Monday, July 24, 2006

Attack Of The 50 Foot Thoughts!

  • We say a lot of things that we pretend make sense. Take the high school and collegiate ranking system as an example. We have Freshmen, Sophomores, Juniors and Seniors, right? The word "Freshmen" I can understand. Ditto Senior, and even the term "Junior" has a kind of logic to it. But Sophomore? What the fuck is that? Who made this shit up? And what was he on?

  • And since we're on the subject, I find it curious that people with a college education still say things like "Incoming Freshmen" and "Graduating Seniors". You don't hear about any "Lingering Juniors" or "Semi-Sophomores" do you?

  • Why isn't long distance pissing an Olympic event?

  • It occurs to me that nobody gives two shits about any kind of technology until it can be utilized for entertainment.

  • I often wonder if anyone has ever concieved while jogging.

  • Once at a diner, I saw something on the menu called an "Open-Faced" sandwich. I don't really know how to tell them this, but sandwiches don't have faces. They're sandwiches. I couldn't eat something that was looking at me. Besides, if sandwiches did have faces, I bet they'd give you some really dirty looks as you were munching on them. Moreover, the concept of an open-face sounds like a pretty severe injury requiring medical intervention, not culinary arts. You wouldn't eat a "sucking chest wound" sandwich, would ya'?

  • I hate being nice.

  • You know who I'd like to meet? Two men named Junior Little Sr. and his son, Junior Little Jr.

  • Definitions!

    Lawsuit: (n) ·soot
    The clothing your attourney wears.

    Dismember: (v) dis·mem·bur
    a. To tear a person or thing limb from limb.
    b. To kick someone out of an organization.

    Remember: (n) re·mem·bur
    a. To put a person or thing back together which has been previously torn limb from limb.
    b. To renew one's membership in an organization.

    Ketchup: (n, v) kech·ep
    a. The greatest condiment known to man.
    b. A game one has to play when they've fallen behind.

    Catsup: (n) Kat·soop
    A liquid food prepared from feline and vegetable stock combined with various other ingredients and often containing solid pieces.

    Linux: (n) Lin·uks
    a. An open-source operating system that remains stable by not allowing any programs to run.
    b. Masturbatory material for geeks still living at home in their parent's basement.

  • Getting back to something I said earler, as far as I know, in no culture are animals butchered for the meat on their faces. Why is that? It seems like such a waste. We'll use skin, gonads, intestines, brains, muscles, bone, and bladders, but the face just doesn't get anywhere. The human face has something like 44 muscles in it, and taking comparative vertibrate anatomy into account, our slaughter animals should have a similar number. If you think of all the animals that are slaughtered every year, and then take an average of the surface area of their faces, that's literally square miles of potential food that we're just tossing aside. I'm sure you could get at least a sandwich out of it. If ya' cared enough. I tell you, this is the reason we can't compete in a global market anymore. Slipshod values. Remember, happiness is only grin deep.

  • Would you believe that cola doesn't even have any coal in it?

  • Have you ever been so mad at someone you wanted to see them run over, shot, stabbed, flayed, poisoned, drawn, quartered, beheaded, burned at the stake, pissed on, chopped into little bitty pieces, and then have the pieces arrested for indecent exposure? Yeah, me too.

  • I wonder how snails fuck?

  • Does pasteurized milk come from plain cows that have been given champain and allowed to have a field day?

  • They say Dracula can be killed by a stake through his heart. I say my wife can kill you with one of her steaks in your stomach.

  • If you called a gay man a cocksucker, would he be offended?

  • I'd like to have just a compass, a poncho, and a small tactical warhead. Because, hey, you never know.

  • One man's trash is another man's refuse.

  • On the internet, people used to have web pages, but now they're calling them "Weblogs", or "Blogs" for short. Trendy bastards. People are forever asking me to check out their blog, and they're all the same; meaning that they suck. Just because you're trendy doesn't mean you're interesting. Quite the opposite in fact. And who thought of that particular name anyway? Blog! Is it just me, or does "Blog" sound like the noise you make when you blow chunks? I find it amazing that something could suck and blow at the same time. And by extention, a blogspot would be... Well, hey, I ain't cleaning it up.

  • The next time someone asks you to turn on the television, go over and start making out with it and see how they respond. Refer to their TV as a 'filthy whore' while giving it condescending looks from then on for added effect.

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