Fuck Diamonds!


Why do people value diamonds? Does anybody even know? What makes them special, eh? Is it because they're hard? Is that it? Do they taste really good with a nice red wine? Or is it that they've been found to cure cancer and I'm the only one who hasn't been told yet?

This is the kind of pie-in-the-sky, mouth agape mindlessness that makes my balls hurt. I tell you now that the diamond industry, and jewelry in general, is the most narcissistic bunch of bullshit that has ever come down the pike. Diamonds are rocks that wash up on the beach in South Africa, and can be mined in quite a few other places around the world. They are not unique things, have no practical worth, and can be found most anywhere that the DeBeers cartel stench is detected in the air.

Were you aware that they're flammable? No? Absolutely. They'll burn like a lump of coal. In fact, they're made of exactly the same thing. Chemically they're identical.

You are not going to convince me, no matter how hard you try, that a lump of pressurized coal is essential to my survival and happiness; regardless of any amount of propaganda you choose to slather it with.

Besides, there are many other gemstones out there besides diamonds and they come in a variety of colors. If you get right down to it, diamonds have no use but to serve as an object of conspicuous consumption. They can be manufactured in the laboratory to serve as abrasive coatings on precision grinding tools, to enhance the cutting edge of a drill bit, and many other things besides. They are no longer a wonder of nature. They are no more unique and interesting than concrete, and for the same reasons.

To fabricate a diamond, all that is required is to heat and pressurize anything with carbon in it. And I mean anything. Let me repeat that because it sounds vaguely important. To fabricate a diamond, all that is required is to heat and pressurize anything with carbon in it. And I mean anything. Coal. Asphalt. Tree bark. Peanut butter. The mouse you caught in a trap last night. Your old gym shorts. All of it will yield diamond. Diamonds are not special by any means. Perhaps the most flattering thing I can say about diamonds is that the carbon out of which they were created was once inside an exploding star... but then again so was everything that makes up your family dog and the shit he leaves for you to pick up every morning; along with every single other thing on Earth and in our solar system.

Some of you may be thinking about these old jeweled precision watches you've heard about as a kid. Again, they're no longer necessary. Regarding mechanical applications, jewels of any kind are no longer used in watches, unless you count the microscopic quartz crystal inside, (a.k.a. refined glass), which is so stupefyingly cheap and ubiquitous that nobody in their right mind would dare to try to monopolize the source. Electronic clocks have rendered jewel timepieces obsolete. Modern electronics are more accurate by many orders of magnitude, never require winding, and are far less expensive to manufacture. To say it another way, a watch you get from a vending machine with a picture of the Incredible Hulk on it for fifty cents keeps more accurate time than a $3000 jewel precision Rolex.

Keep in mind that diamonds and the jewelry industry in general has lost a lot of it's old market, so now the only thing left is to pander to the stupid. Luckily for the gem merchants, these idiots just happen to comprise a vast majority of those who claim to be 'romantics'. I could give you a host of links to various advertising demonstrating my point, but I'm going to pass. You've seen these things before, and if not, you don't have to look all that far.

For those precious few holdouts against my logic, let me say this: It's not romantic to buy a rock. It's for damned sure not romantic to pay two month's salary for said rock. If your woman demands that you get her a diamond to prove how much you love her, run away screaming. She is a shallow, materialistic individual whose mental capacity can handle little more than trading pussy for shiny objects. This behavior is not indicative of desirable DNA for offspring. How romantic. "If you'll fuck me, I'll give you this shiny rock". Slow down, Casanova. Slow down.

To wrap this whole thing up, the diamonds people, all of them - from the DeBeers company who use the money to support death squads in Africa to the uppity cunt at the local jewelry store who wants you to prove yourself worthy of buying her product- are selling you a snobby, elitist, and completely useless item. And remember, only by buying their product can you, the misbegotten worm, transform into a creature of elegance and beauty such as they.

Fuck 'em I say! Lock them all into a small cell and give them nothing but diamonds to eat for two months. I'll bet they lose that snobby, upturned nose pretty damned quick.

Don't even get me started on the Russell Stovers assholes.