school and learned something instead of getting out early to play football, maybe you wouldn't be the burden on society that you are today. And don't give me that weak "Hey, I'm not an English Major, get off my back, man" horseshit. FUCK YOU! Not only am I not an English Major, but I've never been to college a day in my goddamned life. YOU, sir, who ARE currently enrolled in Booger U somewhere should know better than to come off sounding like that. Good language and grammar should be a HABIT, not a thing you do for a grade. Failing that, why don't you go back to Kindergarten and start over. That's the one place where how far you can kick a ball and taking a nap actually mean something.

2006-02-22T01:32:00.000-06:00

NEWS

New things going on with Plainly Ranting that I think you should know about, dammit.

Friday, March 30th, 2007:

Hey guys,

After a six month battle with cancer, my mother finally succumbed at 7:25 PM. She died peacefully under a good deal of medication surrounded by her family and friends. Tomorrow would have been her 65th birthday.

I'll put something up soon.

-Alan

Sunday, October 1st, 2006:

Some of you have e-mailed me asking why there haven't been updates here at PR this last couple of weeks. I've been promising to publish something every Monday, and I was able to stick to that for about a year with no hiccups. Unfortunately my schoolwork is kicking my ass and I couldn't get anything up. Also, there were some personal issues that I had to deal with, and I just didn't feel like writing.

No, I take that back... I simply didn't have anything to write about. I just had the wonderful experience of telling my mom that she has terminal cancer.

Changing the subject wildly again, one of my classes is English Composition this term. It takes up a considerable amount of my writing juice to maintain an "A" in the course, and adding PR as well as TODC to the workload is busting my ass. Something had to give. As a bonus this week, I'm going to publish my A+ paper under the title, "The Last Load". It is NOT normal PR fare, but at least you get an idea what I'm doing. If you like it, I may post more pieces from class.

-Alan

Monday, July 10th, 2006:

Hello everyone,

Today's post went up a few hours late because I recently suffered a complete hard drive failure which resulted in the loss of around 90 GB of data. Fortunately, nothing critical was destroyed, and my network has made a full recovery, albeit with a new HDD.

Hey, didn't I promise you guys an update every Monday?

Oh, and today is my birthday. Send money.

Sunday, May 20th, 2006:

This little gem was waiting for me in my inbox this morning:

Tuesday, May 16th, 2006
Hello,

Your blog has been reviewed, verified, and cleared for regular use so that
it will no longer appear as potential spam. If you sign out of Blogger and
sign back in again, you should be able to post as normal. Thanks for your
patience, and we apologize for any inconvenience this has caused.

Sincerely,
The Blogger Team

Spam blogs! I wish stupid people could come up with something better to do than making my life difficult. I swear this whole fiasco is like something straight out of the Asshole Olympics, isn't it? Besides, Plainly Ranting isn't even a blog in the first place; it's a website that I've built using Blogger's engine. Apparently my linking system made their robots file me under their blanket 'evil-bad' category, but I'd say matters are solved now. Keep checking back with me, because you never know when the newest monkeyshines are coming. (Hint: They arrive every Monday like clockwork.)

Sunday, May 14th, 2006:

I have been informed that Blogger robots have identified my website as a Spam Blog. Of course, this makes me more than a little miffed, but it's a mindless algorithm that's pointing the finger. Plainly Ranting is subject to review by a live person to determine that they've made a mistake. Sadly, had they asked me, I could've told them this. I've already been offered hosting by a couple of webhosting services with my own domain name instead of something on Blogger. However, I am reserving judgement until this is sorted out.

Monday, May 8th, 2006:

There is a new Archives section here at Plainly Ranting! The main page was getting a little too hairy and I had to shorten things up a bit. Just click on the new "ARCHIVES" button on the main page and you should be able to find your old favorites waiting for you.

Sunday, April 2nd, 2006:

Search engines feedster.com and Google have finally picked up on the good goings on here! This means that my website can now be found via a Google search for "Plainly Ranting"! Unlike Google, feedster.com still doesn't access my main page, but it does index at least some of my articles, which is just as good to me.

So it seems enough of you like the site that search engines are beginning to take notice. (Remember when search engines helped expose sites to new readers? That's all gone the way of the Dodo and it's entirely the other way around now. Thanks PageRank... ass.) Now thanks to you, loyal and devoted readers, the site is more accessible to everyone on the internet. Thanks to everyone who's wandered in for a laugh, linked to me, or just told some friends about me. As always, feel free to leave comments or fire me an e-mail and keep the buzz going!

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006:

On February 19th, 2006, the people over at http://www.theobservationist.com/ came across Plainly Ranting using highly secretive and technological methods. They snooped around and laughed their asses off. They showed it to one another. They were astonished.

They were so taken by what they saw that they asked me to come write for them. Then it was my turn to be astonished. Negotiations began. There, in a smoky room in an undisclosed location, with only a greasy yellow lightbulb hanging from a string for illumination, we struggled back and forth....

Oh bullshit.

They asked me to write for 'em and I took the job.

That means that you can also find my stuff at http://www.theobservationist.com/ now. (Opens in a new window.) I look forward to working with the staff there and lending my particular brand of hostility to their otherwise serene and mellow atmosphere. I feel like a wolf in a henhouse. One that just had an orgasm.

However, it must be noted that nothing from PR will be published at The Observationist. Ever. So if you want to read all my stuff, you'll have to check both sites now. ...and buy the book later. Hell, get a few tee-shirts too while you're at it.

Check them out. They're a good buncha' guys.

2006-02-22T01:25:00.000-06:00

Plainly Linking

These are some of my affiliates. Check them out once you've read all my crap. All links open in a new window.

The Observationist

The Society for Creative Anachronism

2006-02-22T00:26:00.000-06:00

Frequently Asked Questions (F.A.Q.)

How did you start this site?

I was talked into starting a LiveJournal account by a friend of mine a couple of years ago. I posted in it for a while, but it didn't hold my interest. I forgot about it entirely for a long time after that, and got back to it when I was reminded by this friend that I hadn't posted anything in forever. I started back, but wasn't happy with the traffic, (next to none), and started looking for a host with more curb appeal. I found Blogger and it went from there.

Where did the name Plainly Ranting come from?

I originally wanted to call it "Why Everything Sucks", but found that it was already taken after a brief Google search. The name "Plainly Ranting" is my idea of a witty play on the old phrase "plainly speaking". It was originally going to be called "Generally Ranting", but I was tired that night and couldn't keep my head together.

Where do you get your material?

I wander around in my daily life until something strikes me as odd, obnoxious, or both. Then I come home and go on a row about it. Sometimes it becomes a full-fledged article, and sometimes it doesn't.

So you don't publish everything that you write?

Oh God no. Sometimes ideas don't go anywhere and I have to either put them into storage for later or I just scrap the whole thing and try again down the road.

But do you write everything you publish?

Abso-fucking-lutely. Everything you see on PR is 100% my stuff, with the exception of some images. If a particular image doesn't have my copyright tag at the bottom, It's not mine and I'm linking to it on imageshack. No guest writers or contributors work here. Plagiarism is not something that I condone or try to get away with. If I must, I'll reference other's works while giving full credit and linking to it, but I usually wind up citing it as a source.

Can I link to your website?

Sure. I don't mind and you don't need my permission.

Will you link to my website?

Contact me via the e-mail links at the top and bottom of the main page and introduce yourself first.

Why is your site so bland? You could use some HTML to jazz it up.

Okay, now you've just gone off into stupid. I've chosen the white on black color scheme for a reason, and it's not to be Emo or Goth. Your monitor is never going to be a piece of paper, no matter how hard you try to make it look like one. In essence, you're staring at a lightbulb for hours and straining your eyes. If you don't believe me, try turning off the lights in the room where the monitor is and see how bright things still are.

Concerning HTML, what the fuck do you think this site was written in? Jell-O? Just because I don't have some gee-whiz flash-bangy website like some other pretentious cocks I could name doesn't make this a bad site. The websites you're looking at are for people who don't know how to read. If they could produce good content, they wouldn't need to dazzle you with flashing lights and things that spin.

Besides, this is called Plainly Ranting, not vampirefreaks.com.

I'm offended by something I read here!

I don't give a fuck. Bye. Tell your friends.

No, I'm serious. You really pissed me off!

No, I'm serious. I don't give a fuck. I don't recall coming to your house, surfing to my site on your computer, tying you to a chair, propping your eyelids open with toothpicks and forcing you to read a goddamned thing. If you don't like what you see here, go somewhere else and leave me alone. If you don't want your kids seeing this site, don't let them come here. If they came here anyway and you're pissed, SHAME ON YOU. Start watching your precious A.D.D. brats and take responsibility in their life for a change. I'm not your babysitter.

How often do you update your site?

I update Plainly Ranting every Monday, usually in the wee hours of the morning, Central time, (-6:00 GMT).

Why do you only update once a week? I'd just put something up whenever I had material to post.

I'll keep that in mind when I visit your site. However, since this is my site, I'll do whatever the fuck I feel like. I update on a weekly schedule because it allows me to backlog articles to put up on those weeks when I don't have anything new in my head to post. It also lets me prune away the articles I don't like and allows me to focus on putting up good content. I have at least 10 articles right now (as of this writing) in the works, and not all of them are going to see the light of day.

Are you married?

Yes, I am married and have been so since 1999. Why? Are you proposing?

How does your wife put up with you?

"I have no idea." That's a direct quote from Joy, folks. I like to think it's because I'm a Greek god in bed.

How long does it usually take you to write an update?

It varies. Sometimes I'm on something for a week or two, while other things seem to write themselves. Still other things never get anywhere at all, and they go into storage. However, the majority of time working on a post isn't spent writing, it's spent re-writing. No matter who you are, first drafts suck and should never be what you publish. While I may bang out an article in twenty minutes, I can be hours if not days editing, rephrasing, and rearranging things until I'm satisfied with it.

***

That's all for now. If you can think of another question I've not covered in this FAQ, then contact me at awortman@grnco.net and ask.

2006-02-19T21:59:00.000-06:00

The Truth About Cell Phones

What the hell is up with cell phones? Everywhere you look, there's some schmuck with a cell phone glued to his ear talking to someone else with piss poor reception and swearing it's a godsend. Phones have cameras, color screens, clocks, video games, video feed, e-mail, text messaging and double as vibrators. They do every fucking thing under the sun BESIDES work well as a telephone, and they don't do any of them well.

Why would you want to send a stupid text message to someone else on a phone when you can call them and transfer more information faster? Why would you want to take a picture with the joke of a camera they have in them when the image looks like a retarded 4 year old's fingerpainting? We drive with them, we walk with them, we shop for groceries with them and I daresay some of us even have sex with them... just in case you get an important text message during cotius or absolutely have to start playing a piss-poor video game.

I ask you, would you not raise 14 kinds of hell if your house phone dropped a call? Your cell phone does it regularly. If your camera could only take pictures suitable for wallet-sized photos, would you not be pissed? That's all your cell phone can handle. If your computer or word processor only had 15 keys on it's keyboard, would you even bother using it?

No.

