Monday, June 19, 2006

Bride Of Thoughts!

  • I think a fist-shaped vibrating dildo with an outboard motor would sell.

  • We pay the phone bill , the gas bill, and the light bill, but we don't get a dark bill, a solid bill or a heavy bill. Do waterfowl have to pay a duck bill? Sometimes you see a sign that says "Post no bills". Could you hang that on your mailbox to keep the mailman from delivering attempts at debt collection? What if the mailman's name was William?

  • Is "halla" the arabic word for dog?

  • I've never seen an overly-emotional orange before. In fact all the fruits in my refrigerator are well-behaved. They make very little noise. Actually I've never even seen them move. They're like vegetables.

  • I enjoy making impossible demands of children.

  • We have popsicles, why don't we have momsicles? If they were really large, could we call them grandpopsicles? By the way, in wintertime, snotsicles are pretty common, but you don't see anyone trying to sell them. In fact, nobody ever says "Boy, I can't wait to get home so I can have a snotsicle! That would sure hit the spot!"

  • Okay, maybe that's a little too gross for some of you, but you've gotta admit, it would be pretty nutritious and boost the immune system. (Hey, you already eat Jell-O. Just look where that comes from.) But I think the snack companies are missing a good bet; think of all the vitamins and minerals in urine. Piss-sicles! Wouldn't that be good? Or how about we go the final step and make, (That's right, I'm saying it), Shit-sicles! Frozen shit-on-a-stick! Can't you just see someone sucking on one of these on a hot day? Chocolate flavored! Yes sir! It would probably look like a cigar. Think of that next time you see somebody smoking one. Talk about getting shit-faced, eh?

  • Half the fun is getting there. The other half is getting naked.

  • Have you noticed that guys treat sex like some kind of job or construction project? We hammer, bang, nail, and screw. How come we don't chisel, putty, caulk or saw? Although we do spackle, plumb, bump and grind, you never hear anyone bragging about getting to sand, grout, shingle or mortar some chick. We lay, but we don't pour. We plow, but we don't till. We knock but we never ring. Jesus Christ, don't people just fuck anymore?

  • Just because you're unique doesn't mean you can't be replaced.

  • Definitions: (Because you know you love these god damned things.)

    Bicycle: (n) bI·sik·ul
    a. A two pronged frozen treat.
    b. A transportation device for those with "alternate lifestyles".

    Hard Drive: (n) hard·drIv
    a. A 20 mile trip during rush hour.
    b. A device in your computer designed to destroy data.

    Fingernail: (v) fin·gur·nAl
    a. Bringing a woman to orgasm with just a single digit.
    b. A common carpentry accident resulting in profuse swearing.

    Basketcase: (n) bas·kit·cAs
    A container used to store your basket when it's not in use.

    Gatorade: (n) ga·tur·Aid
    The Florida Wildlife Conservation Agency.

    Pylon: (v) pI·lon
    a. What I want to happen with the toppings on my pizza.
    b. What I never want to hear my daughter say to the football team.

    Condom: (n) con·dum
    a. An 8" x 2" Glossy. Suitable for framing.
    b. How shady people describe making money.

    Tits: (n) tits
    The things you pretend to be interested in until you can get her pants off.

  • Fuck activists!

  • ...With a big rubber dick!

  • What is "Extra Virgin" olive oil? Have you seen this shit? What ever happened to Virgin olive oil, huh? Or just the regular "well-ridden slut" olive oil? How can they tell how much olive oil gets laid? When it gets right down to it, I'd like to know how you can be an extra-virgin in the first place. Is an extra virgin simply one more virgin than you need? Or maybe it's just a really, really fat chick that hasn't been around anybody drunk enough to fuck her yet. Or that one morbidly obese, pizza-faced guy you know who laughs with a wheese at everything with the coke bottle-bottom glasses who is doomed to be a platonic friend for the rest of his life. And what on earth would you need olive oil with a virgin for? On second thought, never mind. I think I've worked it out. Sounds messy though.

  • If you go to Google and type in a search for "Roaches", and your webcam comes on, you might need to get in touch with an exterminator.

