The Tabloid News



Hey everybody! How's it going? It sure is good to see you again. Are the wife and kids doing okay? Yeah? Oh that's great, man.

Now that we've got the formalities out of the way, do you know what I could do without for the rest of my natural life? These fucking tabloid newspapers taking up space at the checkout counter at supermarkets. Well okay, maybe it's not the papers per se that I utterly loathe so, but the people who buy and read this nonsense have simply got to go. I understand that the publishers of these voids of worth have done nothing more than offer a product to an audience who demands it. I'll be the first one to admit that it's a sin to allow stupid people to keep their money, but even still, we have got to start phasing these folks out.

Just look at the headlines with which they assault us! (And take note of how they wear out their exclamation mark key; it's their sole form of punctuation.) Britney and Kevin Split! Liz Taylor Alzheimers Tragedy! It's Not Brad's Baby! Nostradamus Prophecies Predict the End of the World! Jesus Sighted at Vatican! Ghost of Pope John Paul II Performs Miracles! Batboy Captured! Paul McCartny Weds Girl Half His Age, Has Baby! Elvis Sighted at Graceland! Gilbert Godfried Cancer Shocker! Who's Too Thin in Hollywood! Princess Di Was Giving The Driver Head! Kennedy Scandal! (Boy does THAT one get a lot of print.) NEW Nostradamus Prophecies Found In Cave Under Church! Horrible Disease That Rots Your Face Off Discovered In Akron Ohio! Complete List of Who's Gay in Hollywood! Latest Relationship News From Jessica Simpson and What's His Name! Jessica Alba Marries Somebody You've Never Heard Of In Secret Ceremony: Juicy Details Inside! How Jennifer Lopez Brushes Her Teeth! Tom Cruise Eats Placenta Of Firstborn! etc. etc. etc...

Why would anyone in his right mind give two fucks about any of this crap? Why do you want to know this in the first place? Why!?! Do you know these people? Do they really mean anything to you? Is this what you call worthwhile news? Good God in Heaven I hope not. I wouldn't use these so-called news publications to wipe my ass if I was out of paper. I'd sacrifice socks first.

And why do I care what you read anyway? "What stake", you may ask, "do I have in how you choose to be entertained"? Quite simply it's because you mouth-breathing pinheads embarrass me. That's right. I am embarrassed to admit that I share genetic material with a species capable of deriving entertainment from this kind of mindless prattle. Where is the challenge? Where is the value? Not even Ben Stiller makes me want to hang my head in shame so, and I hope he dies as soon, and as violently, as possible.

I'm honestly worried to death that some of you special needs assholes actually vote based on what these tabloid rags print. I'm worried that you plan your lives around what these people tell you. I'm terrified to think that you may have already bred. This is not the way to keep up with current events. It is living a vicarious voyeuristic fantasy life, and it's a sign of a very, very sick mind.

If you read this kind of garbage, this pure bilge, know that I am not pleading for the sake of my own intellect, but rather I'm pleading for yours. You are willfully ignorant of the real world and it's machinations and simply don't care. You don't care that you're in a minimum wage job, you don't care that you are a burden on society, and you don't care that you're stuck in a dead-end life. All that matters to you is who wins the game show, who wins the Nascar race, who'll be next to be voted off the island, and what the fancy people in Hollywood are wearing this season. Your brain is rotting inside your head, and you are producers of nothing. You simply consume, waste, and bury your head in the sand, only to pull it out in time to watch the next sparkly thing go by so you can ooo and ahh at it.

Check back into reality for a change. Put the controller down and do something with what little life you have left. Existing isn't life.

And if you choose to ignore my pleading and begging, God damn it, whatever else you do, don't breed.