Don't you even dare write me whining about how I'm so wrong about YOUR phone. I think YOUR phone well deserves to be shoved up YOUR ass. I have a camera for taking pictures and it does so very well at 5 megapixels. Your swiss army phone takes them at 2. My hardwired telephone has crystal clear fidelity, your piece of shit doesn't work at all inside a metal building, and is half-assed at best talking to someone across the street. My computer has a real keyboard, real e-mail, and plays games besides snake. Your Nokia P.O.S. LTD has an embarrassing text entry scheme, a whopping 1" screen, and plays the most horrible excuse for a game imaginable. My Game Boy Color, the one that's currently sitting under about an inch of dust on my bookshelf from lack of use gives a more engaging experience.

Now let's talk batteries. With the exception of my camera, I don't have to worry about tying myself to some stupid charger because my batteries are going to die. And if they do, I can buy more anywhere in the country and I'm back in business. My camera also doesn't come with a contract, and I don't have to pay for minutes on it. My shit works. Your shit is just shit.

And STOP with the bilge you spew in all directions whenever you finish a call on one of these things about how great a calling plan you have. I don't want to hear about your free nights and weekends, free text messaging, free video chat, free ringtone downloads or anything else. If all this shit is free, why are you paying $80 a month, huh tough guy? Nobody wants to hear about you and your life's little mini-dramas, much less something as mundane as an itemization of an unnecessary bill. Nobody cares. In the grand scheme of things, you're not that important.

So in closing, I think they should try to make these cell phones work well as phones before adding fax machines and pseudo PDA functionality. Given how well they work as a telephone, what kind of dumbass could believe them to be able to competently do any of the other stuff?

If you think I'm talking about you, you're right.

2006-02-13T11:31:00.000-06:00

Allah-Bout Cartoons

Islam fundamentalists are calling for the death of the artist who drew this cartoon.
Earlier this week I heard about a cartoon, (several of them actually), printed in a Danish newspaper that got the Islamic community in an uproar. One was of the prophet Muhammad wearing a turban with a bomb in it. The cartoon was later reprinted by other newspapers in Europe.

The shit hit the fan. The Islamic bunch condemned the cartoon and certain elements have decided to resort to violence about it. Islam means "peace". At least it does when I research it. Keep in mind that these cartoons were drawn by a Danish artist for a Danish paper. The cartoons, to my knowledge, have never ran in an American publication.... So protesters of the cartoons recently marched on a US Embassy in one of Afhanistan's southern provinces. They threw rocks and sticks at police. The police were forced to fire into the crowd after warning shots had no deterrent effect.

This is too fucking easy. You, the champions of Islam (means "peace" remember?) have made bomb threats, made death threats, thrown rocks and sticks at cops, hacked websites, set fire to oil tankers and have been responsible for getting people killed. I personally think the fucking bomb in Muhammad's turban fits by everything you've shown me. Your actions have rebuked nothing.

Your own leaders have even released the following statement: "Aggression against life and property can only damage the image of a peaceful Islam," The statement was released jointly by Ekmeleddin Ihsanoglu of the Organization of the Islamic Conference, U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan and the EU chief Javier Solana.

I agree with them. Islam as practiced by these cheese-dicks is anything but peaceful. (Not that it was ever nice toward Jews.) Islam's image of being peaceful IS damaged, and it has been so for a long, long time. This is just the latest batch of monkeyshines showing the world that Islamic traditions are violent, vengeful and hate filled. They aren't supposed to be, but that's what they're showing.

Further, I have no patience with totalitarianism of any stripe. These people are demanding that everyone in the world bow down and retract something that doesn't affect them in any way. One way to live, one way to think, one way to be. Ours.

So fuck you and your theocratic need to bend me to your will in the name of Allah. Fuck you and your sociopathic need to quash free speech by calling for the death of anyone you disagree with. In fact, fuck you on general principles. Get off my TV and off my back. Get out of my inbox, mailbox, house, life, and sight. It's a cartoon of an arab with a bomb in his hat. That could be damned near anybody in the middle-east these days. Half of them have taken Muhammad's name as their own anyway.

Do you want to know something? You sorry ass people are sickos who aren't the least bit interested in Islam. All you want is just an excuse to do damage and harm people. I lump you with the asshat snipers down in New Orleans who shot and killed relief workers. I lump you with the people who were dropping bricks off overpasses during the trucking strikes in the 70's here in the United States. Ditto the L,A. riots of the 90's. You have an excuse now to get off by hurting people. Paradise does not wait for you.

So hack my site, call me with bomb threats and try to take my site down. It won't work. Everything is backed up and safely stored on a local machine with a hard-copy on a shelf. Images, text, format... everything. You take it down via computer crime, it goes right back up in ten minutes if I'm taking my time.

Threaten to kick my ass? That's nice. I'm a black belt in Ju-Jitsu and Samoan Bone Breaking. I also practice Western European swordfighting. I want to see this.

Guns? Hey! That's great! But you should know that Smith & Wesson didn't just make one and give it to you for your fucking birthday... hint hint. Or should I say "click click"?

You suck.

2006-01-30T17:27:00.000-06:00

Mexico Sucks

That's right, Mexico sucks, and they suck in more ways than one. Let me start by telling you that I don't like and have never liked Mexico or its backwater culture. I don't like the food, I don't like the women, and I don't like the language. Also, I don't like their climate, I don't like their economy nor do I like their government. I just don't like Mexico.

For those of you who sense a pattern emerging here, I assure you that I have come by my dislike of our dysfunctional southern neighbors honestly, and after reading what I have to say herein, I believe that you will understand my point of view. In fact, I'm confident that you will adopt it as your own.

Why? Well, that's a big question, isn't it? I don't make a habit of bullshitting my readers, so let's get to the core of the problem, and I have a lot to say this week.

I want to begin by laying a little groundwork. First, I need to define what illegal immigration is, and then go on to explain why it's such a problem in the first place.

An illegal immigrant isn't necessarily someone who stows away on a truck or a boat, or even one who swims the Rio Grande near to a hole in the fence, although those definitions do apply. Some illegal immigrants enter the country legally and then choose to overstay or violate their visas. In fact, I'm sure you know a few who have done just that.

So why is this a problem? First of all, from a purely black and white point of view, it's illegal by definition. According to the Federal Immigration and Nationality Act, INA 274A(a)(1)(A): (Section 274)

A person (including a group of persons, business, organization, or local government) commits a federal felony when she or he:

assists an alien s/he should reasonably know is illegally in the U.S. or who lacks employment authorization, by transporting, sheltering, or assisting him or her to obtain employment, or

encourages that alien to remain in the U.S. by referring him or her to an employer or by acting as employer or agent for an employer in any way, or

knowingly assists illegal aliens due to personal convictions.

NOTE: That's all a direct quote, folks. I take no responsibility for the above "s/he" bullshit or other jargon. --Alan

Okay, that's cleared up. But the next question is "Why is it illegal in the first place?" I know it's a good question because I have asked myself the very same thing, and it is deserving of an answer. I searched high and low for that answer from someone wiser than myself, and the best one I've seen reads as follows:

Apologists for illegal immigration like to paint it as a victimless crime. But in fact, illegal immigration causes substantial harm to American citizens and legal immigrants, particularly those in the most vulnerable sectors of our population--the poor, minorities, and children.

Illegal immigration causes an enormous drain on public funds. The seminal study of the costs of immigration by the National Academy of Sciences found that the taxes paid by immigrants do not cover the cost of services received by them. We cannot provide high quality education, health care, and retirement security for our own people if we continue to bring in endless numbers of poor, unskilled immigrants.

Additionally, job competition by waves of illegal immigrants willing to work at substandard wages and working conditions depresses the wages of American workers, hitting hardest at minority workers and those without high school degrees.

Illegal immigration also contributes to the dramatic population growth overwhelming communities across America--crowding school classrooms, consuming already limited affordable housing, and straining precious natural resources like water, energy, and forestland.

-Quoted from this site. (Opens in a new window.)

Now that we've cleared the air on that point, let's get to the part you've come here for: Me bitching about it.

It's a given that the majority of our illegals, far and away, come from Mexico. In fact, Mexicans so dominate the tallies of illegal immigrants to this country that the others are negligible

Why are we getting so many illegal aliens here in the first place? There are lots of reasons, but the short answer is that Mexico is a socialist country whose government doesn't permit the ownership of private property, such as land. If you didn't sleep through most of your high school civics class, you'll remember that Socialism can't work for very long without a free market economy to prop it up, (read: feed upon). Like a vindictive turd you just can't cut free from your ass hairs, Mexico is slowly circling the toilet bowl and is trying to drag us down with it.

But I know you people and your goddamned whiny-assed prattle about how they just come here to work and they've got a right to migrate and blah blah blah. You're full of shit. Mexico's economy is none of our business and it never has been. Their lack of jobs is none of our business and it never has been. We are not responsible for Mexico's cockroach-infested rathole of an economy and we never were. Mexican poverty is not something you can lay at the feet of Americans and claim it's somehow our fault and it never should be.

Stop feeling guilty over something you didn't have a hand in, people. I know that all these "special interest groups", (read: proffessional whiners), in this country have conditioned you to assume fetal position whenever you get accused of wrongdoing, even when it's something literally hundreds of years in the past, but believe me when I tell you that we have no obligation to do anything for these people who won't help themselves. (On a side note: In case you delusional people think that we are somehow looked upon as angels of mercy and kindness in this country, don't travel. The world as a whole hates our guts and will gladly kill us, given a chance. Just try vacationing down in Central America and see what happens to you.)

Getting back to the point, they know they're in trouble, but instead of looking to reform their sorry-ass state and work toward real, sustainable change, they promote stagnation by encouraging citizens to actively travel abroad in search of work and remitting foreign funds, among other things. Mexico has hit rock bottom and is kept going purely by drug trade and illegal aliens mooching off of us and dragging our dollars south of the border with them. There. I said it. This whole thing is lopsided and we're too stupid to put an end to it. Like all systems that are way out of balance, eventually we will strike equilibrium. ...or will we?

I daresay that we WON'T. Mexico has fed upon itself until there was nothing left, and now it's feeding on us too. There is a drain on the Mexican end of this thing and it's getting worse all the time. (Official figures show that "migration" (read: illegal immigration) is at an all-time high) Don't believe what the Mexican President of the Week tells you about wanting to stop illegal aliens and drug traffic. He's full of shit. Those are the only things that are keeping him and his little third world country going. I suppose you want proof of this assertion, so here you go. This was published by the Mexican government on or around January 5, 2005
Click here. (Opens in a new window.)

Also:
Click here. (Opens in a new window.)

The Mexican government has also recently published a new document along the same lines. (link) (Opens in a new window.)

It's chief difference was that it was not done in a "comic book" style as was the original.(This site has the origial document along with english translations of each page. The link opens in a new window.)

But to get back on the drain remittances to Mexico is causing, I found this quote from President Fox himself:

"Remittances 'are our biggest source of foreign income, bigger than oil, tourism or foreign investment,' Fox told reporters after a meeting with Mexican-American businessmen.

'The 20 million Mexicans in the United States generate a gross product that is slightly higher than the $600 billion generated by Mexicans in Mexico,' Fox said, adding that his country has the ninth-largest economy in the world.

'If we could add up the two products, Mexico would be the third or fourth economy in the world,' he said."
Source: San Diego Union-Tribune

Of fucking course Mexico isn't wanting to stop the flow of illegals. The total remittances back to Mexican soil is over $16 billion annually!

