The Truth About Cell Phones


What the hell is up with cell phones? Everywhere you look, there's some schmuck with a cell phone glued to his ear talking to someone else with piss poor reception and swearing it's a godsend. Phones have cameras, color screens, clocks, video games, video feed, e-mail, text messaging and double as vibrators. They do every fucking thing under the sun BESIDES work well as a telephone, and they don't do any of them well.

Why would you want to send a stupid text message to someone else on a phone when you can call them and transfer more information faster? Why would you want to take a picture with the joke of a camera they have in them when the image looks like a retarded 4 year old's fingerpainting? We drive with them, we walk with them, we shop for groceries with them and I daresay some of us even have sex with them... just in case you get an important text message during cotius or absolutely have to start playing a piss-poor video game.

I ask you, would you not raise 14 kinds of hell if your house phone dropped a call? Your cell phone does it regularly. If your camera could only take pictures suitable for wallet-sized photos, would you not be pissed? That's all your cell phone can handle. If your computer or word processor only had 15 keys on it's keyboard, would you even bother using it?

No.

Don't you even dare write me whining about how I'm so wrong about YOUR phone. I think YOUR phone well deserves to be shoved up YOUR ass. I have a camera for taking pictures and it does so very well at 5 megapixels. Your swiss army phone takes them at 2. My hardwired telephone has crystal clear fidelity, your piece of shit doesn't work at all inside a metal building, and is half-assed at best talking to someone across the street. My computer has a real keyboard, real e-mail, and plays games besides snake. Your Nokia P.O.S. LTD has an embarrassing text entry scheme, a whopping 1" screen, and plays the most horrible excuse for a game imaginable. My Game Boy Color, the one that's currently sitting under about an inch of dust on my bookshelf from lack of use gives a more engaging experience.

Now let's talk batteries. With the exception of my camera, I don't have to worry about tying myself to some stupid charger because my batteries are going to die. And if they do, I can buy more anywhere in the country and I'm back in business. My camera also doesn't come with a contract, and I don't have to pay for minutes on it. My shit works. Your shit is just shit.

And STOP with the bilge you spew in all directions whenever you finish a call on one of these things about how great a calling plan you have. I don't want to hear about your free nights and weekends, free text messaging, free video chat, free ringtone downloads or anything else. If all this shit is free, why are you paying $80 a month, huh tough guy? Nobody wants to hear about you and your life's little mini-dramas, much less something as mundane as an itemization of an unnecessary bill. Nobody cares. In the grand scheme of things, you're not that important.

So in closing, I think they should try to make these cell phones work well as phones before adding fax machines and pseudo PDA functionality. Given how well they work as a telephone, what kind of dumbass could believe them to be able to competently do any of the other stuff?

If you think I'm talking about you, you're right.