Monday, May 21, 2007

An Interview With Paris Hilton

In an effort to keep the material here on Plainly Ranting fresh and up to date with current events, I have managed to land an interview with America's favorite hotel heiress herself: Paris Hilton.

Alan Wortman: Good afternoon. I'm glad you could find the time to give this interview.

Paris Hilton: Yeah. My agent said this would be, like, good for publicity and stuff. I don't think I've ever given a website interview before, you know? If you're, like, nervous about being around me and stuff, I understand. It's normal, yo. I'm just so rich and hot . . .

Alan: Right.

Paris: . . . and sexy and better than you and . . .

Alan: Uh-huh . . .

Paris: . . . heir to multiple bajillions of dollars and powerful and . . .

Alan: Hey, here's an idea. Sit down and shut up. I don't have all day and you're pissing me off already.

Paris: . . .

Alan: All right. So you're ten minutes late, and I'm on a timetable. Let's get started.

Paris: That mean man in the black dress said the same thing.

Alan: Black dress? You mean Judge Sauer? The one who recently passed sentence on you?

Paris: Like, yeah! I honestly don't see what the problem is. I was like, what-EVER! Like, he couldn't even wait ten minutes and stuff! Unsophisticated clods just don't understand that being late is, like, fashionable, yo!

Alan: Wait a minute. You showed up ten minutes late for court and you expected the Judge to just be okay with this?

Paris: Well duh! I guess you didn't know that, like, the world revolves around me, or whatever. Like, we rich people are supposed to, like, have special rights and priviledges, yo.

Alan: *blink blink* . . . right. So, uh, okay, let's start this interview. What's it like knowing that the entire Western world hates your guts for being such a bitch?

Paris: It's not so bad. Little people just, like, confuse bitchiness for knowing that you're, like, ten times better than anyone you've ever met, you know?

Alan: Some people would say that's the definition of being a bitch.

Paris: Some people aren't as, like, rich and sophisticated as I am, yo.

Alan: Did I mention I really hate you?

Paris: (laughs) You're, like, really funny!

Alan: I'm serious. I hate you.

Paris: Oh.

Alan: I understand that you'll be going to jail for a while. Is that true?

Paris: I don't like to, like, you know, talk about it and stuff.

Alan: Has anyone ever told you that the word "like" isn't an adjective?

Paris: So, like, what's that supposed to mean?

Alan: That was my point in its entirety, actually.

Paris: I don't get it. You're, like, SO not funny.

Alan: There are people who would disagree with you on that one.

Paris: Like who?

Alan: Oh, everybody. But we're not talking about me, we're talking about why you're such a self-important fuck-up. You're going to be put away for 45 days, eh?

Paris: It's not fair! All I did was have, like, a DUI, a reckless driving charge, and uh . . . drove on a suspended license, and, like, didn't go to a driving workshop like the last judge dude ordered me to!

Alan: You're aware that anyone else would be sent up for at least three months for those charges, right?

Paris: You don't understand. I'm Paris Hilton! They can't treat me this way! My daddy owns, like, a big hotel chain!

Alan: Oh yes, they can. And they will. I suggest showing up on time for your jail sentence at the new greybar hotel. I hear it's really posh . . . you uppity cunt.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know I am iincredibly late on leaving a comment, but damn that bitch is dumb. You are my hero!

11:24 AM  
Blogger Alan said...

Thanks for stopping by, and thanks for the kind words. Stay tuned for more wacky stuff, just as soon as this semester stops kicking my ass.

6:52 PM  
Blogger SafeTinspector said...

like, you're being so unfair-like! She's like this beautiful like fair maiden or something?
Like, once I was watching her like on TV or something and saw her there and she like had some stuff with her and a like lady who told her she was SO pretty or something and then together they made these like cookies or something.
What I'm trying to say is that like it should probably count as community service or some junk.

5:36 AM  

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