Monday, August 28, 2006

The Incredible Shrinking Thoughts!

  • It strikes me that people tend to get bad advice from role models who should know better.

  • What the fuck is an herbal 'essence'? Absolutely nothing. It's bullshit.

  • We have a 'Natural' psychosis in this country. Everybody is all uppity about natural medicines, natural fibers, and natural remedies for diseases. We have natural disasters, natural history, natural resources, and natural selection. And then there's the study of natural sciences, which is all the rage at hippie schools across the country. But let me tell you something. Just because something is from nature doesn't mean it's good for you. Arsenic, strychnine, lead and mercury are good examples of this.


  • I saw a headline that said violence in the middle east was escalating. Oh really? They're already bombing each other and conducting missile strikes on civilian targets. How do you escalate that?

  • What manner of creature is a Sham? And why do we put it's poo in our hair?

  • Definitions

    Ball joint: (n) bawl·joint
    a. Testicular connective tissue.
    b. A marijuana cigarette smoked exclusively at parties thrown by members of high society.

    Salad: (n) sa·led
    The stuff that food eats

    Marriage: (n) ma·rij
    a. A pre-mortem funeral service
    b. A ceremony celebrating the end of a couple's sexual activity.

    Old Spice: (n) ohld·spIs
    The elderly lady from the now defunct British pop group that nobody talks about.

  • Am I the only one who thinks it's odd that the telephone company charges you extra money not to publish your name and telephone number? It seems to me that it should be the other way around. I figure that they ought to charge you a fee to publish your telephone number. But if that was the case, I bet they'd print a mighty damned thin phone book.

  • If you find yourself having a really bad day, this will help you laugh. All you have to do is realize that right now, even as we speak, in this country, somebody, somewhere is getting fucked up the ass.

  • And now you're picturing it and trying really hard not to.

  • I heard an old guy mention that he used to sew his wild oats, and I thought, "That's impossible. You sew cloth and leather. Oats are a grain. What the hell would you sew them to anyway? And how? More importantly, why?" I think he was senile. Then somebody explained it to me and it made a little more sense. But even still, I don't understand why people can't call dating what it really is; fucking every slut you can throw your dick at. Old people sure are stupid.

  • I read that the State Employment Security Division was laying off a bunch of people.

  • It's been my experience that the simple things in life usually aren't.

  • The news story said the coroner performed a post-mortem autopsy. God damn I sure hope so. Otherwise I'll bet the noise would've been really distracting.

  • Why are blackboards green?

  • How come they don't have a button on your keyboard that you can press whenever you get spam e-mail to make the sender's PC explode into a conflagration of fire and brimstone and ash with a mushroom cloud that can be seen for twenty miles and makes the sender sterile by irradiating his crotch with high-energy gamma particles that cause six different kinds of cancer and gives him constipation while turning his skin irreversibly blue? I'd sure like to have a button like that.

  • The other day I saw a carton that read: Made with at least 100% recycled materials". I started laughing and couldn't stop.

  • I don't want to work anywhere that a smile is considered to be part of my uniform. In fact, I'm not so hot on the idea of working in a place that requires a uniform in the first place. Now that I think about it, I guess I really don't want to work anywhere at all. I love getting paychecks though. I need a job like that.

  • I keep hearing about all kinds of things "coming out of the woodwork". They're usually bad things, too. You know what I think? I think we should burn the fucking woodwork.

Back to Home Page


Post a Comment