Further, Mexico has committed some 118 acts of war against the United States in the last five years, (as of January 26, 2006), by invading US soil and on some occasions actually firing upon US citizens. SOURCE (Opens in a new window.)

In summary, Mexico:

Can not or will not care for it's citizens and encourages remittance of foreign funds, which is, to my eyes, a form of theft,

Fosters a society in which it is preferable to cut and run rather than take responsibility and bring about change,

Crosses our Southern border with impunity with its military, (read: Invades US soil whenever the fuck they feel like it,)

Is audacious enough to demand that we allow MORE immigrants from Mexico.

So here's the big question, people: Why are we off halfway around the world fighting with ragheads that want nothing more than to kill each other when we have greasy little bastards in our own back yard who are already shooting at us, robbing us blind and daring to make demands of us to allow them to do so easier? I think we should focus more on our own borders, especially the southern one.

Tell me, how does that fucking taco taste now?

2006-01-23T16:24:00.000-06:00

Politically Incorrect

Political correctness... Everyone in this country over the age of ten knows what it is, and I daresay that somewhat less than half of this demographic has come to accept and uphold it in everyday life. Personally, I have tolerated these verbal atrocities for far too long out of you assholes who use language to hide your sins, and I honestly feel that you've been feeding it to people for so long that they're starting to believe it. Because of you, the PC minority, we have become a nation of weak-spined, mealy-mouthed dispassionate assholes who care nothing for the suffering of others.

Want proof? I swear to God, I actually saw a branch clinic of the local hospital called a "Wound Care Center" What the fuck ever happened to a plain old hospital? Ah, I remember. They became "Medical Centers". Cram your "People of Color" jargon and your annoying "s/he" bullshit in magazines. It's not a "Behavioral Health Facility", it's an insane asylum. It's not "bathroom tissue" it's toilet paper. Handicapped people are not "Differently Abled". Hell, they're not even handicapped, they're crippled.

While we're at it, spare me the crap about how I'm not in touch with my feminine side. Of course I'm not in touch with my feminine side. I don't have a feminine side. I'm male, I like chicks, (the more scantily clad the better), and I stand up when I piss. If you have a feminine side and testicles, you're gay.

And STOP with the BCE / CE crap. Not only is it cumbersome, it makes absolutely no sense. For those of you who don't know what this means, it stands for "Before Common Era" and "Common Era". Somebody, somewhere decided that the Gregorian calendar that everybody else in this country uses was offensive because BC and AD had Christian religious overtones. (In case you're wondering, BC and AD stand for "Before Christ and "Anno Domini" e.g.The Year of our Lord)) Stop being stupid. This is supposed to be more polite toward non-christians. Bullshit. You've already taken away all thier holidays and tried to make them feel bad for wanting to celebrate them, and now you want to cock-up their calendar too? Somebody please shoot these motherfuckers off their high-horse. Besides, the new "PC" dating system is based on exactly the same event in history.

I even found this quote on a pro-BCE / CE website. (Yeah... a website based on calendar prescripts... wow. Just... wow.) "So never mind the "political correctness" angle -- just look at it in terms of politeness, consideration, and accuracy." SOURCE (Opens in a new window.)

Let me see if I get this straight... You PC assholes are trying to make the term Politically Correct, politically correct! HA! The downward spiral begins! Having run your course in sterilizing the language of all humanity, the only thing left that is offensive in your jargon is yourself. And you are offensive.

These people are crusaders of a sort, but without papal sanction. They want to make language bland and unthreatening by hacking out or grossly mutilating any words or phrases that might possibly offend someone. There's no life left in language in thier dystopian ideal, and they want to force it on you, whether you like it or not. They've already made several changes that I refuse to kowtow to, but the media just accepts as gospel. Before you know it, the spineless media assholes will start referring to people as "suicide victims". Oh, wait a minute... they already do! SOURCE (Opens in a new window.)

Here's something you PC idiots ought to know: You can't be a victim if you do it to yourself. These morons aren't "suicide victims", they're suicides. The definition of a victim is "One who is harmed or killed by another: a victim of a mugging." SOURCE (Opens in a new window.)

Yeah yeah, I know what you're thinking. "But the fourth preference of the definition of victim is "A person who suffers injury, loss or death as a result of a voluntary undertaking!"

There's a reason that it's listed fourth. Because it's not the first, second or third. It's the third place loser. You people are fucking up english. Besides, if you kill yourself on purpose, you're not worthy of any sympathy of mine. You're an idiot. Thanks for phasing yourself out of the gene pool. I only hope you've not bred.

To all of you who would condemn me for insisting on a world where language is descriptive, vibrant and filled with life: Do you people know how stupid you sound? Have you even listened to yourself? You are not dignifiably challenged or respectfully disadvantaged. You do not have a social learning disorder: You're pathetic.

Oh, one last thing. If you believe that I am in error and that I have overstepped my bounds, or if I have given you particular offense, please allow me to offer my most sincere apologies.

2006-01-13T22:54:00.000-06:00

More Thoughts

Probably the only thing worse than burying your dead dog is digging a hole to bury it in and winding up uncovering another dead dog.

Why don't we have canned pizza or hamburgers?

If euthanasia is humane, why did they come down so hard on Dr. Kavorkian?

Common sense is no match for uncommon stupidity.

Next time you get into a fight, try this: After you finish beating the hell out of the guy, walk over and smash his buddy right in the fucking teeth. When he asks you what that was for, tell him you knew that was something he would want. He should appear puzzled, pissed or both. Then just tell him that you knew that five minutes after you'd left he'd have said "I wish that motherfucker would've hit ME like that..."

Have you ever tried to pop the pimples on your ass? It's difficult.

The military invented a special speaker and microphone setup that was designed strictly for use in monitoring enemy submarine activity. Since it's declassification, marine biology researchers have finally been able to harness the technology for more mundane porpoises.

My favorite mixed drink is Milk of Magnesia and Vodka. It's a Phillips Screwdriver.

What do you call a wad of snot between two scabs? A booger burger.

If we have a Dawn of Time, shouldn't we have a Dusk of Time? Or what about an Afternoon of Time? But if we have an Afternoon of Time, we would have to have a Noon of Time, wouldn't we? Possibly it's euro-centric and we might have a Tea of Time. Or it could the that the dawn of time is a woman. "Hi, I'm Dawn. Dawn of Time. How are you?" Or maybe, just maybe, it's a mafia organization and we're spelling it wrong. The Don of Time. He'll make you an offer you're too busy to refuse. Moving ahead, we could also have a night of time. But if we did, we would also have to have a midnight of time. In medieval times, they believed in a Knight of time, but they were a limited and backwards people and things were simpler then. And what about the midnight of time mentioned earlier? Actually we've already looked into it, but it was too dark to make a conclusive determination. Again, in medieval times they called it a midknight of time, but realized that it sounded too silly, so they changed it to the bellybutton of time. Seriously. Look it up.

Just once I'd like to see a road sign that read "Pass With Reckless Abandon".

Nobody on earth, so far as I know, has ever died of a case of freckles.

When I was little I wanted lots of expensive toys. Unfortunately we couldn't really afford much on Dad's salary. I'd get depressed about it, but Dad used to say this to help me put things in perspective: "Once I wept that I had no shoes, 'till I met a man who had no feet. ...So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he needed them or anything, right? Besides, what was he going to do? Chase after me? In what, his Radio-Flyer wagon and a couple of steam-irons? Please. I have shoes now and can outrun a gimp like that easy. Backwards even". My case comes up for review on Thursday.

If you've ever wondered why starving artists are starving, try looking at some of their art.

Here's a tip for driving people absolutely nuts: The next time someone asks you how you're doing, tell them. Honestly. 100%. "Well, my blood sugar is up to 375 and I can't get it down. An ingrown toenail is driving me apeshit; I think it's infected. My hemmorhoids are acting up and it's painful to wipe my ass, you know? They must be hanging a good half an inch out of my asshole from what I can feel with my fingers, but there's no blood today. On top of that, I have a case of the screaming shits, and it's a really light tan in color with the consistancy of orange juice. I'd swear I was shitting broken glass. This penile yeast infection is raging out of control too. God I wish it would just fall off! In addition to itching all the time and burning like razor cuts, it makes my piss smell really funny. When I heal up I think I'm going to schedule a circumcision to make things easier next time I get one. How've you been?"

2006-01-02T22:29:00.000-06:00

A Fairy Tale

Once upon a time in a land far, far away there lived a little man. The little man had a little wife and they lived in a little blue house on a nice little street. He even had a nice little dog. Things were good for the little man. He had car payments and house payments and his nice little wife would give him a nice little blowjob every once in a while.

Then the big, bad telephone company came and told the little man that he needed a telephone. The little man tried to tell the telephone company that he didn't need one, but they insisted. Seeing that the little man couldn't be persuaded, they went to the little woman and talked her into getting a telephone and offered many new amazing services for free* if they would just sign up. But the little woman couldn't hear the asterisk at the end of the telephone company's "free" and fell for their evil scheme.

Thus began the days of darkness.

Of the many amazing things that the evil telephone company offered was an amazing plan that let you call anywhere in the whole wide United States for free. The little man was angry at his little wife at first, but slowly, he began to use the free long distance plan because it was always billed as a local call, no matter where he called and how long he talked.

The little man and the little woman were very happy with the telephone for a long time and everything continued to get better and better. In fact, the little man and little woman would sometimes work on other people's computers for fun and a little extra money so they could pay for the telephone and afford to get internet service.

The little man already had cable in his house and the local cable company gave him a special modem that let him connect to the internet really fast. He could click on links online and *whoosh!* quick as a flash, the page he wanted would come up. This was so much faster than using a phone line that the little man quit using it altogether for internet service.

They fixed so many computers so fast and so good that word spread about how good a job they did. Thus, it was not long before they got a computer to fix that didn't have an ethernet port. All it had was an old 56K modem, but they needed to check some stuff online with it because the stupid, stupid owner fucked around with her TCP/IP settings and broke her computer. The little man and the little woman thought that just because they had upgraded from dial-up to cable, their old dial-up connection would still work if their special cable modem went out.

They connected the computer to the telephone line and tried to dial the local access number, but it didn't work. So they tried again and it still didn't work. The little man started pulling his hair out. The little woman said something dumb and obvious and wouldn't even give the little man a blowjob. Eventually after a lot of silly confusion, the little man and the little woman got the computer working.

But elsewhere, the evil telephone company had a special little computer of their own that spied on the little man and the little woman. It noticed that even though the little man had unlimited long distance service, he had dialed an internet access number, albeit a local one, and it started working it's evil magic on the little man's house, and called in the Wicked Bitch of the South to write the little man and little woman a nasty, nasty letter.

The letter was delivered to the little man's house two days later. Thiis is what the letter said:

Dear little man,

HA HA HA!! We tricked you, little man! We said all your calls were going to be billed as local calls, but you are in breach of our evil, magic contract! You agreed to not call any internet numbers with your long distance service, but you did! You did! We knew you would! It was in your evil contract in microprint on the 37th page right smack in the middle!

So now little man, we are going to change your service! We're taking away your unlimted long distance and you can never, never have it back! And now that we have you in the clutches of breach of contract, we can do whatever we want to you! Whatever we want!

