Sunday, April 09, 2006

An Open Letter To The Bail-Bondsmen Of America

This is an actual bondsman logo. I can't satirize this because it proves my point for me.
Original image copyright of Bad Boy Bail Bonds, Raleigh, N.C. Used without permission under "Fair Use" provisions of the Copyright Act of 1976. All rights reserved. Besides, you fuckers are getting free advertising. Quit bitching.

Dear Bondsmen,

The United States legal system is interesting. I learned long ago that it's not about what you did or didn't do, it's about what you can prove. In this country, you have prostitutes and pimps who spread disease for cash, you have drug dealers who make their fortune by ruining other people's lives for cash, and you have greasy lawyers who defend pure trash in the courtroom for cash. The almighty dollar seems to be a prime mover here. However, there is a class of slime worse than all the others combined. They make the act of arresting criminals pointless because if they, (the criminals), are well off enough, they can walk free.

They are known as Bail-Bondsmen.

I am writing today to express my concerns and opinions regarding your business practices. In short, I hate you all and think that you should feel ashamed to show your face in public. You provide services purely to the criminal element of society, even freeing them temporarily when they should well be held in confinement, and you do so for a fee. Your job is akin to loansharking. In fact, I see very little difference. If a person rapes a ten year old girl, you come running to the jailhouse with a fistful of cash to bond the asshole out for a 10% profit. All the while you somehow manage to delude yourself into thinking that you're providing a grand service to society. You are a cancer; a festering wound upon society, and I pray for the day that you will be excised. I lump you with prostitutes and drug dealers for spreading misery for cash. You are scum. Your bread and butter is trafficking in human suffering, and you should all be imprisoned. You do not deserve and you shall not receive my respect.

Laws in this country were written for a reason. If you follow and obey these laws, society works like a well oiled machine. When you don't follow them, people suffer. The system is supposed to encourage cooperation and penalize cheating. If you can't follow the rules, you don't get to play. So I ask you, what is the point of arresting a criminal if you're merely going to turn them loose again on bond? What the fuck is the point of putting someone in jail if one of you sons of bitches is just going to spring them twenty minutes later? Why don't we just send them to their goddammed rooms without supper until the court date?

Moreover, why can you and you alone access loan money at banks outside of normal hours of business for the purpose of freeing a suspect? What have you done to be able to secure the cooperation of judges and entire townships just to fleece suspects out of their money for temporary freedom after committing their crimes? Why can you get away with these acts of loansharking that would land anyone else in prison?

Because nobody is interested in justice, that's why; they just want money. You do know the definition of a person who will do vile and contemptible things for money, don't you? They're called whores. That's right, I said it: you're all a bunch of disease spreading whores. But the disease you spread isn't to a person, it's to society as a whole.

Let me close by telling you that I don't care in the slightest what you think of me, and should I ever be incarcerated for some reason, I will not come running to one of you for temporary liberty until my date in court. I would pay my debt to society for what I had done, and I would play by the rules. I am aware that this manner of thinking is totally alien to you, and makes absolutely no sense to choose to rot in jail when I could be out raping more children, but this is because I'm a man of principle and dignity, while you are all money grubbing scumfucks.

I await your response in this matter with great anticipation.


Mr. Alan Wortman, Concerned Citizen

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Anonymous troy from todc said...

intersting article Alan. Is this pointed to any particular bondsman or all in general? I'm taking it is to all bondsmen. So I take it you hate The Dawg! (bounty hunter in Hawaii)

6:05 PM  
Anonymous CLIFF YOUKNOW said...

FUCK DOG! THAT MULLET WEARING DIPSHIT.. I think Mr.Wortman has a good point in fact I agree with him
100% guys like that could use a good public flogging but I must state that not all bounty hunters are bondsmen I respect a good bounty hunter they are the ones that bring the fuckstick criminal
back to the cage when the wads skip out most of the time they are not very nice about it either
more power to them warm that fucks
coconut do them some good I think

8:02 PM  
Blogger Alan said...

Well Troy, I'm not sure who this "Dawg" person is, but I have to tell you that I can't muster much respect for a person who is so socially and emotionally bankrupt that he has to use an appellation like "Dawg" instead of his own name. Tell me, does the name make him tough or does a person make a name tough? (Hint: Tough people don't need nicknames.)

And this was an open letter to bail-bondsmen everywhere. I'm still waiting to hear from one.

By the way, bounty hunters are the people that fix the messes that bail bondsmen cause.

8:59 PM  
Anonymous Mishelle said...

I must say, this letter was more mild mannered than I thought it would be. Its like "Eat crap and die" and somehow not so offensive. Then again, thats not my occupation your trashing I liked it. Talk to you later.

11:53 AM  

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