More Thoughts


Probably the only thing worse than burying your dead dog is digging a hole to bury it in and winding up uncovering another dead dog.

Why don't we have canned pizza or hamburgers?

If euthanasia is humane, why did they come down so hard on Dr. Kavorkian?

Common sense is no match for uncommon stupidity.

Next time you get into a fight, try this: After you finish beating the hell out of the guy, walk over and smash his buddy right in the fucking teeth. When he asks you what that was for, tell him you knew that was something he would want. He should appear puzzled, pissed or both. Then just tell him that you knew that five minutes after you'd left he'd have said "I wish that motherfucker would've hit ME like that..."

Have you ever tried to pop the pimples on your ass? It's difficult.

The military invented a special speaker and microphone setup that was designed strictly for use in monitoring enemy submarine activity. Since it's declassification, marine biology researchers have finally been able to harness the technology for more mundane porpoises.

My favorite mixed drink is Milk of Magnesia and Vodka. It's a Phillips Screwdriver.

What do you call a wad of snot between two scabs? A booger burger.

If we have a Dawn of Time, shouldn't we have a Dusk of Time? Or what about an Afternoon of Time? But if we have an Afternoon of Time, we would have to have a Noon of Time, wouldn't we? Possibly it's euro-centric and we might have a Tea of Time. Or it could the that the dawn of time is a woman. "Hi, I'm Dawn. Dawn of Time. How are you?" Or maybe, just maybe, it's a mafia organization and we're spelling it wrong. The Don of Time. He'll make you an offer you're too busy to refuse. Moving ahead, we could also have a night of time. But if we did, we would also have to have a midnight of time. In medieval times, they believed in a Knight of time, but they were a limited and backwards people and things were simpler then. And what about the midnight of time mentioned earlier? Actually we've already looked into it, but it was too dark to make a conclusive determination. Again, in medieval times they called it a midknight of time, but realized that it sounded too silly, so they changed it to the bellybutton of time. Seriously. Look it up.

Just once I'd like to see a road sign that read "Pass With Reckless Abandon".

Nobody on earth, so far as I know, has ever died of a case of freckles.

When I was little I wanted lots of expensive toys. Unfortunately we couldn't really afford much on Dad's salary. I'd get depressed about it, but Dad used to say this to help me put things in perspective: "Once I wept that I had no shoes, 'till I met a man who had no feet. ...So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he needed them or anything, right? Besides, what was he going to do? Chase after me? In what, his Radio-Flyer wagon and a couple of steam-irons? Please. I have shoes now and can outrun a gimp like that easy. Backwards even". My case comes up for review on Thursday.

If you've ever wondered why starving artists are starving, try looking at some of their art.

Here's a tip for driving people absolutely nuts: The next time someone asks you how you're doing, tell them. Honestly. 100%. "Well, my blood sugar is up to 375 and I can't get it down. An ingrown toenail is driving me apeshit; I think it's infected. My hemmorhoids are acting up and it's painful to wipe my ass, you know? They must be hanging a good half an inch out of my asshole from what I can feel with my fingers, but there's no blood today. On top of that, I have a case of the screaming shits, and it's a really light tan in color with the consistancy of orange juice. I'd swear I was shitting broken glass. This penile yeast infection is raging out of control too. God I wish it would just fall off! In addition to itching all the time and burning like razor cuts, it makes my piss smell really funny. When I heal up I think I'm going to schedule a circumcision to make things easier next time I get one. How've you been?"