We said that we weren't going to bill you for long distance calls you made, but now we will! ...at twenty-five cents a minute! MWA HA HA HA!!

Now you owe us $275.60 for this month's long distance bill! Pay us, little man, or we will throw you in jail!

The little man was astounded. He didn't know what to do. He couldn't afford to pay that much money! The little woman didn't know what to do either. They were very, very sad.

Finally, in a fit of grief, the little man went outside and sat on the porch of his little blue house and looked up and down his little street. That was when he noticed the little ant that was crawling up the little sidewalk. It was carrying something way bigger than it was. It was a big bug! The little man watched the little ant wrestle with the big bug. It took a long, long time, but the little ant managed to move the big bug to where a bunch of other ants saw him and they came over to help.

The little man watched amazed as the ants all worked together to move the big bug toward their little anthill. He realized that the big bug that the little ant was trying to move was a lot like his telephone bill. It was way too much for one little bug to handle on his own, but when they worked together, they could move the big bug with no trouble at all!

The little man brought his little foot down on the ants, the big bug and the anthill. He went back inside and told the little wife to give him a little blowjob.

"Fuck it!" Said the little man as he was getting his little knob polished. "These bastards can go hang!"

The evil people with the telephone company came and took the telephone away, and the little man smiled. He was happy.

The little man declared bankruptcy a few months later and the Evil Bitch of the South, whose name was MahBelle, never ever got her $275.60.

The End.

2005-12-19T13:53:00.000-06:00

Arrest Santa!

Christmas time is here again. Carolers will be singing and the egg nog will be flowing, but there is one little catch that I think has been overlooked for way too long: Santa Claus. Every year he arrives to shunt the moral lessons of Christmas aside in leiu of mindless consumerism. In fact, it is taken to such a degree that it could be called economic terrorism.

There you have it. The obese man known as "Santa Claus" is a terrorist and should be arrested. Aside from not securing a visa before entering into the United States, he is guilty of some 65 million counts of breaking and entering every single year, targeting homes with sleeping children. He doesn't promote a good work ethic at all, only working one day a year, and his spare time is spent crushing coal to leave in children's stockings. As any mine worker can tell you, coal dust is explosive and a carcinogen.

He's building bombs and contaminating the residences of America's children.

How far will you go, Mr. Claus? Will you end your reign of terror when all the bad little girls and boys have black lung disease? And I hear that the SPCA is on your ass because your reindeer don't even have their shots. Furthermore Mr. Claus, when you don't plant a bomb in the home, must you spread strife by leaving crap that nobody wants like socks and underwear, crushing the dreams of little boys and girls across the world?

Like all terrorists, he tries to play the religion angle by calling himself by the grandiose name of "Saint Nick". David Koresh and Ann Rine come to mind here too, but I don't recall any Pope canonizing them either. And all the while he's running an elf sweatshop at the North Pole where they don't even have child labor laws and his elves are forbidden to organize.

Mr. Claus' sleigh is a danger to all and sundry. Not only is it not registered, but according to FAA regulations, an aircraft requires flashing lights on each of it's surfaces (i.e the top and bottom), in addition to running lights at the extremes of it's dimension. It is known from contemporary illustrations by eye-witnesses that Rudolph's nose is incandescent in nature and does not noticably pulsate in intensity. Furthermore, according to my calculations, his sleigh is operated in great excess of the GWR (Gross Weight Rating) assigned to his aircraft. I estimate that there are 65,718,696 (6.5 x 10^7) households in the United States alone. I further assume that each household contains an average of 2.5 children. Thus, if Mr. Claus were to leave just one present per child, including coal bombs, he would have to carry a minimum of 164,296,741 (1.6 x 10^8) pieces of cargo. Assuming each "gift" weighed just two pounds each on average, this would bring the gross cargo weight to over 150,000 tons. Given that your average sleigh is designed for safe operation up to a mere 1500 pounds, this places undue wear and tear upon the runners of his sleigh and unconscionable stress upon the reindeer. Again, the SPCA is investigating charges of animal cruelty.

Concerning Mr. Claus' method of parking, let me remind you that reindeer have cloven hooves that are murder on shingles. That's why you have to re-roof your house every few years. This is to say nothing of all the reindeer shit up there. Illegal parking and casual disregard for pooper-scooper laws are also on his list of offenses.

So that's it. We have allowed the terrorist calling himself Santa Claus to hold our country in his grip of fear and avarice for far too long. Rise up and see him in prison where he belongs! Do it for the children! After all, if you do nothing... the terrorists win.

2005-12-12T00:16:00.000-06:00

Are You Here Illegally? Go The Fuck Home!

In this country we are slopping over with illegal aliens. Millions of them. There are channels that you go through to get into this country legitimately, but very few do when compared to the ones that just slime over here on the down-low. And they are illegal aliens, not "Undocumented Immigrants". Calling them Undocumented Immigrants is exactly parallel to calling a burglar an "Uninvited House Guest".

Do you know why we don't allow unrestricted immigration? It's because we don't want useless people coming over here and getting on welfare for the rest of their lives. Do you want proof that they're useless? They're here illegally. That means they've already shown disrespect for our laws by breaking them. If they'll do it once, they'll do it again.

Concerning green cards let me just say this. When you get a green card, it means that you have a certain time limit to remain here in the United States. It does not mean that you can fucking hang out here until you're old and grey so long as you don't get caught. Let me make it simple for you: IF YOU WEREN'T BORN HERE, YOU DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO STAY HERE. That's what citizenship is all about. You have no more right to live here than I do to live in Mexico. If you want to live here, go through the process like everybody else.

And learn to speak English! It's a requirement. It is not my job nor is it even remotely sensible for me to learn a foreign tounge to communicate in my own country, although a Mexican who was here on a day-pass work visa told me I needed to learn Spanish when I was down in Laredo. "You fucking greaseball," I said, "The last time I checked, Laredo was a border town in Texas, which is located firmly inside the borders of the United States where English is the national language. This is NOT Canada. We do NOT have two national languages here. I live here and you don't. If you don't like the fact that YOU are at fault for being here when you're not supposed to then I suggest that you simply shut the fuck up and go home where you belong. Stop swimming the fucking river to take money from the US economy back down to that little shithole of a country you live in."

People who counterfeit Social Security cards need to be in prison. You aren't helping anyone but yourself and you make me sick. You're trafficing criminals, you know that?

Everybody's seen those signs for "Migrant Worker Help Centers" GET RID OF THIS SHIT ALREADY! "Oh illegal aliens are such a problem!", they say. "Hurry to your local Migrant Worker Help Center and we'll give you a handout and hook you up with farmers who like to pay only Fourty-Five bucks a day in cash with no taxes." Get serious. That's like spraying for roaches with honey and dogshit.

I have no problem with aliens who become nationalized and learn English. In fact, one of my best friends is just such a person and I love her to death. Granted she's short and talks funny, but she's a decent, productive citizen. She speaks English, she's smart, and she doesn't cringe at the word "Immagration". Let me say it again: SHE'S A PRODUCTIVE CITIZEN. These little welfare cockroaches are not.

I say we just put up a 20 foot tall, 10,000 volt electric fence on our side of the Rio Grande and pass laws that say if you're here illegally our laws don't apply to you. What will this fix? Simple. If they don't get barbecued on the north banks, we can then have our officers in Texas and California beat them like Rodney King without a trial and toss their asses back over the fence where they belong to splat back in the mud.

I hate illegal aliens. Maybe we should spray 'em with honey and dogshit and let the cockroaches carry them away.

2005-12-05T15:00:00.000-06:00

Things I've Learned About Women

Women are crazy.

That's pretty much all there is to say. Right there in a little nutshell.

Take my wife as an example. She collects things. Not the traditionally crappy things that you stuff into a curio cabinet to show off to your friends. Not those godawful fruitcake recipies that everyone hates, oh no. I mean she collects completely useless shit like newspaper sale ads and those cheap plastic bags from Wal-Mart. They're all over the place. My desk, MY DESK currently has on it a full sized sales advertisement for a local grocery store from two fucking weeks ago.

My wife, of course, thinks this is perfectly normal.

The kitchen table is covered with those damned blue bags from Wal-Mart. I don't mean they're nice and flat like a tablecloth, I mean she has bundles of these things all over the kitchen table rendering it totally useless as a dining locale. She even has wads of bags stuffed inside other bags in huge balls like big blue nutsacks. What is the point of all of this?

And holy fuck there are sales ads in my bedroom too! What the name of dogshit is up with that? Does she read sales ads before she goes to sleep at night or something? Does she enjoy curling up with a good 2 for 1 special on blackeyed peas? Am I too lowbrow to appreciate the literary qualities of Safeway publications? I think it's obvious that she's crazy. My woman, your woman, all women. They're fucking nuts.

Today she ran out to buy groceries and returned with practically nothing but condiments. What the hell? I asked her why she bought three bottles of salad dressing. Not Miracle Whip folks, salad dressing. Like Thousand Island and Ranch and Italian.

With God as my witness, this was our conversation:

Me: "Why did you get all that salad dressing?"
Her:"They were just a dollar each."
Me: "Did you get any salad stuff like lettuce?"
Her: "No, I didn't."
Me: "Do we have any salad stuff left?"
Her: "Nope. They were just a dollar each."
Me: "What was the point of buying condiments without anything to put them on?"
Her: "Well I use them for other things."

"?" Thought I. Other things?

Me: "Such as?"
Her: "Sandwiches and stuff."
Me: "Oh really? Do we have any sandwich stuff? I'm hungry."
Her: "No we don't."
Me: *blink blink*

In the words of Charlie Brown: "AAAAAUUUUGGGGHHH!!!"

Now I'm all in favor of condiments because I can't cook worth two shits and I need something to make the cinders I call food palatable, but condiments are things you put ON other things, not food by and of themselves. Even I know this. Besides, some things go together like ketchup and french fries, cheese and crackers, peanut butter and jelly, ketchup and pork steaks (Hey, this is my food, not yours. Shut the fuck up.)

I want to go on, but I just can't. My head is throbbing already.

2005-11-30T05:58:00.000-06:00

Idle Thoughts

If we have deoderant and antiperspirant, why don't we have oderant or perspirant? It seems only fair.

If Teflon really works, why can we coat frying pans with it?

Why don't the bad guys ever shoot Superman with a Kryptonite bullet?

That sign ought to read "Drive-by window", oughtn't it? Actually, "Drive-Up-And-Park-While-We-Take-Forever-To-Get-Your-Order-Straight-Window" would be more accurate. Now that I think of it though, a sign that read "Just Come In; It'll Be Easier" would probably be the most useful.

Who says you can't buy love? Hookers are everywhere.

Exactly what does the "Utility" in SUV mean? What about the "Sport" part? Is driving through the mud a sport? When did this happen? I suppose they could've called it an "Off-Road" vehicle, but then again airplanes and boats would fall under that category as well wouldn't they? Damn, I hate it when I think too much.

Someone once told me that he didn't believe in stealing. I told him he was really out of touch with reality. I think police records and my missing lawnmower will bear me out on this.

Conspiracy theorists are a group of people who work overtime to make you believe that somewhere there is a group of people who are working overtime to make you believe something.

