Sunday, July 02, 2006


I Am Man



I judge a fish by how well it tastes after being properly battered and deep fried, not on it's coloration. There are only nine colors: Red, Yellow, Blue, Green, Orange, Brown, Purple, Black. and White. Everything else is something only girls and sissies see. My logic is infallable.

My first instinct whenever there's trouble is to ask myself "What would the Hulk do?" My first instinct whenever there's a minor annoyance is to ask myself "What would the Hulk do?" None can control me.

I don't give a shit about animal rights. There are no such things when it comes to animals raised for slaughter. Their only right is to be well-fed that they might achieve a perfect marbling for that flavor I so love at suppertime. My physique is a marvel to behold.

My basic instincts are just that. Basic. I desire only food and rest. In fact, this is the only reason I permit women to have sex with me: when I'm finished, I'm hungry and tired. Shelter is overrated. I sleep on bare stone. None control me.

I don't have feelings. Girls have feelings. My only concern in life is to compete against other men that I might kill and win. I am man.

Don't bullshit me, for that is not wise. I know what I want. And when I want something, I want it now. I will tear through a school filled with retarded children for a well-cooked steak and a pitcher of beer, if such is the object of my desire at the time. I am Alpha.

How many of you can say that you've killed a grizzly bear with your bare hands? I have, and I do so regularly. They taste good, and it's a great exercise in the morning. I have no need to shower, for I do not sweat. I naturally smell of English Leather, and my farts can deafen entire stadiums full of people at once. My farts smell of English Leather, too. Monuments are often erected in my honor

I love to swim, and I do so very well. Sometimes, in rare moments of kindness, I take people waterskiing, but we don't use a boat; they are for the weak. I hold the rope in my awesomely powerful jaws and churn the water into a white froth in my wake. The weak and stupid have no place around me.

I chop down trees with only my fists when I require firewood, and I crush boulders to gravel for amusement. I once deflected a bullet aimed for the President with my nuts. I was, of course, uninjured. I am the only six-time Congressional Medal of Honor recipient.

I joined the Marine Corps and wore my numerous medals on my bare chest without a shirt. For amusement. I stomp on kittens, trip the elderly and punch retards in the face. For amusement. World leaders come to me for advice.

I shave by beating the hairs in with a ball-pien hammer and biting them off from the inside. I have muscles on my eyelids. I can bite through three inches of solid steel, I shit rusty nails and broken glass, and it feels good.

I am immortal. None can kill me. None can touch me, lest I will it. I am a grandmaster of all martial arts and forms of combat. I once slew a charging rhino with just a dirty look. The heavens fear my wrath.

Everyone hates me, yet everyone wishes they could be me. Women want me, men fear me, and animals cower before my might wondering how much longer it will be until they become my dinner. My power is absolute.

I am man. Send money.


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1 Comments:

Anonymous Troy from TODC said...

Alan,

You lost me when you said (My first instinct whenever there's trouble is to ask myself "What would the Hulk do?")

Dude, which Hulk are you talking about? The blonde babe who tore all his shirts and beat the tar out of "macho man" "Ric Flair and many many more or are you talking about the green over grown ugly ape?

Anyways.... this post was weird... Are you feeling ok? I know I am lost now... please bring me back something good to eat (read).

1:56 PM  

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