Sunday, December 31, 2006

Night Of The Living Thoughts!

  • I've noticed that most minorities are vocal. Why is that? Can't we have a vocal majority in this sick fucking country for once?

  • Sometimes you look around at the world and realize that you've just gotta beat up a total stranger with an axe, don't you?

  • I often find that swearing at things makes them work better. This is especially true of my employees.

  • During World War II, ficticious cultural icons such as Rosie the Riviter and Uncle Sam entered the public consciousness, and these epic figures still remain in our collective social memory to this day. However what is not so widely known is that there were other icons which were swept under the rug such as Harold the 4F Wife Fucker, and Trixie the VD Free Prostitute.

  • If you want to stay home from work, but you've used up all of your sick days, try calling in dead. It may not get you the day off, but hey, I bet it'll sure fuck with your boss.

  • Religion is the belief in holy shit!

  • We have three different octane grades of gasoline in this country and just one unlabeled grade of diesel fuel. Does anyone else think that's odd?

  • Know what'd be fun? Forming a U.S. Olympic Hide-And-Go-Seek team.

  • The RIAA is in a pissy fit over the downloading of music and burning of CD's. I can see the illegal downloading part, but the burning? That just doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. If I'm burning the CD, why would the RIAA care? I should think they'd mind me burning CD's before I bought them, but afterward? Hey, it's my property and I'll do with it what I choose. I can see them getting concerned about someone setting fire to the whole music store, but a CD you've already paid for? That's crazy. ...Unless burning CD's release evil greenhouse gasses and they don't want anyone to know. I knew this had something to do with global warming.

  • Any time science makes a bold stride forward, you can count on organized religion being there to try and knock it back two.

  • He who laughs last draws odd looks from everyone else who already got it.

  • Let's legalize the Constitution! Who knows? It might just work. It certainly hasn't been tried yet.

  • If there really is an afterlife, why do the majority of the world's religions condemn murder? Are they just not sure of themselves?

  • Can't we think of something evil to do to those special people who stuff your inbox with chain letters? Happy Bear! A Smile For You! The Littlest Angel! (Aww!!)

    Jesus fucking Christ go drink some chemicals already and stay the hell out of my inbox.

  • Remember: When you tie up someone with Duct Tape and throw them off a bridge into a lake or river, always leave a hole for their nose and mouth so they can breathe. Safety first.

  • And by the way, it's breathe with an "e". Not "Breath". A runner may find himself out of breath after a long cross-country session, but not because he forgot to breathe while he was running. If this is too complicated for you, go shove a pogo stick up your ass and practice bouncing down the stairs for a few hours. Or just quit talking to people. That works too.

  • Definitions

    Catholic Mass: (n) Kath·uh·lik Mas
    A measure of fat in a parish.

    Grilled Chicken: (n) Grild chik·in
    a An automotive accident involving poultry. Common in rural areas.
    bThe interrogation of a frightened individual.

    Mass Suicide: (n) Mas Su·uh·sId
    A religious tragedy involving Kool Aid. See also: Jones, Jim.

    Mass Orgy: (n) Mas Or·gee
    A Catholic Priest's wet dream.

  • A book never written: "Overpopulation in China by Wee Fukum Yung"

  • Suicide is interesting. It's the only act that I can think of which is a crime to attempt, yet not illegal to perform. Sort of like jaywalking, only not at all.

  • Fun in Court!

    Just imaging going in front of the judge for bashing some asshole's teeth out with a pipe wrench for twenty minutes, and when he asks you why you did it...

    "Why'd I do it? 'Cause fuck him. That's why, yer honor."

    And make sure when you're asked how you plead to the charges to respond, "Not Interested". They'll actually have to break out the lawbooks to figure out what to do with you.

  • I'm wishing some day a team will change it's name to the Nads. That way all the fans on both sides will cheer for 'em. Think of it... tens of thousands of drunk, rabid fans chanting "Go Nads! Go Nads! Go Nads!"

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Any time a righteous person try to have faith in something, you can always count on a scientist to create a mathematical model to disprove it.

1:48 PM  
Blogger Alan said...

If your faith is shaken by a mathematical expression, maybe you should try having faith in mathematics. Just a thought.

1:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And another don't "beat" a stranger with an axe, unless you flip the axe around. You hack a stranger with an axe. I think the difference is of most importance to the stranger.

1:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I never said that my faith was shaken. I just think that it is interesting how quickly scientists have the need to refute.

2:00 PM  
Blogger Alan said...

Scientists do tend to refute things pretty quickly. Especially when they hear something stupid like how the Sun orbits the Earth, which is in turn the center of the Universe.

10:48 PM  
Anonymous Rev.Cliff said...

You can beat someone with an axe without flipping it over you just turn it to the side and give them the flat it works real good against undead and trolls. Just putting in my two coppers
OH! By the way I am the center of the Universe well my universe anyway.

12:52 AM  

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