Sunday, August 20, 2006

Computerz R 4 Samrt Ppl!!!!1

Let's talk about PC's. Personal computers. IBM compatible crap.

I think we ought to have a mandatory I.Q. test before you're allowed to own a computer. You should also have to demonstrate a basic, working knowledge of English grammar, punctuation, and spelling before you're allowed to purchase one. If you are caught picking your nose and eating it, drooling, or shitting your pants while taking the test, you fail. Also, trying to copy the answer for your name from a neighbor automatically kicks you out of the running. Let's face facts; not everyone is bright enough to have a PC.

I know this because every single day, and I mean EVERY single day, I have some well-meaning, yet hopelessly deficient schmuck ask me something so basic, so intrinsic to the minimal functionality of a PC that I have to wonder if there's something in the water. Now when I say these questions are basic, I don't mean some longheaded bullshit about the best way to set up a ten disk SATA RAID system capable of multibooting four seperate operating systems. Nor am I talking about flashing your BIOS to the most recent optimized settings from your motherboard manufacturer, oh no. I'm not even talking about setting up a tri-monitor display, a liquid cooling apparatus, or a Beowulf Cluster.

I mean I have to deal with people who have difficulty with concepts such as "left click", "right click", and "double-click". I have to deal with people who tell me that they only allow 20 GB of a 60 GB hard drive to be used because they want to be "safe". And I've fielded questions, so help me God, regarding why a CD ROM drive wouldn't burn CD's.

The following are a few examples of the fun and adventure I've had when trying to help people. I don't get paid for this, and if I did, it wouldn't be enough. It's a wonder I've not committed manslaughter.

The Atrocities

"I downloaded some stuff offline".

Oh really? Holy shit! You mean you downloaded something while not being connected to any other computers? Wow. Kill yourself, would you?

"This computer doesn't have enough gigabytes. It needs more gigabytes."

Did your parents have any children that weren't stillborn? You almost could've kept yourself from sounding like a proffessional wrestling fan by adding the words "Of RAM" to the ends of both those sentences. As it stands, that is the most stupid thing I've ever heard, and I've had to watch the Teletubbies because it was the only thing that would keep my friend's kids quiet. Either that or beating them until they lapsed into a coma.

"It says 'Press Any Key', but I can't find it."

Oh dear God.... Don't breed. Just don't.

"Do you think I should buy a couple of more sticks of ROM?"

Rom. Doesn't. Come. In. Sticks. You want RAM, but you don't deserve it. You might try to put it in your CD RAM drive. Fucktard.

"I think I need to get me some more of them computer deals to put in."

Memorize this sentance, "Would you like fries with that?"

"I got to lookin' on my computer and I found a bunch of funny files that I didn't think should be there, so I deleted them. Now my computer won't work."

A wise decision, sir. They were probably .dll files in your Windows directory. Viruses, they. Thanks for saving me all that time and trouble. Have a nice day.

"I need to buy me a new computer. This one's getting slow."

No, it's just as fast as it ever was. Because you have a habit of installing shit from everywhere on the net from places that you shouldn't trust, and because you have an even worse habit of not reading anything before you install a program, your computer has become choked down with redundant, buggy, and totally useless bullshit. For $50 and twenty minutes of my time, I can have you back up and running like new once more. See you again in six months when you've got it refilled with digital trash.

"How come you never did teach me how to hack?"

Because I don't know how and neither do you. You're annoying, you're full of shit, and you're a complete and total fake. Hacking requires modifying machine code, fucking around with stack dumps, and breaking several laws. You're not a hacker, you're a pathetic dipshit with delusions of adequacy. Burn your computer and do the world a favor.

Who the fuck in the year 2006 doesn't know how to operate a computer? Holy jumping Jesus Christ on a pogo stick! We let these people drive cars!

I'm going to go eat an entire bottle of Excedrin Migraine and lie down for a while. You people are killing me.

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