Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Demi, Semi, Quasi, Hemi

Hyphens are everywhere in modern society, and it seems that we use all of them to indicate various states of "not quite". I find this considerably amusing, especially when reflection yields whimsical results. For instance, when an ice cream parlor describes it's product as "semi-soft", do you ever wonder exactly what happened? Has the ice cream been ran over with a truck? That would be one way to semi-soften it. In fact I've seen numerous animals on the side of the road that've been semi-softened. It's just not very sanitary.

To tell the truth, I wasn't aware you could even have a condition like "semi-soft" in the first place. I grew up thinking that concepts such as hard and soft were absolutes. But since you can, apparently, have hyphenated states of matter, why is there no demi-soft ice cream? Or how about semi-hard candy? I ask you, would you feel comfortable knowing that a quasi-medic was taking care of you after an accident? And how many people would be brave enough to go skydiving with a demi-chute strapped to their backs?

In English punctuation, we have the colon and the semi-colon, but we don't have a demi-colon or a para-colon, although we do have a condition known as a paradox. But I ask you, why is there no demi-dox, or quasi-dox? Would they be worse? And wouldn't they make even better crappy science fiction movies?

Engineer: "Captain Spiff! Senosrs indicate fluctuations in our warp core refibulators have torn a hole in the space-time continuum! The engines are at maximum and we're being pulled in! Shields are offline!"

Captain Freen: "What does your alien, yet exceedingly powerful mind make of this, Mister Bertz?"

Science Officer Bertz: "The situation is most unfortunate, Captain. We could be thrown into multiple points in time simultaneously, thereby creating a quasi-dox."

Captain Freen: "Quasi-dox? Don't you mean Para-dox?"

Bertz: "No sir, this is a Quasi-dox. It's much, much worse. The IRS gets involved and hits you multiple times for back taxes."

Captain Freen: "I see. Ready Phasers!"

Personally I'd like to hear about a demi-normal investigator. And the remake of The Hunchback of Notre Dame with Demi-modo would be amusing. And Quasi Moore could co-star as Esemerelda. Electronics could be made with quasi-conductors, and audiences could attend a demi-nar to learn how to fuck better.

What if the semi-military forces around the world upgraded to para-automatic weapons? That'd be fun. Do you think we could talk Demis Hilton into wearing jewelry inlaid with para-precious stones? And I have to tell you that I'd be a lot more excited about sports if they had Quasi, Demi, Para, and Hemi-finals.

That reminds me, "Hemi" is another thing that needs to be looked at. We have a Northern Hemisphere, a Southern Hemisphere, and an Eastern and a Western Hemisphere, too. That's a lot, isn't it? So if "Hemi" means "half", that would mean we have two planets here on Earth, wouldn't it? (Four halves equaling two.) Now if that's true, where is this "third world" you keep hearing about? And where's the second one now that I think of it? They must be real hellholes because you never hear about them at all.

And say, I have a friend who has a Quasi truck for sale with a Semi engine in it.

All right, that's enough of that.

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Anonymous Jeremy said...

Man you didn't even touch on hemi-god or semi-god. I guess maybe that one wasn't that funny! :)

6:48 PM  

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