Sunday, April 16, 2006

A.D.D. my A.S.S.

Ritalin, the babysitter in a bottle!

Is your child afflicted with the horrible disease known as Attention Deficit Disorder? Do you have a loved one suffering with A.D.H.D.? They're major problems with today's children. Kids just can't seem to pay attention or settle down and not act like kids. But now there's help, and hope.

Have you considered harmless medicine like Ritalin, Strattera, Adderall, Concerta and a whole cocktail of other powerful psychotropic drugs to stone your kid out of his mind? Wouldn't you like the peace of mind that comes from having a depressed, quiet child in your home? Of course you'd like that. We all would. Because it's better to have a quiet child than a healthy one.

Far too many kids today act like little children with their constant running hither and yon, screaming and yelling and playing! If your kids act this way, there's something wrong with them, but remember that it's not your fault. Your child is merely a victim of a chemical imbalance, and you are a victim by extension.

We, the pharmaceuticals companies of America are here to help. We've developed medication for this terrible affliction that will bring your young one's personality in line with that of 1950's era sitcom child stars. He may well be a drooling, crayola-chewing idiot, but he'll be passive and non-destructive. In the end, isn't that what you really want for yourse... uh... your children?

Some kids react in a negative manner when it comes to taking our holistic medicines. If your child for some reason refuses to take his or her medication, remind them that it's for their own good. Remind them that they have a serious psychological disorder and that they aren't right in the head. Remind them that while they are chronologically disadvantaged, these drugs are necessary to warp their psyche into that of a normal, healthy adult, and that the sooner they can appreciate the mellow, the happier they'll be.

Now there are a few minor side effects of these medications, but they're not so bad, and many of them even negate one another. The side effects are:

Hypertension (high blood pressure)
Slowing of the growth rate
Increased risk of heart attack and stroke
Emotional oversensitivity, crying easily
Anorexia (loss of appetite)
Poor appetite and weight loss
Abdominal pain
Mood swings
Nausea and vomiting
Tachycardia (rapid heartbeat)
Hypotension (low blood pressure)
Dry mouth

BUT THEY'RE NOT HYPER! (and it's not you, so go ahead and catch up on that nap.) The Hypertension and Hypotension will cancel each other out anyway, as do the loss of appetite and nausea. The diarrhea balances out the constipation in the long run, as do the tics and drowsiness. This is not to forget the balance struck by the "Oversensitivity/Irritability/Mood Swing" trifecta. And we all know in the sensitive new millennium that a good cry can be therapeutic. See? Things aren't as bad as those few regressive parents say. Besides, having a disorder and being medicated for it is trendy!

But at least you don't have to actually raise the kid! And just think of how much easier it is to be able to do meth when your kid is just as twitchy as you are! Never fear that your child won't be raised, though. Madison Avenue and Hollywood will take care of that for you. It takes a village to raise a child, especially one with a pharmacy. That stuff about two parents rearing their offspring is a bunch of patriarchal bullshit designed to keep women subservient.

Or something...

That's it. I'm done with bleeding sarcasm. Does anybody but me see something wrong with the above line of thinking? All the kids I know, and I mean ALL the kids I know, are supposed to have some psychological abnormality that requires the use of heavyweight drugs. Lots of them.

Never fear, however. When life hands you a problem too big to handle, you can count on me to be there with my typically sage advice to help you through your day. In that spirit, this is the ONLY safe, drug-free program able to help your children cope with their disorder.

Beat the living shit out of them.

Put the fucking fear of God into the little hellion and stand up to this son-of-a-bitch-in-training. Remember, YOU are the parent, while THEY are the easily replicable offspring. Stop drugging your kid and start slugging him. Smack him across the house a few times when he acts up. He doesn't need medication, he needs corporal punishment and full-time parenting.

As I said, there are numerous drugs prescribed to children to keep them from bouncing off the walls, and for you, loyal readers, I did a little research on this subject and I found a very interesting quote:

These drugs increase the levels of the neurotransmitters dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin. Higher levels of dopamine are thought to reduce hyperactivity, while an increase in norepinephrine improves attention. The effects of low serotonin levels in children with ADHD are not fully understood.