I'll bet anything that nobody in Saudi Arabia has ever lost a snowball fight.

It's a little considered fact that turkeys do not celebrate Thanksgiving.

Who pays taxes? Do you pay taxes? I'll bet you don't. Do you sit down and write out a check to the Federal Reserve every week? No. So you don't pay taxes, they take taxes. Isn't that nice?

There ought to be a law that says that under certain circumstances you can beat the hell out of someone with an axe handle.

I think pissing in the fountain on the White House lawn should be considered freedom of expression.

Malnutrition can stunt your growth. After 20 years little Melanie from those United Christian Children's Fund commercials with Sally Struthers hasn't grown an inch. But Sally's really gotten fat, hasn't she? I think Sally is eating all Melanie's food.

An ounce of pretention is worth a pound of manure.

I always knew that boy was good for nothing but I never realized exactly how good he was at it.

99/100ths is still a "Fraction of the price."

Build a man a fire, and he is warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he is warm for the rest of his life.

2005-11-30T04:58:00.000-06:00

I Hate Your Cat

Cats. I hate cats. They're annoying, flighty, tear up your shit and get hair all over the place. Just like a woman. In women's defense, you can't fuck a cat.

Why did we ever domesticate cats? It was the Egyptians who started this empty-headed bullshit. You might say that the Egyptians were smart and cultured; I say that the Egyptians used crocodile dung as a contraceptive and literally worshipped bugs and mud. Quod Erat Demonstradum assholes. And if they thought it was a good idea to put crocodile turds up their cunts, you don't want to know what they did with cat shit. Trust me. You just don't.

You know what I really hate about cats? It's the owners of the cats. Some of them even go so far as to buy these goofy little bumper stickers that read "I Heart My Cat". So you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to make my own little bumper sticker.

That says it all, doesn't it? It'll be great to see these cat-loving pricks get all offended and tell me I should take down my page so I can stuff their faces into a wood-chipper. Then I'll put their cats in.

Besides, what can you do with a cat anyway? Play fetch? Go for a walk? Bullshit. A cat doesn't have time for you and your games. At best it'll get a kick out of destroying your furniture and taking a crap under your bed at night. I think a cat in a wood-chipper is a humane form of euthanasia

Another thing, cats get these urinary tract infections. These infections don't cause them pain, but they make it so that the cat pisses all over the place. That's right. Their health problems make you miserable. Naturally, the cat couldn't give a fuck about you and how you feel. In all likelihood your cat hates you and is trying to figure a way to get you out of it's house. Personally I don't think the vet should stop at chopping off the balls of these cats. Just keep chopping I say. Take the nuts, then the tail. Tired of him scratching up your stuff? Have him declawed. Then have him de-pawed. Hack off an ear or two. It's fun!

Watch the cat. Watch the little mongrel. Watch what it does! Even after you've surgically modified your cat as per my above suggestions and it's running around on four furry nubs, (less if you were creative and took a few legs), look closely. See that vacant expression? The big, half stoned eyes? The cat is bombed out of lt's gourd on catnip. Catnip is chewable pot for cats!

Your cat is a drug addict. You should try to get it hooked on Tylenol for giggles. It'll love that.

Happiness is kitty parts flying out of a woodchipper.

2005-11-30T04:57:00.000-06:00

Can We Deport Kanye West?

"I'm so stupid I had to have the barber carve a brain into my hair!"

There are still people in this country that aren't happy slavery and segregation came to an end. They remind you constantly of "their" people and the suffering that they apparently wish that they still had to endure. Everything is an issue with them, they remain in a state of constant paranoia, and they will never be at peace until you are in a paranoid frenzy as well.

That being said, let's talk for a minute about a man named Kanye West. Then let's talk about why I hate him.

As we all know, Hurricane Katrina recently erased a good portion of what used to be New Orleans, Louisiana, and in doing so left many people homeless, destitute and starving. The folks over at NBC decided to hold a live concert fundraiser with the proceeds to go to the American Red Cross Disaster Relief Fund. Mister West was one among many celebrities and singers who participated in the one hour special. The program was produced by NBC News and ran on the NBC broadcast network, as well as MSNBC and CNBC.

Everybody saw this.

Normally when anything is being done on the air, there is a process that is followed. Cue cards are prepared in advance for the actors on camera, the people on camera read their lines, the show goes off without a hitch, and everybody calls it a good day at work. This is just a guess on my part, and should not be confused with fact, but something tells me that these particular celebrities weren't being paid for showing up. This was supposed to be charity work. The organizers asked them to come and help, and even if they did somehow get paid, it wasn't much.

But Kanye, may he be flogged, decided to appear so he could push his own agenda. It's not enough that he's a 29 year old millionaire who owns a record label, (G.O.O.D.), with his own line of clothing, (Pastel), mind you. It's not enough that he can easily afford to publicise his opinions with his own cash. Oh no.

I'll bet you're wondering what it was that he did to set me off by now. To that, all I can say is click here. (Opens in a new window.)

If LiveJournal is being a bitch about the link above, or you want to see a slightly longer cut of the segment, try this one instead.

http://movies.crooksandliars.com/Kayne-West-Bush-Black-People.wmv

(Right-click and "save target as" 4.04MB)

He isn't some poor kid from the streets who got a break, he was a record producer who decided to cut his own album. A HOT producer that everyone wanted. This worthless piece of racist shit is about as 'street' as anyone currently enrolled at Harvard. Not only does Kanye deliberately try to stir up trouble like the retard that he is, but he can't even manage a coherent sentence. While he's busy trying to squeese about 40 different unrelated thoughts out at the same time, Mike Myers (standing to his right) is absolutely floored.

Let's be honest. Kanye is an idiot. As the photo above clearly shows, not only is he a half-wit, but he's an artificial half-wit to boot. If you want further proof of this, I refer you to the statement Doctor Kanye West made on AIDS, and his thoughts on his latest album:

According to MTV, West said "I would rather take that chance because it's important for my people. The concept of AIDS alone - my parents always told me, who are activists - that it's a man-made disease in the first place that was placed in Africa just like crack was placed in the black community to break up the Black Panther party."

And! And!!

"After I finished with 'Jesus Walks' two weeks later I walk around with it and you can't tell me it's not hot. Fuck you and your stupid ass ratings. Anybody who gives my album less than a perfect score is lowering the integrity of their own magazine. So either be a part of history or become it".

His PARENTS told him that whitey cooked up AIDS. Yeah, just like they taught us in school, right? This is racist bigotry that he never went to the trouble to check out for himself, because it's always easier to hate and blame and be paranoid when you remain willfuly ignorant of the facts. Also, notice how he refers to "his people"? He sounds like a black version of a Neo Nazi supremacist. Here's something for ya' Kanye... Not everybody has to agree with you. Not all of the time, not even some of the time. If you like to listen to your own recordings and think they're the hottest thing since the vanity mirrors you have hung in your fucking dining room so you can admire yourself, then that's fine. Personally I think your shit sucks because you did it. As for AIDS, you're absolutely right. We did invent AIDS and designed it to target black people, because you know that white people never get it. Neither do Asians, American Indians, Latinos or anyone else but black folks. You fucking shit-stir.

That's not the worst of his inane self-aggrandizing, self-messianic bilge. The fact that he is on record as criticizing the wealthy for "riding home in their Benzs and Bentleys while poor Africans starve" makes me mad enough to fuck a potted plant. Unfortunately, Kanye West could not be reached for comment as he was getting out of his stretched limousine and into his private jet.

Now let's get back to Lake New Orleans and the people stuck down there. Kanye doesn't mention who "his" people are, but from his previous statements we can safely assume he was talking about black folks. What about the hispanic, asian and white people who are still stuck up on their roof? Doesn't mention them. I gather that the thought of anyone but blacks hasn't even entered his mostly empty head.

Kanye West is rich, stupid, ignorant and racist and that's a bad combination; I just know this asshole masturbates to photos of Malcom X.

2005-11-30T04:53:00.000-06:00

You Should Watch My Language

Let's talk about language. I don't mean whether or not foreigners who come here should learn English or whether the word "a" or "an" should be used with particular vowels or consonants. I mean real language. The language that you and I both use every day. Someone recently said to me that the kind of language I use on this site is offensive. In fact, one particular reader became sufficiently offended by -paragraph two- of my previous post that they quit reading and left. Paragraph two! Holy hell!!

To this I have two things to say in response.

First and most importantly: Fuck you.
and
Second: What mental condition do you suffer from that caused you to be so offended by those particular syllables being joined together in that particular order?

George Carlin once said that there were no bad words. There may be bad thoughts, bad feelings and bad ideas, but words are completely neutral. I happen to agree.

I want to state here, once and for all, that I am bored with, tired of, and pissed at people telling me that they don't like the language I use on this site and in real life. I tend to be descriptive and passionate in my daily speech and writing, and the odd "fuck" or "goddammit" will occasionally wind up nestled in there with the rest of the kinder, gentler fare. If you can't deal with the fact that I let fly with an explitive every now and then, or that I don't have some weird religious hang-up over certain four-lettered Anglo-Saxon monosyllables, then surf your little ass off to Candyland and don't come back. I'm just a guy publishing my views and opinions, not the priest at your local Parish who's fucking an Altar Boy.

What really gets to me is that nobody can really give you a good reason why certain words are unacceptable to use. The closest I have ever gotten was to have someone just say that they take offense to them and that they don't like to hear them. I don't consider this to be support of a particular assertion so much as weak self-justification of a particular bout of whining for special treatment. Whenever someone says to you that they just don't like certain words used around them, what they're actually saying to you is that they are -demanding- that you accept their terms and personal modifications to your constitutional right to freedom of speech. They are literally being dictators of their own little banana republics, possibly even wearing the same, and conscripting you into their servitude for so long as they are within earshot. Well guess fucking what Mr. Manuel Noreiga Jr.? This is MY dictatorship, not yours. If you find something offensive on this page or don't like the words coming out of my mouth, GO AWAY.

But since whining seems to be the order of the day, what if I, from this point forward, decided to take offense to personal pronouns? Incredibly self-important things aren't they? What if the pronoun "I" was declared by me to be the most offensive word in the English language and I insisted that it not be used in my presence on the grounds that it was self-indulgent and arrogant?

Everybody would think that I was a total fucking wack-job, that's what. Especially since it's -exactly the same thing-. Look up the origin and villivication of the word "nigger" over time to see what I'm talking about if you don't believe me. Because I know that you're all too lazy to actually check it out on your own, I've done the work for you. Click here. (Opens in a new window.)

And in case you're all pissy that I used the word "nigger" above, start liking it. QUOTE: "According to lexicographers, the ultimate origin of the word "nigger" is in the Latin niger meaning black." SOURCE. (Opens in a new window.)

The phrase is even highlighted for you so you can't miss it.

(UPDATE - 11/02/05: Google apparently took offense to my previous cache search and link for the same. I'm guessing because it contained the word nigger. The new hyperlink should work without their nanny-bots fucking with it. Fighting the world! Yay!)

It just means "black", folks, and that's all it has ever meant. But since you moral crusaders, who happen to be superior on some absolute scale, have a pathological need to dramatize petty nothings and villify a word and anyone who uses it, it's suddenly derogatory? Because you said so?!?

You're a piece of shit.

