Slick Bastards



Due to recent truth-in-advertising laws, Exxon Corporation announced this new logo. Besides, what are you gonna do about it, huh, tough guy?

I remember a long time back when gasoline was a paltry 89 cents per gallon. $15 would completely fill my tank and buy a coke to drink as I went about emptying it. Then prices rose, rose, and rose some more. Even when gasoline prices hit a dollar per gallon, (or .99 9/10ths... more on that later), I didn't think it was all that bad. Unfortunately, I've noticed a trend.

Gas prices, when they rise, do so by ridiculous amounts. Usually around a quarter a week during spikes, although if you have anything like short-term memory, you'll recall that it got a good deal more vigorous than that. (I know you're wondering where I'm going with this. Be patient.)

I suppose that the oil companies think that you're pretty stupid. They probably think you had to take remedial fingerpainting in junior high before you dropped out. I'd like to stand up and say, on the record, that they're 100% right.

You people are completely fucking retarded.

Remember when gas prices jumped during the first Gulf War? I don't mean they gradually increased as the conflict played out, I mean they jumped fifty cents a godammed gallon the day after we began bombing Iraq. What did you do? You whined, you bitched, but the one thing you didn't do was think. "These oil people are robbing us blind!" you all said. Your voices were heard by Big Oil, and they took action. What did they do? They raised prices again! And you kept on buying it. Oh how I wish I could abuse your stupidity for monetary gain!

So now if you're capable of following a train of thought, you'll remember that puts gasoline at about $1.79 9/10ths per gallon at this point. Eventually, after they thought that you'd sweated enough, but not before noting that you'd pay that price, they lowered things down to a mere $1.29 9/10ths per gallon.

And you mental defectives cheered that prices were so low.

I know that basic mathematics is wasted on those with double digit I.Q.'s. I know that. Nevertheless, I must point out that the net increase per gallon of gas was still thirty cents at the pump.

And so it went 'round the clock for years. A large jump, bitch bitch bitch, moderate cutback, gas prices rise. Stiff the retards, get 'em all worked up, then make them think they're getting a deal and suddenly everyone is grateful for such cheap gas. You'd think that people would catch on to this little plan of theirs, but when you're dealing with the mentally defective, it's easy to sucker them out of money.

Isn't it?

So here we are in 2006. There's a brand new Gulf War going on, gasoline hit $3.00 per gallon nationwide, and Big Oil just reported the largest profit for a fiscal year ever. I don't mean their largest profit ever, I mean THE largest profit ever. It's an outrage, isn't it? I predicted that prices would hit this level, and then there would be a cutback to $2.50 per gallon and everyone would be grateful for such cheap gas. And you know something? I was right. Not because I have inside information on the oil industry, not because I have the ability to see into the future either. It's because stupid people are very predictable and passive. You take things lying down because you're too chicken shit to stand up for yourselves, and nobody, so far as I know, has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the masses. (hint: That's you.)

Now prices have jumped in excess of $3.00 per gallon, and I predict they'll see $3.30 9/10ths before they slide again. When they do, they'll hover around 2.79 9/10ths and you'll all talk about how cheap gas is. It's a wonder more of you don't shit yourselves in public.

By the way, do you know why they charge 9/10ths of a cent on every gallon sold? I know it's a tax, yes, but do you know why? Why not just round it off and make an extra 1/10th of a cent?

Again, because you're stupid. $2.79.9 reads to you mouth breathers as Two Dollars and Seventy Cents, not as $2.80. If they advertised it like that and didn't take your mental midgetry into account, they'd sell less gas because you wouldn't want to pay the extra ten cents.

They've gotcha. They know they've gotcha, and they know that you're too dumb, too submissive, and just plain old too well-trained to do more than make noise. You'll never take action. You just accept what life throws at you. Now off you go to that factory! There's parts to be made... parts that require oil. And don't worry about all the stuff on your check stub. It's too complicated for you to understand, and you wouldn't do anything about it even if you could, anyway. Besides, shouldn't you be working? Isn't that what you get paid for?

(I tell you, reading between the lines is a lost art.)