Monday, January 02, 2006

A Fairy Tale

Once upon a time in a land far, far away there lived a little man. The little man had a little wife and they lived in a little blue house on a nice little street. He even had a nice little dog. Things were good for the little man. He had car payments and house payments and his nice little wife would give him a nice little blowjob every once in a while.

Then the big, bad telephone company came and told the little man that he needed a telephone. The little man tried to tell the telephone company that he didn't need one, but they insisted. Seeing that the little man couldn't be persuaded, they went to the little woman and talked her into getting a telephone and offered many new amazing services for free* if they would just sign up. But the little woman couldn't hear the asterisk at the end of the telephone company's "free" and fell for their evil scheme.

Thus began the days of darkness.

Of the many amazing things that the evil telephone company offered was an amazing plan that let you call anywhere in the whole wide United States for free. The little man was angry at his little wife at first, but slowly, he began to use the free long distance plan because it was always billed as a local call, no matter where he called and how long he talked.

The little man and the little woman were very happy with the telephone for a long time and everything continued to get better and better. In fact, the little man and little woman would sometimes work on other people's computers for fun and a little extra money so they could pay for the telephone and afford to get internet service.

The little man already had cable in his house and the local cable company gave him a special modem that let him connect to the internet really fast. He could click on links online and *whoosh!* quick as a flash, the page he wanted would come up. This was so much faster than using a phone line that the little man quit using it altogether for internet service.

They fixed so many computers so fast and so good that word spread about how good a job they did. Thus, it was not long before they got a computer to fix that didn't have an ethernet port. All it had was an old 56K modem, but they needed to check some stuff online with it because the stupid, stupid owner fucked around with her TCP/IP settings and broke her computer. The little man and the little woman thought that just because they had upgraded from dial-up to cable, their old dial-up connection would still work if their special cable modem went out.

They connected the computer to the telephone line and tried to dial the local access number, but it didn't work. So they tried again and it still didn't work. The little man started pulling his hair out. The little woman said something dumb and obvious and wouldn't even give the little man a blowjob. Eventually after a lot of silly confusion, the little man and the little woman got the computer working.

But elsewhere, the evil telephone company had a special little computer of their own that spied on the little man and the little woman. It noticed that even though the little man had unlimited long distance service, he had dialed an internet access number, albeit a local one, and it started working it's evil magic on the little man's house, and called in the Wicked Bitch of the South to write the little man and little woman a nasty, nasty letter.

The letter was delivered to the little man's house two days later. Thiis is what the letter said:

Dear little man,

HA HA HA!! We tricked you, little man! We said all your calls were going to be billed as local calls, but you are in breach of our evil, magic contract! You agreed to not call any internet numbers with your long distance service, but you did! You did! We knew you would! It was in your evil contract in microprint on the 37th page right smack in the middle!

So now little man, we are going to change your service! We're taking away your unlimted long distance and you can never, never have it back! And now that we have you in the clutches of breach of contract, we can do whatever we want to you! Whatever we want!

We said that we weren't going to bill you for long distance calls you made, but now we will! twenty-five cents a minute! MWA HA HA HA!!

Now you owe us $275.60 for this month's long distance bill! Pay us, little man, or we will throw you in jail!

The little man was astounded. He didn't know what to do. He couldn't afford to pay that much money! The little woman didn't know what to do either. They were very, very sad.

Finally, in a fit of grief, the little man went outside and sat on the porch of his little blue house and looked up and down his little street. That was when he noticed the little ant that was crawling up the little sidewalk. It was carrying something way bigger than it was. It was a big bug! The little man watched the little ant wrestle with the big bug. It took a long, long time, but the little ant managed to move the big bug to where a bunch of other ants saw him and they came over to help.

The little man watched amazed as the ants all worked together to move the big bug toward their little anthill. He realized that the big bug that the little ant was trying to move was a lot like his telephone bill. It was way too much for one little bug to handle on his own, but when they worked together, they could move the big bug with no trouble at all!

The little man brought his little foot down on the ants, the big bug and the anthill. He went back inside and told the little wife to give him a little blowjob.

"Fuck it!" Said the little man as he was getting his little knob polished. "These bastards can go hang!"

The evil people with the telephone company came and took the telephone away, and the little man smiled. He was happy.

The little man declared bankruptcy a few months later and the Evil Bitch of the South, whose name was MahBelle, never ever got her $275.60.

The End.

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