Wednesday, November 30, 2005

I Hate Your Cat

Cats. I hate cats. They're annoying, flighty, tear up your shit and get hair all over the place. Just like a woman. In women's defense, you can't fuck a cat.

Why did we ever domesticate cats? It was the Egyptians who started this empty-headed bullshit. You might say that the Egyptians were smart and cultured; I say that the Egyptians used crocodile dung as a contraceptive and literally worshipped bugs and mud. Quod Erat Demonstradum assholes. And if they thought it was a good idea to put crocodile turds up their cunts, you don't want to know what they did with cat shit. Trust me. You just don't.

You know what I really hate about cats? It's the owners of the cats. Some of them even go so far as to buy these goofy little bumper stickers that read "I Heart My Cat". So you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to make my own little bumper sticker.

That says it all, doesn't it? It'll be great to see these cat-loving pricks get all offended and tell me I should take down my page so I can stuff their faces into a wood-chipper. Then I'll put their cats in.

Besides, what can you do with a cat anyway? Play fetch? Go for a walk? Bullshit. A cat doesn't have time for you and your games. At best it'll get a kick out of destroying your furniture and taking a crap under your bed at night. I think a cat in a wood-chipper is a humane form of euthanasia

Another thing, cats get these urinary tract infections. These infections don't cause them pain, but they make it so that the cat pisses all over the place. That's right. Their health problems make you miserable. Naturally, the cat couldn't give a fuck about you and how you feel. In all likelihood your cat hates you and is trying to figure a way to get you out of it's house. Personally I don't think the vet should stop at chopping off the balls of these cats. Just keep chopping I say. Take the nuts, then the tail. Tired of him scratching up your stuff? Have him declawed. Then have him de-pawed. Hack off an ear or two. It's fun!

Watch the cat. Watch the little mongrel. Watch what it does! Even after you've surgically modified your cat as per my above suggestions and it's running around on four furry nubs, (less if you were creative and took a few legs), look closely. See that vacant expression? The big, half stoned eyes? The cat is bombed out of lt's gourd on catnip. Catnip is chewable pot for cats!

Your cat is a drug addict. You should try to get it hooked on Tylenol for giggles. It'll love that.

Happiness is kitty parts flying out of a woodchipper.

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