Thoughts! Returns



Why do we say that something is as "funny as Hell"? I always thought that Hell wasn't supposed to be funny at all. In fact, it was supposed to be a place that was as far from funny as you can get. Now that I think of it, Heaven was supposed to be as far from Hell as you can get too. How is that possible? Are they different places? Do we have a Heaven, a Hell, and a Funny? Maybe we could say something was as funny as Heaven if they're the same place. But I think if I was given a choice between going to Heaven, Hell, and Funny, I'd probably pick Funny. It sounds like it'd be more entertaining.

Stalkers are just friends waiting to happen.

You can't judge a book by it's cover? Who says so? Often the information about the author and a synopsis of the book can be found on the dust jacket, which is indeed the cover. It should also be noted that just looking at the condition of the cover is enough to indicate whether or not a borrowed book from the library has been read a lot. To me, that's the mark of a good book. Furthermore, books that do really well and make the best-seller list generally have that information on the cover too. I'd say it's quite easy to judge a book by it's cover. I don't understand how this one ever got started.

Why does Phillip Morris have an anti-smoking campaign?

Whenever I see a package in the grocery store that says "Cured Ham", I sometimes wonder what it was cured of. Really, when you think of it, the ham must not have been cured of anything serious, because I'd lay even money that it's still quite dead.

Have you ever noticed that there are no sports played in the nude?

All I ask for is three sets of 18 year old female twins, blonde, brunette, and redhead, three quarts of strawberries, five gallons of cool whip, a magnum of champaigne, a waterbed, a million dollars, a five gallon bucket of viagra, two cases of condoms, and my own private state. Is that so wrong? Actually yes it is. The twins should be 21 so I don't have to leave the house to buy beer.

When they say something is "The Whole Ball of Wax", what ball of wax are they talking about? Is there really a large ball of wax somewhere? Where is it? Who made this ball of wax? How? And what desperate straits drove them to make it in the first place? Do people put great value on balls of wax? I'm sure male wax mannequins do, but given a choice I'll bet they'd want real ones.

Why do some brands of bottled water have a list of ingredients printed on the side?

Once I was given a fifty question true or false test in school. Since it was true or false, I didn't study because I reasoned that even if I just guessed, I had a fifty-fifty chance of getting the answers right. I made a fifty.

It's not the ups and downs in life that'll get to you. It's the jerks.

Am I the only one who thinks it odd that there is such a thing in this country as a fertilizer industry? You can go to your local Wal-Mart garden center and buy 50 pound bags of shit. They call it compost, but it's shit with a few twigs and dead leaves mixed in. I wonder what type of person can justify buying in bulk something that you'd pay a plumber anything he asked to make go away.

Diabetics are really sweet people.

Snapple labels have the most annoying tagline in the world. They call their products "Juice Drinks". Well no shit. What else are you going to do with juice? Make suppositories? Or how about juice inhalers? Maybe you can have juice garglers. You don't swallow them, you just rinse and spit. Slobber your way to good health!

I think whimsy is much more interesting and fun than fantasy. Give me a fiddle-playing cat over an elf any day.