An Interview With Paris Hilton



In an effort to keep the material here on Plainly Ranting fresh and up to date with current events, I have managed to land an interview with America's favorite hotel heiress herself: Paris Hilton.

Alan Wortman: Good afternoon. I'm glad you could find the time to give this interview.

Paris Hilton: Yeah. My agent said this would be, like, good for publicity and stuff. I don't think I've ever given a website interview before, you know? If you're, like, nervous about being around me and stuff, I understand. It's normal, yo. I'm just so rich and hot . . .

Alan: Right.

Paris: . . . and sexy and better than you and . . .

Alan: Uh-huh . . .

Paris: . . . heir to multiple bajillions of dollars and powerful and . . .

Alan: Hey, here's an idea. Sit down and shut up. I don't have all day and you're pissing me off already.

Paris: . . .

Alan: All right. So you're ten minutes late, and I'm on a timetable. Let's get started.

Paris: That mean man in the black dress said the same thing.

Alan: Black dress? You mean Judge Sauer? The one who recently passed sentence on you?

Paris: Like, yeah! I honestly don't see what the problem is. I was like, what-EVER! Like, he couldn't even wait ten minutes and stuff! Unsophisticated clods just don't understand that being late is, like, fashionable, yo!

Alan: Wait a minute. You showed up ten minutes late for court and you expected the Judge to just be okay with this?

Paris: Well duh! I guess you didn't know that, like, the world revolves around me, or whatever. Like, we rich people are supposed to, like, have special rights and priviledges, yo.

Alan: *blink blink* . . . right. So, uh, okay, let's start this interview. What's it like knowing that the entire Western world hates your guts for being such a bitch?

Paris: It's not so bad. Little people just, like, confuse bitchiness for knowing that you're, like, ten times better than anyone you've ever met, you know?

Alan: Some people would say that's the definition of being a bitch.

Paris: Some people aren't as, like, rich and sophisticated as I am, yo.

Alan: Did I mention I really hate you?

Paris: (laughs) You're, like, really funny!

Alan: I'm serious. I hate you.

Paris: Oh.

Alan: I understand that you'll be going to jail for a while. Is that true?

Paris: I don't like to, like, you know, talk about it and stuff.

Alan: Has anyone ever told you that the word "like" isn't an adjective?

Paris: So, like, what's that supposed to mean?

Alan: That was my point in its entirety, actually.

Paris: I don't get it. You're, like, SO not funny.

Alan: There are people who would disagree with you on that one.

Paris: Like who?

Alan: Oh, everybody. But we're not talking about me, we're talking about why you're such a self-important fuck-up. You're going to be put away for 45 days, eh?

Paris: It's not fair! All I did was have, like, a DUI, a reckless driving charge, and uh . . . drove on a suspended license, and, like, didn't go to a driving workshop like the last judge dude ordered me to!

Alan: You're aware that anyone else would be sent up for at least three months for those charges, right?

Paris: You don't understand. I'm Paris Hilton! They can't treat me this way! My daddy owns, like, a big hotel chain!

Alan: Oh yes, they can. And they will. I suggest showing up on time for your jail sentence at the new greybar hotel. I hear it's really posh . . . you uppity cunt.