Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Men Are Hornier Than Women: An Essay

The other day I asked myself “Who’s hornier, men or women?” The answer that immediately rocketed through my mind was: “Men, you silly shit!”

Before you break out your fucking Cosmopolitan and Ms. magazines and start wagging them at me with tales of Mandy Moore and her in-depth guest articles that nobody ever reads anyway, just shut the fuck up before you even get started. I don’t care.

I have had women tell me that they get as "bothered as a wet cat" and need release every so often, but they’re just "better at controlling it than men are". While I find this sentiment amusing, arrogant, wrongheaded and I’m always up for baptizing a cat, it cannot possibly compare. Further, if you can control it, it ain't being horny.

Let’s say that you’re female and you’ve not been laid since the Reagan Administration. A guy you’ve known for a while hears about it and he’s a pretty good friend of yours, so he hits you with a line like, “Misty, you know we've been friends for a long time and I understand what you're going through with you feeling pent up like a wet cat and all... If you could make it up here I'd be glad to help you out with an orgasm or two.” What’s going to happen? That’s right. The woman’s going to back up like a welfare recipient from work and try her best to think of a way to turn him down without making him feel like shit. …if she likes him. Most likely she’ll come up with some bullshit excuse like how he reminds her of her little brother (whether she has one or not) and that she doesn’t want to ruin a friendship.

I ask you, what could be a better way of letting someone know you’re friends than by having sex with them?

Now let’s turn it around. Let’s say you’re a guy who’s been doing without any action for a really long time, like two weeks, and a girl you’ve known since high school and have been pretty good friends with hears that you’re having a *ahem* “hard time alone”, so to speak. She calls you up and tells you, “Mark, I know you’re really horny and everything. That’s so sad. Why don’t you drive the 100 miles up here and I’ll fuck you like a beast. You know… just friends.” Provided that your name is Mark, you’ll be out the door and on the way so fast your wife won’t even have time to ask you where you’re going. If your name isn’t Mark you’ll probably be pissed for a second or two, but then you’ll go up there anyway to see if you can manage to get laid.

To put it another way, a man will stare at a woman licking an ice cream cone until at least an hour after she’s finished with it. A woman will not stare at a man eating the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone with his tongue. She’ll think he’s being disgusting.

Also, spare me the crap about being repressed by society. That does NOT make you hornier than men, it just makes you repressed. While you’re busy being repressed all over the place we’re not getting laid at all! This doesn’t solve anything, it just leads us to be even hornier than we were before you told us you “didn’t think the time was right” or some other rattle-brained bullshit.

So come on girls, give us a break. We’re hornier because we can’t have sex on demand like women can. It’s true. And as for being repressed, how repressed do you think WE are? Every time we ask for sex we get lied to and we have to go jerk off.

I told this to a girl once and she said that I was wrong. (Can you believe that?) She said that women can’t get laid whenever they want to. (Obviously in error again) If a woman wants cock, all she has to do is ask. It’s that simple. Okay, so you didn’t get that ONE dick that you really wanted… For every one goober you couldn’t suck like it was for the Olympic Tryouts, how many more have you turned away? Huh-oh! Dilemma! Twisting the brain!!

The fact is that we are in a higher state of horniness because we can’t control when and where we get any action to the degree women can. If we had pussy thrown at us like women do cock, we might be less horny too, (but I doubt it).

Item: Women can turn down sex easier than men because they’ve had it offered to them at least 4 times a day since they were 14. How? Because every time a man is being nice to you he’s trying to get into your pants.

“Can I get the door for you?” means “Want some cock?”
“Here, let me help you with that.” means “Want some cock?”
“Ladies’ Night Tonight” means “Come On In And Get Some Cock.”

I think you see it my way.

If anyone cares to prove me wrong you can email me at with the subject heading “I WANT TO PROVE YOU WRONG” (females only please) If I think you’re cute and horny enough, we can get together to discuss things in depth.

**TIP** The hornier you are the cuter you get.

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Anonymous Coheed X Angel said...

lmfao, yes...i will agree with this to the point, men are hornier and the fact is we don't even get fun toys like women. What? Flesh Lights? FUCK THAT MAN, REALLY, WHAT THE HELL!? so yea, girls get dildos...we get our hands only? its wrong...just....wrong...cuz the fact is men have 2 heads, not 1..ok? and we would follow our smaller head through thick and thin over are higher and larger one if it ment our smaller head got to stay a night in the infamous cunt-inn, you see? yea, girls might have toys...but that just lets em be less horny b/c they can use it to make themselves more "pleasured" while men...still only their hands...fellaws, are ya with me!?

9:20 PM  

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