Did you ever have someone say something stupid to you and have it feel like they were driving an icepick into your temples? Have you ever listened to someone speak for seconds on end only to realize that they were intellectually bankrupt and full of shit? Has the grating sound of another person's voice ever made you long to commit homicide? Fear not, for you are not alone!
This week I'll be deconstructing a few phrases that I have been violated by in the recent past. All words and phrases are graded in three categories: Origin, Level of Stupidity, and Level of Annoyance, as well as listing the average I.Q. of the user. The numeric scale for Stupidity and Annoyance is a 10 point logorythmic scale, with 1 being only as annoying as an orgasm, and 10 being the most annoying thing since Gilbert Godfried. Thus, something registering a 6 on the scale is twice as annoying as something registering only a 5. Also, I have included notes for victims of these phrases and those who have been sheltered from them, as well as frank commentary provided for perpetrators of each instance of aural assault.
If you have heard these phrases before, you have my condolences. If you have not, you have my envy. If you're one of the assholes who says these things, you have my bitter and unyeilding contempt.
Origin: Hip Hop Slang
Stupidity: 10
Annoyance: 8
Average I.Q. Of User: 90
For victims and sheltered people: This is a common one. Hip-hop culture has forced this horrible phrase upon us which is generally used in place of the english phrase "my mistake". Users feel that this phrase somehow makes them seem streetwise or cultured. It is designed to make you sound like an idiot.
For Offenders: Let me assure you that the word 'bad' is not a noun or verb. You cannot 'bad'. I don't care how hard you try. You also cannot carry around a 'bad' in your pocket. It is not a thing. What you mean to say is "Oops! My mistake!". You can also save time just by saying "Oops!". However, if you're stupid enough to say this phrase, you probably shouldn't be speaking at all.
Origin: Hip Hop Slang
Stupidity: 9
Annoyance: 6
Average I.Q. Of User: 75
For victims and sheltered people: Note the deliberately incorrect spelling. (This is entirely phonetic.) Were this phrase actually pronounced "Know What I'm Saying?", the speaker would be beaten, his Ecko shoes would be tied together by the shoelaces and thrown over a power line, and he'd be strangled with his own FUBU jersy. This is one that is thankfully becoming less common by the day.
Again, hip-hop culture has forced this upon us. It has no real value, but it is used to apparently make sure the other person is listening to you, agreeing with you, or as filler when you're too stupid to articulate your thoughts and give your brain a chance to catch up with the rest of the world. It is designed to make you sound like an idiot.
For Offenders: If you can't tell the simplest of stories without fishing for moral support, just shut the fuck up already. I hate you and so does everyone else. You have no real friends. There are many painless ways to commit suicide. Pick one.
Origin: Hip Hop Slang
Stupidity: 10
Annoyance: 10
Average I.Q. Of User: 81
For victims and sheltered people: This is the latest incarnation of the above offense "Know Whattam Sayin'?" After realizing that nobody gives a shit about what they think, they decided to play on emotion, rather than the intellect that they so sorely lack. It is designed to make you sound like an idiot.
For Offenders: Stop saying this. Every time I hear this aural sewage, the only thing I feel is that I've somehow been sexually molested. I don't want to feel any part of you. You look like William Jonathan Drayton, Jr. (Who calls himself "Flavor Flav"), who in turn looks like a homeless person. Stop asking me to feel you and go take a godammed shower.
Origin: Italian greaseballs in Philadelphia, P.A.
Stupidity: 8
Annoyance: 7
Average I.Q. Of User: 65
For victims and sheltered people: This word, if it can be called that, was invented by Italians in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and later adopted by the hip-hop crowd for use as filler, and as a type of punctuation. It is designed to make you sound like an idiot.
For Offenders: Yo? Yo what? Is this a bastardization of "Your", as in "Yo Momma"? Are you just trying to sound like a retarded Sylvester Stallone? Stop doing this. Sylvester Stallone? You quit doing it too.
Origin: Baby Boomers and Yuppies. Popularized around 1986 by rap.
Stupidity: 6
Annoyance: 4
Average I.Q. Of User: 90
For victims and sheltered people: This horrible example of pop culture in action has it's roots in yuppie speech. It roughly translates into meaning "They don't make 'em like this anymore", and implies that things were somehow better or of higher quality then. It is designed to make you sound like an idiot.
For Offenders: What the fuck are you talking about? What school? Are you referring to the one you dropped out of because you were too stupid to handle subjects other than basketball in gym? Oh, I "know what you're saying" all right. If you had any interest at all in 'old school' ways of doing things, you'd have learned proper english, and wouldn't be trying to bastardize the language with your slang word of the day that you just pulled out of your ass.
Origin: Surfer twits and Californian culture.
Stupidity: 10
Annoyance: 10
Average I.Q. Of User: 117
For victims and sheltered people: The marketing assholes out in California are responsible for this one. Especially the blonde headed surfer twits that call everybody "Dude". This is commonly used not to refer to someone who has actually died, but to promote a new type or color of product that isn't doing particularly well. It works like this: Some company decides to sell bumpers for a jeep wrangler in crayola 8 box colors. Up until now, they were only offered in, oh, chrome let's say. The day these things hit the market the company advertises them by saying something like CHROME IS DEAD! TEH NEW BUMPZ0RS ARE TEH R0X0RZ IN TEH C0L0RZ0RZ. These people are so desperate to start a new trend that they stonewall against all common sense, and attempt to make you believe that you're somehow missing out on what the new 'in' thing is. It panders to those with low intellectual wattage, and it is designed to make you sound like an idiot.