By whose authority are you given the right to condemn the speech of another? Constitutionally you don't have a leg to stand on, and for all you holy-rollers out there reading this, the King James Bible makes no provisions either; you're just being a selfish dick... again. The act of imposing your standards on someone else, especially over the manner in which they are allowed to express themselves through speech, is a crime against humanity of the highest order, (I am NOT saying that you should be allowed to mutilate your own body or cause physical or financial harm to someone else. Stop trying to put words in my mouth.), and it hearkens back to the times when women weren't allowed to read and it was acceptible to own another human being.

If you happen to be one of those precious people who think that it's perfectly acceptable for a black person to call someone a nigger, but if anyone else does it they're some skinhead, white-supremacist, then I hope you get hit by a fucking bus. You're too stupid to live. Ditto for the words "Cunt", "Fuck", "Piss" and any other random ordering of syllables that gets your panties in a bunch.

I have always maintained that anyone who finds certain words offensive, (not actions folks, words), is in serious need of professional help. It's not like you hear something and it causes you to develop AIDS or cancer of the asshole. It's a fucking WORD. I figure that it's a neurosis of some kind brought about by a good, wholesome Christian upbringing in the deep south, where it's still acceptable in "polite society" to call someone a nigger, but not say "fuck".

Concerning 'polite society': I think you're all a bunch of self-fallating, upper-middle-class business criminal failures and Ivy League dropouts with severe personality defects where cash is concerned. You feel the need to prove to your phony friends, to the world and to yourselves that you are somehow superior to the great unwashed masses out there and so choose to make taboo a handful of the most non-threatening words imaginable to separate yourselves from the rest of society. It's a real thrill for you and your friends from the country club to go to the local titty ba.... oops! I mean "Gentlemen's Club" and buy a "couch-dance" from what amounts to a legal hooker, just as long as your wives who are fucking the mailman and the paperboy when you're gone don't find out. Ever wonder why your kids don't look like you, Geoffery Vanderpool III? I'm sure your fellow classmen at the Community College you flunked out of could give you a categorical answer. Polite Society indeed.

It would sure be nice if everyone would lose this thin skin they have over a few choice words in the language. But heaven forbid that people actually start to think for themselves. What would Wal-Mart and McDonald's do? Ditto for Dockers, Sketchers, FUBU, Prada and those assholes over at Ambercrombie and Fitch? We'd have an economic crisis on our hands that would make the recent spikes in oil prices look like the political dick-waving that it was.

For shit's sake I wish people would just let Darwin do his stuff.

2005-11-30T04:52:00.001-06:00

Men Are Hornier Than Women: An Essay

The other day I asked myself “Who’s hornier, men or women?” The answer that immediately rocketed through my mind was: “Men, you silly shit!”

Before you break out your fucking Cosmopolitan and Ms. magazines and start wagging them at me with tales of Mandy Moore and her in-depth guest articles that nobody ever reads anyway, just shut the fuck up before you even get started. I don’t care.

I have had women tell me that they get as "bothered as a wet cat" and need release every so often, but they’re just "better at controlling it than men are". While I find this sentiment amusing, arrogant, wrongheaded and I’m always up for baptizing a cat, it cannot possibly compare. Further, if you can control it, it ain't being horny.

Let’s say that you’re female and you’ve not been laid since the Reagan Administration. A guy you’ve known for a while hears about it and he’s a pretty good friend of yours, so he hits you with a line like, “Misty, you know we've been friends for a long time and I understand what you're going through with you feeling pent up like a wet cat and all... If you could make it up here I'd be glad to help you out with an orgasm or two.” What’s going to happen? That’s right. The woman’s going to back up like a welfare recipient from work and try her best to think of a way to turn him down without making him feel like shit. …if she likes him. Most likely she’ll come up with some bullshit excuse like how he reminds her of her little brother (whether she has one or not) and that she doesn’t want to ruin a friendship.

I ask you, what could be a better way of letting someone know you’re friends than by having sex with them?

Now let’s turn it around. Let’s say you’re a guy who’s been doing without any action for a really long time, like two weeks, and a girl you’ve known since high school and have been pretty good friends with hears that you’re having a *ahem* “hard time alone”, so to speak. She calls you up and tells you, “Mark, I know you’re really horny and everything. That’s so sad. Why don’t you drive the 100 miles up here and I’ll fuck you like a beast. You know… just friends.” Provided that your name is Mark, you’ll be out the door and on the way so fast your wife won’t even have time to ask you where you’re going. If your name isn’t Mark you’ll probably be pissed for a second or two, but then you’ll go up there anyway to see if you can manage to get laid.

To put it another way, a man will stare at a woman licking an ice cream cone until at least an hour after she’s finished with it. A woman will not stare at a man eating the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone with his tongue. She’ll think he’s being disgusting.

Also, spare me the crap about being repressed by society. That does NOT make you hornier than men, it just makes you repressed. While you’re busy being repressed all over the place we’re not getting laid at all! This doesn’t solve anything, it just leads us to be even hornier than we were before you told us you “didn’t think the time was right” or some other rattle-brained bullshit.

So come on girls, give us a break. We’re hornier because we can’t have sex on demand like women can. It’s true. And as for being repressed, how repressed do you think WE are? Every time we ask for sex we get lied to and we have to go jerk off.

I told this to a girl once and she said that I was wrong. (Can you believe that?) She said that women can’t get laid whenever they want to. (Obviously in error again) If a woman wants cock, all she has to do is ask. It’s that simple. Okay, so you didn’t get that ONE dick that you really wanted… For every one goober you couldn’t suck like it was for the Olympic Tryouts, how many more have you turned away? Huh-oh! Dilemma! Twisting the brain!!

The fact is that we are in a higher state of horniness because we can’t control when and where we get any action to the degree women can. If we had pussy thrown at us like women do cock, we might be less horny too, (but I doubt it).

Item: Women can turn down sex easier than men because they’ve had it offered to them at least 4 times a day since they were 14. How? Because every time a man is being nice to you he’s trying to get into your pants.

“Can I get the door for you?” means “Want some cock?”
“Here, let me help you with that.” means “Want some cock?”
“Ladies’ Night Tonight” means “Come On In And Get Some Cock.”

I think you see it my way.

If anyone cares to prove me wrong you can email me at awortman@grnco.net with the subject heading “I WANT TO PROVE YOU WRONG” (females only please) If I think you’re cute and horny enough, we can get together to discuss things in depth.

**TIP** The hornier you are the cuter you get.

2005-11-30T04:52:00.000-06:00

Let's Have People Season!

Think about all the people you know. Think about how many of them are dicks, jerks, pond-scum and loads that would've been best swallowed. (Pay attention girls) Think about the people you meet every day and how many of them should be canditates for 4th trimester abortions. Sucks, doesn't it?

Fear not! I have found a solution to our society's woes. Let's face it, prison doesn't really get the customers that it needs, and the legal system is far too expensive. We're currently overpopulating the planet beyond what our resources can maintain and this just leads to more and more jerks for you to deal with in the future.

So what do we do?

Simple. Let's learn a lesson from your friendly fish and wildlife commision and have a one-day season on people. Your limit is a single individual. It can be anyone you want in the world, and it doesn't matter how long you've known them. It works like this.

Two months before season opens you apply for a tag. You must be at least 18 years of age and have to have sucessfully completed a hunter's safety course. About a week before the season opens, your "people tag" arrives in the mail with specific rules changes and regulations on firearms and ammunituion that you'll need to know about. Finally, at 6AM on the day of the season, you're free to kill anyone you want over the age of 18. As long as you have them tagged by the time the Sheriff arrives, (On the big toe. It saves time for the coroner, who's bound to be busy on this day.), and can present the tagged body to the official, you get off scot free.

I know this sounds horrible, but think about the possibilities: Funeral homes would LOVE this shit. They'd make a killing! (Yeah, it was a pun, fuck off), annoying bastards would be removed from society forever, the firearms manufacturers and makers of bulletproof vests would all benefit from an economic boost, the population problem would begin to diminish, and just THINK about how much more polite and considerate everyone would be during the rest of the year!

Now of course you're going to have poachers. You know the kind I mean. The jerks that want to go over the limit and don't want to play by the rules. Since they would doubtless be exactly the kind of cocks that would wind up getting tagged themselves, the sheriff (aka game warden for the day) just shoots these people on the spot. It's foolproof.

I think this plan is a rock-solid winner and could do nothing but good. And while we're at it, maybe if you got your application in early enough you could get a bonus "kid-tag", kind of like doe tags. Wouldn't have to worry about those little fuckers popping off to you anymore would you? I'm betting that they'd stay out of your yard, too. Charlton Heston and the NRA are gonna love this shit, I tell ya'.

To tell the truth, I believe that it's human nature to want to kill that which annoys, and people are among the most annoying things on the face of the earth, so let's get to shootin'!

Call Congress! Let's get some legislation here!

Who's with me!?!

2005-11-30T04:51:00.001-06:00

Are You 15 Years Old? You Might Need The Shit Beaten Out Of You.

Something in this country is fucked up. I mean bad fucked up. Today I was witness to a 15 year old boy getting an old disabled man so angry by taunting him that he threatened to pop a few knots on this kid's head. The little bastard dared the man to hit him, knowing full well that he was protected under the law.

I think this is horseshit.

If you goad someone into hitting you, that should be your ass and nobody else's. I'm sick to death of this rattle-brained bullshit about protecting kids. I don't necessarily believe in child abuse, but if they ask for it, then let 'em have it I say. It's one thing to tell them that stealing those cars and getting a fucking police record is not cool, but even godammed animals know better than to jump on something twice their size. If the kid is wanting to fight, let him. There'll be a lot less fights that way.

Kids in this country are far too well protected if you ask me. They can take guns to school and shoot each other and live in a children's home until they're 21... Unless you're a black boy in Florida. Then they give you life in prison.

I earnestly believe that if you allow these wise-assed brats to get their head knocked loose from their ears once in a while, they might just start thinking things over before they say them. But back to the story with the annoying asshole...

I eventually ended the mess by telling fuckstick that I wasn't going to hit him, I was just going to tear off all his clothes and send him running back home naked as the day he was born, and then the whole neighborhood could laugh at how little his dick was. (This is a deadly insult to a 15 year old boy.) He told me I was fat. I told him he was a titty-baby and probably needed his diaper changed. Besides, I would have a witness that would swear that he pulled a knife on me. (He didn't, but it would have been sworn to anyway.)

I think the cum-stain actually pissed himself before all was said and done.

If only we could get the city to raise the speed limit to 90 miles per hour on the back streets.

2005-11-30T04:51:00.000-06:00

More Online Bullshit?

This is something of a rebuttal of an article I found the day before Halloween on MSN. I don't think that it is as well written as some of my previous offerings, but it is brutally honest if nothing else. The author's original comments follow the questions in quotation marks. My personal responses to these questions are below this in italics.

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10 Bloodcurdling Lines That Scare Men Most
By Bob Strauss, the total pussy.

Halloween's here, so brace yourselves for a real horror: Most guys would rather fling themselves into a pit of flesh-eating zombies than grapple with the age-old dating issues they're truly terrified by. Here are some things you should be careful not to say the equivalent of sneaking up behind your boyfriend and yelling "Boo!"

