Sunday, May 07, 2006


It Came From Thoughts!




  • The problem with marriage isn't that you're committed to one person from now on, the problem is the mathematics involved. Statistically 100% of all marriages end in either death or divorce.


  • It seems to me that counterfeiting money by hand shouldn't really be a crime. I think that if you can forge a bill freehand accurately enough so that it passes for a real one, then as far as I'm concerned you've made money and you deserve to be able to spend it. Come on, counterfeiting is a lot of work! And why do we work? To make money. Counterfeiting is the act of making money. Ergo, counterfieting = work. See? Case closed.


  • If Barbie is supposed to be so popular, why do you have to buy friends for her? Shouldn't they just come with the doll?


  • On one hand, I find it interesting that Wal-Mart stores don't sell toy guns anymore, but the sporting goods section sells real ones. On the other, I find it disturbing that the sporting goods section is located right next to the toy aisle.


  • Why is necrophelia illegal? It really is a victimless crime; totally disgusting, but victimless.


  • If a diamond is forever, why do they want you to keep buying more of them?


  • There is no feeling of satisfaction in the world greater than witnessing someone you hate make a costly and stupid mistake.


  • Two words: Goat Porn.


  • Brain surgery is really simple.
    Step 1: Make hole
    Step 2: Whittle


  • Did you ever wonder what kind of spider makes cobwebs? Research has shown me that it's a little yellow guy known as a "Corn" spider, and in medieval times folks used to bring it to people's attention by saying "Look at the little corn on the cobwebs." But they were British and their thinking doesn't always make sense. The indians used to call it the "Maize" spider.


  • Melena is defined by the Online Medical Dictionary as: "stools stained black by blood pigment or dark blood products". This is often indicative of gastrointestinal haemorrhage, for example as a result of a peptic ulcer, whereas bleeding from the lower bowel usually results in a brighter red discharge as the haemoglobin in the blood does not have time to oxidise before being expelled. Similarly, semen in the stool is usually a primary indicator that the patient is a complete and utter homosexual.


  • Whose job is it to make sure the fries at McDonald's are always cold and rubbery?


  • Here's a thought experiment for you that shows how fucked up we are. Say that you have a rowboat made of wood. You keep it and use it for a long while, and as time goes it's way, eventually the boards that it is made of are damaged and need to be replaced. As you make the repairs, you save the old wood, never throwing it away. Eventually, you'll wind up replacing every single plank, right? So... what if you go back and reassemble the original wood back into a boat again? Which boat is the original?


  • In China, what wine goes with dog?



  • More definitions!

    Gelobareliapophobia: The fear of laughing your ass off.

    Paradox: 1) Two parallel locations to moor your boat. 2) Twin surgeons.

    Decapitation: The act or instance of having one's head chopped off.

    Decrapitation: Similar to decapitation, but, ...butt.



  • It's fairly common knowlege that the indians used to say that a person who lied "speaks with forked tongue", but what isn't as widely known is that they said a woman who cheated on her husband "fucks with two-holed cunt".


  • Why don't they have three-ply toilet paper?


  • I think we need at least one meat-flavored breakfast cereal.


  • When you're driving down a street with a center stripe, and you see a manhole cover that someone has recently done maintainance on, do you get annoyed if the stripe on the manhole cover isn't lining up with the one on the road anymore?


  • I don't understand why guys prize virgins. I mean, come on... they don't even know how to fuck yet. Give me a loose, well-ridden slut that'll swallow cum over a confused, uptight 18 year old cherry any day. Preferably on Wednesday. That's when I can use the relaxation. Hey, why do you think they call it "hump day"?



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2 Comments:

Anonymous Troy from TODC said...

Alan,

The world largest necropolis is over in China! Do you want to go? We can swing by McDonalds on the way or maybe you prefer to wait until we arrive and eat some dog with our wine (hey then we find out what they recommend). If we are lucky while we are down there we can find some well-ridden necrosis. but maybe you prefer the goat porn! Anyways, dude, they make Barbie in China so I am sure we can get her friends really cheap!

7:38 AM  
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8:41 AM  

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