  • Whenever you try to dial a telephone number that you think is long distance, but it really isn't, you get a voice that tells you "it is not necessary to dial a one or a zero" when making the call, right? Well what I want to know is, if they know you've dialed a superfelous one or a zero, and they have things set up to tell you what kind of dumbass you are for dialing them, why don't they just ignore the god damned thing and put your call through in the first place?

  • I don't like getting flu shots. There's something about the idea of paying someone to stab me in the ass with a hypo loaded with a disease that they're "pretty sure" is dead that doesn't sit well with me.


    An angler fish is ugly. REALLY ugly. I mean like "Death Eating Crackers While Assfucking Your Grandmother" ugly. Have you ever seen one? No? Well you're lucky. It was like this one time when I saw my grandpa riding grandma like he was in a rodeo or something. I tell you, there's nothing on earth worse to look at than saggy nana-tits with liver spots on them connected to a bag of wrinkles that's being fucked doggy-style by another bag of wrinkles with a pacemaker, a back brace, and a colostomy bag. That's the kind of thing that'll blind you and cause you to go see a therapist. The kind of thing that makes you scrub your eyeballs with lye and a wire brush to get the image off your retinas. Especially when it's in your living room with the curtains open and the blinds up with all the lights on. Then you have the people who call the police and the cops come knocking on your door with a complaint and everything, and there's your grandpa with a dick the size of a roll of sausage and balls like a furry bag of apples just pounding away on a 99 year old browneye with a whisker biscuit that has a full mustache and beard that she braids, and then the cop takes one look and gets sick and vomits jelly doughnuts and coffee all over your welcome mat while the old people are too deaf to know that people are watching them do the nasty on the indian rug that they're slopping her yellow cunt juice and half a bottle of "Anal-Ease" on. (Or was it olive oil?) All the while the dog is licking the old man's nuts and asshole. Or maybe it was the cat. I can't remember. But even still, it's just one step above necrophelia, you know? If you're old enough to come dust, you really don't need to be having sex at all. Now where was I? Oh yeah... Well these angler fish, they're pretty rough looking. But they have this little light thingy on their heads to attract other fish. I think it's creepy.

  • Why is it that whenever your neighbors get drunk and are playing music a little too loudly, it's always some annoying shit that you've never heard of and couldn't identify if you wanted to?

  • And since we're on that subject, do you ever lay there and listen to the music for a while just trying to figure out what the fuck it is and who it's by, and it turns out to be some thumpy-bump country shit like, "Since you left me" (I've been uh fuckin' the dawg), by Wally Cowgill Jr.?

    And the worst thing is that now you can't get it out of your head, right? It stays with you day in and day out. 'Round the clock. You find yourself humming it at work and start looking for a place to commit suicide.

  • At what point do you consider your underwear to be too dirty to wear for another day?

  • Tuna does not require "helper".

  • And since we're on the subject of Tuna, the label "Tuna fish" has too many words. Everyone knows tuna is a fish. My 4 year old retarded nephew knows tuna is a fish, and he likes to play in the blue water for brown fish and laughs at car accidents. We also do this with Catfish and Dogfish. In fact, it seems that fish is the only food that we give this overly-descriptive treatment. But to follow the example, why don't we have Chicken Bird, Cow Beef, Pork Swine, or Celery Plant? Why not Apple Fruit, Bovine Milk, Duck Fowl or Turkey Avian? Because it sounds stupid. It's Tuna. Period. Fuck you.

  • Recently while driving I saw a roadsign that read "End Doubled Fines". Fuckin' A! I'll vote for that!

  • If you're going to fail, always try to do so at the highest possible level so it makes a great story. I'm easily amused by that kind of stuff.

  • I think I might have a little Jewish blood in me somewhere down the line. I'm not very good at chemistry and I can't even tell the difference between hydrogen cyanide and shampoo. Also, I can carry on an entire conversation for over a half hour with nothing but questions, and I can't stand to pay retail price.

  • World War III never happened.

  • A person I know from work has this cat that she'd owned for 17 years. One day it died and the people up at work bought her a sympathy card and asked everyone to sign it. So I did. Just my name. Later, my boss comes around and says that I should really write something a little more personal. So I added, "I bet a dog would last longer." Then he gets all pissed at me! What the fuck is that?

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