Well that's pretty damned vague, isn't it?!? "We don't really know what the fuck we're talking about, but your kid should take these Flintstones Chewable Quaaludes because then you don't have to pay as much attention to them anymore. Besides, they're just kids, right?"

Another quote:

"When discontinuing these drugs, the dosage is tapered slowly. Abrupt discontinuation can lead to headache, agitation, and elevated pulse rate and blood pressure."

That's the same method used to break a cocaine addiction.

Harmless? I think not.

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Anonymous Yeah yeah, its just me.... said...

"The changes appear to be similar to those that occur with other stimulant drugs such as amphetamine and cocaine" (

"New Study Shows Early Ritalin May Cause Long-term Effects On The Brain" (
If I had more room, i'd paste about 50 more links to pages all about how the ever-popular "chemical spanking" isn't really as good as that butt whippin' most of us got when we were little.... drugs are bad! If you want your kids to calm down a notch... how about taking that Milo's sweet tea out of their bottle... what about the 9 glasses of kool-aid they consume every day... and how about that 7lb sugar and chocolate bar they eat for a snack...uhm, yeah, they're going to be a bit antsy. But hey, he'll probably need to turn to drugs later to cope with the emotional problems caused by your inattention anyway, so why not start em young :)

9:53 AM  
Anonymous Jeremy said...

I’m with you man. I knew this family that put their kid on Ritalin because he was “hyper active” and I couldn’t believe it. Ever since then I have been anti-prescription drugs. It may end up hurting me, but I see no need to become addicted to a drug prescribed by my doctor when I can get addicted to some that I can find on the street that will make me feel a heck of a lot better.

There really isn’t much for me to add to your article. Parents that choose drugs over parenting shouldn’t have had children, in my opinion. Every parent that I meet that mentions their kid has ADHD or ADD without a doubt I think to myself, “yeah right.” Maybe the kids have problems, but I don’t buy that they have some mental problem.

3:03 PM  
Anonymous troy from todc said...

dude, you said how I feel! My kid will never be on ritalin. I was an overly hyper kid that bounced off the walls. My parents put me on soccer. Just about everyday my Dad me take that dang soccer pill in the back yard! Back and forth with the dang pill on my foot.

OH, btw, I ended up getting a soccer scholarship to a division 1 soccer program and played 2 years of semi-pro soccer & I ended up meeting my wife in college who runs professionally. And just think, I could have none of this if they would have given me ritalin. DANG IT, I HATE MY PARENTS! (sense the sarcasim, Im so very thankful that there were parents who didn't want to put their children on drugs) Although, I am not sure when the drug became 'norm' I do know that many kids today are put on this crap!

9:10 PM  
Anonymous CLIFFYOUKNOW said...

no comment.

6:56 PM  
Blogger Alan said...

"No comment" is a comment.

2:09 AM  
Anonymous Angi said...

Being a mother of 2 sets of twins I prefer not to give my children meds that make them like zombies but as they need an education when they are in school they do need it.Now Alan, knowing my children, I would be beating then all the time.

1:05 AM  
Anonymous Denise said...

Alan you forgot about the drugs also causing sexual impotance later in life.

1:34 PM  
Blogger NecrochildK said...

Not to mention it causes long term effects of memory loss. I was in 4th grade and the teacher contacted my parents because I was drawing in class, saying to get me tested for ADD. Guess what, they slapped ritalin on me and turned me into a zombie and the teacher comes back with "She pays so much attention!" just because I was staring at her with that vacant drooly look. What they didn't realize, I wasn't ADD, I'm asperger's. Drawing was my focus and allowed me to better absorb the teacher's lectures because it gave me something to interact with. They took that away with the ritalin, guess what happened? My grades went downhill. I wasn't hyper, I was actually a very quiet kid. I just drew a lot because I needed some kind of interaction to learn. Hell, it's not even a learning disability, it's just a different way required to learn. But no, doctors and teachers know so much better and my mom was dumb enough to listen to them. Thanks to that, I've had all sorts of physical and memory problems since.

8:53 PM  

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