A.D.D. my A.S.S.



Ritalin, the babysitter in a bottle!

Is your child afflicted with the horrible disease known as Attention Deficit Disorder? Do you have a loved one suffering with A.D.H.D.? They're major problems with today's children. Kids just can't seem to pay attention or settle down and not act like kids. But now there's help, and hope.

Have you considered harmless medicine like Ritalin, Strattera, Adderall, Concerta and a whole cocktail of other powerful psychotropic drugs to stone your kid out of his mind? Wouldn't you like the peace of mind that comes from having a depressed, quiet child in your home? Of course you'd like that. We all would. Because it's better to have a quiet child than a healthy one.

Far too many kids today act like little children with their constant running hither and yon, screaming and yelling and playing! If your kids act this way, there's something wrong with them, but remember that it's not your fault. Your child is merely a victim of a chemical imbalance, and you are a victim by extension.

We, the pharmaceuticals companies of America are here to help. We've developed medication for this terrible affliction that will bring your young one's personality in line with that of 1950's era sitcom child stars. He may well be a drooling, crayola-chewing idiot, but he'll be passive and non-destructive. In the end, isn't that what you really want for yourse... uh... your children?

Some kids react in a negative manner when it comes to taking our holistic medicines. If your child for some reason refuses to take his or her medication, remind them that it's for their own good. Remind them that they have a serious psychological disorder and that they aren't right in the head. Remind them that while they are chronologically disadvantaged, these drugs are necessary to warp their psyche into that of a normal, healthy adult, and that the sooner they can appreciate the mellow, the happier they'll be.

Now there are a few minor side effects of these medications, but they're not so bad, and many of them even negate one another. The side effects are:

Tics
Hypertension (high blood pressure)
Slowing of the growth rate
Increased risk of heart attack and stroke
Emotional oversensitivity, crying easily
Headaches
Irritability
Anorexia (loss of appetite)
Poor appetite and weight loss
Abdominal pain
Dizziness
Fatigue
Mood swings
Nausea and vomiting
Tachycardia (rapid heartbeat)
Hypotension (low blood pressure)
Constipation
Diarrhea
Dry mouth
Drowsiness

BUT THEY'RE NOT HYPER! (and it's not you, so go ahead and catch up on that nap.) The Hypertension and Hypotension will cancel each other out anyway, as do the loss of appetite and nausea. The diarrhea balances out the constipation in the long run, as do the tics and drowsiness. This is not to forget the balance struck by the "Oversensitivity/Irritability/Mood Swing" trifecta. And we all know in the sensitive new millennium that a good cry can be therapeutic. See? Things aren't as bad as those few regressive parents say. Besides, having a disorder and being medicated for it is trendy!

But at least you don't have to actually raise the kid! And just think of how much easier it is to be able to do meth when your kid is just as twitchy as you are! Never fear that your child won't be raised, though. Madison Avenue and Hollywood will take care of that for you. It takes a village to raise a child, especially one with a pharmacy. That stuff about two parents rearing their offspring is a bunch of patriarchal bullshit designed to keep women subservient.

Or something...

That's it. I'm done with bleeding sarcasm. Does anybody but me see something wrong with the above line of thinking? All the kids I know, and I mean ALL the kids I know, are supposed to have some psychological abnormality that requires the use of heavyweight drugs. Lots of them.

Never fear, however. When life hands you a problem too big to handle, you can count on me to be there with my typically sage advice to help you through your day. In that spirit, this is the ONLY safe, drug-free program able to help your children cope with their disorder.

Beat the living shit out of them.

Put the fucking fear of God into the little hellion and stand up to this son-of-a-bitch-in-training. Remember, YOU are the parent, while THEY are the easily replicable offspring. Stop drugging your kid and start slugging him. Smack him across the house a few times when he acts up. He doesn't need medication, he needs corporal punishment and full-time parenting.

As I said, there are numerous drugs prescribed to children to keep them from bouncing off the walls, and for you, loyal readers, I did a little research on this subject and I found a very interesting quote:

These drugs increase the levels of the neurotransmitters dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin. Higher levels of dopamine are thought to reduce hyperactivity, while an increase in norepinephrine improves attention. The effects of low serotonin levels in children with ADHD are not fully understood.

Well that's pretty damned vague, isn't it?!? "We don't really know what the fuck we're talking about, but your kid should take these Flintstones Chewable Quaaludes because then you don't have to pay as much attention to them anymore. Besides, they're just kids, right?"

Another quote:

"When discontinuing these drugs, the dosage is tapered slowly. Abrupt discontinuation can lead to headache, agitation, and elevated pulse rate and blood pressure."

That's the same method used to break a cocaine addiction.

Harmless? I think not.