Saturday, May 13, 2006

Don't Listen To Me

Pay me no attention, for I can only get you in trouble. My advice is without merit and my opinions are wrong. Only a fool, lame of mind, would ever give my ramblings any credit.

I think illegal immigration is a problem, although no one else does. If the current legislation granting amnesty to illegal immigrants passes, we'll no longer be a nation under the law, but rather a nation under mob rule. But as I've said, I don't know what I'm talking about. Pay me no heed.

I believe children should be taken off these medicinal cocktails and be disciplined instead, because controlling the population through drugs is a dystopian ideal straight out of books such as "1984", "Fahrenheit 451", "Brave New World", and "We". But since everyone tells me that I'm wrong, I guess they must be right. Clearly something is wrong with me. Why would I want to be an Alpha anyway?

I say we're getting fucked by the oil industry when they report the largest profit of all time for a single fiscal year, (and the 4th largest ever for last quarter), and coincidentally raise gasoline prices to the highest they've ever been. This is to say nothing of giving a multi-million dollar retirement package to one of their CEO's. But I'm just an ignorant rube from a small town with no college education, and am not privy to the council of the mighty. What would I know about such matters?

I submit to you that television programming is a waste of money, when all that's on is crap like soap operas, American Idol and Lost. Educational programming is a relic from a bygone era, and I mourn it's passing. Yet what would you expect from someone so backward and ignorant; someone so blatantly lacking in sophistication? People like me need educational programming. I'm sure it's obvious that I am plainly envious of all those who do have cable programming in their homes, and that I simply can't afford it. So much like the fox in Aesop's fable, I am merely rationalizing my failure to achieve a desired result. Sour grapes indeed.

I want to share with you that I suffer from crippling apathy. I do not healthily chase after nor keep up with the lives of celebrities. I have no idea who Britney Spears is married to, or how many kids she has. I can't tell you who the latest teen idol is, what the lyrics are to any Eminem song, or the first names of the judges on American Idol. I know more about my neighbors than I do about fictional characters and superstars that I'll never meet. Michael Jackson doesn't interest me in the slightest. I am obviously mentally ill.

I am forced to hang my head in shame when I say that I am a straight, white male. I just don't know what's wrong with me. I am not sexually aroused by the sight of naked men, and I am not in touch with my feelings. I've never kissed a boy or even held his hand. I do not have a queer eye. As you can see, I am clearly emotionally unstable and very, very repressed. Is incoherent babble from a guy like me what you want poisoning your mind?

Further, I am hideously overweight at 270 pounds. My skeleton is not visible through my tightly stretched skin, and I attempt to keep any food I've eaten down until I've digested it. I have the gall to wake up of a morning and not feel like I have the flu because I've killed myself with exercise at the gym the day before and I'm starving myself by only taking in 1500 calories a day. Obviously I am a bad role model.

Worst of all, I am an omnivore. I shamelessly consume red meat, tubers, soda, processed foods and white bread along with the occasional green things. I'm not on a trendy diet such as The Mediterranean Diet, The South Beach Diet, Atkins, or Weight Watchers. I am in need of help. Emulating my lifestyle will surely clog your arteries and kill you.

I am clearly a backwards, narrow-minded creature who never really had a chance in life. Don't listen to what I have to say. Pay me no attention, for I can only get you in trouble. My advice is without merit and my opinions are wrong. Only a fool, lame of mind, would ever give my ramblings any credit.

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Anonymous Jeremy said...

Some of us are listening to you. You highlight some serious problems in our society. What do we do about it? Too bad there isn't an organization around that polices all the ignorant activities of our government and our society. In the end what can we do about it? One solution, as you've pointed out, is to beat the crap out of your kids. Start at home. Teach our kids to respect authority and teach them to demand that respect in return from others.

9:15 AM  
Blogger Alan said...

Well Jeremy, if anyone cares to vote me into office, I promise that whenever anyone does something stupid, I will personally go to his or her house and work them over with a tube sock filled with shit.

3:25 PM  
Anonymous Troy from TODC said...

hey nice ramble you idiot! Oh calling you an idiot was for calling me a fool! Im also not 'lame of mind', what are you, a marsupial?

9:54 AM  

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