"Does your bathroom always look like this?"

Granted, a three-hour burst of frenzied scrubbing is no substitute for diligent, long-term maintenance. Guys are terrified of coming off as slobs, so better to praise the 45 percent that's clean than criticize the 55 percent that's not.

No. Generally it's worse. NEWS FLASH: GUYS DON'T GIVE HALF A SHIT ABOUT WHAT THEIR BATHROOM LOOKS LIKE. The man who wrote this drivel is a pussy. It's not hard to keep a bathroom clean for christ's sake. Step 1: Scrub toilet. Estimated Time Required (ETR): Three minutes. Step 2: Clean sink. ETR: Three more minutes. Step 3: Put away hygenic supplies. ETR: Thirty seconds. This looks like six and a half minutes to me. If it takes you three hours to do these simple tasks, then this pussy is right and you are a slob. Shame on you.

"By the way, we're having dinner with Edgar and Diane next week."
If a guy's not scared enough that you're already doing "couple" things, scheduling them without consultation (and especially during Monday Night Football) is sure to make him run screaming into the night.

More shit about football? First, I loathe football. And who is this sorry excuse for an adult suggesting that I have a problem going out to dinner? I can only assume that this man is habitually a basket case that can't make eye contact.

"You're not really going to wear that, are you?"
Just because we've been dressing ourselves for twenty or thirty years doesn't mean we're not open to suggestions. But most guys, when they hear this question, break out in a cold sweat and picture themselves in a tutu and ballet slippers.

I'd like to know who the hell this over-sensitive asshole is. Firstly, I can and shall wear any goddammed thing that I choose to wear. The only exception to this would be... Wait. I take that back. There are no exceptions to that rule. Not only can I dress myself, but I know what looks tacky. I neither desire nor require anyone else's input.

"Don't worry, kitty won't bite."
No, she won't bite, but she'll scratch, shed and shred furniture. It's a known scientific fact (you can look it up) that, way deep down, 75 percent of guys are terrified of cats.

A known scientific fact, eh? This sounds like psychology to me, and it is hardly an exact science. Who the fuck is terrified of a housecat? A wild tiger maybe, but not something 1/20th my size. By the way, good job on citing a proper source for this piece of shit *fact* you just made up. Reeeal smooth asshole. Kitty may not bite, but I fucking guarantee you she'll punt a good twenty yards.

"I don't think I care for your friend Jimmy."
So what if Jimmy covered your back during that sixth-grade dodgeball game and you've been bosom buddies ever since? No guy wants a new relationship to crowd out his old friends. More to the point, no guy wants his old friends to accuse him of being "whipped" by his new gal pal.

If you're this pussywhipped to allow a piece of patch that you just met to interfere with a long-standing friendship with a guy who is like a brother to you, then you're someone that I don't ever want to meet. To turn it around, if my woman has a friend that I can't stand, I tell her so and further inform her that I will not be hanging out with said offending individual. I don't ask permission to be excused, I announce my decision.

"What are you thinking?"
Such a simple question, and yet so fraught. Here's a peek into the average guy's thought processes: Does she want an honest answer? Does she want me to make something up? If I say the wrong thing, will she send me to clean the bathroom?

Bullshit. If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would tell you. Jesus Christ, are people so insecure in this country that they become intimidated by meaningless open-ended questions? The "Average Guy" that this twit keeps rambling about sure is giving the rest of us a bad name. Girls, don't believe any of this guy's drivel. He's just writing this in hopes that he might somehow get laid as a result.

"My mom and dad really want to meet you."
No guy expects to be liked by his girlfriend's parents; mild disapproval would be a good outcome, and homicidal loathing is always a distinct possibility. And, of course, today's girlfriend's mom is tomorrow's mother-in-law.

I want to meet them too. If I can't get along with them, then I won't be able to stay with the girl. My in-laws and I went through this because her dad's a dick. After the smoke cleared, it was understood that I wasn't to be fucked with because I'd tie his asshole in a knot. In related news, I'm kicking my brother-in-law's ass as soon as he turns 18 on general principles.

"You were snoring, so I slept on the couch."
One of the great things about being alone, and then not being alone, is all the wonderful things you learn about your sleeping habits. Go easy on the revelations; if things work out, you and your beau will have plenty of time to accommodate each others' nocturnal quirks.

Yeah, I snore. So do you. If you want to sleep on the couch, that's fine. More room on the bed for me. Besides, if being told that you snore crushes your soul, then you have a bigger pussy that your woman does.

"Great news! My sister/friend/cousin is engaged/married/pregnant."
Competition, from a guy's point of view, is a powerful thing. It may or may not be what you intended, but when your boyfriend hears this, he visualizes himself with a big red target painted on his back. (Or some other part of his anatomy.)

I visualize a what? Target? Bullshit. I visualize fucking your sister/friend/cousin. My response to this phrase is invariably, 'That's nice', with a 'So what?' hidden somewhere between the lines. I couldn't care less that your friend Jamie got knocked up. She fucked some guy and got sloppy. She'll have a baby. Call me when that happens and I'll see if I care then.

"Does this dress make my hips look big?"
I once knew a guy who ripped his own head off rather than answer this question. Believe me, he's much better off.

If the dress emphasizes your fat ass then I'll say so. An insincere compliment is an insult. It implies that you are allowed to lie to someone by telling them what they want to hear, and that they're going to be stupid enough to believe you. If I'm feeling nice, then I'll simply tell you that I don't like the dress in the first place. Besides, if you do have a fat ass, there is no article of clothing in the world that can hide this fact. Stop being such a shallow bitch and put down the goddammed "Death By Chocolate"!

I feel better now.

2005-11-30T04:50:00.000-06:00

Are You A Racist? Then You Should Support The United Negro College Fund!

The United Negro College Fund is an insult to minorities. It treats them like token trophies. If you look at their website, (here), (Opens in a new window.) the majority of what is talked about consists of famous, (and not so famous), black people who have attended 'Historically Black Universities'.

My question to you is, if "A mind is a terrible thing to waste", why are they so concerned with just the ones in a dark brown wrapper? It's racism!

This is legal only because it is a private fund and not federally regulated.

A friend of mine told me that it was very difficult to recieve a grant from the UNCF, so I did some research. The following is a direct unedited quote from the UNCF website:

To be considered for a UNCF administered scholarship, you must meet certain basic eligibility requirements:
1. Students must have a minimum grade point average of 2.5 on a 4.0 scale
2. Students must have unmet need as verified by the university financial aid office
3. Students must complete the Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FASFA)
4. Students must request that the Student Analysis Report (SAR) be sent to the financial aid office at their college or university

It looks to me that you must have a passing GPA, fill out a form, request that a report be sent to the financial aid office where they want to attend school and finally have some ambiguous 'unmet need' as determined by the finance department at the university that you are applying to... like not being able to afford tuition on your own perhaps?

In fairness, the UNCF is only one of -many- such scholarship programs that serve minorities exclusively. That being said, I still think that racism is racism. Awards of scholarship should never be administered based on ethnicity, creed, sex or sexual preference. In other words, if you're too stupid to make dumping tens of thousands of dollars in grant money on worthwhile, then you shouldn't be enrolled in college.

I posted this at this site (Opens in a new window.)

in response to this article:

"A student group at Roger Williams University in Rhode Island is offering a $250 scholarship to which only whites can apply. [Article] Applicants must write an essay on "why you are proud of your white heritage." Pictures must accompany the essay to verify the applicates white skin color. The group fronting the scholarship, the College Republicans, initally offered only $50 until two donors came up with $100 each. The scholarship is being offered to protest affirmative action. The group president called it a parody of minority scholarships. "We think that if you want to treat someone according to character and how well they achieve academically, then skin color shouldn't really be an option," he said. "Many people think that coming from a white background you're automatically privileged, you're automatically rich and your parents pay full tuition. That's just not the case." While the scholarship has naturally upset many, the university refuses to intervene."

[EDIT: The following paragraph was posted by another user which touched off a massive debate that I got involved in the latter half of.]

If this is what it takes to fight the biased and racial predjudice of affirmative action and minority scholarships, let's do it. I don't see how minorities can be upset. It's only $250 dollars, they're already qualified for hundreds of scholarships white students can't even apply for, and they already benefit from institutionalized affirmative action. How hypocritical is this? If you feel that a white-only scholarship is unfair, then I think you've tasted your own medicine. Personally, I don't care about minority scholarships. I don't really care if someone tries to offer a white-only scholarship. But if minorities and their wanna-be-minorities liberal buddies are taking offense, I can't stand by without mocking them. Minorities are starting to act like whites used to in the pre-emancipation days. Do they expect us to take them seriously? They can have their raced-based scholarships, but we can't? What are they out? They aren't paying for it. It's money they wouldn't have had anyway. They just want in on everything and don't want the majority race to have the same benefits guaranteed the minorities. It's hypocrisy in its purest form and it's sadly laughable.

My post, (and the ensuing argument it ignited), follows:

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#13 Alan - 3.28.2004 @ 03:17
Hello all,

I believe that we can all agree that a group being qualified for a scholarship due to skin color is not only discriminatory, but by it's very definition racist.

The goal of a so-called 'colorblind society' can not be achieved if we constantly expound upon our differences in this manner. If the minorities of this country want to be treated the same as "everyone else", stop loudly pointing out how you are different. You can't eat your cake and have it too.

Fair play is a two-way street.

Alan

#14 chimx - 3.28.2004 @ 04:47
i think the point is that "minorities" are faced with a more difficult time entering into a system of upward social/economic mobility due to some forms of prejudicial forces at work as can be shown by the disproportionate economic classes based on racial distinctions, or the lack of racial diversity within the prison system. white-only scholoarships are just a means of spitting on the idea of upward social mobility for non-white american citizens.

#15 K1 - 3.28.2004 @ 05:48
I'll play that game, chimx. Minority only scholarships are just a means of spitting on the idea of upward social mobility for white Americans. Your a hypocrit if you disagree.

#16 chimx - 3.28.2004 @ 14:43
statistically speaking, white americans aren't in need of upward social mobility. they're already the cream of the crop. i would that thought that was self-explanatory.

#17 K1 - 3.28.2004 @ 18:40
So you condone denying opportunity to people based on their perceived socio-economic status as well as their skin color?

#18 Alan - 3.29.2004 @ 00:59
I would like to know from where you get your statistics, Chimx. K1 has an excellent point in post 15: If fair is fair, then fair is fair. Personally I find scholarships based on skin color to be an insult to everyone. Unfortunately they are legal to dispense in this manner due to their being meted out by private institutions, not government funds.

Alan

(Why does this sound like a freshman sociology 101 debate?)

#19 Comment by chimx on 3.29.2004 @ 02:25 Removed by Administrator

#20 MrAnonymous - 3.29.2004 @ 09:35
Here is chimx's comment, cleaned up a little bit:

"So you condone denying opportunity to people based on their perceived socio-economic status as well as their skin color?"

why is this so complicated for you to understand? i'll say it slowly. Stastically, there is a disproportionate amount of impoverished people of color in the united states compared to the socio-economic levels of white people. The very nature of scholarships is to give underprivileged people a chance to goto higher education institutions. If people of color tend to be more underprivileged than other social classes (ie. white men), creating a means for them to obtain upward social mobility would provide a means of balancing out the economic discrepencies based on race in the united states.