For Offenders: Like anybody gives a fuck what you think. This is a shallow, narcissistic approach that reeks of presumed superiority. If you could dream up a decent product, you wouldn't need to resort to this kind of jedi-mind-trick marketing. Just kill yourself and do us all a favor. Breathing is dead!
Origin: Black English of the 1980's
Stupidity: Off the scale
Annoyance: Ditto
Average I.Q. Of User: 90
For victims and sheltered people: More hip-hop rapper slang. This is supposed to imply agreement with something that has just been said. It is designed to make you sound like an idiot.
For Offenders: Word up? Shut up. I can give you a few suggestions about where you can shove this word up.
Origin: Rap
Stupidity: 8
Annoyance: 10
Average I.Q. Of User: 81
For victims and sheltered people: This is another example of "instant rap slang". It's used as a pronoun when greeting someone, as in "Wassup G?" (Translation, What's up, man?). "G" is short for "gangster" or "Gangsta'" in the street vernacular. It is designed to make you sound like an idiot.
For Offenders: Stop with all this "Godfather" bullshit. You are not a gangster, and neither am I. You're in the Crips, are you? Or maybe you're in the Bloods? Lightweights both of them. You're desperately trying to pretend you're on the same level as the Families from Sicily and it's pathetic. They'd have you dead in mere seconds. They wouldn't pull this 'drive by' bullshit, they'd go to your house and kill everybody there in front of a lot of witnesses and let them know why. They'd bomb your block to make sure they got you. They'd make bodies disappear. You're amateurs. Besides, you have no style, no class, and no personal identity. If you did, you wouldn't go around saying things because some drug dealer with a microphone tells you to.
Origin: Rap
Stupidity: 10
Annoyance: 10
Average I.Q. Of User: 67
For victims and sheltered people: Rappers again. Although now even rednecks are saying this. It's english equivalent is "Bitch". It is designed to make you sound like an idiot.
For Offenders: You mush-mouthed son of a bitch... You sound like you've just stuffed your face with boiled shit. I hope your welfare check doesn't come in. If you're a white redneck who says this, then may you someday go hunting with Dick Cheyney.
Origin: Hip-Hop Slang
Stupidity: 4
Annoyance: 7
Average I.Q. Of User: 77
For victims and sheltered people: *sigh* Yet more hip-hop bilge. This is a contraction of "What's up?", and is usually accompanied by a backwards nod of the head and a thrusting forward of the chin. It is designed to make you sound, (and look), like an idiot with Tourette's Syndrome.
For Offenders: You're possibly the laziest people I've ever seen. The best you can manage for a greeting is a one word grunt, is it? I suppose flinging your own shit at people in the mall is next. Why don't you just go the full nine yards and just stop speaking altogether? I'd appreciate it.
Origin: Fox News
Stupidity: 7
Annoyance: 9
Average I.Q. Of User: 120
For victims and sheltered people: This is a "Fox News" exclusive. Bill O'Reilley and crowd are fond of this phrase because they think it makes them sound cool. It's their buzz word for propoganda. It is designed to make the user sound intelligent, but it only serves to make them sound like an idiot.
For Offenders: I hate you and I hate your razzle-dazzle jargon. Only you care what you think. Stop forcing your idiotic catch phrase of the day on the rest of us. We quit laughing at your retardation a long time ago, and now you're just annoying.
Origin: Black English. Popularized through it's use in a SNL skit "Lazy Sunday".
Stupidity: 10
Annoyance: 10
Average I.Q. Of User: 48
For victims and sheltered people: A half-assed way of expressing agreement with something that was just said. It is designed to make you sound like an idiot.
For Offenders: What the fuck are you talking about? Mark Twain said: "It's better to be quiet and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt". He was talking to you. Here, eat this Drano. It's yummy.
Origin: Hip-Hop Slang
Stupidity: 7
Annoyance: 10
Average I.Q. Of User: 62
For victims and sheltered people: A slurring of the grossly incorrect phrase "I'm for real though". The intended definition of this phrase is that the speaker is telling you the truth. It is designed to make you sound like an idiot.
For Offenders: You're for real, are you? Is that anything like trying to tell me that you're serious and aren't joking with me? I thought you were telling me that you weren't a figment of my imagination or some hallucination that I was having. It makes me sad to know that you're "for real". I wish you weren't. I'd like nothing more than to have you disappear with the aid of some powerful psychoactive drugs so that I didn't think you were contaminating the gene pool with the sewage that is your DNA.
That's all for now folks. I can't handle the trauma of remembering any more of these things. Keep english alive, eh?
posted by Alan at 7:40 PM
1 Comments:
Alan,
Yo, sup...
My bad 'G'
old school is dead
know whattam sayin?
beeyotch
I'm furrildo
dont spin
word up
ya feel me
true dat
peace nigga!
btw... click on my name to see me in action!
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