Thursday, July 27, 2006

A shallow, mindless schmuck who sits at a computer all day instead of going out and having real social interaction, the Dumbass needs the disinterested, artificially bubbly, completely unprofessional opinions of a third-grade dropout to get through their day. The Dumbass thrives upon the feeling of inferiority that arises from admitting their personality is so non-existant as to be pinned down completely with just ten multiple choice questions written by someone who they have never met a day in their life. Dumbasses are known to paste the new-agey mystical bullshit results on their "blog" so other losers like you can see them, and tend to take several of these worthless quizzes in one day. But that doesn't mean you can't be a good consumer or McDonald's cashier. Remember, You're a Dumbass!

HTML CODE - Copy and paste these results into your blog so everyone who doesn't already know that you're a certified fucktard can learn the truth!

Let's start killing these people, shall we? They've simply got to go, if only for the sake of my own sanity. These are the same folks that check their horoscopes every day and really believe them. They're also the ones who have those cheap-ass "dreamcatchers" all over their fucking house, and keep a large chunk of volcanic glass in their living rooms so they can tap into it's "Crystal Energy".

To be honest, these hopeless assholes really just need to be banned from using computers altogether, because their only real use to society is as a 98.6° space heater. If it only makes sense to you that a person you don't know and will never meet can accurately psychoanalyse you, technological advances beyond the Paleolithic will only serve to trip you up. What you need is a hobby. Like bleach tasting.

Why do people take these inane little quizzes in the first place? I honestly don't know. They're pointless, and what's more, nobody cares about the results. At the very least, I can assure you that I don't give two shits about the results. Online quizzes and questionairres are right up there with jigsaw puzzles and paint-by-number sets for shit that could disappear from the face of the Earth tomorrow and it wouldn't change a god damned thing either way.

And that's not all; There's actually an industry based on these mindless quizzes. Bullshit merchants like e-harmony, Trụe, and Tickle design tests to pander to the the three types of hopeless internet schmuck:

Type 1:

The Desperate Schmuck

This specimen of internet schmuck is the person who just can't seem to find a date because everyone they grew up around already knows what kind of loser they are, and members of the opposite sex may have even taken up a collection to get them patriated to a foreign country. Relying on the anonymity of the internet... sorry, giggling fit here... they hope that somewhere in the world there exists a similar loser of the opposite sex, likewise tired of masturbation as their only recourse, that is just glad to have a partner to fuck for a change.

Type 2:

The Criminally Horny Schmuck

The second type of Internet Schmuck is the Criminally Horny Schmuck, and is usually male. Drooling over pictures of voluptuous Photoshopped breasts bursting from their halter tops, the Criminally Horny Schmuck displays signs of dementia in believing that he could ever 'hook up' with such a female over the internet. While Criminally Horny Females have been rumored to exist in isolated geographic niches, none are known to be in captivity, although reports of sightings abound. In fact, many researchers in the field consider both the Criminally Horny Female and it's less lavishly plumed relative, the Horny Female, to be hoaxes on the order of Piltdown Man, as there is some contention as to whether either breed of female ever actually walked the earth.

Type 3:


The poster child for birth control, This third and final breed of Internet Schmuck is considered a nuisance by most every organism he comes in contact with. Thankfully, this number is a low one as they are intensely reclusive creatures. The White House Committee on Agriculture initiated a spay/neuter (C.H.O.P.S.), and modem confiscation (NOMO), programs for these types of Internet Schmuck in March of 2003, but both programs failed due to the failure of these specimens to actually ever leave their basements and go outside. The C.H.O.P.S. program ended in June of 2004, with the NOMO program losing funding just nine months later due to government cutbacks. That same year, Congress announced the defunct programs were to be replaced by a completely new initiative which granted free broadband access to all persons previously targeted by NOMO, as leading scientists discovered it was a fantastic way to keep annoying motherfuckers in the house.

If you took this test to learn something about yourself, here it is: if you've not bred, you must sterilize yourself immediately. This is vital to my well being, sanity, and the future security of the nation. I'll send you free plans for a microwave gun so you can start zapping yourself in the crotch right now if you just e-mail me and ask. However, if you have already passed your hideously defective, yet sadly resillient DNA along to a new generation, do the right thing: spay or neuter your unswallowed loads before they can give us yet another generation of mindless dumbasses who do nothing but sit in the dark and stare at a computer screen, and all to answer a battery of the most superficial, piffling, and inane questions imaginable just to find out which Harry Potter character a random, fellow, sweaty, cross-eyed basement dweller with a mullet thinks they are. By the way, stop fucking, because I know you'll be doing this in public next:

That's an example of a Monkeyshine, by the way.

We, the people of Earth, don't want your genes going any farther than they've already come.

Now's as good a time as any to let you know that you are not any of the people you only wish these quizzes could make you. Hell, I'd prefer that they made you a make-believe character too. That way I'd have absolutely no chance of ever meeting you, and being subject to your monumental stupidity. I swear people like you are the reason they make blood pressure medication.

Of course, there's nothing wrong with a little escapist fantasy and all that happy horse shit. But just look at the test you took to get to this page. It was mindless, vapid, and completely inane: just like every other online personality quiz.

Just like you.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

a pre-posted comment... damn Im good.

6:59 AM  

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