Monday, December 19, 2005

Arrest Santa!

Christmas time is here again. Carolers will be singing and the egg nog will be flowing, but there is one little catch that I think has been overlooked for way too long: Santa Claus. Every year he arrives to shunt the moral lessons of Christmas aside in leiu of mindless consumerism. In fact, it is taken to such a degree that it could be called economic terrorism.

There you have it. The obese man known as "Santa Claus" is a terrorist and should be arrested. Aside from not securing a visa before entering into the United States, he is guilty of some 65 million counts of breaking and entering every single year, targeting homes with sleeping children. He doesn't promote a good work ethic at all, only working one day a year, and his spare time is spent crushing coal to leave in children's stockings. As any mine worker can tell you, coal dust is explosive and a carcinogen.

He's building bombs and contaminating the residences of America's children.

How far will you go, Mr. Claus? Will you end your reign of terror when all the bad little girls and boys have black lung disease? And I hear that the SPCA is on your ass because your reindeer don't even have their shots. Furthermore Mr. Claus, when you don't plant a bomb in the home, must you spread strife by leaving crap that nobody wants like socks and underwear, crushing the dreams of little boys and girls across the world?

Like all terrorists, he tries to play the religion angle by calling himself by the grandiose name of "Saint Nick". David Koresh and Ann Rine come to mind here too, but I don't recall any Pope canonizing them either. And all the while he's running an elf sweatshop at the North Pole where they don't even have child labor laws and his elves are forbidden to organize.

Mr. Claus' sleigh is a danger to all and sundry. Not only is it not registered, but according to FAA regulations, an aircraft requires flashing lights on each of it's surfaces (i.e the top and bottom), in addition to running lights at the extremes of it's dimension. It is known from contemporary illustrations by eye-witnesses that Rudolph's nose is incandescent in nature and does not noticably pulsate in intensity. Furthermore, according to my calculations, his sleigh is operated in great excess of the GWR (Gross Weight Rating) assigned to his aircraft. I estimate that there are 65,718,696 (6.5 x 10^7) households in the United States alone. I further assume that each household contains an average of 2.5 children. Thus, if Mr. Claus were to leave just one present per child, including coal bombs, he would have to carry a minimum of 164,296,741 (1.6 x 10^8) pieces of cargo. Assuming each "gift" weighed just two pounds each on average, this would bring the gross cargo weight to over 150,000 tons. Given that your average sleigh is designed for safe operation up to a mere 1500 pounds, this places undue wear and tear upon the runners of his sleigh and unconscionable stress upon the reindeer. Again, the SPCA is investigating charges of animal cruelty.

Concerning Mr. Claus' method of parking, let me remind you that reindeer have cloven hooves that are murder on shingles. That's why you have to re-roof your house every few years. This is to say nothing of all the reindeer shit up there. Illegal parking and casual disregard for pooper-scooper laws are also on his list of offenses.

So that's it. We have allowed the terrorist calling himself Santa Claus to hold our country in his grip of fear and avarice for far too long. Rise up and see him in prison where he belongs! Do it for the children! After all, if you do nothing... the terrorists win.

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Anonymous Zanna said...

I guess I forgot to tell you, I printed this one out for my Dad

8:38 PM  

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