The Asshole Of The World


You know something? Nothing of interest seems to be going on anymore. Not really, I mean. Wars in foreign lands where people are already killing each other anyway is about it, and I'm plain old fucking sick of it being on my T.V. Perhaps the media has left me jaded. Or perhaps the media is composed of a bunch of Politically Correct, shit-smearing fuckwads that can't think of anything else to sensationalize. I'm pulling for #2. Take that however you want to.

Just think about it. All you hear about in the media is Iraq and the crump of car-bombs in the sandy places where people should have good sense enough to move from. And if the truth be told, we shouldn't even be there reporting on it. Everyone in the Middle East can all go fuck a camel and blow themselves to holy hell for all I care. And if they do, I hope to God that nobody covers it.

You know what I think we should do? I think we should piss of the entire world and bring our troops home so they don't get shot at anymore. Right now. Totally unannounced. They don't need us there. They don't want us there because assistance from infidels is an affront to Islam. So I say let these Israeli motherfuckers, the Shiite motherfuckers, the Sunni motherfuckers and all the other motherfuckers as yet unnamed just murder each other in the name of God.

With nukes. I understand that he likes that kind of stuff. Hellfire and brimstone and all that, you know?

And concerning Iran, I have another great idea. Everybody's worried about the Middle East becoming volatile, (Becoming? What the fuck do they mean becoming?), and nuclear proliferation, but this is really a self-correcting problem. Let's leave Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and his bomb factory alone so they can make all the enriched uranium that they want and let's leave it completely unchecked. For fun. With any luck, the first place he'll wipe off the map will be Israel. Won't that be fun? Mass murder in the "Holy Land"!

Oh wait. I say that like it's a new thing.

Why am I so callous, even hostile, concerning Israel? Do I believe that they don't have a right to exist? Am I a Palestinian booster or something?

No. Nuke the god damned Palestinians too so we'll be sure we've got everybody that needs getting. I believe Israel had a right to exist, right up until they made a particular comment about the atrocities occuring in the former balkan nation of Czeckoslovakia:

"Sometimes ethnic cleansing is necessary."

Yep, there went your card assholes.

And let's get out of the UN too while we're at it. All they're good for is getting our soldiers killed for things we don't have any interest in. The United States is not the world's police force. Stop fucking up your country and then screaming for us to come bail you out so you can hate us for it later.

Oh! Oh! I know! I KNOW! Let's blow up the god damned moon too! I'm sick of the moon. All it does is make the werewolves antzy and fuck with tides. I spoke with a werewolf friend of mine just the other day and he told me that his clothing expenses were really busting his balls. And that's to say nothing of the whole "Wake up naked the next morning and not have any idea where you are" thing. Can you imagine just how embarrassing that is? You were out on a date, and the moon comes along and makes you wolf-out. Then you black out as you shred your best Aeropostale sweater and destroyed jeans, and kill your girlfriend in a fit of evil, lupine rage just as you were starting to make out with her. Then you tear across the countryside committing wanton acts of violence and mayhem: maiming some, killing others, and generally having a pleasant evening. But the next thing you know, you're waking up facedown in the middle of a public park in your birthday suit with squirrels flitting hither and yon while occasionally sniffing your privates and some hobo attempting to invade your middle east and teabag you.

In short, you have a great time, but you can't remember it in the morning. And you need a new girlfriend.

I like porkchops.