Wednesday, November 30, 2005

More Online Bullshit?

This is something of a rebuttal of an article I found the day before Halloween on MSN. I don't think that it is as well written as some of my previous offerings, but it is brutally honest if nothing else. The author's original comments follow the questions in quotation marks. My personal responses to these questions are below this in italics.


10 Bloodcurdling Lines That Scare Men Most
By Bob Strauss, the total pussy.

Halloween's here, so brace yourselves for a real horror: Most guys would rather fling themselves into a pit of flesh-eating zombies than grapple with the age-old dating issues they're truly terrified by. Here are some things you should be careful not to say the equivalent of sneaking up behind your boyfriend and yelling "Boo!"

"Does your bathroom always look like this?"

Granted, a three-hour burst of frenzied scrubbing is no substitute for diligent, long-term maintenance. Guys are terrified of coming off as slobs, so better to praise the 45 percent that's clean than criticize the 55 percent that's not.

No. Generally it's worse. NEWS FLASH: GUYS DON'T GIVE HALF A SHIT ABOUT WHAT THEIR BATHROOM LOOKS LIKE. The man who wrote this drivel is a pussy. It's not hard to keep a bathroom clean for christ's sake. Step 1: Scrub toilet. Estimated Time Required (ETR): Three minutes. Step 2: Clean sink. ETR: Three more minutes. Step 3: Put away hygenic supplies. ETR: Thirty seconds. This looks like six and a half minutes to me. If it takes you three hours to do these simple tasks, then this pussy is right and you are a slob. Shame on you.

"By the way, we're having dinner with Edgar and Diane next week."
If a guy's not scared enough that you're already doing "couple" things, scheduling them without consultation (and especially during Monday Night Football) is sure to make him run screaming into the night.

More shit about football? First, I loathe football. And who is this sorry excuse for an adult suggesting that I have a problem going out to dinner? I can only assume that this man is habitually a basket case that can't make eye contact.

"You're not really going to wear that, are you?"
Just because we've been dressing ourselves for twenty or thirty years doesn't mean we're not open to suggestions. But most guys, when they hear this question, break out in a cold sweat and picture themselves in a tutu and ballet slippers.

I'd like to know who the hell this over-sensitive asshole is. Firstly, I can and shall wear any goddammed thing that I choose to wear. The only exception to this would be... Wait. I take that back. There are no exceptions to that rule. Not only can I dress myself, but I know what looks tacky. I neither desire nor require anyone else's input.

"Don't worry, kitty won't bite."
No, she won't bite, but she'll scratch, shed and shred furniture. It's a known scientific fact (you can look it up) that, way deep down, 75 percent of guys are terrified of cats.

A known scientific fact, eh? This sounds like psychology to me, and it is hardly an exact science. Who the fuck is terrified of a housecat? A wild tiger maybe, but not something 1/20th my size. By the way, good job on citing a proper source for this piece of shit *fact* you just made up. Reeeal smooth asshole. Kitty may not bite, but I fucking guarantee you she'll punt a good twenty yards.

"I don't think I care for your friend Jimmy."
So what if Jimmy covered your back during that sixth-grade dodgeball game and you've been bosom buddies ever since? No guy wants a new relationship to crowd out his old friends. More to the point, no guy wants his old friends to accuse him of being "whipped" by his new gal pal.

If you're this pussywhipped to allow a piece of patch that you just met to interfere with a long-standing friendship with a guy who is like a brother to you, then you're someone that I don't ever want to meet. To turn it around, if my woman has a friend that I can't stand, I tell her so and further inform her that I will not be hanging out with said offending individual. I don't ask permission to be excused, I announce my decision.

"What are you thinking?"
Such a simple question, and yet so fraught. Here's a peek into the average guy's thought processes: Does she want an honest answer? Does she want me to make something up? If I say the wrong thing, will she send me to clean the bathroom?

Bullshit. If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would tell you. Jesus Christ, are people so insecure in this country that they become intimidated by meaningless open-ended questions? The "Average Guy" that this twit keeps rambling about sure is giving the rest of us a bad name. Girls, don't believe any of this guy's drivel. He's just writing this in hopes that he might somehow get laid as a result.

"My mom and dad really want to meet you."
No guy expects to be liked by his girlfriend's parents; mild disapproval would be a good outcome, and homicidal loathing is always a distinct possibility. And, of course, today's girlfriend's mom is tomorrow's mother-in-law.

I want to meet them too. If I can't get along with them, then I won't be able to stay with the girl. My in-laws and I went through this because her dad's a dick. After the smoke cleared, it was understood that I wasn't to be fucked with because I'd tie his asshole in a knot. In related news, I'm kicking my brother-in-law's ass as soon as he turns 18 on general principles.

"You were snoring, so I slept on the couch."
One of the great things about being alone, and then not being alone, is all the wonderful things you learn about your sleeping habits. Go easy on the revelations; if things work out, you and your beau will have plenty of time to accommodate each others' nocturnal quirks.

Yeah, I snore. So do you. If you want to sleep on the couch, that's fine. More room on the bed for me. Besides, if being told that you snore crushes your soul, then you have a bigger pussy that your woman does.

"Great news! My sister/friend/cousin is engaged/married/pregnant."
Competition, from a guy's point of view, is a powerful thing. It may or may not be what you intended, but when your boyfriend hears this, he visualizes himself with a big red target painted on his back. (Or some other part of his anatomy.)

I visualize a what? Target? Bullshit. I visualize fucking your sister/friend/cousin. My response to this phrase is invariably, 'That's nice', with a 'So what?' hidden somewhere between the lines. I couldn't care less that your friend Jamie got knocked up. She fucked some guy and got sloppy. She'll have a baby. Call me when that happens and I'll see if I care then.

"Does this dress make my hips look big?"
I once knew a guy who ripped his own head off rather than answer this question. Believe me, he's much better off.

If the dress emphasizes your fat ass then I'll say so. An insincere compliment is an insult. It implies that you are allowed to lie to someone by telling them what they want to hear, and that they're going to be stupid enough to believe you. If I'm feeling nice, then I'll simply tell you that I don't like the dress in the first place. Besides, if you do have a fat ass, there is no article of clothing in the world that can hide this fact. Stop being such a shallow bitch and put down the goddammed "Death By Chocolate"!

I feel better now.

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