Monday, August 14, 2006

Our Scams Have Detected SPYWARE On YOUR COMPUTER!

Well no fucking shit! Of course you "detected" spyware on my computer. You're the sorry sons-of-bitches that put it on my hard drive in the first place. Your ass-wholesomeness truly knows no bounds, because now you want me to pay you money so you can sell me a product to take it off when it shouldn't have been there to begin with? Why on God's Earth would I be so stupid as to trust you people to keep my computer safe when you're the ones who hijacked my browser and installed three trojan downloaders when I clicked a random link? This is beyond having balls.

I know that there's some asshole out there with a room-temperature I.Q. that's going to suggest changing your browser to Opera or buying a Mac and running Safari because it's more "secure". Now before that happens, I think you special people should know that folks shouldn't have to fuck around with weird browsers or buy computers that are practically unsupported by third party developers. Further, this isn't incentive to move to new software, it's incentive to shore up what you already have because you're familiar with it already. If it wasn't for asshats like you who live for coding abusive and intrusive software, these 'security holes' you claim to be pointing out wouldn't matter, would they?

And here's another thing... there's no such thing as an incorruptible machine. If it crunches numbers and surfs the Internet, it's prone to virii and spyware. Period. End of Line. Fuck you.

Fucked up your pimple-faced plan again, didn't I?

So here's what to do if, and preferably before, you ever get digitally molested while minding your own fucking business online:

1) Get AdAware from Lavasoft. This wonderful piece of software has kept my computer safe from almost all annoyance for a long, long time. It's free to download and the updates don't cost anything either. It'll find what's giving your PC hell and automatically remove it. I promise there's some spyware on there. These guys kick ass.

2) Then download Spybot - Search & Destroy. This is another free program with free updates. Run it after you run an AdAware scan. This is a good complimentary program to AdAware. Sometimes it finds what AdAware doesn't. Neither program is shitty, it's just that two different teams work on this kind of thing, and often one will have a definition that the other doesn't.

3) Next, download and install Spyware Blaster from the good guys over at Javacool Software. This program rocks cocks, as it keeps known spyware from being installed on your PC in the first place, as well as giving you a whole shitpot full of ActiveX controls to play with, should you care.

4) And another thing, quit paying Norton and McAfee a dump truck full of money. It's completely unnecessary. If you want virus protection, download AVG Antivirus from Grisoft. It does the same job for free, and there's no subscription to run out on you and leave you completely fucked when the next supervirus comes along and turns your hard drive into digital shit.

5) Finally, quit with these god damned "browser helpers" and "pop-up blockers" that bog down your PC already. You don't need them, or the "help" they offer. Trust me. They're almost all defined as spyware, and the above programs will detect and treat, (read: delete), them. Try updating your HOSTS file instead. After you download this, install it according to the following directions.

Win 98/ME = C:\WINDOWS

Find your installation above, navigate to the location specified, and drop the new HOSTS file in the folder. (For example, Windows 98/ME users will install to C:\WINDOWS)

Remember, the HOSTS file has no extension, (.exe .txt .dll, etc...), so don't go adding one and then e-mail me bitching that it's not working for you. My Delete key doesn't need a workout.

Drop the new HOSTS file in with the old one. You will be asked to overwrite your old HOSTS file, which should be 1K in size. Do so. No more pop-ups or banner ads. They simply won't work, and you simply won't see them.

Before I leave you this week, I'd just like to leave you with some words of wisdom straight from the bottom of my heart:

"If you can't figure all this out, you're too stupid to operate a computer."

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Anonymous Jeremy said...

ha ha. Number one and number two work great. Good recommendations. I didn't know about number three or four. Thanks for the heads up.

6:50 PM  
Blogger Alan said...

I'm only too glad to help. This is the kind of thuggery that would land a perpitrator in the Intensive Care Unit of the local hospital were they to pull it on me somewhere outside of the internet. That way I could give them a reason to think it over, see? I understand being in traction with a broken back and a fair number of ruptured organs gives one time to reflect.

Scumfucks! Every last one of 'em!

7:26 PM  
Anonymous Jeremy said...

That is a good point. These people can damage your property and there is no recourse. Or maybe there is I don't know. I've never heard of one of these spammers being thrown in prision.

12:05 PM  

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