Monday, December 05, 2005

Things I've Learned About Women

Women are crazy.

That's pretty much all there is to say. Right there in a little nutshell.

Take my wife as an example. She collects things. Not the traditionally crappy things that you stuff into a curio cabinet to show off to your friends. Not those godawful fruitcake recipies that everyone hates, oh no. I mean she collects completely useless shit like newspaper sale ads and those cheap plastic bags from Wal-Mart. They're all over the place. My desk, MY DESK currently has on it a full sized sales advertisement for a local grocery store from two fucking weeks ago.

My wife, of course, thinks this is perfectly normal.

The kitchen table is covered with those damned blue bags from Wal-Mart. I don't mean they're nice and flat like a tablecloth, I mean she has bundles of these things all over the kitchen table rendering it totally useless as a dining locale. She even has wads of bags stuffed inside other bags in huge balls like big blue nutsacks. What is the point of all of this?

And holy fuck there are sales ads in my bedroom too! What the name of dogshit is up with that? Does she read sales ads before she goes to sleep at night or something? Does she enjoy curling up with a good 2 for 1 special on blackeyed peas? Am I too lowbrow to appreciate the literary qualities of Safeway publications? I think it's obvious that she's crazy. My woman, your woman, all women. They're fucking nuts.

Today she ran out to buy groceries and returned with practically nothing but condiments. What the hell? I asked her why she bought three bottles of salad dressing. Not Miracle Whip folks, salad dressing. Like Thousand Island and Ranch and Italian.

With God as my witness, this was our conversation:

Me: "Why did you get all that salad dressing?"
Her:"They were just a dollar each."
Me: "Did you get any salad stuff like lettuce?"
Her: "No, I didn't."
Me: "Do we have any salad stuff left?"
Her: "Nope. They were just a dollar each."
Me: "What was the point of buying condiments without anything to put them on?"
Her: "Well I use them for other things."

"?" Thought I. Other things?

Me: "Such as?"
Her: "Sandwiches and stuff."
Me: "Oh really? Do we have any sandwich stuff? I'm hungry."
Her: "No we don't."
Me: *blink blink*

In the words of Charlie Brown: "AAAAAUUUUGGGGHHH!!!"

Now I'm all in favor of condiments because I can't cook worth two shits and I need something to make the cinders I call food palatable, but condiments are things you put ON other things, not food by and of themselves. Even I know this. Besides, some things go together like ketchup and french fries, cheese and crackers, peanut butter and jelly, ketchup and pork steaks (Hey, this is my food, not yours. Shut the fuck up.)

I want to go on, but I just can't. My head is throbbing already.

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Blogger NecrochildK said...

WOW! This coming from another woman, Your wife IS nuts! No offense, but isn't there a certain mental condition where a person can't resist a sale no matter how useless it is to them? Though I do know grocery stores set up sales to trap people into getting things they don't really need, but I've never known it to be that absolutely effective on someone where they get JUST that thing and nothing else, like you said, to compliment it.

10:17 PM  

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