Monday, March 27, 2006

Top Ten My Ass

Because in the grand scheme of things, you count for very, very little.

I am sick to death of fucking lists. Especially 'top ten' lists. They're everywhere. "Top ten ways to pick up hot chicks" "Top ten things David Letterman babbled about last night" "Ten common household items you can use to pry your head out of your ass". The list goes on.

Why do we need a "top ten" list of anything? And if we do, why should we accept that whoever is making these things up is some kind of fucking authority on the subject at hand? In fact, popularity lists in general piss me off because they assume that you, being a complete fucking moron, are incapable of deciding on your own what is cool. And since they, who are among the few people in the entire god damned universe to recognize what is and isn't worthwhile, they feel an obligation to point it out to retarded sons of bitches like you.

That may be fine for you mindless cattle out there who live and die for stupid bullshit on television like American Idol and Lost. Maybe you like having other people that you've never even met do your thinking for you.

Not me.

I would like to congratulate you special people for being good little sheep and punching your clocks. Drive and ambition are dangerous things, and thinking for yourself is no good at all. Those are the kinds of things that can ruin your life.

The thing that aggravates me most about these list-writers is that they seem to not understand that they're just like everybody else. Why should I pay money for a magazine just to have some skinny cheese-dick tell me what I should think is cool? For that matter, why should I even care what other people think at all?

And these lists have fantastic names. Top ten holiday parks. Ten things to drive your woman crazy in bed. Top ten science fiction films of the decade. Top ten myths about orgasms in fish...

Where will this nonsense end?

Who decides what will and won't make these lists? Maybe the ones with quantifiable data such as Top Ten Music Requests aren't quite as pretentious as the others, but you have to assume that anybody other than the owner of the radio station would give a fuck first. And they don't. Their entire argument rests on the assertion that they have the only opinion in the universe that matters.

Case-in-point: The so-called "worst video game of all time" is supposed to be E.T. for the old Atari 2600. It was rushed into production and finished in time for Christmas. People bought this game and didn't like it. There were lots of returns. Eventually the remaining copies were buried in a landfill and forgotten. Now here's the thing:

I liked the game.

That's right. I actually enjoyed playing E.T. I spent hours on it beating it over and over. Games back then weren't all that hot on graphics anyhow, and the very idea of having a quest of sorts to do was a lot of fun to me. Most importantly, people didn't try to tell me it wasn't cool to play, they just let me play it and I liked the thing. It was then that I realized the power of forming my own opinions, and that 10,000 people really can be wrong. Had I listened to popular opinion, (read: the opinion of some guy who claims to be popular), I never would've experienced this game. If you want a game that fucks, sucks and blows dead rats, might I suggest Mortal Kombat for any system. It possesses all the fun of watching paint dry, mixed with shitty graphics and no strategy whatsoever.

So take your lists of what you want everyone to think is cool and blow them out your ass. And no, don't give me another one called "Top Ten Things I've Blown Out My Ass". Nobody wants your stupid opinion. We have become a nation of consumer-zombies that believe everything we're told.

If it should strike you precious list writers that everything posted here is, in fact, my opinion, give yourself two points. Then go fuck yourself with them.

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Anonymous CLIFF YOUKNOW said...

I liked E.T. meself and just fer shits and giggles i always watch the movies that don't get a thumbs up they more often than not are better but thats just my opinion

6:59 PM  
Anonymous Troy from TODC said...


That is a hard comment to follow and its good to see people read Alan's harsher stuff here on Plainly Ranting. One of my favorite things about Alan is that he will tell you what he thinks.

I personally like American Idol, I also like David Letterman and his top ten lists. I wouldn't classify myself as a skinny cheese dick, but Alan does have a good point in this article.

People need to form their own opinions. I also agree with Cliff about the movies that don't get a thumbs up.

7:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Top Ten List of Words People Tend to Spell Incorrectly
1. Congratulate...


10:08 PM  
Blogger Alan said...

Dear Anonymous,

Thanks for the tip. I made the correction because you caught me. I don't know what to say. I'm completely flummoxed!

Okay, that's enough of that. You've had your moment. :D Too bad you didn't give me your name so you could get proper credit. Ain't life a bitch? Your 15 minutes is all used up and you didn't even leave a forwarding address. Hehehe.

Check back next Monday for more buttery goodness. And as always, thanks for the tipoff and for stopping by.

11:43 PM  

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