All I Ever Needed To Know I Learned In College


As some of you may know, I've finally gotten off my dead ass and went back to school. And already, I've found people who need to be slapped through a few walls. You know the kind. The type of person that makes you sad that the Ebola virus is under control. The kind of human being that allows you to understand the value of Eugenics. The sort of mouth-breathing 98.6° space heater that doesn't have anything better to do that metabolize your oxygen supply. The type of asshole that makes you long for the good old days when the UNAbomber might come along and save the day.

So without further ado, here's a short list of people that just need to be killed.


The Hot Shit One Trick Pony

A brace-faced schmuck with just the tips of his brown hair bleached blonde who think's he's in grade 13, this guy was a whiz in High School chemistry, so now he thinks he's ready for the big time. He spends all his parent's money and creative energies openly mocking the professor's mannerisms and getting girls to laugh at his stupidity under the mistaken premise that they actually like him. Unfortunately, the HSOTP doesn't quite understand that this isn't High School, and there are no laws that protect his GPA. Nor does he grasp the fact that his grade has little to do with his skill in the subject matter of the course, and everything to do with the whim of the PhD teaching it. The HSOTP usually winds up getting a D in the class purely because he's a dick, and loses his scholarship before dropping out.


The Highly Fuckable Airhead

Usually a redhead who likes to hit on the professor, wear clothing designed to make her tits pop out into the sunshine for everyone to admire, and doesn't understand that the whole 'valley girl' thing has been over for more than a decade, this girl is related to the HSOTP above. She's not quite sure how she got into college, but now that she's there, well gee... there sure are a lot of boys around. With $10,000 worth of orthadontia in her head, and almost as much in her fake boobs, the HFA loans out her cunt to almost anyone with a cock and notes she can copy. Typically plans to finish a 4 year degree in 6 years, but then gets pregnant before transferring to a Junior College and dropping out.


Mister Four Eyed Pimple Blimp

The morbidly obese bastard in High School that was friends with all the girls, but never got laid because his crotch-fat absorbed his penis and now he pisses out of a vagina-like hole. Usually a math major, MFEPB makes jokes that only he can understand about Calculus, Wave Functions, and Statistics. Even the HFA can't bring herself to have sex with this guy.


Frat Van Winkle

This specimen subsists on a diet of Pabst Blue Ribbon, Pepperoni Pizza and Ramen Noodles, and tends to stay up late trying to get into the pants of the HFA. However, FVW spends so much time trying to get laid that most of his class time is utilized catching up on sleep, and misses the vast majority of the lecture. Thus, FVW's notes are sketchy at best, and the slam-dunk HFA remains forever out of his reach. Goes into Academic Probation in his second semester and takes a job as a stockboy at Wal-Mart before dropping out.


The Overly Enthusiastic Professor

Occasionally the HFA undergoes a metamorphosis to become the Overly Enthusiastic Professor. Full of energy, never at rest, the Overly Enthusiastic Professor was a cheerleader in High School and never learned to accept that there are things that nobody but her cares about. TOEP will lecture, bouncing off the walls, for hours on end about mathematics. Has an unhealthy interest in Football and Mister Four Eyed Pimple Blimp, who is her favorite student. ...other than the three Muscle Jocks in her class that she's fucking.


Zombie Grad Student

Rarely seen in the working world due to a lack of ability to compete, the Zombie Grad Student was actually smarter before he started college than he is now. Capable of explaining Tensor Calculus and Continuum Mechanics to people who already know it, the ZGS can't remember how to divide. Specimens of ZGS can often be found teaching intro-level courses at the college they attend for the same reason that American farmers hire Mexicans to pick their fruit: Cheap Labor.


Muscle Jock

With an artificially inflated GPA, and Anabolic Steroid inflated muscles, the Muscle Jock is in college for one reason: To play "Fooball". With no career options and no chance of staying off Academic Probation on his own, the Muscle Jock's coach pulls strings with various professors to keep him on the team. Winds up graduating with a BS in fitness that nobody cares about and bagging groceries before going on to teach P.E., Social Studies and Pre-Algebraic Math at a local High School.


The Test Stresser

The only member of the animal kingdom who both sweats audibly and is completely lacking in a spine, the Test Stresser is forever in a state of high tension. With blood pressure perpetually at stroke levels, the Test Stresser is most often a Biology Major who panics about the test they just took, the notes that they are taking, the test that they'll take nextweek, and the state of their current health. Typically dies of a stroke by the age of 35.


The Technobrat

This creature is common on most college campuses, and can easily be identified by it's designer label plumage. Wired for sound, the Technobrat is incapable of being alone with his own thoughts for more than ten seconds, and instantly connects to the Technobrat Collective via his cell phone or MySpace page when feeling lost and insecure, (i.e. the second class is over).