Wednesday, November 30, 2005



Pro Wrestling Sucks!



The other day I was en route between Chicago and Memphis, you know, just doing my job, when I happened to look down from my seat in the old '94 Freightliner to regard a generically ugly teenaged individual that would not be out of place in the High School of your choice. He was your typical gangly slob with a partially grown and rather poorly trimmed beard wearing a purple toboggain and a black tee shirt emblazoned with the slogan, "3:16 Steve Austin Kicks Ass!!"

Now I'm not really sure why, but it suddenly struck me just how much I hate Professional Wrestling. You might ask why I would hate something that is so popular. It's a good question and it deserves an answer. And like all good answers, it happens to come in several parts. First off, No one has ever accused me of following the crowd. It is not unheard of or even uncommon for me to reject something popular because of it's omnipresence. (This is on the theory that ten million people really *can* be wrong.) Nothing makes me despise a thing more than not being able to get away from it. Secondly, I have this really annoying habit called 'thinking'. It's when ideas come into my head on their own based on what I observe all around me. I find that this habit is sopmewhat dangerous, however, because it tends to fuck up other people's plans. (It's so easy to do in fact, that I know that I cannot possibly be the only one doing it.) Moreover, I like to form my own opinions rather than having them handed to me, but I digress.

The audience in pro wrestling is comprised of hundreds, if not thousands of individual persons, many of whom are partially educated, standing around chanting inane babble such as 'Asshole!', 'Bitch!', and, most annoyingly of all, the word 'What?' over and over again anytime somebody holding a microphone and cranked out on steroids says anything. It just makes me wanna slap these deaf motherfuckers. You know, maybe knock some of the peanut butter out of their ears for a change. Those aren't dramatic pauses folks... they, (the wrestlers), really are that stupid. I understand that it actually takes Brock Lesner two hours to watch 60 Minutes, and that's without having someone explain the commercials to him.

Realize now that while not all of these folks in the crowd are as stupid as they habitually sound on TV, they still manage to shed enough IQ points to draw pleasure from big, sweaty, stupid men playing organized grabass under flashing lights.

"Now wait just a minute!", you say. "You have to give those rassler guys credit!"

Uh, no. In fact I don't. While they are rather *athletic*, I do not see that they possess any skills of measurable worth.

"But they make $200K to $2Mil a year!"

Know what they'd make if Pro Wrestling didn't exist? $5.25/hr.

I'm gonna tell you something that you should have been exposed to a long time ago... These guys are not fucking heroes, got that? The only thing I have ever seen them teach is how to get your ass kicked by giving someone the bird and then thinking you can actually defend yourself because you've been a fan since the whole 'NWO thing' broke loose. And don't gimmie that shit about how it's just entertainment for fun's sake. It celebrates stupidity, arrogance, defiance and piss poor acting.

Oh, and if you just happen to think I'm wrong: Fuck You.


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5 Comments:

Anonymous CLIFF YOUKNOW said...

I DO THINK YOUR WRONG, ALL THE REDKNECK PO'COON HUNTING BUTT FUCKERS IN THE STANDS ARE ALL RETARDED OH! FUCK YOU BACK!!!

10:22 PM  
Anonymous Troy from TODC said...

I liked it as a kid. They are actors and everyone knows this now. I don't really understand how 'adults' can follow this but its like a soap opera for men. ergo 'stupid men'.

Anyways, i think some of them are good. I liked Hulk Hogan and a few others. The Rock has made a great transition to being an actor.

11:14 AM  
Blogger Alan said...

They found out he could read, Troy.

3:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

For god's sake guys, it just entertainment. Something that's just
there for people to enjoy. If you don't like pro wrestling, DON'T WATCH
IT, and don't be knocking the people who do. Yes, I watch it on Monday nights. YES, the matches are pre-determined. YES, the matches are choriographed. NO, it does NOT lower
someones IQ, and NO, not only retards
and school dropouts like this stuff.
I happen to be an employee of the "GEEK SQUAD". Which can be found in Best Buy stores nationwide.
Anyway, if it INDEED DOES drop someone's IQ, then it won't drop it any more than watching TV, playing video games, or browsing the net(this messed up website, for example). And as for the steroid use, they're only hurting themselves in the long run.
In closing, Alan, I JUST HAPPEN TO THINK YOU'RE WRONG. SO, fu... nah, I'm not reducing myself to that.

6:44 PM  
Blogger Alan said...

Ah, Anonymous returns with words of wisdom. I would like to thank you for proving my point for me.

(Why is it that whenever someone tries to ream me a new asshole they're always too chicken shit to post under their own name?)

Whoever you are, you do realize that you've just posted a comment to a satire web site, right? (Refer to my FAQ where I explain how I don't give a fuck what you're offended by.) This means that you deliberately searched for this page, (which is one of my earliest posts, and thus is at the ass-end of the list), and were so offended by my perfectly legitimate opinion of pro wrestling on this internet backwater that you felt a need to defend . . . what exactly? Yourself? Wrestlers? Vince McShithead and company?

I believe it's reasonable to assume that I don't watch this crap. I don't have cable programming in my home by choice, although I could easily afford such. It is further reasonable to assume that you do in fact work for Best Buy. That doesn't necessarily make you smart. If you were smart, sir, you wouldn't brag about working for Best Buy as a towering intellectual accomplishment.

Pro wrestling sucks because this is my website and I say so. Pro wrestling fans are annoying motherfuckers as you have just proven.

Am I being harsh? Yes. Why? Because I take great offense to being shot at out of the dark. If you want repartee, then announce yourself like a civilized human being. Since you work at Best Buy as part of the Geek Squad, you should know enough about the internet to be able to follow simple instructions and post here under your own name. Oh, wait . . . .

9:08 AM  

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