So to answer your question: yes. Is it perhaps a bit of a generalization (though not at all baseless!)? Yes, but to be honest, I'm probably not going to shed any tears tonight for all those poor oppressed white guys in America. Call me cruel or unsympathetic, but I just don't [really care].

#21 MrAnonymous - 3.29.2004 @ 09:35
The very nature of scholarships is to give underprivileged people a chance to goto higher education institutions.

Then how come only the best students get them? The best students are not, statistically speaking, generally "privileged."

#22 chimx - 3.29.2004 @ 09:40
skill and ability is a lesser secondary reason. economic necessity remains the primary reason for the existence of scholarships. why? because rich folk don't need help payin' for school.

#23 Alan - 3.29.2004 @ 19:20
Then shouldn't all scholarships be based solely on income and academic potential without regard to skin color?

#24 chimx - 3.30.2004 @ 00:15
do you really want me to reiterate everything that i have already said. the answer is above.

#25 K1 - 3.30.2004 @ 17:11
You seem pretty clear chimx. Let me make sure I got this down.

White people are evil. They are the cause of all societal woes, especially minorities. Only whites can be racist. The poor/downtrodden can not be held responsible for their situation, it's whitey's fault. Blacks will amount to nothing until whitey gives them his money. In other words, blacks are not capable of achieving success on their own.

I think I nailed it, what do ya say chimx?

#26 Alan - 3.30.2004 @ 17:17
No chimx, I do not. I merely wish to see some consistency in these arguments concerning scholarship based on skin color. I feel that future historians will look back at our society and view color based scholarships with the same distaste as we currently view segregation and slavery.

Item: Two individuals possessed of the same I.Q., same ACT scores, are in identical economic situations, same number of siblings... everything, wish to attend the same university in the same town. The only difference between these two people is that one is black, (hey, if we're going to play the tokenism game, we might as well just own up to it instead of talking all around it), and the other is white. These two hypothetical people have the same scholastic aptitude, but one will be arbitrarily denied a particular scholarship based solely on the amount of pigment in his skin.

This is not only discriminatory, it's disgusting. The very idea that I share genetic material with beings capable of rationalizing such drivel makes me want to hang my head in shame.

My question to you is, if a 'mind is a terrible thing to waste', and the mind is the thing that we are ultimately concerned with, why is it more acceptable to let one guy rot because of the spectrum of light his skin reflects?

I submit to you that fair and unbiased treatment must be meted out even, (and especially), when it is not convenient if we are truly a democracy and a free society. The 'White Only' scholarship, while admittedly a mockery, is no more mocking or insulting than any other racist program.

In the end, I believe that such programs and organizations hurt us all.

#27 chimx - 3.30.2004 @ 17:56
alan: in a word, political (civil) and economic equality (or at least the potential for it) doesn't mean anything if social equality is not present. You are maintaining a sociological rigidity when looking at the problem. I'll be the first to say that race doesn't exist, and that are laws are in fact color blind. But that does says nothing to explain the disproportional spectrum of classes based largely on "race".

Your argument largely ignores this issue. Civil liberties for black americans, despite being around for decades, has yet to provide a means of solving the racially defined economic stratification in our society. The only viable explanation for this is that upward social mobility is still often defined, though illegally, on race.

If you can provide me with an alternative explanation and consequently, an alternative solution, than be my guest. But don't be surprised that your attacks (without alternatives) on the attempts to solve the racial discrepencies in our society comes off to many as inherently racist - whether it is conscious or unconscious.

#28 MrAnonymous - 3.30.2004 @ 18:55
alan: in a word...

Huh?

#29 Alan - 3.30.2004 @ 20:25
Chimx: As it happens, I do have an alternate explanation. You've been using the wrong word. When you say 'social equality', what you appear to mean is 'social homogenity'. I submit to you that the discrepencies you speak of are not racial, but cultural. Hear me out.

Take the Navajo Nation tribes in New Mexico as an example. Nothing forces them to stay on the reservation. No laws have been made to oppress them during either of our lifetimes. In fact, they are entitled to more goodies and legal recourse than most people will ever be, and yet they complain that they are being treated unfairly.
A Native American living on a reservation is entitled to the following benefits:

*200 pounds of free prime beef per household per month
*Free medical care on demand
*Free dental care on demand
*Free optical care on demand
*Free housing
*Exempt from taxes

They stay because they don't want to leave. Would you? Legally they are on equal footing with everyone else in the country and have the same oppertunities for education and advancement, but the few that leave are looked down upon by the ones who stay. They use such phrases as 'abandoning their heritage' to put a guilt trip on the ones with ambition enough to strike out and get a good education.

If anything, Native Americans have been so over-compensated that they have lost the drive to better themselves.

While we're at it, how many white guys work at Death Row Records, much less sit on the board?

You said: "... don't be surprised that your attacks (without alternatives) on the attempts to solve the racial discrepencies in our society comes off to many as inherently racist - whether it is conscious or unconscious. "

This phrase makes me more than a little angry. I thought I did offer an alternative: Absolutely equal treatment. Abolish scholarships based on skin color. The reason that this gets under my skin so is this quote from post 19-20:

"So to answer your question: yes. [I] condone denying opportunity to people based on their perceived socio-economic status as well as their skin color. Why is this so complicated for you to understand?"

We understand you just fine, we just can't accept that.

#30 chimx - 3.30.2004 @ 21:02
out of everything you have said, you have not presented any alternatives.

also, comparing the struggle of american indians and with those of african decent makes little to no sense. I fail to see any correlation let-alone a causation.

#31 MrAnonymous - 3.30.2004 @ 21:19
30: I'd say that's pretty disrespectful of what many Native Americans went through. Just because they aren't black, they never suffered?

#32 Alan - 3.30.2004 @ 21:48
The American Indian reference was an example of how culture can restrict this 'upward social mobility' you speak of, and a suggestion that a similar mechanism could account for a portion of this discrepancy in other groups. There is your correlation.

I can not frame this any more clearly.
>>>>
If you abolish special privileges for special interest groups, you reduce their incentive to remain complacent about their 'socio-economic status'. This is not a 'magic bullet' for all of society's woes, but it is a place to start. Remember, Rome wasn't built in a day.
>>>>

Race specific scholarships are a special privilege, not a right, and an unearned one at that. They do nothing more than magnify how people are different, downplay how we are alike, and suggest that they cannot better themselves without special help. (This is why I say they are an insult.) Since the scope of this debate is regarding scholastic merit and funding for the same, I shall not give further examples in support of this assertion, though I am tempted.

I shall say this once and only once, "Scholarships, all of them, should be open to all in need."

Alan

#33 chimx - 3.31.2004 @ 00:59
ugh... y'all still aren't getting it. i blame myself (and partially the medium of discussion) for being unable to articulate this very simple fact fact.

#34 Alan - 3.31.2004 @ 02:57
Well chimx, for what it is worth, I have enjoyed sparring with you. But please, do not feel misunderstood. I do understand your point of view, I merely disagree.

Well played!

Alan

#35 Comment by chimx on 4.01.2004 @ 11:02 Removed by Administrator

#36 MrAnonymous - 4.01.2004 @ 13:19
chimx's comment, cleaned up:

your argument rests on the fact that black folk culturally want to stay poor. that's [messed] up.

end.

#37 Alan - 4.01.2004 @ 17:29
End huh? Says who?

Putting words in my mouth is dirty pool. You asked for an alternative explanation and a solution to go along with it. I have given you these things.

Explanation:
Culture can be a straightjacket.

Solution:
Begin by eliminating incentive for complacence.

You say that I am wrong, therefore, the burden of proof, (should you care to accept it), lies with you. By your own admission the system has tried it your way for several decades without satisfactory result.

We all want to go to heaven Chimx, but not everybody wants to do what's neccessary to get there.

Alan

#38 Oscar - 4.04.2004 @ 23:09
I agree very much so with Alan, I've seen it firsthand as I grew up on an Indian Reservation and those who actually leave decide to explore the world rather than stay on the rez seem to do so much better (imo). Just because you get all you're things provided for you doesn't insure happiness. Happiness only comes from within. Yes racism happens (both ways) it's something you either just take it as it comes or "ignore" it. One's own success is determined by themselves.
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I like to think that I made my point and came out ahead on this one, but you never can tell. A lot of people who think I'm wrong will continue to do so here everafter, but I console myself that a lot of people are really fucking stupid too.

2005-11-30T04:49:00.000-06:00

Pro Wrestling Sucks!

The other day I was en route between Chicago and Memphis, you know, just doing my job, when I happened to look down from my seat in the old '94 Freightliner to regard a generically ugly teenaged individual that would not be out of place in the High School of your choice. He was your typical gangly slob with a partially grown and rather poorly trimmed beard wearing a purple toboggain and a black tee shirt emblazoned with the slogan, "3:16 Steve Austin Kicks Ass!!"

Now I'm not really sure why, but it suddenly struck me just how much I hate Professional Wrestling. You might ask why I would hate something that is so popular. It's a good question and it deserves an answer. And like all good answers, it happens to come in several parts. First off, No one has ever accused me of following the crowd. It is not unheard of or even uncommon for me to reject something popular because of it's omnipresence. (This is on the theory that ten million people really *can* be wrong.) Nothing makes me despise a thing more than not being able to get away from it. Secondly, I have this really annoying habit called 'thinking'. It's when ideas come into my head on their own based on what I observe all around me. I find that this habit is sopmewhat dangerous, however, because it tends to fuck up other people's plans. (It's so easy to do in fact, that I know that I cannot possibly be the only one doing it.) Moreover, I like to form my own opinions rather than having them handed to me, but I digress.

The audience in pro wrestling is comprised of hundreds, if not thousands of individual persons, many of whom are partially educated, standing around chanting inane babble such as 'Asshole!', 'Bitch!', and, most annoyingly of all, the word 'What?' over and over again anytime somebody holding a microphone and cranked out on steroids says anything. It just makes me wanna slap these deaf motherfuckers. You know, maybe knock some of the peanut butter out of their ears for a change. Those aren't dramatic pauses folks... they, (the wrestlers), really are that stupid. I understand that it actually takes Brock Lesner two hours to watch 60 Minutes, and that's without having someone explain the commercials to him.

Realize now that while not all of these folks in the crowd are as stupid as they habitually sound on TV, they still manage to shed enough IQ points to draw pleasure from big, sweaty, stupid men playing organized grabass under flashing lights.

"Now wait just a minute!", you say. "You have to give those rassler guys credit!"

Uh, no. In fact I don't. While they are rather *athletic*, I do not see that they possess any skills of measurable worth.

"But they make $200K to $2Mil a year!"

Know what they'd make if Pro Wrestling didn't exist? $5.25/hr.

I'm gonna tell you something that you should have been exposed to a long time ago... These guys are not fucking heroes, got that? The only thing I have ever seen them teach is how to get your ass kicked by giving someone the bird and then thinking you can actually defend yourself because you've been a fan since the whole 'NWO thing' broke loose. And don't gimmie that shit about how it's just entertainment for fun's sake. It celebrates stupidity, arrogance, defiance and piss poor acting.

Oh, and if you just happen to think I'm wrong: Fuck You.