Stop Fucking Up English!

I speak English as my first language, and I am tired of hearing you dipshits mangle it however the hell you want. I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of wading through your countless e-mails, endless chatroom jargon, and general bullshit with my Dumbass-to-English dictionary just to figure out what the fuck you're trying to say. Believe it or not folks, your use of language directly determines how smart you appear to be. You can either take my advice on this or you can have a long career making french fries for a living.

Nobody can possibly want to sound like a third grade dropout, and nobody definately ever wants to hear one. Therefore, as a public service to the English speaking community and as primal therapy for me, I offer the following suggestions. You would do well to heed them.

Remember, if you're an internet dumbass, but you still care enough to learn how to speak correctly, follow this advice:


1) SAVE THE APOSTROPHE

Quit with the motherfucking apostrophe abuse, okay? The rules for this shit are simple and short for fuck's sake.
You use an apostrophe:

• to indicate possession
• to show the omission of letters, as in a contraction
• to indicate the plural form of individual letters.

Examples:

• "The dog's tail is wagging."
  This is an example of the apostrophe used to indicate possession.


• "The dog is minding his P's and Q's."
  Correct. This is proper usage when referring to multiples of vowels and consonants and does NOT indicate possession.


• "The dog's hungry."
  This is a contraction of "The dog is hungry", and is also correct.


• "All the dog's are wagging their tail's."
  WRONG! COMPLETELY WRONG! WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU LEARN THIS?

2) FOREIGN WORDS

a) JAPANESE (NIHONGO)
STOP with the fucking Japanese words and greetings. I'm tired of all you mouth-breathing cocksuckers who desperately wish you were Japanese peppering your speech with your poorly understood Nihongo in a vain (and failed) attempt to appear cultured. Believe me when I say that learning a handful of Japanese words will not somehow make you Japanese! Unless you're speaking to someone who only understands Nihongo, quit with crap you've picked up from your goddamned anime collection, (a.k.a. CARTOONS). My name is NOT Alan-san, Alan-kun, Alan-hun, Alan-senpai, Alan-chan or Alan-sama. I am not amused and you sound like a masturbating cosplay fan-boy. "Kawaii" IS NOT AN ENGLISH WORD AND IT MAKES YOU SOUND STUPID WHEN YOU THROW IT INTO AN ENGLISH CONVERSATION. Ditto for Anime, Baka, Bukkake, Gaijin, Hentai, Manga, Oni, Ora and Otaku. Just stop doing it.



"Oh God I wish I was Japanese!
b) FRENCH (FRANÇAIS)
Furthermore, for those precious people that use the French words moi, tres and oui, I hope you develop brain cancer.

c) ITALIAN (ITALIANO)
The Italian word ciao, (pronounced chow), is something you fucking eat, not a thing to replace "goodbye" with.

EDIT 2/20/2006: Thanks Mike for pointing this out. I had previously listed ciao as being French... which is understandable. It's not English and nobody in this country is expected to know that.

d) GERMAN (DEUTSCH)
Concerning the German word "Über", let me just say this:


THIS IS NOT AN ENGLISH WORD. FURTHERMORE, YOU IDIOTS ARE USING IT INCORRECTLY.
Über is the German word for "over". (As in "above".) Pull your pretentious heads out of your even more pretentious assholes and stick to one language at a time. Though I suppose it shouldn't really suprise me to see you retarded bastards fuck up a foreign language since you fuck up the language you were born speaking too.

And wipe the shit-stain off your neck.


3) INTERNET SHORTHAND

For all of you, ye worst of offenders, who use internet shorthand: What the fuck are you supposed to be, a stenographer? Would it fucking kill you to type the other two letters in that word you're trying to communicate to me or learn how to use one of the "shift" keys? The current worst abuse of this bullshit is "O RLY?" (Oh really?), and it's spattered all over every goddamned thing on the internet. I'm not buying that crap about how it saves time to drop letters from words; you're not efficient, you're lazy.

If I were in charge, the use of any of the following "words" in written communication should land you a manditory 3 months in a first grade English class:

O
RLY
O RLY
U
R
UR
C
IC
(unless you're referring to electronic components, and you're not, so shove it.)
PPL
KNO
WTF
OMG
L8R
H8
SK8
GR8
LOL
ROFL
(what the fuck's a roffle?)
ROFLMAO
ROFLMCAO
STFU
1337
OMFG
H4XX0RZ
HAX
H4X
ASL
PLZ
THX
!!!!!11!

And lastly, the substitution of the numbers 3, 4 and 0 for the letters E, A and O should require a mandatory beating with an axe. Seriously, who the fuck do you think is going to hire you if you write like this? I hear McDonald's is taking applications for first shift.


4) STREET

I am not a nigger, least of all yours. Nor am I your dog, and you may refer to me as either "mister" or "sir". A 'tray' is something you get your lunch on or make ice in; the word you're looking for is "three". That thing with wheels on it in my driveway is my car, not my ride, "Ho" is something Santa Claus says in triplicate, and "Yo" is not punctuation. "Word" is not a sentence, and I can think of only one instance it is even remotely appropriate to use as a response.

Bob: "Mike, do you open this document in Adobe Studio or Microsoft Word?"
Mike: "Word."

The words "like" and "go", when used as filler, make your I.Q. painfully apparent.

"So I was, like, "Oh yeah?" and he was like "Yeah motherfucker!" So I go "Fuck you!" and then he goes "Like I fuck yo momma las' night, bee-yatch!" and I'm like *Boom* upside his motherfucking head, right? and he's like "Ima bus' a cap in yo' ass!"
If you happen to sound like this when you speak, SHUT THE FUCK UP. Either take up sign language or just suck on the business end of a shotgun. "Bad" is neither a noun nor is it a verb, so stop prattling the phrase "my bad" at me. A pimp is someone who sells hookers, (or whores), not a radical custom job, and it is never a term of respect. The next person to tell me "Pimping means representing someone else's interests." gets kicked right in the fucking nuts. No it does not you fucking MTV zombie. The word for that is "work". Who taught you lazy bastards to speak? I do not live in a hizzouse, I do not have a mizzouse problem, and I won't spend another minizzle on this bullshizzle.


5) BASIC SPELLING

Learn to fucking spell! It's not hard. Holy Jesus jumping up and down in a bucket of superglue... There's a SPELLCHECKER on your damned computer, and failing that, there's a book full of properly spelled words at the local library, otherwise known as a dictionary. Do you know how much I want to stab you in the eyes with a shovel whenever you say some stupid shit to me like "I went too see the game adn it wasnt' over until to aclock"? Don't make me suffer through your ignorance. If you'd fucking payed attention in school and learned something instead of getting out early to play football, maybe you wouldn't be the burden on society that you are today. And don't give me that weak "Hey, I'm not an English Major, get off my back, man" horseshit. FUCK YOU! Not only am I not an English Major, but I've never been to college a day in my goddamned life. YOU, sir, who ARE currently enrolled in Booger U somewhere should know better than to come off sounding like that. Good language and grammar should be a HABIT, not a thing you do for a grade. Failing that, why don't you go back to Kindergarten and start over. That's the one place where how far you can kick a ball and taking a nap actually mean something.