Water You Kidding Me?


Do you know what I could do without? Bottled water. Really. It's a bunch of pretentious bullshit that has simply got to go. The Earth's surface is 70% covered by water, and the trendy, special-needs health nuts are too god damned good to drink the off-brand stuff.

Besides, you want to know something? Bottled water is harvested from the municipal supply at a factory and then ran through a water softening filter. For those of you who think that sounds high-tech, it's a fucking bucket of salt tablets. Then it hits an industrial sized HEPA filter just like the ones you can buy at Wal-Mart before being poured into plastic bottles and labeled as coming from some mountain spring in the Andes. And do you want to know who produces this wonderfully pure water? The Coca-Cola and Pepsi companies. Don't believe me? Take a good look at that Dasani bottle. In the fine print, assuming you both own a magnifying glass and can read, it says "Bottled by the Coca-Cola Company". Aquafina? A wholly owned brand and registered trademark of the Pepsi Corporation, that. And what's more, neither of these products are pure water. They've got weird additives in them and they leave an even weirder, plastic aftertaste in your mouth. Yeah. And just to give me an aneurism, there's even a group of shameless bastards selling "Fitness Water". As opposed to WHAT?! (Thou Shalt Not Kill... Thou Shalt Not Kill....)

So why, oh why do people buy this stuff? Is it so they can have a nice clean drink without any aftertaste? I've already told you how well that works. Don't look for purity here when sugar-barons Coke, Pepsi and Nestle are in the business. Maybe they buy it so they can cut calories? That sounds good too, until you realize that a person can get the same thing that's in these bottles, and less, for just a few cents per gallon at home, provided they are willing to humble themselves and stoop low enough to put an empty cup or bottle under the faucet in the kitchen.

But taste's not the reason. You know good and damned well taste's not the reason. They buy this crap for the same reason Starbucks still sells overpriced swill; because it's trendy. They want to look good in front of their friends and impress people. That's why they put the rediculous shit they do on the bottles.

"From The Crystalline Rock Aquifer"

Here's a news flash for the new age, crystal-gripping, hippie crowd: All rocks are "Crystalline". They're rocks. That's the manner in which rocks form; a crystal matrix. It's redundant, but it sure sounds clean and flashy, eh? However, if it's crystals that you think are great, might I suggest filtering some water through a bit of good old strychnine? It's colorless, odorless, and absolutely clear. It's got to be good for you, because it's pretty. And it's a crystal!

Of course when confronted with this, these empty-headed hydrophiliacs claim that they just don't like the flavor of the water at their house. "It tastes nasty", they say.

Flavor! In water! Have you ever tried drinking it cold? Or would you prefer the plastic taste of the shit from Wal-Mart? By the way, water with flavor in it is called Kool Aid.

Besides, this is the fucking municipal water supply we're talking about here! This is what you pay for every month when the bill comes in, and it's inspected to make damned good and sure that it's safe. ...at least I'm pretty sure it is... but anyway, you people are wasting money on image that's not doing a god damned thing for you but making you broke. And all over water. Burned Hydrogen. Do you know what the most abundant element in the Universe is? Hydrogen. Know what you get when you set it on fire?

... dum de dum de dum.

...

(Go ahead, do a Google search.)

(Okay, lessee... "Dihydrogen monoxide, sometimes called hydric acid." Hmm. So "Di" means two... and hydrogen... That's H. So there's two Hydrogen atoms. H2. Right. Then we'd be burning it, and mono is, like, one, isn't it? I think it's one. And oxide, uh, means bonded with oxygen, yeah? Because I think I remember that from the chemistry class I slept through in High School. Oxygen is O. Okay, getting close now. Then that'd be, uh, H2... and O. Which would give us... Hey, that's... thats water! H2 motherfucking O!)

My you're quick. Can you guess your hair color, too?

You've seen that commercial that says, "Image is nothing. Thirst is everything. Obey your thirst."? well I say fuck all that. Image is vanity. Thirst is basic. Drink fucking water and look at yourself in the mirror if you want, (especially if you're still stuck on that "hair" question), but quit with this trendy bullshit. Drinking water from plastic soda bottles doesn't make you cultured.

And besides, there's a reason Evian is Naive spelled backwards: They've been laughing at you for years.