Monday, May 29, 2006

25 More Things David Blaine Could Do

David Blaine is not a magician. He's not even an entertainer. He's a schmuck, a hack, and a raging moron.

His latest "trick" was to spend a week underwater in a big plastic bubble. That's not magic. Hell, that's not even entertainment! Take away his fucking oxygen mask I say. If he can survive for a week then, I'll be impressed.

Besides, there are countless people in this country who have been on oxygen and other means of life support for far longer than a week. It doesn't make you special, David. It just makes you a pretentious prick to think that anyone with an I.Q. over 80 would care about what amounts to you going swimming. Yes, I know it's an incredible feat of endurance to take a fucking bath.

What else has he done? Let's see, he was suspended over the Thames river for 44 days in a clear box. Oooo. Scary. He was a dumbass and let them freeze him into a block of ice for sixty some-odd hours. Lame.

Since I'm a helpful kind of guy, I thought I ought to give him a few ideas for future stunts that would be a lot more interesting than the things he's done so far.

1) Interstate Camping

It's pretty simple, really. Blaine sets up a tent in the middle of the eastbound lane of I-94 in Chicago and stays inside for a week.

2) Skyscraper Diving

Just pick a nice skyscraper, like the Chrysler building, and swan dive off the top of it into a damp sponge. They'll love that!

3) Bleach Transfusion

This is a classic. Since he's into this "endurance" shit anyway, why not just see how much he can tolerate? Pump a gallon of his blood out and replace it with Clorox!

4) Gorilla Wrestling

David gets into a fistfight with a 800 pound gorilla and wrestles himself into the shape of a mangled human pretzel.

5) Decapitation

David Blaine chops off his own noggin with a guillotine to prove he can survive longer than the chicken, who holds the 18 month record for living without a head.

6) Self Trapanning

This is a fun one! David Blaine takes an industrial impact drill with a six inch long 1/2" wood bit and starts drilling holes into his own skull down to the chuck. He will be attempting to beat the seven hole record by a man who committed suicide via this method.

7) Shotgun Blast To The Head

Here, David Blaine attempts to beat Kurt Kobain's record of a single shot.

8) Jump Through A Running Jet Turbine

Blaine rides a motorcycle Evel Knievel-style through the running engine of a Boeing 747.

9) Mine Shaft Explosion

Here, our hero sets off a coal dust blast while under a mountain. Good stuff!

10) Jump From A Plane Without A Parachute

The record for surviving a fall without a parachute is 33,330 feet. David attempts an atmospheric reentry from orbit. Naked.

11) Drive A Sword Through Your Own Neck

David impales his throat with several sharp swords. Wholesome family entertainment.

12) Swallow And Detonate A Live Fragmentation Grenade

Not to be outdone by Daffy Duck, David shows that not only animated fictional characters can do the fun things! He also attempts to juggle.

13) Pass Through A Running Wood Chipper

In an incredible test of cunning and endurance, David Blaine dives into a machine designed to chew logs and branches into hamster bedding.

14) Hemlock Ingestion

In an attempt to survive where Socrates failed, Blaine subsists on Hemlock for a week... or ten minutes. We'll let you know.

15) Dale Earnhardt Tribute

David drives a rocket-propelled Fiat into a brick wall at 200 MPH.

16) Self-Barbecue

Here, Blaine survives inside a huge barbecue cooker for twenty hours while a 400 lb. hog roasts to perfection alongside him.

17) Deep Fried

In this monumental stunt, David submerges his head into a vat of 350° boiling grease and holds it there for three hours.

18) Burned At The Stake

Blaine demonstrates his remarkable endurance by tying himself to a stake and setting himself on fire.

19) Penny On The Rail

Blaine attempts to derail a speeding locomotive by allowing it to run him over lengthwise while he lies on the track. His mastery of the "Iron Crotch" skill will be demonstrated for all to see.

20) Brain Bash

In this daring stunt, David ties himself to a telephone pole while six lumberjacks beat him in the head with 20 lb. splitting mauls. He is attempting to break the previous record of 4 hours of bludgeoning.

21) Sans Testicles

Not to be outdone by Indian Fakirs, Blaine chops off his own genitalia with a dull machete on live television.

22) Self-Surgery

Herein David Blaine performs open heart surgery upon himself without anesthetic. Endurance, man. Endurance.

23) Deep Diving

Blaine attempts to dive down to the wreckage of the RMS Titanic sans any special equipment besides a wetsuit.

24) The Burn

In this remarkable feat, David Blaine buries himself up to his neck in sand next to a fire ant colony, and then has honey poured over his head. He remains in this position for an incredible 44 days without food or water!

25) The William Wallace Extravaganza (aka "Killed Alive")

In this simple, yet heartwarming stunt, David Blaine allows himself to be drawn, quartered, eviscerated and beheaded while a live audience looks on.

As you see, there's a lot of life left in David Blaine yet, and I am doing my part to remedy that situation.

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Blogger Z. Madison said...

I'm not sure #21 would work as I'm positive the girlyman doesn't have the...spare work with.

8:29 AM  
Blogger Alan said...

GAH! A glaring oversight on my part. I offer my most sincere apologies for any confusion this may have caused.

Welcome to Plainly Ranting, Z. I hope you've enjoyed the walk through my head. Thanks for commenting, and I hope to see you again.

9:42 AM  
Anonymous Jeremy said...

Man these are great stunts. I would pay to watch any of them. He could even have it put on pay per view and i'd pay for it. #8 has my vote. COME ON, BE A MAN BLAINE.

7:31 PM  
Anonymous Troy from todc said...

#10 is what I'd like to see done. Why? Well because it is actually something that could be done.

I'd say Blaine should go for 33,332 feet!

I will admit I did catch the whole Blaine trying to break the world record and I did think it was really really lame. If I were there I would have been getting a group of my friend to go and repeat with me "Blaine is a baby, Baline is a baby" I mean grown men do cry but not after living in a bubble for x amount of days!

10:29 PM  
Anonymous CLIFFYOUKNOW said...

all of your ideas are funny i would love to see any one of them
but the most amazing thing about this post is that no body noticed
the spooky resemblance the pic of blaine has to lets say mr.potato head now thats fucking magic WooHaaa!!!

12:12 AM  

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